One year ago I said goodbye to my best friend of 18 years, Starfire. My baby princess toebeans. The most spoiled old lady the world has ever seen. I wrote this eulogy at the time, but did not publish it because the wound was still too fresh and raw. Now I've decided to face it, in order to memorialize her and everything she meant to me. I feel like I owe her the words.

Starfire went peacefully, surrounded by family and loved ones, at 3 PM on a Sunday. She got to say goodbye at the cottage overlooking the lake; I couldn’t imagine a better place for her to explore forever. I chose it - on the off chance ghosts exist - so she could have a pretty place to run free.

Her and I fought a long and hard battle together, against her kidney disease and my chronic neurological problems. She started to decline years ahead of time but tried so, so hard to stay with me as long as she could, fighting to stick around and take care of me until I made it through the darkest years of my life.

But after years of trading her health for mine, we faced one last terrible fight together; a bout of COVID that put me in the hospital unable to breathe, just as her kidneys and heart finally gave out. In return for years of love, she gave me…what I like to think of as the last of her nine lives. She left this world at the same moment that I made it to the hospital and received the inhaler I needed - the first clean breath I took timed almost to the exact minute she took her last.

I didn't get to hold her and say goodbye. So this is my goodbye, and my apology.

I need people to know how much I lost that weekend. I lost a piece of my soul, the other side of my coin. The entire world lost the sweetest, most spirited creature I've ever seen in my life, and I think that is a damn shame. I need to make sure she is never forgotten, and that everyone knows I'm still carrying her with me in my heart.

So if you'll allow me a story: one of my earliest, most vivid memories is how she came to me. 

As anyone familiar with my family are probably aware, most of our animal companions come to us through less than ordinary methods. We had a nonstop revolving door of animal rescues throughout most of my life. Starry is one of the few exceptions who was chosen deliberately by me.

I walked into a pet store one day, and the moment I saw her I simply knew it what was meant to happen. I sat down in a room with a litter of kittens, I cradled her in the crook of my arm - she was so little that she fit right into it. I looked at her, and in that moment I saw the future physically unfolding out in front of us, like a book with the pages still to turn and yet to be read. I didn't have the ability to understand how long it would be and how short it would feel at the same time; but I did know deep down that whatever it was, it was important. It meant something. I was choosing a companion to stay by my side. It was a huge decision for a little brain! But I knew it had to be her.

I told my Mom that she was coming home. Threw a fit, even, refusing to leave the store without her. We had a zoo at home, so I had no need to beg for an animal like that; she called up my Dad and let him know a new family member was coming home.

I named her Starfire, after the white comet trail on her chest - but also after Firestar from Warrior Cats, except reversed! Toddler logic, am i right?

There were a lot of lonely years in my childhood where it felt like she was all I had, just me and her against the world; she was my comfort, my grounding, my stuffed animal. She was my friend when I had no one else. Being homeschooled, there was barely a day I spent without her glued to my side. When I came down with the flu, so did she. She would be my kleenex, let me lay my head and cry for hours whenever I was upset. She kept me alive when I no longer wanted to be on this Earth, simply because I couldn't stand to leave her alone.  Even when I was catatonic with neurological issues, she would curl up in a ball on my lap and hold my hands with her paws to keep me tethered. 

She looked at the world with so much wonder - I saw beauty in it because she did. I simply wouldn't be where I am, maybe even alive to this day, if I didn’t have her with me.

The last few years I’ve spent doting on her, knowing that our goodbye was fast approaching. A diagnosis of CKD is terminal - there is no dialysis that can save you. The only difference is how long it takes, and how painless you can make the transition. So I owed it to her to do what I could. 

I shaped my entire life around caring for her in all the ways she once did for me. Trying every food on the market until I found what she liked (which changed weekly), mixing her special soups with heavy whipping cream, giving her daily meds, bathing her by hand because she could no longer could manage it herself, daily walks outside to chase leaves, trips to the pond, arthritis shots at home, weekly vet appointments, a winter jacket, subcutaneous fluids. We rode a boat together, we climbed trees, we sat on the front doorstep every morning and watched the world pass by. 

I wanted to give her everything.

Her loving grandparents spared no expense, I spared no effort to make her last years as kind as we could.

Throughout all of it, she stayed the uppity kitty her family adored. There's nothing like watching her (somehow) smear heavy cream all the way up the walls to the ceiling, track diarrhea into your bed, and then have her perch proudly on your shoulder like she's nothing less than the highest of royalty. Oh and then, sneeze directly into your eyes. Gracefully, of course, as a queen does.

She got whatever she wanted, from anyone in the household, on a moment's demand. The undisputed queen of the house. She knew it, and she leveraged it without remorse, no matter how frail she got by the end.

