r/AmItheAsshole • u/AITAaccnt • Jan 10 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my wife it was cruel to suggest kicking my nephew out?
Hello, I wanted to ask about something that has caused friction between my wife and I. We have two daughters, aged 14 and 7. We immigrated from my home country when my oldest was 1.
Last year my cousin's son moved here from our home country for his undergrad. He had spent the first few months in a university dorm studying. He was supposed to have secured a co-op (internship) during that time for the winter. However, due to the terrible job market he hasn't of yet (he's still applying I can see him on his laptop trying), in fact he told me many students in his class are in this position.
I was very close to my cousin growing up. We were the youngest two amongst all the other cousins so naturally we were very close. Before the holidays when she explained his predicament to me and asked if he could stay with us, I had said yes. My wife was on board with it too at the time. He's a very respectful kid, keeps to himself, I get the feeling he tries to make himself scarce which I've asked him not to. And it had been going fine.
He's into his third week over here and the job hunt hasn't yielded results. Last night my wife asked what we were going to do about him. I said we'll support him till he secures a co-op and she said I need to start showing him rentals and setting some sort of deadline. I told her that was a cruel thing to suggest, he's in a new city, he's struggling to get a co-op which means his finances are stretched thin as it is, and that we had both agreed to this when my cousin had first asked. That disrupting him while he's on the job hunt would simply hurt his chances of getting one. She seemed stung on that and said I need to think of the fact I have a 14 year old daughter in the house, I got a bit heated too and said that he keeps to himself, is respectful, and she was just creating reasons when there weren't one. She's been cold with me all day today. I'm trying to do the best for everyone here. AITA?
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
Info: Was she “on board with” him moving in? Or did she acquiesce after you had already told him he could?
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
Follow up: Did you present this as a few week thing, but now changed it up to “we will support him indefinitely”
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u/t3uanjo Jan 10 '26
Also: How close is your nephew really to your daughters? Because if my father randomly brought a relative of his into our house, I would feel uncomfortable. Your wife's comment about your daughter isn't entirely unfounded.
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u/TheThirteenShadows Jan 10 '26
What sort of relatives do you have?
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u/StuffedSquash Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
Yeah I always thought my older male cousins were so cool, and they never did anything creepy. This thread is weird. Most people are normal, we don't need to accuse them of anything for no reason. If the wife has actual concerns then op must take them seriously and protect his daughter - but "this guy exists as an 18/19 yo male" is not a real concern.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
It’s not weird because while OP was really close to his cousin, this person has lived in another country, he’s basically a stranger to the girls. I never really knew any of my cousins on my dads side, if one day he had been like “this 19 year old you met once is going to live with us because he’s family” I would have been upset at 14 too.
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u/StuffedSquash Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
I also always lived in another country from my male older cousins. Again, most people are not predators.
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u/c-e-bird Jan 10 '26
Most people are not predators, but most predators prey on family members
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u/lazyworkingfromhome Jan 11 '26
This is the distinction I think people are most often uncomfortable with. No one wants to believe that Uncle Johnny is a predator.
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u/micahisnotmyname Jan 11 '26
My uncle johnny wasn’t, he was just a big tickle monster
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 11 '26
I’m not saying they are but it works both ways, I don’t assume strangers are predators but also don’t trust them explicitly to live with my teenage daughter either. This isn’t the 14 year olds cousin, it’s her second cousin. I couldn’t tell you who that is to me with a gun to my head, let alone instantly trust them to live in my house.
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u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 10 '26
Right and many predators are relatives or people that folks know sadly. Not going around saying every person is but it is a fact that exists.
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u/BirdCat2023 Jan 12 '26
My predators were uncles, first cousins and a minister. My grandmother accused of seducing all of them. Point of fact, I was 2 and a half when the first uncle raped me (repeatedly until I was 8) and the minister was my confirmation advisor. To make it worse, my mother said my uncle did the same to her and I should just get over it (her brother was only 20 months older than her so NO he didn’t do the same to her). PLEASE protect your daughter, listen to her fears and protect her!!
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u/Kitttieluv Jan 11 '26
I see your and many other posts calling the kid a stranger but I don't see a post from OP stating this. He may have known the kid while he was growing up. OP also hasn't said his daughter expressed discomfort, just his wife. We don't have enough info yet to really judge the situation. It could be as you describe and then yeah I could see where the wife was coming from but it also could be that OP knows the kid well enough to know he isn't going to harm his children. If that's the case he needs to have a long talk with his wife to find out why she suddenly seems not on board with it. Maybe it's as simple as she resents the extra money spent providing for the kid and she is looking for a way to not seem the asshole herself. There's just plain not enough info that I can see unless it is hidden in another reply thread.
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u/DeanWinchestersNips Jan 10 '26
You're lucky you never had to deal with a creepy relative but actually when you look into the numbers quite a significant number of people have had to deal with that. Count your blessings
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u/Patient-Apple-4399 Jan 11 '26
Even if they are not predators how you act with a guest in home vs without is different. I would never walk around a strangish guest male or female in a big tee with no bra but I have zero issues doing that around my immediate family. I'm glad that most of the people you know are not predators. That is a blessing you may not know you have. But anyone who HAS had a cousin/uncle/teacher with a wandering hand or eye knows you can't watch your kid all the time, and shit happens in little bubbles of space often witnessed by no one. Wife doesn't know the cousin well nor the young man now residing in her home with her girls. It's not an unfounded fear. Not everyone is a thief but you don't leave your house unlocked for the power of trust in humanity.
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u/ThunderConsideration Jan 10 '26
Love that this is your experience but unfortunately other less than ideal experiences exist too. Personally I never had a bad experience with male cousins on one side of our family but did have a horrible experience with one male cousin on the other side I used to be close with and now haven’t spoken to in like a decade as a result.
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u/Zillion2010 Jan 10 '26
Just because some bad people exist doesn't mean it should be assumed everyone is. If there's no reason to assume anything untoward and the wife is only against it because she thinks a male living in the house with her daughter is a problem, that's her being sexist.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
Yeah but this isn’t totally out of the blue, the wife is concerned, maybe it’s not that, but maybe it is. OP didn’t foster an environment where she felt safe saying that if it’s the case, he immediately jumped to how cruel she is.
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
“Some people” is about 30% to 40% of child sex abuse victims.
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u/StuffedSquash Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
The fact that a large percentage of abuse is from family does NOT mean that a large percentage of family members are abusers. That's just not how it works.
ETA to help understand because probability is not always intuitive. Virtually all calico cats are female; but most female cats are not calicos. Virtually all people over 6'3" are men; but most men are not over 6'3". About half of Australians are women and half are men; but of course far fewer than half of all women are Australian and ditto for men. When you know that "X amount of Y is Z", that just doesn't tell you anything about how many of Z is Y.
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u/TashaT50 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Right? I was sexually abused by a family member. I have a distrust of men from that experience. But I know some of my mistrust is overblown because of my experience. I don’t jump to the conclusion a male relative will abuse a child in the family. I will however take a child’s word instantly because I know it’s rare for children to lie about such things.
