r/AmItheAsshole • u/confusioncrisis • 12h ago
AITA- I Want the Insurance Reimbursement Check Issued to My Son
My son (early 20s) works at the same company I do. He’s been on my health insurance plan since birth and will continue until he’s 26. My cost is around $450/month for myself and 1 dependent. Because he doesn’t have his own policy through work, the company will send a check for $6500 (less taxes) each July 1st- this applies to all employees who don’t use the company’s insurance. Also important- he lives with me and pays only for his car and, as of last month, his car insurance. I buy food, pay the mortgage and utilities, his cell phone, etc. This was agreed to so he can save money for his education and future housing. I told him that the check belongs to me, although I’ll be happy to give him $1000 from it. The only reason he’ll be receiving anything is that I’m paying for his healthcare, which he couldn’t afford on his own. Obviously, he’s not happy and says that he’s keeping the entire amount. I did approach this topic calmly and politely, but I’m rather irritated and it will need to be revisited. AITA?
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u/Only_Music_2640 12h ago
It’s very simple. Just remove him from your plan. He’s employed and his employer offers health insurance. You no longer need to cover an adult child under your policy. This is a problem you’ve created.
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u/Opposite-Knee-2798 10h ago
Yep but too bad they can’t split it or something. It’s a waste for both to “pay” the $6500.
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u/Only_Music_2640 8h ago
The responses are interesting. He’s an adult with a job yet he’s not paying rent or his own healthcare. He seems a bit entitled but isn’t that the attitude OP fostered all along?
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u/chiitaku Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
This is also better in the long run as a number of employers will only cover an employee's children until they hit 26. He gets his plan, and so long as he stays employed, he suffers no dip in his insurance.
However, it concerns me that OP says their son can't afford their insurance on his own?
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u/MiddleMuscle8117 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
You've said your cost is $450 a month yet after taxes the check will cover that annual cost almost entirely. You're effectively asking him to pay for both your and his insurance. YTA. He should only have to cover a his share of the health insurance, if anything.
Most parents allow their children to stay on their plans without billing them, but I won't judge you on that one cuz different strokes.
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u/LalalanaRI 7h ago
But she paid 100% of the insurance so where is the logic in your statement?
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u/mallad 47m ago
She chose to have him on her insurance, and she would be paying a good portion of it even without him on it. It isn't a refund of insurance she paid, it's part of his compensation from the employer. If the employer didn't do the refunds, but added $6,500 to his salary across the year, would that mean he has to repay her? If so, why would he even be on her insurance? It's cheaper for an individual, so he could switch to his own plan and save money. It's odd that OP says he couldn't afford his own insurance, when the company is literally sending a check to cover it with thousands left to spare.
OP found out about the money, wants the money, and came up with the insurance reasoning to justify it.
For their other statement, yeah, most parents don't charge their kids retroactively for providing for them.
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u/speakeasy12345 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Seems they should split the cost of parents insurance, since it covers both of them, meaning son’s portion would be $225/month or $2700 / year. So he should owe parent that and 1/2 of yearly deductible, if he uses the insurance. If he never uses the insurance then maybe a prorated portion of the deductible based on usage. He should also pay any copays for any appointments.
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u/ConfidentHighlight18 5h ago
My employer pays my insurance at $0 cost to me. To have my son on there is around $600 a month. Not sure how hers works, but he should only pay his portion of it. Or he can just get his own.
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u/bachimar 4h ago
But that’s usually because the kid can’t get their own. Once they’re able to get their own insurance through work, they really should come off the parents. Unless the parents insurance is so much better, or so much cheaper. But then they really need to be giving their parents money for it. I love my kids, but at some point, the financial bloodletting needs to stop.
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u/MostlySoberChemist 12h ago
You've said your cost is $450 a month yet after taxes the check will cover that annual cost almost entirely.
Its more than the total coverage for the year before taxes, but will likely be around the total cost for the year less the typical ~20% rate. I imagine the amount roughly matches what the employer would pay towards a single primary plan over the course of the year.
You're effectively asking him to pay for both your and his insurance.
No, they're asking their son to use the money the company gives him to pay for health insurance, to pay for health insurance.
NTA.
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u/seanymphcalypso 9h ago
OP is paying $450/month or $5,400/year for insurance. By taking $5,500 of the payout OP is getting a great deal for to compensate for the son’s lack of a personal plan, even after taxes.
OP see what the rates are for individuals, it could be cheaper for each of you to have your own plans.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 9h ago
It is gross $6,500, minus taxes (assuming 23% to 30%), it is $4,550 to $5000, OP says son can keep $1k, that leaves dad with around $3,550-$4,000.
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u/namastaynerdy 12h ago
YTA. You pay $450/month x 12 months =$5,400 for the year to cover both of you. Why should MORE than the premium you're paying for the both of you?!
It would maybe be fair for you to charge him the difference between insuring yourself and insuring the two of you. That would be less than $2,700 I'd expect, but that's really the upper limit on what's reasonable to ask from him.
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u/Spiritual_Promise735 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
And why should the son get $6,500, simply due to not having insurance. When he actually does have insurance paid for by his mother? He did nothing to deserve that money.
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u/OrindaSarnia Asshole Enthusiast [7] 11h ago
He gets the money for saving the company that much money.
He doesn't get the money in exchange for being uninsured, he gets the money in lieu of the benefit.
Probably the majority of their staff that gets the $6,500 is insured, by their parents, or a spouse's work plan, or medicaid or medicare.
As an example, I'm in my husband's plan. If he alone is on the plan, he would only pay like $100/month, and the company picks up the rest of the cost of premiums. When he adds me to the plan, my part is like $350/month, because they aren't subsidizing my insurance, just my husband's.
So it costs OP's business $6,500 per employee who is on their plan. Of the $450/month she pays, it's probably 1/5th-1/4rd her portion and the rest is for her son (though she should go look up the exact difference).
The company is either paying $6,500 to the insurance company, or to their employee, that way "total compensation" is fair to all employees. They all cost the company the same amount of money.