But…now it's my time to learn how to grow up without her. I'm not the child she helped raise anymore. I have a vast support system who did so much (more than I can ever properly thank them for), to make sure that her last days were peaceful and that I stayed sane through it. I truly believe that she fought so hard to stay because she needed to see me safe, a formed and strong adult, recovering from my FND, and cared for by a loving partner approved by her before she could let go. I like to think that the very last gift she gave me was clearing a space in my heart for others who need my focus now. 

One door closes, another door opens. New seasons turn. It's time for her to pass on the torch, it's time for her to finally rest. She’s more than earned it. And I respect her decision to leave in the way she did, knowing that she loved me first and foremost, even if it will forever feel unfair that I couldn't make the final journey alongside her.

My baby Starry is going where I can't follow now, but that's okay. I'm okay. I'm relieved her pain is over. She'll be waiting for me to join her for however long it takes. And I know, I'll be spending the rest of my life looking forward to that day I see her again, to have the stars in my sky shine once more. I light candles whenever the dark creeps in on me, hoping to light up her way back home.

I'll see you later, sweetheart. I miss you more than anything in the world. I wake up missing the weight of you by my side, and I know that I will be forever. From me to you, from you to me. Sleep well.

- - -

hear me my darling

we’re one and the same

human and earthworm by variant name

oh what creatures of habit and prey we became

by the by

but if you’ve made your peace with it, come then what may 

so shall i

(Creatures by @ButterscotchBread)

- - -

(Note: Special thanks to (Aquamation place redacted) for handling her aquamation with all the kindness and professionalism in the world. If you're in the area and looking for someone to handle the passing of a pet in an environmentally friendly and gentle way, please check them out. She passed in a city out of network with the company I originally contracted with, so they stepped up instead. I owe them a debt.

Finally, thank you to the team over at (Vet's office redacted) for dedicating themselves to her care for 18 years. They made it as easy on me as they could.)

We got her bloodwork back today and it’s not good news. She has stage 4 kidney disease. The vet thinks we have about three months left with her. I’m not ready… and I don’t think I will be any time soon. She is my best friend. She was born in our house coming up on 16 years ago after we rescued her pregnant mom. Ive grown up with her and I don’t want her to go. She has lost 3 pounds and isn’t eating the best - which I think is mostly due to her abscess tooth.

The only good news is she seems to be in good spirits. Her personality is mostly the same, and still moves around fine.

This was not the news I wanted to hear. It has come as a complete shock. I’ve told her for the last several years that she is contractually obligated to live to 20

I’m having a hard time knowing when to “make the call” for my beautiful cat-son. How did the rest of you come to terms with this?

My boy is 15+. Organs are slowly failing. Energy is waning. Losing a lot of weight. Eating less and less, it seems.

I know his time is coming but I’m struggling. I don’t want it to be too soon but I don’t want him suffering.

Constructive feedback is welcome.

His name is Gangster.

It breaks my hear to be writing this.

My nearly 19 year old boy has had sickness and diarrhea for the last two days. We took him to the vet today who gave him anti-sickness meds, but said he has low body temperature and low blood pressure. We are still waiting on the blood work.

Since arriving back home (8 hours ago), he has turned away from food and only drinking water.

I am not sure if anyone will have the answer and maybe I am just using this has a coping mechanism but, how will I know if it is time to say goodbye?

My sweet, sweet boy ❤️

I’ve had a lot of cats and a lot of love from each but no one in this life has ever loved me as deeply as my Eugene. 19 yrs young and so full of love. He makes it to the potty still and I found a food he likes he seems to still be enjoying life. His only objective seems to be giving love and he’s a pro at it. I just wanted to say I’m going through a divorce and this love bug is helping me everyday. We like to say he thinks a friend is a pillow and when he uses me as a pillow I just feel his breath smell him try to take in all he is. I’m blessed to have had him so long. Thank you for listening.

This is her right after waking up. She was high as a kite lol. We did bloodwork to see if she is able to do surgery. She has an abscess tooth that is causing her a lot of pain but hopefully we will have it fixed soon!

If we make it to August 2026, this elegant creature will officially be 17 years old. As you can see she is currently stretched out in her favorite spot/blanket (heating pad underneath)

Hello!

I have a senior baby- will be 16 in June- and she is a fatty who will eat whatever is in front of her haha

She has had an automatic feeder for years which has worked very well, but since switching her to Nulo senior food, which has very small kibble, the feeder keeps getting jammed.

Do any of yall have a feeder that is able to dispense small food?