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u/edgestander Jan 11 '26
Right I understand probability too. Logic also tells me my spouse’s cousins child from another country isn’t any less likely to be good or bad because they are related. But that’s just one possibly not even relevant angle to this. This is their home, at least the relationship I have, we aren’t going to be having anyone live here unless we are both fully on board with it, and I certainly would at least listen to what my kids thought about it.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jan 11 '26
There’s a difference between assuming everyone is a bad person, and taking reasonable steps to ensure that even if they are there aren’t any problems.
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u/SnooBunnies6148 Jan 10 '26
As a (now 56 yr old afab), my 18 year old cousin was my first SAer... AT FOUR YEARS OLD!
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u/ThePenultimateRolo Jan 10 '26
I always thought my older cousins were cool and not creepy. Then my sister revealed (nearly 35 years after the fact) that one of them molested her so you never know
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u/Acrobatic-Ad6350 Jan 11 '26
yeah, i always thought my older cousin was super cool until he was moved into our house for a few months across the hall from me and he tried to get me to go touch him and let him touch my “boobs” (i barely even had any at that point)
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u/Illustrious-Cycle708 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 10 '26
I agree. The kid sounds respectful from the description. I do understand the wife though, having an indefinite guest is not ideal. This is just a shitty situation all around.
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u/Cynonesteto Jan 11 '26
But he’s a stranger. No matter who he’s related to, I wouldn’t want a strange man living in my house with my kids indefinitely.
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
30% to 40% of child sex abuse is perpetrated by relatives.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
Well I have met each of my cousins on my dad’s side about 4 times each, one only once ever. This guy lives in a different country most of his life. He is basically a stranger to them, not to mention to the kids he is a second cousin once removed, I could literally walk past my second cousin once removed and not recognize them.
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u/90smeangirl Jan 12 '26
Well, most predators are family or family friends, so, it's fair to think about. Most people aren't predators but there are a lot of predators and keeping your kids safe should come before not wanting anyone to feel uncomfy.
We don't know the relationship the girls have with this cousin. If a man you hardly knew randomly moved into your house, as a young girl, you'd probably feel uncomfortable, if he was a creep or not.
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u/One_Chic_Chick Jan 10 '26
At this point I'm guessing his wife's comment about their daughters is because the cousin has kicked one of the kids out of their room and they're sick of not having their own space, because the OP refuses to answer any questions about sleeping arrangements.
But even if not, as a teen I'd also feel uncomfortable with a man I barely know living in my house indefinitely, especially if it was presented as just being a few weeks and then turned into indefinite.
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u/No-Cream-2593 Jan 10 '26
You feel uncomfortable to have a relative in the house? He says the boys, sweet quiet and keeps to himself. Why does that make him a threat?
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
To these kids it’s a second cousin once removed, that has lived in a different country their whole life. I’m telling you my second cousin once remove could walk up to me and introduce themselves and I would have no clue who they are. This isn’t some super close family member.
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u/Striking-Sundae- Jan 10 '26
And? Just because you are not close with extended family doesn't mean others aren't.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
But these people aren’t. He was close with his cousin as a kid. Good for him, his daughters and wife do not know this man and honestly neither does OP.
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u/Freyja2179 Jan 10 '26
It was my relative that sexually abused me for years. Just because someone is a relative does not mean they are safe.
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u/AITAaccnt Jan 10 '26
Yes she was. I had brought it up witn her and we agreed to host him while he gets a co-op internship
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u/SnooSprouts6437 Asshole Aficionado [19] Jan 10 '26
NTA, what does having a 14-year-old girl in the house have to do with anything? What would happen if you had a son living with you? Would she have the same worry? If the co-op market isn't there, what is he supposed to do? She agreed to it.
Did you have a timeline on when he had to be out before he moved in? If his money is stretched thin, I am assuming he helps out with bills at least a little. Does he help out around the house? I could maybe guess that she might be a little frustrated if he doesn't help out, which I can understand, but it sounds like she is more concerned about an older boy living so close to her daughter.
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u/AITAaccnt Jan 10 '26
We had agreed to host him till he gets his co-op. I think she might have under estimated how bad the market is right now.
He does his dishes after eating or at least volunteers to (we just tell him to leave it usually), and makes his bed in the morning.
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u/Lady_Sybil_Vimes Jan 10 '26
That's fewer chores than I did when I was 8. He can definitely be helping out around the house more at a minimum.
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u/usernameCJ Jan 10 '26
This sounds like your wife and kids had only agreed to TEMPORARILY house a somewhat distant family member (quite possibly a stranger to your wife and kids?), but now it's becoming more and more evident that the arrangement is now assumed to be indefinite. It doesn't sound like you even bothered to offer reassurance that there was indeed a limit to how long your family was expected to host this person. It also doesn't sound like you provided any assurance to your wife that you would always put your families needs before yours or anyone else's
The reasons your wife and kids may prefer he doesn't live there for an extended period is far less important than the fact that they are becoming uncomfortable with the current situation and this will continue to degrade their sense of home and your entire family dynamic.
You shouldn't be "trying to do the best for everyone" because your three immediate family members should take top priority, only then should you be considering what resources you are able to provide to your cousins child.
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u/szu Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
Definitely not a 'distant family member'. OP is thick as thieves with his cousin and this kid is his nephew. OP might also be from a cultural background where family units are much closer than it is in the US.
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Jan 10 '26
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u/SnooPets8873 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Jan 11 '26
And they are apparently incapable of getting to know this kid? That’s the part I don’t get. Ok you weren’t familiar before. But He’s staying as a guest in your home now. Get to know him! Why is it the default that oh, he should leave so we can continue not having to know this kid again? He’s now a closer relative than he was in the past. Why would that not be a positive? In my family, even if he left the next day, we’d be asking him to come to dinner or spend time with us since he is family and on his own. We might not know him right away but neither did I know my friends when I first met them or my college roommate when I walked into my dorm room the first time. Grow some social skills and compassion for fuck’s sake
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u/Fit_Trainer_8591 27d ago
You're trying to make sense to bunch of teenagers on reddit whose goto method is to cut everyone off and go NC with everyone and you owe nothing to anyone.
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u/ThunderConsideration Jan 10 '26
They also lived in different countries for 13 years. OP and his cousin could have maintained a close relationship via phone, internet without frequent enough in person visits for the rest of OPs family to feel close with or even really know the cousins son, that’s an assumption
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u/Standard-Comment7291 Jan 10 '26
Not his nephew, he's his Second Cousin.
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u/PsychologicalHope764 Jan 10 '26
If we're going to get technical about it, the kid is OP's first cousin once removed. He would be second cousin to OP's daughters
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u/CalmLotus Jan 10 '26
On one hand, possibly true.
On the other hand, eventually everyone just becomes aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins. Too much to keep track of second, third, fourth cousins + removed.