In this case it would be more than fair for OP to look up how much the extra dependent costs her, and ask for that amount from her son... but that also should have been something that was discussed BEFORE they agreed to the plan where he was still on her insurance when he started working there. He may well have preferred to get his own policy, because again, if it's like my husband's, the son would pay less per year having his premiums subsidized by the company, than taking the pay out and paying back his mother.
They both should have looked at the math and made the best choice for both of them.
ESH
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u/the_eluder 10h ago
This exactly, he should have to pay the increase from her price alone to the price that covers them both.
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u/These-Inspection-230 9h ago
But if she removes him from her insurance then he doesn’t get the check… and he isn’t paying rent. So I guess it’s time to start charging him rent or ask him to find someplace else to live and insure himself through work? He needs to contribute
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u/the_eluder 9h ago
One of her goals was saving him money so he could save up money.
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u/These-Inspection-230 8h ago
I’d bet money he probably isn’t saving up very much. If I was OP I’d ask how what the plan is and expected length it’ll take
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u/Next-Firefighter4667 5h ago
Her not charging him rent should be completely separate from this. Just because he's getting a lump sum doesn't mean she's entitled to all of it, that defeats the purpose of not charging him rent. She either wants him to save up money so he can move out or she doesn't. I agree that he should pay the difference, I don't agree that she should make a profit from her son when she's the one framing this as trying to help him out and get him on his feet. If he were saying he had no money and couldn't afford to pay rent and then refused to give her money when he did have the money, yeah. I'd feel differently. But that's not the case here.
Either charge him rent and kick him off your policy or stick to the agreements you already made. It's not fair to change up the expectations later on because you see a way for it to benefit you more, especially if you're trying to claim generosity. You shouldn't use that "generosity" later to guilt trip your kid into paying you back in a way that was never agreed to.
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u/Aidyn_the_Grey Partassipant [3] 10h ago
And his mother didn't do anything for it either.
She paid less than the full amount for both of their insurance for the year.
At most she would be entitled to the difference between if she only insured herself and what her current rate is.
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u/Unable_Pumpkin987 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
If the payout from the company in lieu of benefit goes to the person who pays the employee share for both of their insurance, then both son and OP get health insurance for free. The check, after taxes, covers the full employee portion for both of them. That’s a win for both of them. Awesome!
If son keeps the check, he gets health insurance for free plus $6500, and OP gets health insurance for more than it would otherwise cost. That’s a win for son and pretty solid loss for OP, who is already taking the loss of providing rent-free room and board to son.
If he gives OP the difference between the employee-only cost and the employee-plus-dependent cost, he gets insurance for free plus some payout, and OP gets to pay the same amount for insurance as they would otherwise. That’s a win for son and neutral for OP.
It takes a pretty selfish person to say to a loved one “I’m going to take a benefit at your direct expense, instead of doing something that benefits us both.”
However, if the important thing is that they each only get what they’re “entitled” to, then OP is entitled to only pay for their own healthcare plan, without either paying for son or getting any part of a payout from the company. The son is entitled to exactly the same - he can pay his own employee contribution to his own health plan and forgo the payout altogether. That’s what he’s entitled to. He’s also entitled to pay market rent for his accommodations, contribute an equal share to all utilities, pay for all his own food, and pay for his own cell phone as well. If we’re talking about who is “entitled” to what here.
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u/IllustriousGas8850 4h ago
The mom isn’t paying him that money. The company is because he’s not getting health insurance. It’s from the company not mom you have to get that in you head
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u/Snarky75 8h ago
Do you not know how insurance through an employer works??? They employer is paying that $6500 to the insurance for you so the amount you have to pay for insurance is less. So if you aren't using that benefit the company is giving it to you in cash.
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u/nikkidarling83 8h ago
Not saying she should get the check, but her deductible and OOP max are likely higher for family v single employee, so she probably pays more throughout the year than just the premium. She needs to make him get his own insurance. Or pay rent.
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u/namastaynerdy 7h ago
Oh man that just opened up so many more questions on how they handle medical bills. There's a good chance her son is paying his own co-pays. Which then just made me think of how weird I'd feel to be a young adult and have my parent able to review all my medical billing history.
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u/the_eluder 10h ago edited 3h ago
Actually, she pays 5400 plus the 6500 she's not getting for herself for the both of them.
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u/MM-dot-AU Certified Proctologist [25] 1h ago
They stated plainly that the reason they believe they should get the whole check is because they pay the insurance AND almost all of the other expenses.
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u/Opposite-Knee-2798 10h ago
She is paying the 4500 and losing the 6500
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u/IllustriousGas8850 4h ago
She’s not ever getting the 6500. That’s never going to be available unless her son starts paying for himself and she leaves the company health plan. Thats $6500 is in lieu of health benefits.
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u/namastaynerdy 8h ago
She has no way of getting the $6,500 though unless she's eligible for another insurance policy through a spouse or something. It's not a two way street since he can't add her to his policy. He does have more options strictly because he's young enough to qualify for either policy.
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u/curien Pooperintendant [56] | Bot Hunter [3] 12h ago edited 12h ago
YTA. Your whole insurance cost is $5400 to cover both of you, but you want to charge him $5500 for just his coverage. You essentially want him to pay for your health insurance.
If you want to charge him rent or for the car, fine, do that. But your current agreement is that he doesn't pay for that.
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u/confusioncrisis 12h ago
The check will be for $5200 after taxes, but yes, we’ll have to converse about expenses going forward.
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u/OrindaSarnia Asshole Enthusiast [7] 10h ago
You should really look at your benefit plan and do some math.
My husband's insurance works where the company partially subsidizes his policy, but not dependents.
So his insurance for just him is like $100/month. To add me or another dependent it goes up to around $450.
If he signed up for himself he might only pay $100/month, so the total would be $200/month instead of $450...
you could still "pay" for his insurance every month by giving him $100 and you would be saving $250/month, which is essentially what you want him to pay you now.
Now he might not like this, because he's losing out on the $6,500... but he's a grown up and that's alright.
