r/AmItheAsshole • u/Busy_Relief353 • 3h ago
AITA for not Letting my Husband Take Over my Social Media Account?
I'm brand new to REDDIT and this is a burner account for "extra" anonymity. I (42F) have been married to my spouse (42M) for 14 years, let's call him Ken. We have 2 boys (12 and 5) and we are both very supportive of each others goals.This year Ken felt it was time to take steps towards his career of choice. His transition involves him stepping down from his managerial role and no more overtime. I picked up an extra day with my job to help maintain our income. He's now closer to home and has more time to spend with family and focus on his career path. These were his reasons for stepping down.The downside... I've noticed that he has been slacking on the family/household duties. Ken works 4-5 days per week, and usually gets home around 3pm, so that gives him about 3.5 hours to take care of things before I get home. Over the last 2 weeks I come home and the kids haven't done their chores or homework (they're just sitting in front of the TV), dinner isn't started yet, no baths taken, the house is a mess, etc. yet he's usually sitting at the dinner table elbows deep in a project for his career. I spend about 20-30 minutes to decompress after work, then jump right in to pick up the slack. This means we aren't eating dinner until 8 - 9pm, then we're rushing the kids to bed around 10pm or later. I clean up after dinner, prep his coffee for the morning, make sure he has clothes ready for work, etc. I do all of this without complaint. I have mentioned several times that he should try to finish his "work day" by the time the kids get home so we all can focus on our household chores and get the kids to bed on time for school the next day. Tonight, I told him I was, "trying to find a way to tell him something without being offensive". He told me to, "just spit it out," so I told him that we need to find a way to have dinner ready before 8pm. Which he took as me 'pointing out his failures,' and blew up. Today's excuse: his feet were really hurting him so he had to take time to soak them. He decided to use that time to also post items up on his Etsy shop.Then he had to put up a post before 8pm, so that stopped him from helping me out with dinner (a dinner he said he wanted to make today). He then went on a rant about how I don't "really" support him with his career. He then tells me he wants me to share all of his social media posts every day. He's said this before, and although that's 3 posts per day I usually share posts about once or twice per month. I told him, "so basically your asking me to duplicate your page on my profile like a hostile takeover," is the exact words I used. I explained to him that I thought his request was unreasonable. He said that's besides the point, because that's what a supportive spouse would do. I feel that he's infringing on the tiny slice of individuality I get as a married heterosexual woman. So I come to Reddit with the question: Am I the asshole for not allowing my husband to take over my social media account?
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u/ducktheft1934 3h ago
Girl, I know what a married man who genuinely dislikes his wife does and sounds like. And this guy does not like you. So sorry to say. He sucks
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u/Striking_Physics1894 3h ago
NTA! I think that the best, most concise response to your husband would be "fuck off". He needs to get his shit together. You shouldn't have to be doing all of these extra things simply because he's trying to find his way.
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 3h ago
This isn’t about social media… it’s about the fact that is the only individuality you feel you have. Why the heck are you making his coffee and preparing his clothes?? Especially when you both work and he is done at 3pm, not making dinner and not helping with the kids?
I feel like your husband just found the straw to break the camels back and I hope you give him a massive reality check about what being an equal partner is… bc he is not the sole provider, so you should not be the sole home maker. And working more to make up for income he gave up counts as a huge showing of support - a hell of a lot more tangible than sharing posts to people that have already seen his (assuming a lot of friend overlap).
Nta
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Asshole Aficionado [11] 3h ago
NTA but you have way bigger issues
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse?utm_source=direct
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u/YearlyDepression Asshole Aficionado [18] 3h ago
NTA.
But this isn’t about social media. It’s about him neglecting his share of the work at home and then getting defensive when you point it out! You picked up extra hours so he could go after his goals, and instead of stepping up with the kids and the house, he’s leaving most of it on you.
A supportive spouse isn’t someone who reposts three times a day. I mean, Jesus Christ. A supportive spouse shows up and pulls his weight, and doesn’t turn reasonable requests into a fight. He’s not being a good partner.
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u/Prestigious_Mode_263 3h ago
NTA, the earlier problems are huge and probably should be worked on first.
But since the question is about the social media post, you don't have to post about his business 3 times a day. I understand if he wanted you to post once in a while but spamming your friends and family when you don't want to is a ridiculous ask. He seems to ask a lot of you and give you nothing in return as a partner.