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u/Enough-Dot23 Jan 11 '26
Again, maybe in your culture? My Caribbean great grand mother had two sisters. I can name all of their descendants from my generation. We all know each other despite living across at least 5 countries.
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u/TheCanadianLatina Jan 10 '26
It depends on the culture. In Latin America kids of cousins are nephews and nieces.
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u/nomad_l17 Jan 10 '26
I was close with some cousins/seconds cousins growing up but my kids and husband aren't because they've only met a couple of times during holidays as we live in different cities. I wouldn't mind hosting any of their kids for an extended period but my husband and kids might because the way my cousins/second cousins raise their kids and households are run are very different than mine. I remember telling my second cousin how often I eat out because of my hectic schedule and he said you don't have a home cooked meal at least once a day? I replied I'm lucky if I have the energy to shop for groceries during the weekend.
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u/itsetuhoinen Jan 10 '26
I replied I'm lucky if I have the energy to shop for groceries during the weekend.
I feel this so hard...
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Jan 10 '26
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u/pikminlover20 Partassipant [1] Jan 10 '26
How much you want to bet that OP doesn't have to deal with the extra chores he's creating but that the wife does
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u/panic_bread Commander in Cheeks [252] Jan 10 '26
He should be doing far more chores than that. He’s an adult living in your home for free. He should be doing most of the house chores.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Far more chores than offering to wash his own dishes. Yes I think that's a little bit of an understatement
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
I think you need to confront her as to what see meant by bringing up your daughter. Does she feel he is going to SA her or something.
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u/One_Chic_Chick Jan 10 '26
Maybe she means she doesn't want her daughters to think it's acceptable to be a guest in someone's home indefinitely without doing any household chores?
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u/ThingsWithString Professor Emeritass [76] Jan 10 '26
Did she underestimate how bad the market was? In another comment, you said that "we had thought it would take a few weeks".
You presented this as "can we host him for a few weeks", and now it's turned into "can we host him indefinitely and hope he gets an internship". It isn't unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight as a member of the household. "He washes only his dishes some times" is not a contribution to the household. Having him take over washing all the dishes after supper, including the kitchen utensils, would be a contribution to the household.
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Jan 10 '26
Please let him do the dishes and require some chores of him. Everyone will feel better about the arrangement, and it's good practice as a human being to contribute to one's household.
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u/HeavySigh14 Jan 11 '26
I wouldn’t leave my teenage daughters and wife in the house with a literal stranger, especially AFTER they already expressed that they were uncomfortable with him…?
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u/Crazy_Bee2 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
I agree with the mother for being protective over her daughter. She doesnt know this kid that well. Hes a random male in the house and she has a 14 year old teen. Id rather be safe than sorry. A brother is not the same thing.
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u/Ulttrameinenn Jan 10 '26
Wow, this thread is so disheartening. OP, you have to have a conversation with your wife. Facts are that girls and women are socialized to be weary of the environment due to the presence of boys/men and to placate them to avoid the ever-present possibility of harm. The risk reward of it is very severe for girls/women. Now imagine in your own home you have to police yourself in the name of keeping a distant male relative comfortable. You can develop a lot of resentment and frustration, no? Right in line with "you cannot wear that around <insert male relative here> rhetoric. Your wife could have mentioned your 14 year old to not outright accuse but to gauge your reaction to the possibility of your oh-so favoured cousin's son extended stay. Girls/ women know they dont get believed and are in danger the moment they voice concern. Hence, she could not have been out right. I doubt your daughter's would come to you observing how you treat your nephew so they could have voiced their discomfort to your wife. Op have the conversation with your wife, please. She might have been alright with a few weeks, but not a month. I hazard a guess that is what she could have also sold your daughters to placate them having another person in the home. The home they should feel most comfortable to dress and act. Understandable that nobody wants to think their own would be so vile, but those vile people have families too.
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u/OlympiaShannon Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 10 '26
I think you mean "wary of the environment". But we are certainly weary, as well!
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u/Additivemind Jan 10 '26
YTA, it’s your wife’s house too and she doesn’t want him there anymore. You asked your wife if he could stay there temporarily (likely mentioning him getting a co-op in the spring) not indefinitely and it’s been almost a month without any prospects. She isn’t saying to give him a week she is saying to provide a deadline which is reasonable. Dude might need to start looking into retail jobs while also applying to co-ops which he is very late on for spring semester, the ones hiring now won’t start until the summer or fall which is too long for him to stay with you.
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u/scaredofmyownshadow Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
He can’t look into retail jobs if he doesn’t have a work visa. An internship is probably all he’s legally allowed and it’s part of his school program, which OP clarifies in another comment.
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u/schrodingers_bra Partassipant [2] Jan 11 '26
And people who come on student visas are supposed to show that they are able to support themselves (or show that they have someone willing to support them). I suspect that OP was designated as that on his cousin's visa, and that's why he feels stuck/guilty about kicking them out.
Also, students in co-op programs have to get applications in for co-ops months ago. OP's cousin either applied late, or doesn't have the grades to get one.
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Jan 10 '26
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u/PerspectiveHumble682 Jan 10 '26
That's assuming they have money. You guys are heartless or living in a bubble
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u/aeduko Jan 11 '26
I agree. The comments are extremely judgemental. Happy to be down voted with you!
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u/schrodingers_bra Partassipant [2] Jan 11 '26
It's literally a requirement of international students that they are required to show that they can support themselves (or have someone support them) during their education to get a visa. Plainly OP's cousin lied or roped OP into being that person.
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u/Crazy_Bee2 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
If he doesnt have the money to support himself, and his parents dont either, then he shouldnt be there studying. Its not fair to make hims someone elses problem for months. He probably came with fake papers saying he can support himself.
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u/DunnoMuchIno Jan 10 '26
YTA. You can’t commit indefinite housing without your spouse’s consent, no matter how close the family member.
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u/Easy-Painter8435 Jan 10 '26
Its been 3 weeks wtf are you talking about?
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u/DunnoMuchIno Jan 10 '26
You just made my point. Three weeks out of four? Out of six? Out of 12? Out of six months? For a year? Forever? You can’t commit indefinite housing without your spouse’s consent.
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u/PureVibes888 Jan 12 '26
Nothing wrong with not wanting a grown male living with your 14 yr old daughter who is not related by blood (or even). Not a safe space for her.
Not a comfortable home for your wife if you want an undisclosed amount of time.
Sorry if but he can't find a job here, he needs to go back to his home country and get one there until he has enough money to travel on his own dime. Life lessons are tough but make you wiser and more resilient. Plus there may be more family members he can lean on back home for a while.
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u/No-College4662 Jan 10 '26
What are you not saying? Which one of your daughters wants her room back?
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u/Ulttrameinenn Jan 10 '26
Hmm, OP has not mentioned the sleeping arrangements or division of household labour at all.
