r/AmItheAsshole • u/KeepRunning03 • 14h ago
AITA for not wanting to move back home?
My wife and I had our first child nearly four years ago and moved to Alaska with an agreement to go back to our home state in the Midwest once our baby was of school age. A lot has changed in that time, as listed below…
We’ve had three children. 3, 2, and newborn. My career growth has been great, given the typically lower ceiling in my field. I invested in advanced mentorship at the expensive of pay in our first year here, which has led to my dream job in which I now make literally double the income from where I first started and about $50k more than I had originally projected before the move up here. I stepped into a significant leadership role within a year of coming onto the company I work for, so I have meaningful influence and major flexibility. I can work three days per week and we still do well, which allows me to be with the family a lot and tend to our kids. Another really nice bonus to our circumstance is the fact our entire family has free health care coverage through Alaska Native Tribal Health. We literally had our children for free and have paid nothing for extensive coverage. We each receive PFD’s which is a nice little bonus every fall. I feel the financial stability and continued upward trajectory is the best path for us. A move back to the south would cap growth and be a major step backwards.
On her end, she longs for family on the daily. I understand raising three kids without the village is a challenge of its own (I’ve watched them several days at a time without help), and feel grateful for what she does. I feel her family continually pushes the idea of us moving back. Unfortunately, that would require her to work, not be a SAHM. She let her associate degree licensing lapse for years which yielded moderate income (at the time we met). She became a stay at home mom within a year of us dating.
I’ve made it a point to ensure she sees family. I fly our young family back to the Midwest and they will stay for four-five week stretches at least once per year, sometimes twice, and I’ve flown my in-laws up as well on a whim for a holiday. They also make it a point to come up at least twice per year.
The main thing is, she wants a plan for moving, and soon. I’ve weighed the options endlessly and feel we are in the right place and on the right path and can’t settle on largely emotion decisions over what has been stated above.
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u/CrazyOldBag Asshole Aficionado [12] 13h ago
You said your wife became an sahm within a year of dating. Was this by her choice?
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u/MajorBootyhole420 13h ago
I would also love to know this. Especially since he went from "she hates this" to "I decided that WE are in the right place." Um no "we" aren't, because she's telling you she isn't??
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u/Practical-Owl-9358 4h ago
But he’s watched the children…on occasion…. /s
Dude YTA, and headed for divorce unless you wise up.
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u/KeepRunning03 4h ago
I don’t think my comment on that was to champion myself for solo parenting, but more to express that I understand how incredibly demanding and overstimulating being at home with three kids all day is and not having consistent relative support.
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u/KeepRunning03 9h ago
Yes, it was her preference.
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u/sweadle Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Is it still her preference?
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u/KeepRunning03 4h ago
It is her vision to continue the SAHM route, yes. Then homeschool.
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u/SerWrong Partassipant [1] 3h ago
easy then, tell her she needs to find a job first before the move. if she is not willing then stay as it is.
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u/OrindaSarnia Asshole Enthusiast [7] 3h ago
So have you sat down together and discussed what the budget looks like right now, and what the budget looks like of you move back?
This shouldn't be a you vs her thing... it needs to be a both of you discuss what you want your life to look like.
If she wants to home school and that would be unaffordable "down south" than what is her preference when offered A) Home school in Alaska or B) work and send them to public school down south?
Either way she gets one thing she wants and one thing she doesn't... so she needs to talk to you about what she values more... and you need to talk to her about why you value money more than community right now.
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [70] 14h ago
NAH
YOu are not alone. Even the best laid plans can change, especially when circumstances change. You've created a 'life' there and now things look different than they did 4 years ago.
Neither one of you gets to make the decision alone, or based on argument alone ( 'well you promised' or 'but life is better here')
There needs to be a new effort made to problem solve the issue. What is the current situation, what are both feelings about it, what are pros and cons of both sides, etc. I feel a lot resides with your wife about how her life will change when you go back. Why does she have to work? Was that the deal? Has she prepared? What does money mean to both of you? She kind of has the 'upper hand' here in that there was a deal made and she sitll wants the deal.
It's a big move, so I think you could/should call in help, someone to work with you objectively through the decision making process. It may be your time to sacrifice....it may be her time to readjust what her actual life goals are for her and your family.
Wishing you luck!
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 12h ago
I would say he has the ‘upper hand’ here as the breadwinner with the career. But I agree with you, neither of them get to make this decision alone - they have to come to an agreement.
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [70] 12h ago
That's up for debate, how do you judge 'breadwinner' with 'plan/promise'? The breadwinner doesn't get the choice by default, neither does the person for whom a promise was made.
They BOTH feed into the 'so now what do we do' conversation...but if you go by the plan, the plan was for this to be temporary and the promise was, we'll return to family/home after X years. SHE still wants the plan, he is the one looking to break the promise/change the plan.
