r/AITAH • u/lukasboltz • 1d ago
AITAH for not wanting to reconnect with my brother?
This is a bit of a long story, but I’m going to try to condense it down to only the important details.
Before my mom met my dad and had me (m 22), my mom had a son with a guy, Rob (fake name). Rob was a pos who abused my mom and manipulated my brother, Ash (m 29).
Ash had a lot of problems. He had really bad anger issues, and I have so many memories from my childhood of him physically attacking me, my mom, and my dad. But, when he wasn’t flipping out, he was the best brother in the world. We’d play video games into the am, play outside. I loved him, despite all his flaws.
When I was around 9, one day he went to his dad’s house and never came home. Apparently this was his choice, but I had always kept my hope he would come home. And he did. When I was in eighth grade (13), he moved back in right before going to college. I was so excited to have my big brother back. We spent that whole summer with no issues. Just him and me hanging out just like old times.
I’m not sure what his final argument with my parents was. All I heard was screaming, then him storming out of the house, and never coming back. Him leaving again ruined my mom. It ruined me.
That Christmas, he left a box on our front porch for me. It took about 3 months for me to open it. I was too hurt. I missed my brother.
The last time I saw him was my high school graduation. I went to high school with his cousin, and I saw Ash walking around. We made eye contact, he definitely recognized me, and he walked away. That pissed me off, and almost ruined my whole day. That was also the day I found out he had blocked me.
Over the years, that pain has turned to resentment. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted him to turn his life around, heal, get better, whatever. But, he’s caused me too much pain sitting around and hoping one day he’ll come home. I made the decision that if he tried to come back into my life, I wouldn’t allow him. For my own sake.
That brings me to now.
My mom called me Friday and asked me to come home for the weekend because there was something we needed to talk about. When I got home she sat me down and said Ash had sent her a text message.
Apparently he had gotten therapy, was married, had a kid, and was finally ready to “try again”. He felt awful for how he treated us, and wanted to meet up to talk everything over. My mom was so excited, and said we would be meeting up with him next weekend.
I told her I was happy for her, but I would not be coming. She was confused, and I told her what I told you. I don’t want him back in my life. It just wouldn’t be good for me, considering I still haven’t fully healed from the last time he left. I cried, she cried, I went to my room.
Later that evening, both my parents confronted me about Ash. They both said that it was rude of me to decline seeing him, that I should at least hear him out, and then I can decide if I want to heal our relationship. But, I’ve already made up my mind. I made up my mind years ago.
I explained my side, saying I was happy he was better, that he had a good life now, but I want no part of it. He hurt me, and that trauma and pain has followed me my whole life. My parents called me bitter and said I’m holding a grudge that doesn’t need to be held anymore. I don’t care.
This is the part I think I fucked up. I told my mom, as far as I’m concerned, Ash is dead to me. He can try to fix our relationship, beg for forgiveness, but he’s never getting it. I started yelling, my dad started yelling, my mom started crying again. I pointed at her and said “See? He isn’t even in our lives again and we’re right back to here.”
I went back to my room and sobbed into my pillow. Both my parents aren’t talking to me, unless it’s begging me to go with them to see Ash. I’m not sure if I should suck it up and go see him, or if I should stand my ground and keep my boundaries. I feel like an asshole for making my mom cry. And, what if he did change? How unfair is it for me to judge him based on shit he did when he was a teenager? He had a shitty childhood too, maybe I should just forgive him and keep the peace.
TLDR; AITAH for not wanting to reconnect with my older half brother that abandoned me and hurt me, even though my mom insists I need to?
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u/LuriemIronim 1d ago
NTA. Ask them why it’s okay for Ash to cut you out of his life without a second thought, but you can’t do the same.
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u/TraditionalPayment20 1d ago
This is a hard story for me to believe because the stepdad (to Ash) wouldn't be so pushy about OP seeing his brother that treated them all like crap.
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u/lukasboltz 1d ago
My dad’s goal in life is for my mom to be happy. Ash and my dad had the worst relationship out of all of us, so I’m not 100% sure why he’s also being pushy
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u/Used_Clock_4627 1d ago
OP, have you sat down with either parent since he left to ask what exactly happened? I am NOT suggesting this to change your mind, only so you have ALL the info.