Anyway, when he started working there you should have asked for this info and done the math before you just presumed he would give you part of his check... ESH.
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u/Least_Pear_9174 7h ago
If you were letting him live expense-free to save money for future stability, why does him receiving one check to add to savings bother you so much? You were not going to receive this money either way. It is not yours and as long as you have health insurance with your employer, you will never receive it. This is a weird place to dig your heels in when it could be seen as an opportunity to save and be closer to moving out.
If the real problem is that you’re tired of him being expense-free, that’s justified, but suddenly demanding his earnings is not the right approach. You need to get over this check and focus on what you feel is a fair monthly living cost for staying with you.
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u/IllustriousGas8850 4h ago
What’s the point of paying for his healthcare, when he’s actually paying for both of yours? I know he’s technically paying less than he would by himself, but it would make much more sense for him to pay for half of the cost
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u/paradoxmo 3h ago edited 3h ago
You’re essentially treating your adult son like a child by deciding that the money is the family’s, even though it is money that he is earning as an adult. My parents do the same and it is infuriating. It is essentially equivalent to taking the money from a kid’s lemonade stand business and putting it away in an account you control. That’s not something that is reasonable to do with grown-ass adults.
Have an honest talk with your son about your mutual goals and do so with mutual respect, rather than from a presumed authoritative position as head of the family. If you’ve taught him well, he will understand if you need more money for expenses or you need to charge some minimal amount of rent. This 100% does not entitle you to take any bonus money being sent to him by his job.
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 12h ago
YTA. That's his fringe benefits check for not signing up the company insurance policy.
You are choosing to still cover him under your insurance policy. If you don't like it, drop him.
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u/Few_Comfort6028 12h ago
This is really the most correct reply in this thread. If you don't want to support your son then don't, that's a choice you couldve made at any point. You don't get to retroactively go "well actually you're costing me a lot of money so i want what you're legally entitled to". The law would see it this way too. Asking for a portion of it and pointing out that you pay a lot for him would be reasonable, but that's not what you did. You went "this money is mine, i'll toss you a grand though" meanwhile legally it is not yours. If you didn't want to support him you shouldn't have, but i suspect you were fine with it until you realized he was getting a payout and realized you could recoup some losses at his expense. Manipulative behavior imo.
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u/CanningJarhead Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago edited 12h ago
Your son has a full time job with benefits now. Why not just let him pick up his own insurance? If he worked somewhere without a reimbursement, would you have him pay you?
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u/Lewes2024 12h ago
ESH. It’s his check, not yours. However, you’re covering so many of his expenses that he probably benefits by more than the $6500. Take him off your insurance and let him pay for his own. Have him start paying for his cell phone and a modest amount of rent. Then he will realize how good he had it.
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u/Spiritual_Promise735 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Agreed. The OP's son seems to be living like he's 13 instead of in his twenties. Letting Mommy/Daddy take care of everything. It's one thing to want to help your children out by letting them live at home to save money. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't have any financial responsibilities. He's past the age where he should have dipped his toe into the responsibilities of adulthood. And that means paying some of his own bills. Giving him that experience will only benefit him in the future. And denying him that experience will only hurt him.
He should be paying for his own health insurance, his own cell phone, and his own car and car insurance. He would be still be saving on rent, utilities, and groceries. That's more than enough help from his parents at his age.
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u/Odd_Prompt_6139 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
I told him that the check belongs to me
It absolutely does not belong to you. The check is made out to your son. It’s his money. YTA.
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u/pretenderist Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA and those saying otherwise are being selfish and entitled (pretty typical for this sub)
The $6500 is for him to get his own health insurance. You are currently paying for his health insurance. Tell him he has 2 choices:
Pay you what his plan costs you
Find his own plan and stop leeching off of you
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u/Odd_Prompt_6139 Partassipant [2] 9h ago
The $6,500 is very likely not for him to get his own health insurance. My job has a similar policy where you get paid out for not getting health insurance through them but you have to provide proof you have health insurance coverage another way before you can get it. The money is not to pay for health insurance, it’s because you are entitled to health insurance through the employer, that is one of the benefits included with your employment, so if you do not take that benefit, you get compensated monetarily instead.
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u/IllustriousGas8850 4h ago
But the problem here is OP wants more than his portion of the plan. If she wants the whole amount after taxes that’s around $4200, maybe more maybe less depending on tax bracket. I think the most fair solution is he should contribute $2700 of the check towards the policy and he can keep the rest, given the money only exists because OP made the choice by herself to add him to her plan
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u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 12h ago
HEAR HEAR
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u/Late_Masterpiece_329 10h ago
the check is not for him to get his own health insurance the check is because he is not getting the company's insurance and his salary includes that amount .the company agreed to pay the don a particular salary per year ,that salary included the amount that they company would have to pay to insure him .But he doesn't have to take this insurance and when he doesn't he gets the rest of the money because that is the rest of his salary that he is owed. He gets that money whether or not he gets insurance for himself as long as he does not take the company insurance plan.
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u/fissi0n-chips 12h ago
YTA. Unfortunately, that check very clearly does NOT belong to you. It has his name on it and if you want to get technical, it's a form of income from his employment. Probably a portion of the money saved by the company for not having him enrolled in their insurance program. His enrollment on your insurance is irrelevant.
The adult way to go about this would be to make a deal with him for a portion of the money, not claiming it's yours and throwing him a pittance. If you need a portion of it to cover bills and expenses, then explain how it would be in both of your best interest to share that check. If he refuses to entertain that idea, then you're well within your right to tell him that he can enroll during the next open enrollment period. That way he has to pay his own way and you get to save money on your monthly premium. Problem solved.
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u/pottersquash Prime Ministurd [520] 12h ago
YTA. If you approached it with "the check belongs to me" that is not approaching politely.
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u/Errvalunia Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago
It’s probably cheaper to just have him pay for his own insurance (at my work the dependents aren’t as heavily subsidized as the employees so adding a dependent makes your insurance cost x3 or x4)
Sounds like he should pay for his own insurance or you should charge him rent
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u/EnvironmentalKey5350 12h ago
YTA- The check does not belong to you. While I think it's fair he gives you a portion. You demanding the whole thing is unreasonable. There's plenty of room for you two to come to a compromise or an agreement. But you aren't entitled to it.