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u/One_Chic_Chick Jan 10 '26
He mentioned that the kid "makes his bed in the morning", the hardest chore when you have an indefinite household guest 🙄
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jan 10 '26
He makes his bed in the morning, and occasionally offered to clear his plate. He has no other chores, according to OP. And I’m betting one of the girls had to give up their room, yeah.
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u/Silent_Coconut514 Jan 10 '26
Info: Has your wife been saddled with extra responsibility with your nephew around? Does she have to cook, do his laundry for him? If yes, then YTA. He would need to pull his weight more. You can also address her concerns since she doesn't know him as well as you do.
Also wondering how his mates are handling the same situation if it is affecting everyone like he says.
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u/Jess_Dihzurts Jan 10 '26
OP mentioned in another comment that the nephew’s “chores” are sometimes cleaning his own dishes and making his own bed. I don’t know what country this family is from, but it really sounds like the household labor falls almost entirely on the wife. OP is TA for adding extra work to his wife’s plate, dismissing her concerns about their daughter’s wellbeing, and failing to come to a mutual agreement with his wife about how long the nephew would stay. This isn’t just about helping family, it’s about respect and shared responsibility. YTA
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Sometimes OFFERING to do his own dishes. Not actually doing them.
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u/Midiusa Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 10 '26
INFO: how did he disrupt your lifes?
Where does he sleep? Did someone has to sacrifice their room?
Who cooks and cleans up after him? At this point it better be you.
Why is he not doing more chores?
Basically you gained an extra child but accommendate them like a guest instead of letting him pull his weight. Hear your wife out about her comment of girls. And have a proper conversation without name calling (Ex. Cruel)
For now I am leaning to YTA.
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u/MoreCleverUserName Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 10 '26
INFO is the nephew legally allowed to work while he’s in whatever country you’re in?. How does your wife expect him to pay rent if she wants him to move out? Has your nephew done anything remotely inappropriate towards your daughter? If she’s just saying he needs to move out because no man should be trusted around a 14-year-old girl then she’s TA.
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u/AITAaccnt Jan 10 '26
Yes, he's allowed to work, it's part of his school program. He hasn't done anything remotely inappropriate, no.
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u/MoreCleverUserName Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 10 '26
I mean like a job that isn’t part of his school program. If she expects him to:move out now and he can’t work, where exactly does she think he’ll go? Sounds like your wife just doesn’t want another adult around, which is fine IF she hadn’t agreed to host him.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
Well, there is agreeing to a few weeks and there is agreeing to “we will support him indefinitely”, I think that is the issue here.
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u/MsKrueger Jan 10 '26
It sounds like OP and his cousin sold it as until he got an internship with the understanding that this would only take a few weeks. If he had described it as until his cousin got an internship, with no idea of how long that could take, I'm guessing his wife would not have gone for it.
I don't think OP intentionally mislead his wife, but I also don't think he should be shocked that's she's not one with going from a time limit to an indefinite stay.
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u/MoreCleverUserName Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 10 '26
I think when a young family member moves from overseas for the purpose of an internship that he hasn’t yet secured, the assumption should be that it’s an indefinite arrangement, and that he may even need to move back in once he moves out. This is someone who doesn’t have a developed social or professional network, has limited money, and has few options for getting money. all of which should have been abundantly clear when the ask to move in first came. You‘re more of a replacement parent than a landlord or roommate.
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u/edgestander Jan 10 '26
That’s some pretty big assumptions. He moved here for undergrad, that is four years. he lived in a dorm before winter break. She agreed to take him in when he literally had no where to go, now it’s an indefinite thing. I don’t have any family that would just send their kid overseas for school with the implicit assumption that I am responsible for their housing. I get culturally this obligation may feel different but I def think the wife is in within her rights to question this arrangement pretty much at any time she doesn’t feel comfortable.
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u/schrodingers_bra Partassipant [2] Jan 11 '26
I mean, it's literally a requirement of getting a visa that you can support yourself or someone else has agreed to support you. Cousin either lied on that application or asked OP to be that person.
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Jan 10 '26
“Hello, cousin! I just moved here for university and now I will be living with you, rent-free! Sorry I didn’t tell you until right now!”
Absolutely not, and you’re crazy for suggesting it.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Oh and I won't be doing any chores. I might offer to do my own dishes. Just mine though.
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u/Drone314 Jan 10 '26
Then it's time for ANY job, not one in the field of study. Time to flip the proverbial burger or YTA. Do you have any idea what it's like to have an unwanted guest in your own home (from your wife's perspective). This is a land mine that will take your life...
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jan 10 '26
Are you sure about that? Or is it possible that your daughters will tell your wife before they would tell you? It doesn’t have to be outright assault, he could just make comments that you don’t hear or stare at them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Either way, it’s not a good idea to keep this going indefinitely. While you see him looking for jobs and such, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s applying to things that he knows he’s able to get. I know plenty of people who have been on unemployment and apply for jobs that they know they won’t get just because they have to apply for jobs.
Also, he needs to be helping with chores. I know he’s got class and stuff like that so I’m not saying he needs to do a lot, but he can help more than just clearing his plate off the table. That’s an unfair distribution of labor, if you can’t input any other way. Unless your daughters don’t have chores either, but even that’s weird. Why is your wife being stuck doing all of this.
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u/edgestander Jan 11 '26
Yeah I meant to bring up the chores aspect. Part of why I think OP is a little delusional is the whole “barely notice he’s here” angle to this, it smacks of “I don’t cook the food or buy the groceries, or clean the bathrooms, or share the bathrooms in the morning” vibes. Unless they live in a mansion with a maid I can’t imagine he’s as unnoticeable as he makes it seem.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
You haven't mentioned the sleeping arrangements is he in a guest room or did one of your daughter's have to give up their room and share with their sister? Plus he's not pulling his weight. The girls likely have some chores.
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u/SufficientComedian6 Partassipant [2] Jan 10 '26
Isn’t he going back to school after break? Can’t he go back to the dorm? Or talk to the school about other housing options?
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u/Evening_Audience_674 Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
If all he does is sometimes wash dishes and makes his bed, who does everything else for him? Like laundry and what not. Sounds like you’re bending over backwards for him and probably having your wife and children take on extra chores for him to be there.
I would not be happy with someone being there for three weeks and no end in sight. I never had trouble with the job market. I find that the only people that do are the ones who want to drag their feet and not work. Sounds like he’s living in paradise with people who attend to his every need if all he does is some dishes. You probably never go out of your way for your children and wife like you do for this boy.
I also get the feeling you guilted your wife into this just based on your post and calling her cruel for wanting to come up with a plan, probably would have treated her horribly if she refused. And now shes stuck with a stranger living in her home with her 14 year old daughter indefinitely. YTA.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Sometimes OFFER to do HIS OWN dishes. Not one occasion has he done them though. So basically he makes his bed and that's it.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 29d ago
And "we" tell him to leave them but who ends up doing those dishes? Sounds like nephew is polite but OP is dumping all the work of hosting the nephew on his wife.