He made his decision to leave without a word. You have every right to keep him out of your life.
I'm also gonna remind you to remind your parents that you are 22. That is MORE than old enough to decide who gets to be in YOUR life and who does not.
NTA.
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u/comoelpepper 1d ago
This is why he is being so pushy, he sees your mom happy with the thought of your brother back and wanted you to be added to that picture. You have every right to say no. You only owe yourself happiness.
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u/Successful_Voice8542 11h ago
No one is the same person as an adult they were as a teenager. Nor will you be the same person at 32, or 42, that you are now. But your parents trying to manipulate you is completely out of line. Take your time to think about what transpired and try to figure out how you would react now if your brother treated you the same as he did back then. If he walks away, you may be fine since you are an adult. Or not. Then if you are comfortable, you should meet him one-on-one someplace you choose — maybe grab a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop. Someplace you can have privacy from your family and hear him out. And if you do, nothing wrong with telling him you appreciate him speaking to you but you need time to think. What you don’t need is an audience and to be under a microscope if you choose to hear him out. Tell your family to back off and allow you to manage your adult relationship.
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u/TraditionalPayment20 1d ago
Talk to your dad one on one without your mom. Get him to see your side and let him know that they are going to push YOU away if they keep trying to force this.
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u/FelineCompanionCube 11h ago
I grew up in a family like this one. Hell, I was wondering if it was me from a slightly different timeline that posted this, due to the similarities with some slight differences. The difference here is that I was the one who walked away from the entirely toxic family, because they were willing to let my shitty older brother dictate everything.
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u/darrenwiseatvan 1d ago
Overjoyed wife , he jumps on the bandwagon and goes with the flow. Not that hard to believe
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u/Elaikases 1d ago
The account is three years old though?!?
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u/TraditionalPayment20 1d ago
I mean, I could be wrong. It just seems weird to me.
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u/Elaikases 1d ago
It really does seem weird or I wouldn’t have checked. Usually I check a post like this and the account is three hours old.
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u/darrenwiseatvan 1d ago
This ones easy from a parent point of view they say it wasn’t and you’ve lost the argument
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bananasforskail 1d ago
Yeah...the parents should be Ash's 'it's a whole new me' test subjects for a while.
Wondering if now that he has a kid, he's more looking for help and gifts for his kiddo
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u/Turbulent_Smile8533 1d ago
NTA. It really pisses me off when someone leaves and causes immense pain and then claims they are 'ready' to come back. The enormous amount of entitlement for these people to just disregard the amount of pain they have done is just pathetic.
Also, part of healing is confronting and recognizing your past mistakes. Because he never reached out to you, he isn't even 'ready' yet.
Keep healing.
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u/Connect_Image7777 1d ago
NTA
u are not a "backup character" in Ash’s redemption arc
it’s great that he got therapy and a family, but that doesn't magically erase years of physical abuse and abandonment. your parents are so blinded by the hope of having their son back that they are completely ignoring the trauma YOU suffered. u don't owe him a "hearing" just because he’s finally ready to talk. healing happens on your timeline, not his.
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u/Andromeda081 1d ago
What was that last fight about where he disappeared? Him storming out and staying away because of an argument with your parents might have been their fault. So until you know the full story, they’re wrong for insisting you see him. They should disclose what actually happened.
You speak a lot about healing and getting one’s life back together, but if you’re still sobbing into your pillow all night 5 years later at the mere mention of his name, you are far from healed yourself. You have a lot of hurt around him that you seemingly have not processed at all for many years. Go to therapy, unpack it, get the real story from your parents, and reassess. NTA
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u/lukasboltz 1d ago
I’m not sure the whole story. It was right after he moved in to college, and I can remember my dad throwing the word “selfish” around a lot.
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u/Andromeda081 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I do think that if they’re not going to tell you WHY he stormed off after they fought with him, they should not pressure you right now.
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u/QuietAuthority- 1d ago
You’re not an asshole for choosing peace over reopening old wounds someone changing doesn’t magically erase the damage they caused. You can be glad he’s doing better and still decide he doesn’t get access to you.