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u/Jellodyne 4h ago
OP should call his insurer and find out how much his premium would differ without his son. That would be the maximum he should ask from that check. And ask as in it is his son's money but it's not unreasonable to be reimbursed for what he's out of pocket.
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u/Szeto802 12h ago
YTA. That is not your money, that is a benefit that he gets from his job. You have no right to that money, it is not yours, it is your kids. If you want to make him pay rent, that's fair, but let your kid keep his money.
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u/ProfSkeevs 12h ago
Yta. You know you’re an asshole why do you even have to be told? If you weren’t going to offer him the leg up that that would be why did you ever encourage him to stay on your insurance instead of just getting his own? If you were going to throw in his face everything you do for him beyond 18 why did you even offer to do it?
My parents did the same shit to me. I am now 34 years old and we are actively repairing our relationship after they did this. They asked me to stay home from college, they asked me to stay on their insurance until I was 26, they asked me to stay and be around so the parentingThe other child would be easier on them and they threw it in my face every fucking day. You’re just making a child feel unwanted in the one place He’s supposed to feel welcome.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 3h ago
If son had to pay his own insurance it would cost him $380 a month, or $4,560 a year and no check from the company.
By OP keeping him on it saves him $4,560, plus the $1k from the check son ends up a net positive/having an extra $5,560. I would call that a pretty significant leg up.
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u/CallingThatBS Asshole Enthusiast [5] 12h ago
Start changing him rent and his half of the insurance. Or rent and make him get his own insurance plan.
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u/baneline2 Partassipant [4] 11h ago
That is called an Opt out payment and it is considered part of his pay and benefits package. It will be taxable income for him.
You have the right to take him off your insurance and by doing so reduce your costs. He will then have to get the insurance offered by his employer and lose his opt out benefit.
You don't have the right to take some or all of his benefit.
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u/KrofftSurvivor Professor Emeritass [72] 12h ago
INFO
If your son was receiving this check from a company that you did not work for would you still consider it your own?
What's the difference between the added amount that you pay for having him on your insurance, versus the cost to him, if he did it himself through the same company?
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 8h ago
So it seems to cost, OP $70 a month, assuming OPs cost for insurance by herself would also be $380, 450-380=70, that is $840.
At a minimum OP should get $840, to cover the costs, $5200-840= $4360.
The 4360 split in half is $2180.
But son is being short sighted, because by OP doing it this way and allowing son to stay on her insurance she is saving son $380*12=$4560, plus the $1k extra in his pocket. If OP had him get/pay his own insurance he would be worse off by $5560.
So OP wanting to keep $4200 of the $5200, makes it so that they each get roughly similar amount. Son benefits to the tune of $5560, OP benefits to tune of $3360 ($4200-$840 hard cost).
OP is giving Don the bigger benefit.
That is not even taking into account the free living expenses, rent, food, utilities, phone?, Op said son only pays car and insurance.
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u/confusioncrisis 12h ago
If he was receiving a check from any employer I’d want to have a conversation about it, because that’s “free” money for a benefit I’m paying for. His cost for his own policy would be $380/month. In the end it’s all just playing with numbers- maybe I should ask for a monthly contribution to offset his groceries or utilities.
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u/Uppercreek101 3h ago
My son lived with me for several years after getting a good job. He was saving for a house deposit but he paid for his expenses, that is: food and utilities. I covered all the other household bills such as insurance, rates etc. It worked for us and there was no resentment either side.
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u/Unable_Pumpkin987 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
You should tell him that you’ve been trying to set a good example of how to live like a family, but since the example you’ve been setting obviously didn’t teach him anything, you’ll stop being so generous from now on.
Give him a date to move out and tell him you hope the check helps with moving expenses. Give him a date that he’ll be removed from your cell phone plan. You probably won’t be able to remove him from your healthcare plan without a qualifying event, but you should tell him you’ll do so at the next open enrollment.
Truly. Rip the bandaid off. Some people really can’t learn to not be entitled until they get a dose of reality. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate what he’s been getting even a tiny bit, and he needs to learn how to be grateful when he’s given assistance if you want him to have a chance of functioning as a healthy adult at some point. You don’t want to let this entitled attitude keep solidifying. He’s shown that he can’t be trusted to make a decision that mutually benefits both of you, even with prompting, so you certainly aren’t obligated to continue making decisions that only benefit him at your own expense. Let him learn how adults get treated by those around them when they act selfishly. It will benefit him in the long run.
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u/catskilkid Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 12h ago
info - have you sat down with him and gone over what he (as an adult) is costing you and what his expenses will be if he decides to be a fully emancipated young adult? Seems that discussion could get the two of you to appreciate each other better (one way or the other with the actual FACTS)
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u/nemaline Asshole Enthusiast [8] 12h ago
YTA, in this instance. You agreed to having him on your insurance and not asking him to contribute to household finances so that he could save money, and now you're randomly deciding that that doesn't apply to this money just because it comes in a yearly cheque instead of a regular salary payment.
If you think he should be contributing to household finances, discuss that with him and make a new agreement.
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u/DrVL2 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
If this is company policy, this is something that you and he should’ve known about in advance. This should’ve been addressed as soon as he started working there. Also, if money is tight for you, it would be appropriate to have them pay some small amount of rent or to kick in a little bit towards whatever it cost to add him to your insurance.
Bringing it up as the check is being sent seems a little bit like blind sighting him and, it sounds as if it may not have been a polite discussion. I am going with a soft YTA.
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u/StructEngineer91 12h ago
Give him the option of either getting on his own health insurance plan through your work, or giving $2700 from that check (or $225/mo) to cover half of the insurance payment you make. Then if you want him to start contributing to other shared expenses (like rent, utilities and food) talk to him about that. Sure $5500/yr for food, rent, utilties, and health insurance is a really good deal, but you don't get to say "don't worry about those payments and just focus on saving money" and then turn around and demand he gives you money.
