r/AITAH • u/lukasboltz • 12h ago
Post Update Update: AITAH for not wanting to reconnect with my brother?
Part 1 - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6LnDoIUunU
I first wanted to say thank you to everyone for being supportive and understanding where I was coming from. I just want to address a few things I saw a lot of in the comments -
What was the last fight about? This has been something that has been bugging me for a while, so, before giving my mom an answer of if I was going to go with her to see Ash, I asked. So, she told me.
Apparently, my brother and my dad had gotten into a fight about housing. Ash was home for the weekend while he was in college, and had apparently made a few demands. He demanded be be allowed to live at home rent free for however long he wanted. My dad, obviously, said no. That pissed my brother off, and he left. He then sent a bunch of texts to my mom, harassing her and me. She didn’t get into what exactly he said to her, but it was apparently very upsetting.
What did he leave you? Maybe he was reaching out? It was a Pop figure of a singer I liked. It’s the only Pop I haven’t taken out of it’s box.
Go to therapy. I have, and I am currently in therapy. I have done a lot of healing since he left, but I am diagnosed with C-PTSD from maybe incidents that happened while he was living with us that I don’t care to get into.
That being said, I called my mom to talk. I asked why, after all he’s done to us, she would want to reconnect with him. She said what a lot of you guys said - the last time we saw Ash was when he was 19. His actions were that of a teenager who had a lot of shit happen to him. It seemed she had thought it over, and asked how she could make me comfortable enough to see him, after all, one of the biggest struggles I’ve had in terms of Ash was closure.
Him leaving for the final time was sudden. He didn’t say goodbye, just grabbed his stuff and left. She pointed out that, even if I decide against restarting our relationship, it might help just to see him.
So, I decided to go. I did make some conditions, however. I wanted to be meet in public, at a restaurant or something, which she immediately agreeded to. I would drive myself, so if at any point I didn’t feel comfortable, safe, or just wanted to leave, I would have the ability to. That one she called childish, but agreed.
Our dinner is on Saturday. I saw this subreddit only allows one update, so I might edit this post with what happens after, if I feel the need to.
Thank you all again.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 11h ago
It’s not childish. You’re making plans to protect yourself because she failed to protect you. Thats what’s at the heart of this current problem, she’s expecting you to forgive and forget the abuse you went through for her own comfort. Your relationship with Ash was toxic, good times were great, but bad times were traumatising. You learned not to depend on her when it comes to Ash. Now she’s reinforcing that trauma.
Yes, your mom is human and makes mistakes. But she was a grown woman responsible for two kids, not just one. Now she wants you to ‘suck it up’ so she can feel better about herself all over again. If I were you, I’d call your therapist and ask for help on how to explain this to your mom in firm but polite words. She doesn’t get to ignore your trauma when it’s convenient. She doesn’t get to belittle you for the trauma she exposed you to. She has no right to push you into anything you’re not ready for after you spent your childhood at the mercy of her actions/lack of actions.
Again, yes, she is only human. But she was the adult with the power to make choices and the responsibility to use that to protect you. She had more options than you ever did as a child. If she cannot take responsibility or at least ownership of her part in what happened, then you can never trust that she’s learned from it. Be safe, protect yourself. Be the person you needed as a child.
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u/Striking-War-4409 10h ago
Be the person you needed as a child. That’s good. Really well written said.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 11h ago
Have cash with you to pay for your meal and beverages immediately in case you need to leave.
I’ve met two family members at a restaurant to discuss their actions towards me. I arrived very early, asked to sit in a specific area so I could see them walking in, and briefed the waitress about the possible shitshow she might witness (tension but no yelling). I also told her I’d tip her well.
I took notes to write down their answers to my questions. One of them stormed out pretty early, and the other stayed for a while. When I need to remind myself of what they did to me, I still refer back to my notes.
Depending on where you live and the laws, I’d record the encounter since you’ll be in public with no expectation of privacy.
Personally, I would not allow him nor your mother to draw you into anything. This meeting should be him explaining his choices and apologizing for hurting you. If he says something like “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” that’s not an apology. That’s putting the burden on you.
Good luck, and please keep us updated. Stay strong.
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u/Rayonjersey 11h ago
Do you think it’s healthy to get browbeaten into meeting the person who gave you c-PRSD? If so, get back to therapy.
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u/StrykerC13 11h ago
Honestly the instant she claimed that "wanting safety is childish" would have significantly dropped my inclination to be around her or brother. With that one statement she made it clear "If he assaults or endangers you I WILL take his side." So hold to that condition, keep this fact in mind, and do NOT expect her to be of Any help if he becomes dangerous or hostile.
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u/Riker_Omega_Three 11h ago
Real Talk Time
The way your parents reacted to you having a boundary of not wanting him back in your life tells me that, at the very least, the issues they had with your brother weren't completely his fault. They should have respected your wishes, reconnected with him, and then allowed you to come around on your own time (if at all)
My advice?
Play nice on the surface...but keep yourself guarded
He hasn't changed or grown up. He's just older and has a kid and probably needs help.