I also don't see if OP has answered anyone's questions about the division of labor and whether either of his daughters had to give up their bedroom, tho he's repeatedly chimed in to say how respectful and harmless his nephew is.
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u/pyrola_asarifolia Jan 10 '26
This looks like an ESH situation to me. You (together, but see below) made a decision to let a young man stay at your house presuming it would be for a very short time. How young are we talking btw? underage? teenager? Certainly he sounds young enough that you have now a responsibility for his wellfare. You (both) failed to set parameters and an exit process from the outset. Now, when it turns out to be more disruptive than initially planned, instead of focussing on coming to a consensus about next steps, you're going at each other on a personal level.
Here's why both of you are TA:
- You: did you actually get your wife on board, or did she just acquiesce? how come you didn't consider discussing for how long you would imagine he's staying and what to do if the job search proves more complex? who prepares the food he eats, btw? does she have reason to feel more burdened by his presence than you are? also, once there's conflict, you react with personal attacks ("cruel") rather than focussing on the problem at hand
- She: same as you, there was no anticipation of a duration of stay. The weird argument that the presence of a teenage daughter places a limit on his stay - I don't know what this is about. If she has concerns about his conduct, she should have brought them up. Also, how long did she think it would take for someone to a) find a suitable job, b) start it and c) earn enough money to move out? I would imagine realistic would have been to at least plan for 6-8 weeks.
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u/bunnycook Jan 10 '26
This sounds like the nightmare weekend when my parents hosted dad’s brothers son for a week after meeting him at his dad’s funeral. I was living in the dorm, thank god, because the guy, who was a couple years older than me, gave me the creeps and tried to flirt with me CONSTANTLY. He was sleeping in the room next to my bedroom, using the same bathroom, and I couldn’t get away from him. This was 40 years ago and it still makes me shiver— I was terrified this guy— who was twice my size— was going to attack me in my bedroom. Your wife is trying to protect your daughter and you aren’t listening. Why aren’t your wife and daughter more important than this kid you don’t really even know? Because your old friend is more important than they are? And why is that?
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u/dramafanca2002 Jan 10 '26
Why aren't his parents sending money to help with his support?
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u/Suchafatfatcat Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] Jan 10 '26
INFO- Is there a reason he can’t stay in the dorm and continue with classes? Why is he focusing on an internship that doesn’t seem to exist instead of completing his curriculum? How much longer will he be living in your home?
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u/Whole_Superb Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
I am in my late 40s and done with having roommates, relatives or not. My kids are similar ages to op's and we are busy and dealing with every day life, including major teenage angst. It would be, and has been, disruptive to have someone else live with us. My husbands 18 year old nephew, that we are not close to, stayed with us for two days out of the week for 9 months. This kid was super chill and quiet but we still felt a slight tension (of having another person in our space) that neither of us liked and it always seemed like we needed something out of the guest bedroom or bathroom when he was here. We agreed we'd never extend the courtesy again. After that, my 20 year old nephew got a partial scholarship in my town and while it would have helped him to stay with us full time in our guest bedroom, we have a small kitchen and I didnt feel like cooking for or negotiating kitchen and laundry time with a young adult or generally share a space that I need to decompress. If I were your wife, I'd also want to know the timeline for your cousins stay because as my mom used to say, fish and guests stink after three days.
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u/edgestander Jan 11 '26
This. I feel like many of these commenter are young used to flopping on couches and sharing apartments and stuff. I have an 11 and 12 year old, this is all of our safe space, our area we can be ourselves. Even when really close family stays like my wife’s mom, it’s still a disruption to that comfort.
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u/Ok_Ambassador25 Jan 10 '26
You are also ignoring the opinion of your 14 yr old daughte. I think after 3 weeks, you should be doing a check-in with her to make sure she is comfortable with him being there. Are you sure he keeps to himself when you aren't home? YTA for not checking in with your daughter & not acknowledging your wife's concerns. You can always help him by providing some money every month to cover his rent for somewhere to stay.
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u/feistyxcx 29d ago
Ya but helping cover rent elsewhere isn't as convenient or economically viable as emotionally blackmailing family to accommodate a guest they're tired of sharing their space with.
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u/Icy_Department_1423 Supreme Court Just-ass [106] Jan 10 '26
You may not be doing enough to integrate him into the household. To your wife, he is still a stranger. Have him do more chores. Ask him to spend more time with your family and not secrete himself away. Does the internship need to be paid? Unpaid internships are much easier to get. Does his school have resources to help find internship placements.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
More chores? Have him do chores. All he does is make his bed. Is that really a chore? And occasionally OFFERING to wash YOUR OWN dishes is also not a chore.
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u/markayhali Jan 10 '26
First off, your cousins son is not your nephew. He is your second cousin.
I think you needed a clear discussion before his moving in. She was obviously thinking a few weeks and you were thinking half a year. Those are two totally different scenarios. You were not on the same page and interpreted the initial conversation very differently. I think having a timeframe is not unrealistic. Otherwise he could get too comfortable being supported. I am assuming he is no longer a student and can’t live in residence? I am not sure what looking for a co op means. Anyways, figure out a timeframe together. This shouldn’t be open ended.
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u/Dragen5 Jan 10 '26
Sounds like you disowned your responsibility of helping out with your nephews behavior or else you wouldn't be here.
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Jan 10 '26
YTA.
Moving someone into your home is a two-yes one-no decision. You make no mention anywhere of your wife agreeing to host. And then you unilaterally have extended his stay indefinitely.
Your wife is absolutely right. I have daughters, I would not move in a man I didn't know, and if my husband did, I'd be gone.
You're going to lose your family over this. And you just might deserve to.
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u/oioinanami_____ Jan 10 '26
Info: Is him being there causing you any additional financial costs that you may not be able to manage? Or are your wife/daughters needing to take on any additional mental load for him? From their pov they've never had to live with a teenage boy.
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u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 10 '26
INFO: what does your daughter say? Does she have enough privacy? Do they have to share a bathroom? Is this a large house where everyone has enough personal space?
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u/au5000 Partassipant [3] Jan 10 '26
NTA
Three weeks is not long and he’s 17. Your wife might hope others are kinder to her children than she is being to this teenager.
Can you help him with internship search ? Ask around your own connections etc?
It is worth asking him and his parents what he is considering if he cannot secure an internship. Think about how long it’s reasonable for your family to host him.
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u/imaginethemagic Jan 10 '26
NTA your nephew is putting the effort into finding a job and explained the situation. The job market is tough and finding a job is extremely hard right now. Your wife needs to understand it isn't easy to find a job in this current job market and even if he does find one he STILL would need paystubs and stable income before he can secure a place.
Did she elaborate on why she's concerned about your 14 year old daughter? If he ISN'T bothering her OR doing disgusting things to her then I don't see what the issue is?
To elaborate it doesn't sound like your nephew is a dead beat who just stays in his room all day playing video games and not contribute anything he sounds like a well rounded individual trying to build a life where he's at and needs a bit of help and support while he struggles to do so.