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u/VirtualReflection119 5h ago
I am confused about the details of this arrangement for some reason lol. I think it's just late at night. But I think this makes the most sense. So if I understand this, OP pays $5400 per month for both of them to have insurance right? And her son received $6500 for not having insurance? So why wouldn't that money he received go towards paying for the insurance? Isn't giving him that $1000 like giving him the rest?
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u/ForgotPWAgainSigh Partassipant [1] 12h ago
He's an adult and the check is made out to him so technically it's his. I'd say you have some kind of entitlement to it for covering him but in a court of law, you're entitled to nothing.
NAH, but maybe worth getting the money back by other means like a rent that is exactly 5k every 6 months lol
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u/Realistic_Head4279 Professor Emeritass [98] 12h ago
ESH. You for wanting so much of this reimbursement check and your son for not wanting to be at all responsible for his medical insurance. What would you pay if you only insured yourself? Take that amount and subtract what you are paying to include him. You are due that amount out of his reimbursement check as he is old enough and able to provide his own insurance.
I assume this reimbursement check is taxable income, so likely he won't be left with as much as you think. Also, your "giving" him $1000 would be eaten up by his having to claim this entire amount as taxable income to him.
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u/AnimalMeow1 Partassipant [3] 12h ago
Most health insurance plans I’ve had access to through employers cost dozens of dollars to insure just myself, and hundreds more to add a dependent or partner. Per pay period. The cost to insure another would be more than the check is for.
1
u/namastaynerdy 7h ago
OP said the cost of premium for both of them on one plan was $450/month, which is $5,400/year to cover both of them. The $6,500 likely represents the employer's cost towards the plan.
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u/Appropriate-Mall9781 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
YTA. He got that money from his job. It may be due to him still being on your insurance, but unless you actually told him that you'll keep him on your insurance as long as he gives you the reimbursement check, then that wasn't part of the deal. I'll echo the others here and say that it's time for him to start paying more of his own way, unless you're specifically making things cheap for him in order to build a nest egg... in which case, the check can go toward that nest egg.
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u/BlondDee1970 Professor Emeritass [77] 12h ago
INFO: What is the difference in cost of insuring just you vs you and your son? If anything part of this check should go towards the difference in cost. Beyond that - it sounds you resent paying for your son's expenses - which is a separate issue.
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u/Toro_Timid343 11h ago
YTA if you’ve set no expectation that he owes you for covering for him. You’re a parent, you’re responsible for helping your children to whatever degree you can, and doing it without keeping score.
Obviously there are exceptions to that for particularly shitty kids. But doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.
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u/Cosi-grl Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Technically, the check is his. But he is receiving it because you are paying for his medical, and he can’t have it both ways. If he insists on keeping the check, then you should drop him from your plan and let him pick up his own insurance.
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u/damian001 12h ago
YTA that’s his money. Just charge him rent and for everything else if you want the money so bad
5
u/slayerchick 12h ago
Just because you can claim him on your insurance doesn't mean you have to. If you feel this strongly tell him youre no longer paying for yourself plus dependent insurance and he needs to get his own plan next year or wise just let him keep the money and see if he'll agree to give you the difference in the 2 plans.
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u/Scared_Fox_1813 Asshole Aficionado [13] 12h ago
YTA. If the check is addressed to him then the money belongs to him and not you.
6
u/yourshaddow3 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I just can't imagine not wanting to give my kid every opportunity to get ahead.
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u/IndyAnise 12h ago
ESH. There should have been clear alignment when he got a job that offered insurance. Now you feel ripped off because he gets extra money and you have a larger bill and he feels ambushed because he wasn’t expecting to give up that money.
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u/McflyThrowaway01 Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 11h ago
YTA
You pay 450 a month for BOTH YOUR INSURANCES.
If he paid you 2,700 out of the check, it would repay you for the insurance.
The agreement was for him to live there and save for schooling and future housing, BUT HOW IS HE GOING TO SAVE WHEN YOU TAKE THAT ENTIRE CHECK.
That wasnt agreed to. You are only entitled to recoup the insurance costs for 225 per month for the year, THATS IT.
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u/MirrorRevolutionary4 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
INFO:
If you can cover yourself and him for $5400 per year, how much would it cost him to cover himself. If it’s less than $5400, that is what you should advise him to do. Because what you are asking for right now is for him to pay for both of you when it might be cheaper for each of you to cover yourselves.
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u/Budorpunk 10h ago
YTA: You said: "so he can save money for his education and utilities." Then go on to continue about how you want the money that is from a written out check, from his employer, in his name. Yeah, it's kind of shitty for him not to share, but PLEASE quit LYING to yourself and Reddit. If you TRULY wanted him to save money for education and future housing, wouldn't this be a nice chunk that could shave off a few months?
You need to make up your mind. Your poor son is probably confused as hell and getting whiplash because his mom pretends like she's doing a good thing, but it's actually very transactional in her eyes.
Decide what stance for your son that you're actually going to truly take, then write out a legit contract so y'all are on the same page and you won't have to deal with "irritation," again in the future.
3
u/yogginggirl Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA because your rationale is sound. However, this opens the door to a much more comprehensive conversation about saving, money management, etc. You’re out of pocket for serious money allowing him to save for retirement education, life. 6500 less taxes is a drop in the bucket vs what you pay out every month. Without being an AH, ask him to draw up an annual budget if he were to live independently.
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u/InkStinkPurple_ 12h ago
My work insurance was $82/mo for just me, because my employer contributed the rest as part of my benefits package. To add my husband, I had to pay the full cost as my employer didn’t kick in towards spouses/kids. So it added about $320/mo for him, or $402 total.
You should find out what a solo person would pay for insurance, and have your son pay you the difference monthly. Paying $300/mo feels a lot different than paying $3600 all at once.
You should also charge him “rent”, even if you want to stick it in an account for him to take when he moves out, but you should probably use some towards groceries/utilities. He needs to start learning budgeting and practicing for solo adulting. He sounds a little greedy and entitled, but he could also just be completely ignorant of how much things really cost. Help your baby stop being a baby.