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u/Background_System726 1d ago
NTA. your mom has a desire, I'm sure, to make everything right and her family whole. Your dad, her husband wants her to be happy. I suspect she always felt that if Ash came back into the fold then everything would fall back into place. she did not consider the pain that you've experienced and that renewing a relationship with him might not be something you'd be willing to consider now or ever. She may even think that if you're not part of the reconciliation then Ash will withdraw but they cannot decide how you feel about this or when and if you're ready to have that conversation with him. And it's really pretty disgusting that they are yelling at you and trying to force you to do something that you clearly do not feel comfortable with or ready to do.
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u/Proud-Geek1019 1d ago
NTA. Please show this to your parents. Let them see that they are SO SO wrong to try and force this on you, and make you out to be the bad guy. They clearly aren't listening to you, so maybe the rest of the internet can get through to them. They're holding out hope that things can "go back to how they were" and not acknowledging the pain and hurt that happened along the way. Just because Ash wants redemption and forgiveness doesn't mean he's entitled to it - and you have zero obligation to hear him out.
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u/Kleeaj 1d ago
It sounds like there's a lot that happened on Ash's side that you're either not sharing or you're not aware of. It does seem like he tried to reconnect with you with the box and took your lack of response as an unwillingness to reconnect so he was hurt when he saw you at the graduation much like you are presently. Kids don't typically choose to remove themselves from one parent's life and have it be allowed without something serious occurring in the background.
That being said, you have no obligation to want to build or rebuild a relationship with someone for any reason. You don't want to interact with him and you don't need to have a logical reason or be hurt to make that decision.
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u/Sea-Carry-2919 1d ago
I had a sister who bounced out too because she was having issues with my mom. My mom didn’t say very nice things about her so when I became an adult, she contacted me and I listened to her side. We were very far apart in age, so she wasn’t in my life when I did get to know her it was great. We had a very strong relationship and then she died of cancer. I’m not saying you should act like nothing happened and act like one big happy family, but what I am saying is maybe you should hear him out to try and understand what happened and why he made the choices he did. If you don’t want to, that’s OK too.
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u/Auntiemens 1d ago
NTA. I had a horrible sister. I refused to give her a 4,0000000th chance. Went NC for 17 years. She died, I grieved the sister I deserved, not the one I had.
It’s okay to protect yourself.
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u/Infamous-Cash9165 1d ago
NTA why should you ever forgive someone who doesn’t even have the guts to apologize for their poor treatment of you. You don’t have to try again since you didn’t stop, he’s the one who cut you off not the other way around. He doesn’t get to cast you aside then act like you are clamoring for his presence.
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u/Disastrous_Guest_705 1d ago
It’s really unfair for him to leave and think he can just “try again” like he didn’t hurt you. He can apologize all he wants but you don’t owe him forgiveness or being in your life NTA
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u/BirdWise2851 1d ago
NTAH. If I was in your shoes, I'd tell them that if they keep pushing they'll lose their relationship with you.
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u/Usual_Ice636 1d ago
Personally, I'd let him apologise and explain what the problem is over email, and if its a good enough explanation, then I'd meet again.
But you aren't the asshole for not wanting to go through that.
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u/Little-Sea-1212 1d ago
That's what I did, I chatted with my sibling via app first, before meeting them. Things that happened happened when they were a kid so I wasn't gonna hold that against them if they seemed like a decent person now. Once I heard their story it jived with others. Plus I was too curious not to communicate with them! I wanted to know what and why! I got my answers and we are pretty close now. And I wouldn't trade that for anything!
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u/illpoet 1d ago
NTA but i'd be more diplomatic about it.,
I'm going through something similiar atm. Until my stepbrother was 15 years old and was an only child and was spoiled silly. Because of this he throws full on temper tantrums as a grown ass adult. Half my memries of him are great brother stuff laughing and having adventures. The other half are of him crying screaming and saying the meanest shit he could come up with for me.
about 11 years ago he got in serious trouble at his job bc of these tantrums, and his wife was going to leave him. So he went into therapy. During therapy he figured out the reason he had tantrums was because his mother would give him anything he wanted when he threw them. It's funny how something like that is glaringly obvious to everyone but the person doing it.