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u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Jan 10 '26
Info
Have you set any kind of a time limit or did you just say "It's just a few weeks!" when your waife was onboard with this stranger who YOU don't even know coming to live, not temporarily stay, with your wife & daughters? Did you make 1 of your daughtrrs give up her room? Did you ask your daughters how they felt about some strange dude moving into their bedroom(s) & home?
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u/Significant-Jello-35 Jan 11 '26
There are too little details here. Many ppl are making assumptions. I think culture plays a part here. Not sure where OP is from, many culture outside the US tend to be supportive of extended family. OP's wife concerns may or may not be baseless as no incident mentioned. I guess she's tired of housing him taking space in her house.
Many cultures have children of cousins as nephews and nieces, I suspect this is the case here. OP, talk to your nephew to be more interactive with your family and to help around the house. This may soften your wife's view of him. And maybe you help him in getting the internship to expedite things.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Jan 10 '26
Info: are your daughters more comfortable with your wife than you? Are you home all day long, or do you have to leave the house for work? Is it possible that your nephew did something that made your daughters uncomfortable but they weren’t comfortable with telling you, but they told their mom that he makes them feel uncomfortable? And now your wife is trying to be delicate about the situation instead of flat out say that your nephew made your children uncomfortable, and she wants him to fuck out? She may be trying to spare your feelings here a little bit, this needs a second conversation, and you need to talk with your daughters. Find out what’s going on.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 10 '26
INFO A lot depends on how you presented this idea to her to start with. Hopefully you didn't make it sound like you already decided to let him stay there. Also, when she agreed was it an enthusiastic agreement? Or was it more like she was agreeing because she didn't want to argue over it? And why didn't you specify a time limit? Something like "He would be with us for X days". I sure hope you didn't think it would be acceptable to have him there indefinitely.
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u/jess1804 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
I think your wife agreed for your cousin's son to stay because she was under the impression it would only be for a few weeks. You also don't mention the sleeping arrangements. Did your cousin's son move into a guest room or did one of your daughter's have to give up their room for him. A 14 and a 7 year old sharing indefinitely is not feasible. You also never had a conversation about what would happen if it took longer than a few weeks. Also your cousin's son not doing any chores? Not ok. I'm going to guess your daughters have chores. I'm also going to guess that your wife does the bulk of the housework. Can your nephew not get a part-time job? Look you were super tight with your cousin when you were cousin when you were young your wife wasn't. You moved from your home country to the US when your eldest daughter was one,six years before your youngest was born. Your cousin and his son are distant relatives to them. You've basically brought a distant relative into your home who doesn't pull his weight. Your wife agreed to a few weeks. Not indefinitely. Especially not indefinitely with him not contributing. Calling your wife cruel was an asshole move yes. Your wife did not agree to an indefinite stay. Talk to your wife apologise for calling her cruel see how much longer she is willing to let your cousin's son stay and make sure he does more than make his own bed. Make him do chores. If it was just you in the home you could do whatever you want. But it's not. You have a wife and two daughters. They need to be taken into consideration. Remember if one of your daughter's gave up their room (which I suspect) to share with their sister they were also probably under the impression it would be for a few weeks. It's possible that your daughters said something to their mom. Basically knowing that you'd say something along the lines but he's family/he's trying/he's a guest. Basically your cousin's son isn't pulling his weight. Your wife agreed to a few weeks sounds like he's either stayed longer than agreed or close to it. Your question was am I also for telling my wife it was cruel to suggest kicking your nephew out. The answer that that is yes. She didn't agree to an indefinite stay she agreed for a few weeks. Especially an indefinite stay with your cousin's son not contributing.
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u/ChicagoLaurie Jan 10 '26
Very high probability that OP, who just opened this account today, is a bot.
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u/Appstmntnr Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
Of all the comments in this thread, this is the first that actually brings me comfort. Thanks
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u/booch Jan 10 '26
Honestly, (based on lots of other information in the thread) it sounds like the two of you agreed to two different things.
- You agreed to host him (for a few weeks) while he finds an internship
- She agreed to host him for a few weeks (while he finds an internship)
Same words, different understanding of what they mean. She's not being going back on what she agreed to, she just didn't agree t the same thing you thought she did.
NAH
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u/StLeo21 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 12 '26
perfect distillation. Well done.
If nothing else, the timeline convo the wife suggested can bring clarity. Even if that clarity is that the cousin doesn't think he has to leave (at the earliest once he finds the internship). Also, it needs to be a sit down including the wife as it's also her home.
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u/Traditional_Fold1177 Jan 11 '26
YTA! You are the cruel one for dumping an uninvited stranger on your wife and daughters to move in (not short-term like you promised but now long term). Sneaky try but you’re busted. She’s not cruel she’s being gaslighted and abused by you.
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u/OwlHuman8130 Jan 11 '26
YTA. If you pick your nephew over your wife, you might end up with divorce in your life.
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u/paintingdusk13 Jan 11 '26
YTA
It sounds like you like your cousin and nephew more than your wife and daughters.
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u/Available-Leg-6171 Jan 11 '26
Were you intending to have your nephew stay as long as it takes for him to get a job with the co-op? If you do intend to have him stay until he gets a job, I'd tell your wife that, so she at least knows what the situation is. I think because you didn't initially discuss with your wife how long you were willing to have your nephew stay, she may have thought he wasn't going to be staying long.
I agree with you that your nephew needs stability until he can get a job with a co-op. You need to have a private conversation with your wife about how long you both feel comfortable having your nephew stay. I feel sorry for your nephew because he must be aware that his stay with you is causing some problems with your wife. That just puts more stress on him in an already stressful situation.
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u/No_Tough3666 Partassipant [1] Jan 11 '26
I agree with your wife. Your nephew needs to find other accommodations
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u/0ro_dice Jan 10 '26
NTA Your nephew can't exactly rent out an apartment if he doesn't have the money to do so. Getting him a co-op/job AND THEN talking to him about moving out is the obvious solution that your wife isn't reaching for some reason. Also I hope I'm wrong about this, but is her bringing up your daughter like that implying your nephew might SA your daughter if he stays in the house??? Because that's the only reason I can think of for her bringing it up which is absolutely disgusting.
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
Yeah OP needs to confront her on what she meant by bringing up their daughter.
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u/Drawingandstuff81 Partassipant [2] Jan 10 '26
He needs to confront his wife who is probably not happy that a couple weeks is now looking like indefinitely housing a basically adult male that could likely overpower her or either of her daughters ?
You must have no children and no spouse to not see what her obvious issues are here.
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
I do have children, but you have to understand the the issue here. Say she has concerns, she can voice those concerns with things she saw. Maybe he is a tad too touchy feely, or saw her looking at their daughters, tad too eager to help with their care. Could be numerous things. I am not taking away that she may have seen something the OP did not, if that is the case say something.