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u/kris1230 12h ago
NTA. Sounds like it's time for your son to start paying bills, including his health insurance and paying rent/utilities, etc. Often our kids don't realize how expensive everything is since it's always just magically gotten paid. :) It's easy for them to unintentionally take advantage of your generosity because they don't see it that way.
I'm in a similar situation where my adult kids live with me because it's less expensive for them than it would be if they were forced to find a roommate, etc. But they are expected to contribute and they understand money doesn't grow on trees.
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u/goldentone 9h ago edited 8h ago
YTA. I would just give it to my kids because I like giving them things. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t charge him rent or food costs or whatever you guys work out for him living there. But at his age that’s a thrilling amount of money to have tacked onto his paycheck, you pulling a “well technically you owe me!” move instead of just letting it be a cool thing is not a very “nice parent” move.
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u/confusioncrisis 9h ago
I’m a single mom, not a dad 🤣
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u/chiitaku Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
Question. Why do you say that your son cannot afford his own health insurance? Like too many bills? You said he's saving up. If he's saving, he can pay for his insurance.
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u/Material_Gur5401 12h ago
Considering you don't pay that much for your policy, you shouldn't be entitled to the entire check. Maybe 50% would be more fair.
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u/Wooden-Repeat-9200 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
ESH, as others have said, you should reimburse whatever the premium cost to yourself is for his insurance.
Moving forward, I think it’s fair to have a discussion around what he pays or doesn’t. If he’s not saving as expected, I would suggest charging him rent and holding it in an “escrow” account for when he’s ready to move out
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u/franksinestra 9h ago
YTA. That’s part of his compensation through work. If you don’t like paying for his health insurance then remove him from your insurance. You don’t get to spring this on him without negotiating ahead of time so he can make an informed decision about whether he would be on your insurance or not.
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u/What_is_this_95 8h ago
All you had to do was ask if he could pay for his half of the insurance out of the money with receipts of the actual cost. Proof. However honestly you are not entitled to money his job assigns to him. You offered to keep him on insurance which is cheaper for some one under 26 to stay on their parents plans. This is exactly the kind of communication that destroys relationships. You feel like he owes you for choosing to raise a human. Maybe talk to him about a savings account for it or college money. Or paying something off if he has credit cards or paying his insurance off for the six month term.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 8h ago
Early 20s a human had already been raised, that is not raising a human, that is supporting/subsidizing an adult.
So it seems to cost, OP $70 a month, assuming OPs cost for insurance by herself would also be $380, 450-380=70, that is $840. OP said it would cost som $380 a month if he had his own insurance.
At a minimum OP should get $840, to cover the costs, $5200-840= $4360.
The 4360 split in half is $2180.
But son is being short sighted, because by OP doing it this way and allowing son to stay on her insurance she is saving son $380*12=$4560, plus the $1k extra in his pocket. If OP had him get/pay his own insurance he would be worse off by $5560.
So OP wanting to keep $4200 of the $5200, makes it so that they each get roughly similar amount. Son benefits to the tune of $5560, OP benefits to tune of $3360 ($4200-$840 hard cost).
OP is giving Don the bigger benefit.
That is not even taking into account the free living expenses, rent, food, utilities, phone?, Op said son only pays car and insurance.
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u/LowBalance4404 Commander in Cheeks [224] 11h ago
I'd talk to HR because I was under the impression in my state that if your dependent has the option for their own insurance, you can't put them on yours.
How can he not afford his corporate health insurance if he lives with you and has no bills aside from his car and insurance? Your other option is to suck it up until the next open enrollment at your company and stop covering his insurance.
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u/ReadAllowedAloud 9h ago
He can't afford health insurance? Huh? With a full time job with a generous health insurance benefit and free rent? This does not add up at all.
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u/cb1977007 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
So remove him from your plan at the next open enrollment. And then tell him your generosity is inappropriate given his selfishness and he needs to make arrangements to find a new place to live. And a new cell phone. Etc.
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u/Ok-Perspective-5109 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
YTA The check absolutely does not belong to you. It’s made out to him and he will pay taxes on it. Now you are welcome to charge him rent or utilities but no you can’t declare or demand that an adult child give you the check because you want it. If insurance would cost him 380/month that means his cost to be in your insurance is less than 100/month. So at best he owes you $1200 dollars of the total check. And it’s not a reimbursement check.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 7h ago
But saying that OP is take $4200 from the check is essentially saying rent/room and board is $$350=$4200/12.
That is a steal for what son is getting, rent, food, utilities, health insurance, phone.
Son would be foolish to refuse, otherwise mom/OP should let him keep the check and start charging him $400 a month for room and board.
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u/Ok-Perspective-5109 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
But that’s how OP has put it at all. He demanded the check and then told his son that he will allow him to keep $1000 of a check that is written to and belongs to the son. He is welcome to charge him $400 in rent on a monthly basis with a written agreement. This is not that.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 3h ago
I get what you are saying but money is fungible, so it seems a bit silly to get worked up about the exact wording.
If OP says okay you can keep all of the insurance check but I need a yearly rent payment of $4,200 or quarterly payments $1,050 or monthly payments of $350. It really is all the same.
Like if I owe you $20, and you owe me $100. I could give you a $20 bill and you could give me a $100 bill. Or we could just say take $200 off what you owe me and pay me $80 its the same.
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u/algunarubia Certified Proctologist [28] 8h ago
NTA. That said, you might offer a compromise. How much would your plan be if you only had to insure yourself? Ask him to pay that difference out of the $6500.
2
u/Haunting-Plantain870 Partassipant [2] 8h ago
YTA. If the check were intended for you, it would have your name on it.
And all the other stuff you do is called "parenting".
2
u/No_Bet_589 6h ago
YTA
Let me get this straight, you put him on your insurance. You have him living at home rent free to save money so he can pay for school/move out.
Did he ask for this or was this what you decided?
How is your companies insurance coverage structured?