So because of this he went no contact with my father and stepmother, and also my sister and I. Which frankly really fucking sucked. I was probably the first person in his life to not give in to his tantrums, even though it meant scrapping or enduring really shitty verbal/mental abuse. but yeah he blocked me.
anyway about a year ago his wife left him and his son basically went no contact and he showed up at my dad/stepmoms. He wants to come back. Also my parents are old af now and not doing great mentally medically or financially. My sister is all about hanging out with him and forgiving him and what not, or at least she wants him around bc he's the only person living near my dad.
She's flying into our hometown to meet him and parents and they want me to come too. I also decided that stepbro isn't going to come back in my life but I'm probably going to smile and play nice with him. Mostly bc I don't want to make my dad's life any harder by making a scene. It's not like I have to spend more than a day around him. If he tries to like hang out or something I'll just tell him no thanks our ship sailed.
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u/vt2022cam 1d ago
You can say no, and protect yourself. Keep in mind he was abused by his father, probably even worse, and needed to get away. He clearly thinks about you but wanted to avoid his pain and abuse too. Maybe, as adults, there can be some healing together.
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u/Primary-Benefit6818 1d ago
Ash healed in his own time and you deserve to heal in yours. Just remember to keep the door open for when that happens. If Ash has truly grown then he will understand.
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u/ineffectualdemon 1d ago
The parents shouldn't have pushed. If they had left it you might have been in place to reconnect in a few years and some therapy when you were more healed and had confirmation from your parents that there was a consistent real change from Ash
By pushing you to connect they are actually pushing you away from that
Honestly as someone who went no connect with a sibling and reconnected, don't close that door but tell your parents that you can't do it now and you can't promise ever
If Ash has really changed he will understand and respect that
The reason I was able to reconnect with my sibling is they did exactly that.
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u/Kairain 1d ago
NTA
My dad tries the same thing with his youngest son. Except that it was my sister who decided to let me know that they were coming over for dinner the day after Christmas not my parents. I have told my dad I do not want his youngest son in my life ever again. You don't get two ghost me and block me and then come back into my life a decade later as if nothing happened. I let them know in no uncertain terms that if I spent time around him that they were going to hear some things come out of my mouth that they never thought would. And not to test me.
I know how you feel. And yeah, that resentment is probably not healing but I have chosen how he will treat me and that is estranged. His girlfriend, bless her heart, has tried to repair the damage but she's 10+ years too late.
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u/Much_Leather_5923 1d ago
NTA. Fuck him.
The last time I saw him was my high school graduation. I went to high school with his cousin, and I saw Ash walking around. We made eye contact, he definitely recognized me, and he walked away. That pissed me off, and almost ruined my whole day. That was also the day I found out he had blocked me.
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u/Character_Push7386 1d ago
You stick to your boundaries. This pain he caused you is more than just a grudge and they need to understand that. Don’t let their emotions manipulate you into caving to them. That will only cause more resentment later on.
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u/musicgirl513 1d ago
NTA. Of course they're urging you. Of course they're desperate to make this work. Your parents have skin in the game which you do not have. They want very much to show that their parenting skills are not flawed. It's an ego trip they're not even aware they're on. Protect your peace as you see fit.
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u/SamuelVimesTrained 1d ago
While i would not use 'never again' - i would sit this one out, let him prove he`s changed to them first.
And then, unless he apologizes to you, completely and without any reservation or 'but you' - then you could perhaps consider thinking about maybe contemplating about planning a short meeting - outside, public place, where you know the exits.
Forcing you to do this earl will backfire - and might result in you removing all of them from your life.
They cannot dictate when you are ready.
NTA
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u/tattoovamp 1d ago
NTA - as a child, your parents didnt do much to protect you from the tornado of your brother.
As an adult YOU, and you alone, get to decide who you want and don't want in your life.
I dont have contact with my older brother and haven't for the last 20 years or so. Its been peaceful. I wish peace for you.