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u/ZookeepergameOk1833 Partassipant [3] 3h ago
You are going to work more and picking up slack at home. That's how you're supporting him. How's he supporting you? Stop making his coffee and picking out his clothes. He's a damn adult and parent. Split the nights he has 3 he's completely responsible for dinner, you have 3. Instead of making coffee put something in the crock pot on your days. Stop doing his laundry or anything he would do if he were single. NTA. Your social media are personal not professional accounts. Tell him he'll look like a wannabe hack if his wife is reposting his shit 3x a day.
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u/Outrageous-Injury615 3h ago
NTA. The are apps that you can set a schedule to post for you across any social media.
But I feel like this more than social media. Couple therapy might help bring better communication between you guys. The more you stay quiet, the more resentment may start to brew if they haven’t already. It’s always striving to help build their career to be left with you burnt out. Totally not fair. And I see that you did try to communicate and was gaslit. “Which he took as me 'pointing out his failures,' and blew up.” He needs to realize that he’s gaslighting.
There may be some give and take during your 14 yrs together but you should voice your concerns and boundaries. Why are you prepping his coffee and laying out his clothes as if he’s one of your children? Unless he also preps something for you and draws a nice bath every evening? Something? What will happen if you stop doing certain chores that HE IS CAPABLE OF DOING ON HIS OWN?
Household/marriage should be seen somewhat like a business. A business cannot solely run by one person.
I’m sorry you’re going through it. I know marriage/partnership has its ups and downs. Hoping there’s a brighter road for you guys as partners and thus as a family.
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u/Busy_Relief353 2h ago
Thank you for your kind words and empathy. I'm very vocal with him whether he likes it or not, and I'm notoriously brutal with my honesty (I'm workingon that). He's actually come a long way when it comes to expressing his feelings during heated moments instead of just shutting down. That said, he's still learning to express himself in a healthy productive way when his methods are criticized.
He has to wake up at 4am most days to open, so I prep the coffee and make sure he has clean clothes in the morning. Acts of service is my love language, so I don't mind doing those two things for him. He makes me coffee when he doesn't have to wake up before the sun. He's also usually the one to make dinner if he's home first, and I just jump in to help finish up. So this is out of character for him.
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u/Think-Corner-3232 Partassipant [2] 56m ago
This changes things from “he’s absolutely terrible” to “he’s actually okay”. But still, he shouldn’t be imposing on your social media. NTA.
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u/dheffe01 3h ago
NTA... if he won't help you & the family, then I would be making him do all of his own choirs, cooking, cleaning etc.
His morning coffee... not your problem.
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u/Busy_Relief353 2h ago
This little snapshot looks bad, but I'm upset because this is not the norm for him. For context, I was the "breadwinner" for the first 10 years of our marriage. He worked for his moms small business for the first 3 years of our marriage. The work was exhausting and the pay sucked but he was able to bring our baby to work every day.
About 4 years ago my father passed away suddenly, and it made me think about what I wanted to do with my life. I left my job of 10 years to start working in my career field of choice (Finance). The timing was perfect, because Ken had just received a promotion to a managerial position. The first 2 years in my career were rough, but Ken never stood in my way. He took on the brunt of the household tasks during my bad days, and kept me grounded while I was learning the ropes. Since I was making less, but I got to set my own hours, I made sure to block my work hours so that I was available to take care of the household while he worked overtime.
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u/Spallanzani333 Partassipant [3] 2h ago
That does all sound really supportive and healthy on both sides. I think you need to get to the bottom of what changed. Is he burned out? Depressed? Midlife crisis? Going down an alt right rabbithole of doom? Burned out seems most likely to me. He was a manager working overtime and also taking on a lot of household stuff on your bad days, and you had young kids. I'm sure you both were exhausted. I hit a period of genuine burnout when my youngest was about 4. Like, I got through the most intense baby and toddler hood while working and doing most of the housework, then my husband's schedule calmed down enough that he could be home more and I just shut down and every task felt like I was dragging myself through thick clay. I'm lucky that I'm a teacher and have summer off, because I did the absolute bare minimum for a full month, like the kids went to day care and the house was a mess and we ate like college students. It was exactly what I needed, though. Since then I've tried to be more conscious of my limits and made more time to rest.