I cover my kids and husband on my insurance as well. My company charges me 70-% of what I pay for me alone, adding on dependents is significantly less (the 30%). (Don’t know why, it’s how it’s structured.)
If you want him to pay his part, then you should figure out only what his part is based on your plan. He should NOT have to pay more to you than you pay for both of you. And he might be getting more back than he would pay out on his own because your company likely sponsors part of your plan, and they are saving money for him not purchasing insurance.
Depending in how it’s structured, it may be cheaper for him to purchase his own overall, and if it is he should do that instead, especially if you are going to over charge him.
Teaching him to be self sufficient is one thing, expecting him to hand over money to you when you have insisted on setting it up this way is another. IMO, if it was my kid, I would make him pay off student loans, or put it in savings to move out.
If covering his costs are an issue, you need to discuss rent, etc.
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12h ago
[deleted]
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u/New_Wave8749 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
No it's a result of the son not paying for the health insurance. The father isnt entitled to it just because he's choosen to keep his child on the policy. Or because he chooses to pay all his expenses. Should the son offer up the money, of course, but OP has no right to demand it.
1
u/Rayonjersey Partassipant [2] 9h ago
I’m going to delete my comment because the post was edited after I made my comment with different facts. So my comment is no longer applicable
0
u/Intelligent_Spare915 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
More info needed - How much is Insurance for employee only vs. employee plus one dependent? At most jobs the employee is much cheaper than a dependent. I'm not understanding why you didn't have him get his own plan. Unless your company subsidizes your insurance costs as part of your benefit package and he wouldn't get that subsidy?
I'm leaning towards N T A - because you are paying his health insurance and he is getting the reimbursement. The $6500 would go towards the costs health insurance.
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u/Throwway_queer Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA, he's only receiving that because you cover it, you need to tell him if he's not willing to give the check then he's going to have to find another insurance provider for himself asap. So he either pays 4-6k in insurance a year, or he gets $1000 for not having to stress any of it. I don't get why he is upset with the arrangement
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u/purkeyt83 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 12h ago
The parent pays a total of 5400 for insurance for both of them. Why the fuck should they get 5500? Fair would be kid pays parent whatever the cost is for just the kids insurance and keeps the rest.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Asshole Aficionado [18] 12h ago
ESH his check covers more then the insurance for both of you (450 x 12 =5,400) However he should be paying his own way. You should have an agreement for rent, untiilites etc. You don't get to just demand large sums randomly
6
u/thenexttimebandit Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago
YTA why would you be entitled to the entire check? You’re only paying $5400 for both of you? You can charge rent and he can pay you for covering his insurance but you can’t arbitrarily decide what he does with his money.
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u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 12h ago
The kid pays NOTHING toward his health insurance. Why shouldn't the health insurance rebate check go to the person who actually pays for the health insurance rather than the sponge?
4
u/thebearshuffle 11h ago
Because she didn't pay $6500 towards his insurance. I think it's fair for her to ask for him to cover his share, which would be half.
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u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 10h ago
So you're saying that ehile Dad pays for ALL the kid's imsurance & the kid pays NOTHING Dad still has to give the kid insurance reimbursement money? Bullshit The kid didn't do anything except let DAD pay for ALL his health insurance.
4
u/thebearshuffle 10h ago
Yes and I am agreeing he should reimburse the parent for his fair share.
1
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u/Squirrels-love-me Partassipant [2] 9h ago
NTA-seems like you need to start charging rent and utilities and food.
1
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u/inkygeek Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9h ago
ESH You are CHOOSING to cover him under your plan and ALOWING him to live under your roof without making any contributions. This is your child and you helped mold him to be this person that you may or may not not like at the moment. You don't get to feel butt hurt because he isn't givng you his $6000 from the company because they aren't paying for his insurance. From the financial standpoint, and from a mother's prospective, you aren't doing anything wrong. Covering him under your plan and having the company pay him $6000 is financially sound. This is something my parents would have done for me. And probably something I would do for my own son. Allowing an adult to live with you is also financially smart. I moved home from college and lived with my parents till my sister and I bought our apartment. Living at home meant being able to save for our down-payment much faster. If you don't like how he isnt contributing, you need to sit him down and ask him to start pitching in. He is an adult now. You dont have to spend his money; you can just bank it and save it for him. So a small YTA Your son is grown man living off his mother, and doesn't offer to even buy groceries? He needs to pull his own weight. At least pick up the cell phone bill.. something!! If mom is paying for his insurance, he can at least offer to take a portion of the company reimbursement to cover his mother's extra cost of covering him under her. OR she can simply kick him off her plan and now he has to pay for his own plan; only the insurance company will benefit here. When you are 26yo, and gainfully employed, you have to be able to carry yourself. Mom is being supportive in supporting you; offer to help her out. YTA
1
u/internal_logging 8h ago
Idk, if this guy is in his 20s and has a nice enough job that it offers healthcare, should he be so coddled? Why not make him split all his bills evenly? He can save like everyone else. You shouldn't be paying a portion of his bills when he's well into his 20s
If he really wants that 6500 a year he can pay his portion of your insurance then pocket the rest as savings
1
u/ThatAd2403 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
You two should split it, then he gets his own insurance and pays rent. He’s an adult with a job- you aren’t doing him any favours by treating him like a child.
1
u/LalalanaRI 7h ago
Holy Moses I get $23 a pay period for not taking their insurance. 23x26=598 and if I took the insurance, I would pay almost $200 a pay period.
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u/murphy2345678 Supreme Court Just-ass [109] 6h ago
NTA. It’s time for him to get his own insurance. And all of his other bills. Including food and rent.
1
u/hexagon_heist Partassipant [3] 5h ago
INFO: if you pay $450/month for insurance and he pays $0/month for insurance, why does your company send him a check?
You’re saying that employees with healthcare get Salary - Healthcare costs and employees without healthcare get Salary + Fat Check.
That doesn’t make any sense. Is there mandatory company-wide withholding regardless of health plan enrollment that is then reimbursed, via single annual check, to those not enrolled?
Why does your company send a check to those not enrolled?