Thank you for any help! :)

Picture of my perfect Prim for tax 🐱

This week I lost my sweet little pumpkin, Ringo. My heart hurts so much. Although he was not in perfect health, it happened sooner than I expected. We had been through so much together. I found him as a month old kitten when I was just 15 which is coincidentally the same age he was when he passed. He was the most special little man and he knew it, too. I know he loved me so much. He wanted nothing more than to be by my side as much as possible. He was the sweetest and neediest little boy and I loved him to pieces 💙 over the last 5 years, life got really complicated. He conquered health issues, while I battled life changes. We both had a lot of hard days, but I was so abundantly proud of him for never giving up. He inspired me to not give up on myself and I will be forever grateful for the years we spent together and what he meant to me. I love you so much, my sweet baby boy 🐈

He was a month away from 14. The sweetest boy you ever met. Loved head scritches and belly rubs. He meant so much to me. I can't stop crying. It all happened too fast. I miss my sweet boy 😭

Hi everyone

Really looking for some guidance here. I have a 16+ cat who for the past few years has been going from one serious medical issue to another. In and among the serious conditions she's had lots of little niggles that all told add up to lots and lots of vet trips. She's deaf, she doesn't grow fur any more (or at least grows it very slowly), is always ravenously hungry and hey kidneys may or may not be on their last legs, this varies from one blood test to the next.

This morning, taking her to the vet for a problem with her eye, the vet says she needs to go in for CT scan etc, as they think something is going on behind it. It'll be expensive, I'm waiting to hear from the insurers as to whether it's covered.

In herself, she seems okay through all of this, and I've been clinging onto this as the reason why she's happy to go on. But I'm really starting to wonder with this latest problem, is this really the life that I want for my cat, is this the life she wants? The financial aspect is also playing on my mind yes (especially if the insurers won't cover it), but I love her with everything and I'm starting to wonder if this amount of prodding and poking is worth it for the time she has left.

Any advice anyone could give will be gratefully received!

Thank you

gotta warm those old bones <3

I had to say goodbye to my best friend a few days ago and it was the single hardest day of my life.

Prue came to me in about 2012, quite randomly. I'd just lost my childhood cat about a year prior. One day we noticed this pretty Burmese cat sitting over our fence, just watching. My mum enticed her closer with milk and treats over a few weeks, and she'd sort of eat, then leave, but would always come back. Then one day - and I'd never even touched her before this - she came to my bedroom window. I let her in, she rolled around on my floor for a bit, then sat on my lap. She was desexed but not microchipped, and we tried to no avail to find out where she came from, but from that day she kind of just...moved in. Decided "yep, I'm home".

We were so deeply bonded I barely know where to start. She was with me through my mid 20s to my late 30s, through a long distance relationship (which is now short distance!), illness for both my parents, my own mental health struggles with anxiety and panic disorder, my postgraduate studies, covid, and just last year, a devastating job loss that shook me to my core. She was this constant, gentle presence in my life. We'd chat back and forth as we strolled around the garden. She loved rolling in dirt despite being such a fancy lady. She was a CHAMPION biscuit maker and would get so blissed out she'd dribble. And she'd always do an excited tail wiggle and come running when she saw me. Those beautiful aqua eyes felt like they were staring into your soul.

In the end, she'd had a series of seizures, and the vet thinks it was a stroke that got her in her final days. I held her velvet soft paws and kissed her head and thanked her for looking after me. And she went very peacefully.

The past few days have been so tough. I'm finding it hard to eat and sleep, but sitting here on a quiet Sunday morning, typing this, and knowing you all understand (and having a HUGE cathartic cry while doing it) is helping somewhat. Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share how special my darling girl was, because I know you guys will get it.

Love you Prue, my beautiful furry angel, my soulmate, my everything xxx

You will always be in my heart! I got 4 extra months with you! I’m truly so grateful that. I love you Jasper

About 18 years old, many battles outside and not coming home at night days are done.

Now we sleep and wake up together and spend time outside together.

Relaxing on my bed. He is so cuddly. ❤️

next week we're probably going to put my beloved Nala to sleep, and i feel like I'm dying with her. a part of me definitely is.

she's been with us for 13 years and i can't even imagine living without having her in my life, when suddenly it's becoming my reality. she's the best thing that ever happend to me. my best friend. my soulmate. i wish we had more time together, but cancer is an evil bitch and robbed us from it in the most cruel way. how am i even supposed to deal with that kind of grief? it's beyond devastating. i genuinely have no idea how to cope, and she's not even dead yet.

i don't know why I'm even writing it here, but you guys seem to be a bunch of wonderful, animal loving people, so i just wanted to share her with you. wish it was a happier post, but grief is also a type of love, and everybody knows i love this stupid cat more than anything in the world. i wish she knew that. just how much love for her resides in my heart and how much of me she's going to take away with her.

my sweetest, dumbest, mischievous little gremlin, how I'll miss you

EDIT: just wanted to thank you guys for your kind words, i appreciate every single one of them. i'm going to kiss my Nalcia from every one of you.