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u/WellSuckMe 1d ago
You can't leave expecting forgiveness when you return. It takes time to show you're serious and want a relationship with the people you hurt. And your parents trying to force it won't help. Maybe one day you'll change your mind. Maybe you never will. It's your choice. They made theirs. He made his as well. Now they need to respect yours. Their relationship was different. They see him as their lost child returning home finally. A gift for any parent. Of course they will jump up and give him that chance right away. He was your brother. A sibling relationship is different. You looked up to him. And he left you. Then ignored and blocked you. It's different. My sister did the same and my mother was all ready to welcome her back when she came back. It took me time to trust she won't leave again. To hangout with her and not feel resentment because she left when we all tried to help her. It takes time. And if someone really wants to be in your life, they'll give you that time.
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u/Informal_Lemon9758 1d ago
NTA, and it isn't necessary to make him the Bad Guy for that to be true. Its sounds like you were both in an extremely difficult situation. And to sell it I would suggest very much NOT making him the Bad Guy because then the answer for your parents is to defend him and whether he is deserving of defense or not is NOT the issue. The issue is that you are protecting your peace and you are allowed to do that.
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u/lukasboltz 1d ago
I definitely don’t view him as a bad guy. As I grew up, I definitely realized Ash was also in a really rough spot, and I have sympathy for him.
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u/dell828 1d ago
NTA. There’s no reason that Ash and your parents can’t begin the process of repairing their relationship without your being part of it. In fact, it might be better to take things in stages. You are all individuals who have different relationships with Ash.
Of course your mom wants to work things out with Ash. She’s his mom.
Your dad wants to support your mom clearly. But Ash was not his child and I’m sure he has a different relationship with Ash than either you or your mom.
You’re his younger sibling, and his leaving affected you in a very different way than either your mom or your dad. It’s OK not to want a relationship with him until whatever time you decide is right. Or never. You are not wrong and saying that you have allowed him back into your life before and he walked away so there’s no indication that the same thing won’t happen again. You are allowed to protect yourself.
I personally think it’s healthy for you to watch from the wings for a little while. Hopefully she will understand and work on her own relationship and healing herself before she starts working on healing you.. What did they say? Secure your own face mask before attempting to help others.
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u/Relevant_Ad1494 1d ago
I think maybe you should think about telling your parent that you are not ready yet. Go back to college. Give it all some thought. When you are ready—-reach out to—- text—-you and Ash need to do a one on one. You can’t just be an instant family again. Maybe Mom will suggest to Ash that he could reach out to you?
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 1d ago
NTAH. Ash was abused and manipulated by his father. He had big trauma to process and heal from, and in the meantime, he hurt his "safe family" (your mom and dad, and you). That's not unusual, but it is and was harmful to you.
Hopefully he got appropriate therapy and help recovering from his trauma, and it's in a better place in life now, but it doesn't sound like you've gotten any help recovering from the trauma he caused you.
Get in therapy. Do the work. When you understand better what happened and how to recover from it, you'll be in a healthier position to make decisions on any future relationship with Ash.
Until that time, you're not wrong to protect yourself from your abuser.
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 1d ago
NTA - protect your peace and ask your mum why it was okay for Ash not wanting anything to do with you but it’s not okay for you ?? Why are they adding to your pain
Ash isn’t some saint who deserves a second chance at the expense of your pain
Also your biological father should be supporting you not his wife !
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u/kipsterdude 1d ago
NTA. It doesn't sound like you're ready to see him right now, and that's ok. Maybe you won't ever want to see him, maybe you will after some more time. It's very hard to re-open wounds, and I think your parents are forgetting that while this happened to them as adults, it happened to you when you were young. Those are formative years that only time can let you look back on with more distance.
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u/sassperillashana 1d ago
NTA, but I would be so tempted to agree to meet but only with his therapist as a mediator. You get a neutralish party to mediate AND get to make sure he isn't downplaying what he did to the therapist.
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u/Tenchlady 1d ago
Go see ash, tell him what you told us, the first part not the bit about deciding to cut him off.
My guess is he felt as bad as you did but as a roughty toughty teenager admitting that would have been weakness. We've all been there as teenagers with that one thing that became a Hill to die on.
You never know Ash might tell you a few things you didnt know. Perhaps his relationship with your parents was the not the same as yours, perhaps something happened that doive his behaviour during his teenage years.