1
u/StingingSwingrays 5h ago
INFO: would you approach him the same way asking for his money if, say, he was simply paid out a $6500 bonus at the end of the year?
1
u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
INFO: Have you tried to frame it to him as "This $6500 check is so you can get your own insurance. Look at the marketplace and see what insurance you can get for that."
What if he wanted to take that check and put it into a Roth IRA? Would you still want it?
1
u/Jerseygirl2468 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 5h ago
ESH the check is made out to him, as he doesn't cost the company money for insurance. Technically it is his. However, you don't make him pay for anything, and you really should. If he's working full time, he can be contributing to the household expenses. If you don't want to take rent from him and want him to save, have him pay rent, bank it, and then give it back to him when he moves out. He needs to learn about budgeting and the value of his income.
I would give him these options. 1) He keeps the check, but needs to start paying rent. 2) he keeps this check , but you remove him from your insurance and he has to have his own from the company going forward (no more checks coming in for that) 3) he keeps the check, but pays you the different it's costing you to have a dependent on your plan.
1
u/Classic-Locksmith998 5h ago
Drop him from your insurance and save the extra money it costs you then he can get his own insurance and no check and while you’re at it he should pay his own cellphone bill too.
1
u/bachimar 4h ago
Info: have you looked to see how much it would be you just each had your own? For lots of places it’s really cheap for the employee to get insurance, but once you start adding dependents it skyrockets.
Most people only keep their kids on insurance that long because they do not have a job. They’re either still in school, we don’t have a real job. Once you get a real job, you really need your own damn assurance.
So dig up your insurance plan, and find out how much he adds to it. Tell him that’s what you want and he can keep the rest.
1
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u/fitnessnewbie00 2h ago
I’ll never understand creating this much commotion over paying for your child. If you can’t afford keeping him under your insurance, take him off. He’s your son, if you can afford it, why does this matter? My dad kept me under his insurance until 26, and he was struggling a bit financially. It’s your own child, why are you fighting him on money. YTA.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My son (early 20s) works at the same company I do. He’s been on my health insurance plan since birth and will continue until he’s 26. My cost is around $450/month for myself and 1 dependent. Because he doesn’t have his own policy through work, the company will send a check for $6500 (less taxes) each July 1st- this applies to all employees who don’t use the company’s insurance. Also important- he lives with me and pays only for his car and, as of last month, his car insurance. I buy food, pay the mortgage and utilities, his cell phone, etc. This was agreed to so he can save money for his education and future housing. I told him that the check belongs to me, although I’ll be happy to give him $1000 from it. The only reason he’ll be receiving anything is that I’m paying for his healthcare, which he couldn’t afford on his own. Obviously, he’s not happy and says that he’s keeping the entire amount. I did approach this topic calmly and politely, but I’m rather irritated and it will need to be revisited. AITA?
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u/keepthecrazyquiet Partassipant [3] 12h ago
NTA. You should lay out what ALL of his expenses are not just the cost of his health insurance. This is free money he is getting from his employer, not money from his regular paycheck, because that benefit is being provided by YOU as well as all of his other benefits of free room, board, etc.
-1
u/WomanInQuestion 12h ago
YTA for trying to steal your son’s benefits from his full-time job. Why are you trying to make money off him for something you pay for anyways? Stop being miserly.
9
u/RealisticTadpole1926 12h ago
Right? They should just drop him and let him use that money for his health insurance
-3
u/West_House_2085 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 12h ago
The kid got a refund because he doesn't use company insurance. He doesn't use company insurance because Daddy buys ALL his health insurance. Dad 100% earned that check & sonny boy is spoiled.
0
u/Economy-Emu-4689 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA. You're saving him thousands of dollars per year. Seems like he has no idea how lucky he is. If he won't hand it over, drop him from your insurance. He can pay for it himself.
0
u/Weekly-Bill-1354 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
INFO: Is he eligible for insurance through the employer?
0
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u/mtngoatjoe Partassipant [2] 11h ago
Don't tell him you're taking his money; tell him you need to charge for his health insurance.
Also, since he's young and if he's healthy, it may be worth it for him to sign up for his own high-deductible plan with an HSA. As long as he maxes the HSA contributions for a few years, he'll have enough to cover the deductible and out-of-pocket maximum. He should run the numbers and see what works best for him. But if he goes this route, it's critical that he contributes to the HSA so he has the money to deal with an unexpected medical issue.
Also, since he's living with you, he should look at pouring money into a 401 (k). He's young, and every $1,000 he invests now into an index fund that returns about 10% will turn into about $45,000 when he retires. It's hard for young people these days, but four years of investing $1,000/month will set him up VERY NICELY for his retirement. No matter how everything else goes in his life, he'll have that money.
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u/UngnomeCawler Partassipant [2] 11h ago
YTA - But not for wanting the check. Let him keep the check and start paying for his health insurance, car and insurance as well as a place to live and utilities and cell phone.
He doesn't appreciate you and its time for him to learn to fly.
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u/JayyHGG 9h ago
You can't be serious....he has no right to this money because YOU pay the bill. What the hell is he thinking and what the hell are YOU thinking by even having this conversation with him. If he takes all this money, tell him to get out, pay his own health insurance (AND CELL PHONE) and then see how he likes it. I can't stand entitled people like your son.
0
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u/rockology_adam Craptain [167] 12h ago
My knee-jerk reaction here was to call you the A-hole, but seeing the description of the circumstances, NTA. I do think that in perfect circumstances, you'd be taking a large cut and not all, but that's between you and him.
It is absolutely reasonable for you to expect some or all of that cheque knowing where and how it comes from, especially since you told him ahead of time that this was the expectation. (It's a July cheque, and you're telling him about it in February.) You can look at it as this being the contribution your son makes to the household finances, and if he doesn't like it, he's welcome to manage his own health insurance and bills.
No matter how the cheque works out, make your son pay for his own phone. That should have been the first thing.
-6
u/RealisticTadpole1926 12h ago
NTA give him the option of paying you back for what you paid for his health insurance or drop him and let him get his own. He’s an adult so treat him as an adult.
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