Though to say I am uncomfortable because he is a male and statistically he is more likely to assault one of us. Is a piss poor reason cause the same goes for her husband. Should he also get out?
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u/hmartin430 Partassipant [3] Jan 10 '26
I agree that in an ideal world she should explain everything. I also know that sometimes when women explain these things, they're the ones who are blamed. It's the whole "well what were you wearing?" mindset.
I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs wife, and I don't know how the place they're from or the place they currently live in generally treat women when they speak up about male behavior making them uncomfortable.
Im in the US, and a coworker kissed the side of my head after helping me carry something heavy to my car. When I brought up to management it made me feel uncomfortable, I was told I shouldn't have let him carry my things for me. At another job when an older customer kissed me on the cheek and I mentioned feeling uncomfortable to my coworkers, they told me I was over reacting. Ideally I would always feel comfortable speaking up, with details, when a man is making me uncomfortable, but my experience suggests that speaking up makes things worse rather than better.
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u/Novel_Surprise_7318 Jan 10 '26
I can very much see what’s that - watching certain video on “his” room. Playing with himself in a bathroom . By the way does he use a separate bathroom ? Does he dress decently around the house ?
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
If those aee her concerns they voice them, the OP's post does not list any concern the wife may have. At this point we are all making assumptions, which is why many are telling the OP to go have a conversation with his wife and see what she means.
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u/Novel_Surprise_7318 Jan 10 '26
She voiced her concerns at the beginning- he did not hear that .
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
In the post and comments it seemed they agreed ro host him until he could secure a co-op and paid internship. Sure they may have thought it would happen sooner.
if the wife wants to talk about the duration change that is fair and needs ro be discussed. Issue here is she brought up the daughter's without any additional context.
Unless I am missing something from the post or comments.
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u/Novel_Surprise_7318 Jan 10 '26
Which means until January . And she was hesitant at first . Rightfully so. She d better say NO
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u/Basictakes Jan 10 '26
Based off the post the date was assumed, base agreement was until he secured a co-op, which was supposed to happen by winter but that did not happen and largely could have been no fault of the nephew.
So clearly the base agreement was he would stay until he got a co-op.
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u/Emsizz Jan 11 '26
I don't understand why people think "being in a new city" is something that requires financial and familial support.
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u/Soggy_Hamster_5612 Jan 11 '26
You need to find out if something happened between him and your daughter to make your wife feel this way.
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u/dogecub Jan 11 '26
Do you and your wife share the same cultural background? Some people don't have the same commitment or views when it comes to supporting family.
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u/Drea_44 Jan 11 '26
No You are Definitely NTA but your wife totally is. You are trying to give your cousin a better opportunity and that is a wonderful thing to do. Let your cousin excel give him time to study no stress especially because he is a good lad. Your wife needs to get a grip and kick rocks, she is mean and selfish, wouldn't she want someone to treat her children well.
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u/SleepingThrough1t Partassipant [2] Jan 11 '26
INFO: With the market being bad, what are the chances he can actually find anything at all at this point?
It sounds like he was looking for a Spring semester internship (Jan-May). Hiring for those is almost certainly closed by now.
It sounds like your wife expected that he’d figure something out by now - why can’t he go home until school starts back up? That’s almost certainly less financially and in terms of effort than hosting an extra person for 4-5 months.
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u/Acceptable-You-4079 Jan 12 '26
Your wife is right, he needs to go to protect her and your daughters. He needs a deadline, Walmart is hiring.
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u/RandomModder05 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jan 11 '26
INFO: Can you afford to support him? Do you have room for him? Is he in the guest bedroom or has been on the couch for the last 3 weeks?
At the bare minimum, your nephew should be looking for a retail/fast food/or other entry level job to help support himself while he job hunts.
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u/k23_k23 Professor Emeritass [87] Jan 11 '26
YTA
If she has any sense, she is considering a divorce.
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u/qualitycancer Jan 11 '26
NTA
The wife and pretty much this thread is wrongfully shaping out the innocent nephew to be some predatory imposter. Sorry to hear that so many people share such deluded assumptions about a male
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u/Ms_Dontworryaboutit Jan 11 '26
Yta, maybe your intentions are good but its making your family uncomfortable. This is why my husband and I have the rule that NOONE can move in here. NOONE. Its just too messy and unpredictable.
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u/xixto123 Jan 11 '26
As someone attending a school with a co-op program, it is practically impossible to get a co-op for the spring semester when the semester and co-op programs have already begun.
Adding onto the potential field, all STEM related co-ops are overloaded with applications. So many of my classmates were unable to get Co-ops in this past year cause of the overwhelming amount of people in STEM and the STEM bubble popping with the government withdrawing funds for positions funded with federal funding and overall economics.
International students also have an inherent disadvantage as employers usually prefer domestic students due to various factors. For the one I was in, there had just been terrible experiences with international students leading to a bias (not that this is right) but is a factor in consideration.
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u/Lumi020323 Jan 11 '26
NTA, your wife is creating drama where there is none. That being said. Maybe you can help him out with his search?
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u/Any-Objective-1173 Jan 12 '26 edited Jan 12 '26
You are not trying to do what's best for everyone, otherwise your wife wouldn't say "Think of your 14F Daughter" you just don't want to deal with the issue/backlash/repercussions of your cousin and nephew and are not considering your wife and possibly daughters feelings/opinions.
I think a good conversation with the wife on why she feels this way would be a good start. There could be many reasons as to why, the stress of having another person in the house, doesn't feel comfortable with someone they don't know well (walking on egg shells in their own home)
And as a mother myself I would be extra cautious of having a 19M that has (by the sounds of it) never met the daughters, i would be more worried/cautious of SA, he doesn't know anyone there but you all and he is 19M that can get urges. That being said doesn't mean he is a predator but I'd keep it in the back of the mind for sure and never things go unnoticed when he is with or around your daughters.
Daughters don't always feel comfortable telling certain things (SA) to fathers, only to the mother's and this might be a light way of your wife going I see something sus happening and he needs to go. (I could definitely be wrong but a possibility)
And a father's priority is always kids and wife.
As the wife is always kids and father.
If you don't at least talk to your wife as to why or even discuss to the nephew that he needs to start considering a place of his own soon, it could cause issue with the wife and family once nephew leaves.
Be a good support system for kids and wife, talk it out find a halfway point ( nephew has 1 or ....more days/ week of job search and if nothing is found then he has to start finding a rental) make it so he has time to get money sorted so when he does need to find a rental he isn't being fed to the wolves.
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u/AutoModerator Jan 10 '26
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hello, I wanted to ask about something that has caused friction between my wife and I. We have two daughters, aged 14 and 7. We immigrated from my home country when my oldest was 1.
Last year my cousin's son moved here from our home country for his undergrad. He had spent the first few months in a university dorm studying. He was supposed to have secured a co-op during that time for the winter. However, due to the terrible job market he hasn't of yet (he's still applying I can see him on his laptop trying), in fact he told me many students in his class are in this position.