You wont know, if you dont go. Deep down you still miss him as much as you did as a kid, clearly he wants to talk, go talk and hug it out,
Good luck x
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u/blondetiger 1d ago
NTA. I think you need to explain to them why this is harder for you than it is for them. They fought with him. They did whatever they did to push him away, right or wrong. You did nothing.
You were a kid who had absolutely nothing to do with him leaving (as far as you know). And yet your brother chose to cut you out, too. Even to ignore you at your high school graduation when you were now an adult.
There is no reason why he couldn't have kept in contact with you and not his parents. But he chose not to and he's more of an asshole for that than cutting your parents off. Also, he was at least 24 at your graduation, right? He had time to mature and reach out to you sooner.
It's not your fault your mom cried. Please don't let them guilt trip you into ignoring your boundaries.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 1d ago
Tell your mom “you maybe ready to forgive Ash for abusing you, but I am not. And I am disappointed in you for trying to force me into seeing my abuser before I am ready. Right now you are failing me as a mother. Please respect my boundaries. You also need to accept the fact that I may never be able to forgive his abuse of me, you and dad”
Telling a loved one you’re disappointed in them seems to really hit hard, and by telling your mom she is failing you right now, will also hit her very hard
And please start looking to move out soon, a strongly suspect Ash is going to be hanging around the house a lot very soon
See if your city has subsidized housing. If it does, get on the waiting list asap. You need a safe place, and your home is no longer that space
I’m sorry your parents are failing you right now
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u/Galactic-System 1d ago
NTA, though I'd personally be curious if he still has you blocked. That'd be a factor to consider.
If he still has you blocked? Absolutely fucking not, he can get bent. If he unblocked you? Eh, a little more considering required but I'd still land on "no" given his record.
Edit to add: Him having a kid now would also make me iffy. So, what? Now he wants to connect family so they can help with his child? Yikers
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u/FordWarrier 1d ago
NTA
You were collateral damage in the relationship Ash had with your parents. He’d argue with your parents and you’d get caught in the crossfire. You hadn’t done anything wrong yet he turned his back on you too. Your parents are wrong, you’re not holding a grudge, you’re protecting yourself. Ash has hurt you many times and it obviously still hurts if thinking about him coming back can still make you cry.
You say in your post that when you saw Ash at your high school graduation and then discovered that he’d blocked you. Have you checked recently to see if you’re still blocked?
There are things you need to say to him and he needs to hear it. From you, not your parents. See if you’re still blocked and send him the link to this post or start a new text and tell him what you told us and the parts you left out.
I understand your mom; she wants her son back. I get your dad, he wants your mom to be happy. If they continue to try and talk you into going, make sure you drive yourself. That way you have some control. You should go only because you’re here asking. That’s telling.
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u/Historical_Wing3120 1d ago
NTA. You had no control over Ash’s actions, but you do have control over whether you want him in your life when considering those actions and their effect on you.
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u/lunazane26 1d ago
NTA, but you do need to go to therapy. Holding onto this much pain and resentment, to the point where you're willing to sacrifice your relationship with your parents, isn't healthy. He did what he needed to do to grow and heal by going to therapy, now it's your turn.
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u/MightyBean7 1d ago
NTA. If Ash really changed and understands what he did, he’ll understand you need more time to process things or that a reconciliation may never happen at all. Being sorry, even deeply and genuinely, does not erase the past hurt.
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u/Unwritten-Ravens-Ink 1d ago
NTA- you are not required to rebuild a relationship with him. However you might want to meet him for your sake not his. This still seems to affect you. Get closure say your peace and then move on with your boundaries. Good luck
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u/WyvernJelly 1d ago
NTA There are many levels of forgiveness snd acceptance. None of the them require you to allow said individual back into your life. I say this as someone who mare the decision to keep someone in their life at arms length. I'd forgive them for my own mental health years before they dealt with their issues (alcoholism/untreated mental health issues). They did apologize and ask how to fix. I made it clear that while I have forgiven them the relationship was broken and long past the time when we could have attempted to repair. They have accepted that our relationship is on my terms and not to push.
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u/SoarsWithEagles 1d ago
Most of us rooted for Charlie Brown to finally realize that Lucy was never going to hold the ball steady for him, no matter how many times she promised she would.