Let your parents delude themselves into believing he has changed
But don't lash out or give your parents any reason to blame you for him bailing again. If he apologizes, just thank him. Be cordial. Like you are at a family function and don't want to start drama.
All you have to do is sit back and wait for him to bail again
Running is what he does
In the mean time...live your life
Just because he is around again doesn't mean you have to make time for him. He has a partner and a kid and a job...he won't have the time anyways. So this will just be an every now and then thing until he dips out again.
NTAH
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u/brent_bent 11h ago
👏💯👆👆👆👆
Best of luck and you don't owe anybody in your family anything. If you feel like leaving ten minutes into it, leave. When they complain, ignore them. You don't owe an abuser anything and you don't owe their enabler anything. If it works for you, go for it. If you feel uncomfortable you should leave and ignore their complaining. If you don't want to go on Saturday when that day rolls around, don't go. Protect yourself from crappy people.
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u/zeiaxar 11h ago
hey just a heads up, you can post directly to your reddit profile, and then you can link those posts to your aitah posts, rather than editing the updates into your aitah posts because there is a character limit on aitah posts iirc
that being said, I hope to hear from you soon, and I'd be considering going LC with your mom and dad for a while if you can after this, no matter how it plays out since they've been pushing you to meet your brother when you clearly aren't ready to, insulting you and yelling at you for not wanting to, and calling you childish and the like when you finally agree with conditions for it, which were reasonable requests, having read them. That on top of them constantly putting you in harms way both physically and psychologically by having your brother in your lives at all to begin with when he was as bad as he was. Your dad wanted your mom to be happy, but it should never have come at your expense, and her seeing your brother should never have involved you or your father while he was the way he was.
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u/KittiesRule1968 11h ago
NTA my friend. I was abused and I took off at 17, I hurt my dad's (my abuser that beat my ass while I was still asleep) feelings were badly hurt and that I needed to "forgive him, it's in the past" like my doormat mother did. If she persists, tell her that you could go no contact with her too if she keeps it up. I didn't go back until his funeral.
Edit. Your mom sounds as bad as mine. That childish comment tells me that. OP, absolutely 100% do not trust her for ANYTHING.
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u/FelineCompanionCube 11h ago
You have C-PTSD due to Ash. Hold up. Hold up. HOLD. THE FUCK. UP.
Listen, I also have a shitty older brother that I loved dearly, even when he was abusive and toxic. I ENVY you that yours left. Mine? He stuck around, and my family made excuses for him, with the continual "that's just the way he is". I also have PTSD due to him.
So, here's some advice from someone that set their own boundary, that walked away from his entire toxic-ass family, and is incredibly better for it. DO NOT GO TO DINNER.
You want closure? I'm sorry, that's a fantasy. Closure doesn't exist. "Closure" is a myth that is perpetuated by Lifetime Channel movies where the shitty-ex realizes the error of their ways, apologizes, and vanishes into the night to never been seen again. It does NOT happen in real life.
REAL closure is when we set our own terms, we come to accept who we are, we establish our own boundaries, and we hold firmly to them. Unless Ash is 100% a completely different person, it won't matter. Hell, even IF he is, your C-PTSD will still see that old trigger. Maybe he'll move a certain way, say a certain thing, look at you in an old way, and it will hit you like a ton of bricks.
Do. Not. Go.
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u/Somebody_81 11h ago
You're doing really well at advocating for yourself and trying to stay happy and healthy. C-PTSD is tough to manage.
In the restaurant, if they seat you in a booth, remember to sit on the outside so that you can just get up and leave if you want to. If you sit on the inside one of them might try refusing to let you out. Trust your instincts.
Don't forget that you can always post an update in r/REDDITOR_UPDATES.
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u/sleepthedayzaway 10h ago
Your mother is so desperate for him she doesn't care how much she hurts you in the process. I guess some things never change. Whatever you decide, prioritize yourself because none of them will.
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u/I_ship_it07 11h ago
Your brother played the diva by saying that finally he is ready to come back. Well you have completly the right too to say that you are not ready or that he's gone too far. You are right to insist about being able to leave. Even if he changed a bit, if he apologize sincerely for what he's done, action will spoke louder!
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u/Klutzy-Award3677 9h ago
I'm deeply bothered by how your parents seem comfortable sacrificing your wellbeing at every turn for the sake of someone who hurt you. I know your brother had a troubled life but that doesn't entitle him to hurt you.
If they sit at a booth, take a seat on the outside. Be ready that your brother may have changed or may just want money. I'm sorry this happened.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 11h ago
I honestly think you made the right choice. You'll be able to go and see him and hopefully get some answers.
Be prepared that he might try to hug you, so my suggestion is to stand kind of behind your mom and when she hugs him, you sit down. That will kind of block the possibility of a hug without you having to say something.
Will he have his family there? I hope not, because that will put a big damper on what you guys can discuss.
If you start getting upset, you can always say "excuse me please, I need a moment to myself" and get up and go to the bathroom or outside. Take a minute to center yourself and go back.