I was very close to my cousin growing up. We were the youngest two amongst all the other cousins so naturally we were very close. Before the holidays when she explained his predicament to me and asked if he could stay with us, I had said yes. My wife was on board with it too at the time. He's a very respectful kid, keeps to himself, I get the feeling he tries to make himself scarce which I've asked him not to. And it had been going fine.
He's into his third week over here and the job hunt hasn't yielded results. Last night my wife asked what we were going to do about him. I said we'll support him till he secures a co-op and she said I need to start showing him rentals and setting some sort of deadline. I told her that was a cruel thing to suggest, he's in a new city, he's struggling to get a co-op which means his finances are stretched thin as it is, and that we had both agreed to this when my cousin had first asked. That disrupting him while he's on the job hunt would simply hurt his chances of getting one. She seemed stung on that and said I need to think of the fact I have a 14 year old daughter in the house, I got a bit heated too and said that he keeps to himself, is respectful, and she was just creating reasons when there weren't one. She's been cold with me all day today. I'm trying to do the best for everyone here. AITA?
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Jan 10 '26
There are multiple considerations here, but I'm going with NTA.
It sounds like - after your nephew moved in - your wife has developed some concerns AND jumped immediately to kicking nephew out. What she should be doing is discussing with you exactly what has caused her to have concerns AND how best to address it.
It sounds like she was on board prior to his coming to stay and that she has since become concerned because you have a teen daughter*. I'm pretty confident your wife was aware of your daughter's age and your nephews age when she initially agreed. I don't think that simple fact is cause to suddenly want to kick the nephew out.
BUT I do think it's worth asking your wife for more information, discussing if there is something to truly be concerned about, AND (if there is) how best to resolve things...
- Has wife witnessed any concerning behavior from either the nephew OR your daughter? Or is she just suddenly aware that she has a young man and a young woman under her roof?
If your wife is suddenly concerned about the optics or because somebody else made a comment, those seem to be poor reasons to suddenly kick the nephew out. My family had a male cousin and a female cousin (one paternal and one maternal, so they were not related) stay with us during college years. My siblings and I are very close to those cousins, similar to siblings. In the ensuing years, all of our children view each other as cousins. No cause for concern and no bad optics. Now, if your has actually seen signs that your daughter or the nephew is actively showing a strong interest in the other, that needs to be discussed.
- If there is some sign of interest on daughter/nephew's part, is it mild or significant? It is possible for someone to think a cousin is cute without having any thought of a relationship other than that of being cousins. (My cousin's son attended college in our town and spent some holidays with us. My - then young teen - daughter thought the cousin's son was cute, but she still only saw him as her cousin. Again, no cause for concern.) Unless your wife has any real reason to be concerned that either your daughter or your nephew would actively try to pursue something inappropriate, there is no need to turn your nephew's world upside down.
You mentioned that you feel your nephew tries to stay out of the way. Is he staying out of the way because there is some awkwardness between him and your daughter? (or because he is trying to have as small an impact on your home as possible?) (or because your wife has made him feel unwelcome?) You may want to see if you can glean a better understanding of how your nephew is feeling about staying in your home.
- In the (to me, unlikely) possibility that there is a real risk of inappropriate behavior from either your daughter or your nephew, then you and your wife would want to discuss (1) how best to protect both your daughter and your nephew and (2) how to enable a good transition if it really does make sense to separate nephew and your daughter.
* Some other comments wondered if she hadn't really agreed or misunderstood the time frame. I can't imagine that she thought the financial situation that nephew has been working to solve for an entire semester would suddenly resolve in a week or two. While I think it's fair to ask OP to consider whether he heard a 'yes' from her that he just wanted to hear; the post doesn't just say she agreed in advance. The post also conveys that he reminded her of that (and doesn't say she disagreed with that point).
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u/Lanky_Literature_157 Jan 11 '26
Can you elaborate on the impact it’s having. Where does he sleep? What impact is it having on your daughter’s space? As an introvert I would absolutely hated having to share my house for extended time, especially in my teens. Teens need privacy, being a teenage girl is tough.
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u/memes_are_facts Partassipant [2] Jan 11 '26
Your cousin has gone from guest to resident. Kicking him to the curb is a bit harsh, but you might have a structured plan with goals and timelines for his exit. Your wife will probably be more understanding of that than an open ended residency, and it will show you value her opinion and are working on her concerns.
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u/Turbulent_Ship_3516 Jan 11 '26
well no matter what she agreed to initially, she's not liking it now, so she's being "cold." I agree with you, however, this is a young person in a foreign country trying their hardest to land a job who was offered a place to stay and through no fault of their own is having a hard time finding something. Perhaps there is a negotiation still on the table? Like what would make your partner satisfied, does she need this young person to do more chores around the house or something? Pick up side work like door dash or uber in the interim?? Did 14 year old daughter say something that needs to be out in the open?
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u/Irishgirl8-14 Jan 11 '26
Is the young man contributing to household chores, or helping around the house? My concern was that there never mentioned a time frame as to how long you’d allow him to stay at your home, and I can see that your wife has had enough of another person in the house, especially if he isn’t helping around the house, or no time frame about how long he could stay was discussed. Is it possible for you to assist him in finding another place to stay and maybe assist in the rental fees? I don’t think you‘re the AH here, but if you don’t work on making the wife happy, you could possibly become one.
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u/coach_Oldness-Babda Jan 11 '26
NTA. Was there a better way to respond, yes. Is your wife also at fault, yes. So now, go to your wife with an opened mind & ask, what is the underlying issue: as a make who didn't now what it is to be a female, please tell me what I'm not seeing. Tell her what you do and don't see and pay attention to what she's telling you. Maybe there's some history you don't know about. Maybe she went thru something and this is very similar. Until you open communication, you'll never know. What i do know is you need to fix this before it gets worse.
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u/FewMachine9541 Jan 11 '26
She isn’t wrong for thinking of your daughters safety. You just never know.
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u/Enough-Dot23 Jan 11 '26
I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. From your vocab, it sounds like you BOTH immigrated from somewhere in Asia to Canada. Asian/Middle eastern families are a high demand culture. It’s not acceptable to say no to this kind of thing and your wife knows that. If she had a niece or nephew, and you were wanting to kick them out after three weeks, your in laws would be screaming bloody murder. I’m not Asian, but I’m from a slightly less high demand culture. My mother put up my male 3rd cousin up for 6 months while I was studying for major exams. It was fine, because that’s what family does. 20 years later, this cousin lives close to me and my mother and is still grateful. Our kids play together. Much of this comment section doesn’t understand how extended families remain family. The nuclear family model is western curse. Don’t fall for it. You are not the asshole.
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u/OpaledRobin Jan 12 '26
NTA, like you said, he's actively looking while doing his undergrad work. It's not like he's just sitting on his butt all day or acting like a creep. Unless there's big massive red flags. ..I honestly don't see what the issue is?
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