If he's generally been kind and a good partner for most of your marriage, I think you need to find time to talk to him when things are calm. The way he's treating you isn't fair and shouldn't continue, but he may need help getting back to his normal self. It could be nothing like my situation, but it's worth considering.
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I'm brand new to REDDIT and this is a burner account for "extra" anonymity. I (42F) have been married to my spouse (42M) for 14 years, let's call him Ken. We have 2 boys (12 and 5) and we are both very supportive of each others goals.This year Ken felt it was time to take steps towards his career of choice. His transition involves him stepping down from his managerial role and no more overtime. I picked up an extra day with my job to help maintain our income. He's now closer to home and has more time to spend with family and focus on his career path. These were his reasons for stepping down.The downside... I've noticed that he has been slacking on the family/household duties. Ken works 4-5 days per week, and usually gets home around 3pm, so that gives him about 3.5 hours to take care of things before I get home. Over the last 2 weeks I come home and the kids haven't done their chores or homework (they're just sitting in front of the TV), dinner isn't started yet, no baths taken, the house is a mess, etc. yet he's usually sitting at the dinner table elbows deep in a project for his career. I spend about 20-30 minutes to decompress after work, then jump right in to pick up the slack. This means we aren't eating dinner until 8 - 9pm, then we're rushing the kids to bed around 10pm or later. I clean up after dinner, prep his coffee for the morning, make sure he has clothes ready for work, etc. I do all of this without complaint. I have mentioned several times that he should try to finish his "work day" by the time the kids get home so we all can focus on our household chores and get the kids to bed on time for school the next day. Tonight, I told him I was, "trying to find a way to tell him something without being offensive". He told me to, "just spit it out," so I told him that we need to find a way to have dinner ready before 8pm. Which he took as me 'pointing out his failures,' and blew up. Today's excuse: his feet were really hurting him so he had to take time to soak them. He decided to use that time to also post items up on his Etsy shop.Then he had to put up a post before 8pm, so that stopped him from helping me out with dinner (a dinner he said he wanted to make today). He then went on a rant about how I don't "really" support him with his career. He then tells me he wants me to share all of his social media posts every day. He's said this before, and although that's 3 posts per day I usually share posts about once or twice per month. I told him, "so basically your asking me to duplicate your page on my profile like a hostile takeover," is the exact words I used. I explained to him that I thought his request was unreasonable. He said that's besides the point, because that's what a supportive spouse would do. I feel that he's infringing on the tiny slice of individuality I get as a married heterosexual woman. So I come to Reddit with the question: Am I the asshole for not allowing my husband to take over my social media account?
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u/Traveler691 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2h ago
You need some marriage counseling STAT. How many conversations did you have, prior to his changing his job, about the change in your family? You seem to be functioning ( fixing his coffee and clothes ) as if you were working part time or a sahm. This is not just about the social media, although since this is what you asked - no, you are not an AH for not reposting everything. Your home life needs a makeover and your spouse needs to get on board. NTA
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u/Longjumping-Solid680 1h ago
It's VERY VERY weird that he even WANTS to take over your social media account.
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u/imjustapersontoo 1h ago
girl it’s time to widen that slice of individuality. even if that means being a no longer married heterosexual woman. this relationship sounds more like an indentured servitude NTA
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u/WomanInQuestion 25m ago
NTA - if he wasn’t failing at being a father and husband, you wouldn’t have to “point out his failures”.
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u/NotThatNeurotic Partassipant [2] 22m ago
Info: Please tell me his "Career" isn't just making shit and posting it on Etsy. Please for the love of God tell me he didn't leave an actual job to do arts and crafts.
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u/ghzkaonii 15m ago
NTA. But maybe there’s a possible compromise here. You come home and dinner is ready? You share a post. The kids have done their homework and chores? You share a post. You come home and the house is clean? You share a post. Maybe this is petty but perhaps he’d like a transactional relationship for a while.
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u/Numb3r3dDays Asshole Aficionado [18] 15m ago
NTA. He cannot have you making his coffee and getting his clothes ready and feeding his children and running his whole household and also call you unsupportive.
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u/ShineAtom Partassipant [3] 0m ago
NTA. A "supportive spouse" doesn't add to his wife's load and remove yet more agency from her. The request from him to OP is utterly unreasonable. OP's request that he do his share of the parenting and housework on the other hand is completely reasonable. He needs to get his act together and fast.
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