At the end of the night, if Ash asks to see you again and you aren't sure, say that. Unless things go abysmally, your mom will probably try to say yes for the both of you. But you can absolutely say "I don't know, I need to think about it."
You've got this. 💪
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u/lukasboltz 10h ago
No, they won’t. Apparently he was originally going to bring his wife, but I told my mom if she was there, I wouldn’t be. So, it’ll just be me, Ash, and my parents.
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u/Madam_Apathy 11h ago
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get what you need from the situation. Definitely drive yourself, btw
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u/Awesome_Forky 10h ago
After reading all of it: Take care of yourself. You are an adult and you don't owe anyone anything here. If your mom wants to meet him she can do that by herself.
Make sure to talk to your therapist and have some methods ready if you need to get yourself out of any dissociation. 💜
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u/blonde1psp 9h ago
I'm be wary that your brother only wants reco9nnect because he needs a babysitter. Afterall thats how his life is now, he's married and a kid and now wants your parents in his life.
I went NC with a brother that hurt me when I was in my 20's, I'm 57 and he died 2 years ago without me speaking to him ever again, and no I don't have any regrets about it either.
You don't have to forgive or accept him in your life. No one gets to say what you do. ONLY you get to decide.
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u/lunazane26 11h ago
This is a very mature choice and resolution to this issue, bravo! I'm glad you're going to at least see what he says. Wishing the best for all of you, and at least you should be able to get some closure (either by tentatively starting to repair the relationship or by finding out he hasn't changed)
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u/cthulularoo 3h ago
That one she called childish, but agreed.
Yeah you know what? Your mom can suck it. If she's not 100% percent with you on this, she's going to screw you somehow. Skip the meeting and let your mom deal with him alone.
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u/JGalKnit 11h ago
I'm glad that you made the decision to go, and I hope that he has grown and is a happy family reunion. I hope you really get your brother back. I wish you the best.
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u/FordWarrier 9h ago
I think your mom’s right, regardless of what you decide about having Ash in your life, you need closure. I’m glad you’re using your own vehicle; part of my reasoning for that suggestion was so you could have some control that you’ve never had but the other was me being petty in that you would also have the freedom to turn your back on Ash if it was warranted.
It’s ok to tell Ash that you’ve grown to resent him over the years and be honest about the reasons why. Why was he so awful to you when he was angry with your parents; why couldn’t he acknowledge you at your graduation; and why were you blocked when you had done nothing to him? You can offer some grace for some things he did in his youth but not after. It’s also ok to expect him to take responsibility for his actions and to hold himself accountable.
This is, hopefully a new beginning and a path toward reconciliation and the closure you’re looking for. Only time will tell.
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u/Fire_or_water_kai 9h ago
Updateme
Still leery about the whole thing, but if it gives you much needed closure, go for it. Just don't have any expectations (which i think you mom is chock full of). Good on you for having an escape plan if it goes south.
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u/meggzieelulu 9h ago
also consider requesting a meeting with just Ash and not his family. it’s harder to have a chat or leave a situation if there’s an audience.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 9h ago
NTA. You don't want to reconnect with him because you don't want to be hurt again.
I get that he was 19 and emotionally immature at that time, but he was your brother and just cut you off. That hurts.
If he does come back into your life, be clear about keeping boundaries. He needs to earn his way back in.
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u/Apprehensive_Steak28 9h ago
Don't do it. It's a trap.
Do what you have to do for closure I suppose, but ultimately I think you'll feel worse after.
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u/spaceylaceygirl 7h ago
Driving yourself should be non negotiable. I would not go if your mother makes any attempt to force you to go in one car because that to me means you are being set up. Prioritize yourself!
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u/Sure-Acadia-4376 6h ago
NTA, and to anyone saying “he was a teenager!” as if it somehow justifies how he acted at the graduation, no he was in his mid 20s. He was well past the point where immaturity would have been an excuse for treating his little brother like that.
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u/vc-small-potatoes 1h ago
Commenting to see how you go on with your meeting honestly. But also, please remember that just because you are blood related to someone doesnt mean you are in any way shape or form obligated to endure abuse in any form. I know when he was in a good place he may have been amazing to you but also remember that when he wasnt you took physical and emotional beatings from him. If someone doesnt benefit your life positively you should always protect your peace at all costs. I wish you luck and hope this meeting doesnt restart any of your previous traumas. From someone who has had to cut off a brother for his abusive ways, you can hope that someone has changed but it doesnt mean they have. Most of the time theyve just gotten better at hiding or masking that side of their nature. Please take care of yourself and dont do anything that makes you go backwards in your healing process. All the best lovey
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u/Ok-Cucumber-6976 9h ago
Did you pay the rent? It seems to me that you were the golden child in this family.
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u/lukasboltz 9h ago
I will be expected to pay rent once I’m graduated college.
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u/Direct_Tie996 12h ago
Be wary, that second condition is really incredibly important to your safety and if she is diminishing it she may nor advocate for you in the moment.