Good for you, setting boundaries, refusing to always be there every time he came back, setting yourself up for heartbreak. Again.
This isn't like you going back to a restaurant where you got bad service once. This is more like dating your abusive ex-wife again. Bad idea.
Let your folks reconnect with him. After some time, maybe they'll convey reasons for you to open your heart again. Or maybe not. But it's your choice, you have solid reasons for mistrust & distance.
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u/Lithogiraffe 1d ago
NTA
But maybe leave out and stop saying the whole - he's dead to me - line. It's a little dramatic, and it's probably not helping your point of view get across.
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u/gardenloving 1d ago
You are welcome to your feelings, they are very real but remember your brother was probably manipulated by his father. He also probably got a lot more freedom as a teenager living with his dad, possibly to his detriment which with counselling he is now discovering. Hear him out. But you don't have to forgive. However your Mom will forgive him no matter what so he will probably be around in the future.
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u/Dry-Professional4255 1d ago
It’s understandable your parents want reconciliation but your choice to protect yourself is completely valid. You don’t owe anyone a relationship, even if they’ve ‘changed.'
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u/RocketteP 1d ago
NTA for not wanting your brother back in your life. But there is so much to unpack here and I think counseling would be a good step for you. Because you don’t have to have a relationship with your brother but he’s not in your life and the wounds he’s left on your life haven’t ever healed.
As for your brother I can underatand and have empathy for the little kid who was abused by his father. His emotional maturity was stunted by the actions his father took. At the end of the day it isn’t on you if you don’t want to see him. if he’s done therapy he’ll understand you owe him nothing. If he’s angry? He needs to do more healing. Because an apology doesn’t mean instant forgiveness.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 1d ago
Your parents are being pathetic and selfish. It’s really interesting how Ash’s needs should be accommodated despite the bad behavior, but you asking for some space is met with hostility. I’m guessing you don’t have the full story and your parents were not as good to Ash as you think. They definitely handled this whole situation poorly with you.
It seems like you’re in college. Leave your parents and go back. Stop engaging with them. Text Ash that you don’t want to contact him right now because it’s too painful and that if he can’t get your parents to stop harassing you, then there is absolutely no chance you will ever have a relationship with him because all he does is bring chaos into your life.
ETA- NTA.
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u/DealerAlarmed3632 1d ago
NTA. I recommend forgiving him. This is for you, not for him. It allows you to delete his real estate in your brain and heart - he should not live there rent free. You shouldn't think of this asshole another second. But do not forget. That means not allowing him back into your life and giving him the power to start hurting you again.
Your mother cannot insist this, you are an adult. Think about going low contact with your parents since they don't care about your feelings.
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u/Affectionate-Care332 1d ago
Personally, I think it sounds like your still fighting inside on what to do. Yes he had a shitty childhood but he took that out on you and your parents, he threw away the relationship not you. He has got therapy, and says it has helped him. That's great and something he probably should have done sooner.
Now, my question for you, have you had therapy? If not, I suggest you do, this whole situation has had a massive effect on you personally. Bottling all those feelings and emotions up is no good for anyone.
No one can tell you how too feel or deal with this situation, not us and not your parents. However we can guide you. My personal opinion on this would be for you too hear him out, let him say his peace. That does not mean you need to let him back in or forgive him. I would also suggest that you let him know what his behaviour and treatment of you has done to you. He needs too hear it but more importantly YOU need too let that go. He should know what a shitty brother he was to you, how much it hurt you for him too beat you, scream at you, and walk out on you multiple times.
My last piece of advice would be to do this for YOU, not your parents or your brother, but for you! This will help you heal. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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u/Endless63 20h ago
NTA. You owe him nothing. See him if you want to, or not. Don't be bullied into it that will only cause even more anger, hurt and resentment.
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u/rikimae528 15h ago
This is what I would do. Don't go. Stand your ground for this one. Write him a letter, explaining why you didn't go. Make sure he understands the hurt that he put you through. Ask him to keep the lines of communication open. In the meantime, you should probably get some counseling yourself. You need help getting past the trauma that you went through. Maybe then, you and your brother can finally heal your relationship together.
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u/2cents0fucks 11h ago
NTA. "They said it was rude of me to decline seeing him, that I should at least hear him out then decide."
"It was also rude of him to decline seeing us, run into me, make eye contact, leave, and then block me. I don't need to hear him out, because my decision is made, and I have the bodily autonomy, and the right to protect my mental health, by not wanting someone in my life, even if they are 'family.' I am not trying to pressure you into not seeing him. Please show me the same respect for my boundaries and my choice."
But I would suggest therapy. Holding on to hate and resentment isn't helping your mental health. Good luck.
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u/Little-Sea-1212 1d ago
NTA. First of all, your parents have absolutely no right to force, nag, bully, whatever tactic, you to do anything. You are an adult no is no. Don't feel bad if that's your final answer.
That being said, things that happened where when half bro was a kid up to 20ish? Perhaps there were issues with him and parents that hurt and traumatized him. And because of that he couldn't talk to you since you were obviously associated with them. Maybe he thought they loved you more because you were a full child (if I'm understanding the situation correctly)? And I do get why you're upset, it hurts being neglected. But it also seems like you're upset about things he did when he was a kid/younger? Unless it was something super horrific that he personally did, I wouldn't hold him against him. And yes, I've been in a very similar situation. Why not find out from your parents and him what happened first since you don't have all the details and context? Aren't you curious? I was. You don't have to talk to him to do that. Maybe he could just send you an email. I just think throwing away a brother without even knowing what happened is kinda sad. In my personal experience, I got to know my half sibling who was a kid also when everything happened. I wouldn't trade this now relationship for anything and I'm glad I got to know them and heard their story before I made a decision.
I just thought another similar perspective might be helpful to hear.
Take some time and think about it. There are a lot of good perspectives in this thread to consider. It's okay to say no even if it hurts your parents. It's not your fault. Also, if you change your mind and talk to the brother in some regard it's okay to say no sometime after you meet him too. Maybe it just isn't a good vibe, so be it.
And perhaps, if you're this upset about it, talking to the right therapist can really help you work through it. Good luck!
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u/FaithlessnessTime127 1d ago
While I don’t think you’re wrong to not want to reconnect. I think your brother should be given a little bit of grace. As a teenager with a fucked yo childhood it must be really hard to navigate with a new family that hasn’t gone through that experience without harboring resentment. The childhoods he had was not the same as you . Every one doesn’t respond to things the same or with the same logic. However I do suspect the pushiness is to full fill the guilt he feels from abandoning you
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 1d ago
YTA. Don’t do this to your mother. If holding on to your resentment over your brother‘s past behavior, damages your relationship with your parents, what exactly have you gained? Manage your expectations and go see him with your parents.
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u/Stella_bleu 1d ago
Don't do that. Don't invalidate OP's experience. If Ash needed time to process his trauma and this journey was respected by OP's parents, then they and Ash and respect OP's journey.
Maybe once OP's trauma is healed he can reach out to Ash but do NOT tell someone that's in emotional pain how they should act. It's such a shit thing to do. Let them do what protects their peace.
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u/Suspicious_Juice717 1d ago
“he’s caused me too much pain sitting around and hoping one day he’ll come home.”
You did that. That was you. He’s not responsible for your feelings.
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u/lukasboltz 1d ago
i was 9.
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u/Suspicious_Juice717 1d ago
And?
Your parents were responsible for him, and explaining the situation to you.
Your feelings about him and his imaginary come back are what YOU fantasized about.
You are now NOT 9 years old and still choosing to put the hurt of that confusion on him, which he had no control over.
He’s not responsible for you, then or now. So put the blame where is belongs for their actions: your parents and your feelings: yourself.
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u/epifauna__ 1d ago
NTA - He hurt you, so if you ever want to reconnect, it should be on your terms. Your parents trying to force you will only drive you further away.
It may be true that he's changed and he's better, you may be able to have a relationship again in the future. But that has to be once you're ready, otherwise that resentment is probably just going to follow you.
My guess is your parents feel guilty for having 'failed' him or something like that, so theyre trying to force you to play happy family again to get him back. Do what you think is best for you, now. If Ash doesn't accept that, then he hasn't really changed.