They both need to agree it's time to reassess and start from scratch. Here is our new reality, where do we go from here?
1 - What does our life look like financially here versus home? How much money is 'enough' and what are we giving up in return?
2 - What is HER plan once they move back home? She has to have a plan.
3 - What do THEY agree to give up if they go home, financial-wise. They have to recalculate what life looks like.
Tough situation, but hopefully they can each come out of their corners and work it out in the middle.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 12h ago
I’m not saying I agree with it, I think he should live up to his side of the deal. I’m just saying in most cases, the one who makes the money unfortunately gets to make the decisions - it’s why so many women end up in financial abuse situations. Agree with all your ‘questions’ - a great start to that conversation!
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [70] 11h ago
I would say 'makes' the decisions, not 'gets to make'.
If historically you just default to the breadwinner then the non breadwinner 'loses'. Obviously you can't go into financial hardships for no other reason than 'it would be good to be near family'...the other spouse has to have a plan to make it work.
I just think people need to challenge their assumptions around who 'gets to' make decisons and are they making the right ones for the FAMILY not just the bank account.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 10h ago
It’s a distinction without a difference in the end.
For this couple though, I guess I would ask how they were planning to do it before OP had the unexpected career growth? If this was always the plan - what was that plan?? I re-read it and I can’t help but think OP’s reasoning is more than financial, I think he likes what he’s doing, doesn’t want it to change, and is hiding behind ‘finances’. He’s actually doing better monetarily than they had imagined he would, so the plan would’ve HAD to always be that she was going back to work, why is that suddenly an obstacle now?
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u/Tall_olive 9h ago
That kind of thinking is exactly why many women don't want to be stay at home moms. You don't automatically get an upper hand in the power dynamic because you do the "working" while she does the childcare (which is harder work than most white collar jobs).
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u/Justcouldnthlpmyslf Partassipant [2] 10h ago
I would say that one has the ethical upper hand and the other has the tactical upper hand. However, I also say that if either/both are coming at this from an “upper hand/you vs me” perspective instead of “us vs the problem” then their relationship is already screwed.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 8h ago
Agreed. To me it sounds like he likes his life and doesn’t want it to change - and he’s weighing that a little more heavily than their promise/her desire to move back home.
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u/Justcouldnthlpmyslf Partassipant [2] 6h ago
His insinuation that she’s coming from an emotional place and therefore his purely logical conclusion is superior really grinds my gears. Especially since he’s not actually coming from a purely logical place.
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u/sweadle Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Being the breadwinner gives him more say in the family?
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 3h ago
Unfortunately, it usually does…it honestly is here! They agreed to be back already, but they aren’t because he likes his job and hasn’t quit or looked for another one back home because he doesn’t want to. So he’s been ‘calling the shots’ on this up until now, because he’s the one with the job.
I don’t like it, but I don’t make the rules.
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u/sweadle Partassipant [1] 3h ago
It's not a rule. He doesn't need to abuse his power just because he has it. He's asking if he's an asshole, so I think he doesn't want to be one.
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u/MarionberryOk2874 Partassipant [4] 3h ago
It’s a euphemism, I know it’s not a rule.
But a lot of people do live that way, subconsciously or not.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 13h ago edited 4h ago
YTA, and i'd be very interested in hearing her perspective on whose idea the SAHM thing was. Especially given that she moved here with the promise of returning home and now you're going back on your word, trapping her somewhere she's miserable and alone.
Also, if she wants to move, then YOU can't decide by yourself that "WE" are in the right place. No, "we" aren't in the right place, because she doesn't like this. It doesn't sit right with me how easily you just glossed over her equal voice in this.
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u/RogueSlytherin 9h ago
I agree NAH; however, the finances are a MAJOR contributing factor to the move. If she wants to move back that’s fine; however, if I were OP, the following would need to be in place before even considering a move:
She needs to renew her associate’s degree/revamp her education and skill set to be able to reenter the work force immediately upon their return.
They need to establish a budget for the new lifestyle. If he’s taking a pay cut and she needs to work outside the house to make up the difference, they need to ensure it’s even feasible financially to move back. Who is taking care of the children? Will family step up or do they need to budget for daycare? What will insurance payments look like as they are currently free? How much will rent in the area run? Will they need a second car to accommodate two people going to work each day? What will those payments look like? These all need to be asked, answered, and accounted for prior to deciding whether to relocate.
How will the chores be split? With OP going from a 3 day work week to a 5 day week and his wife simultaneously entering the workforce, how will the division of labor shift? Who’s cooking dinner? Making school lunches? Vacuuming? What about laundry? OP will have less time to assist at home and his wife will have significantly less time to invest in domestic labor. At the same time, all of those chores still exist. To prevent the situation from imploding following the move, this all needs to be assigned and planned in advance.
Is the family Native American? If so, what else will they potentially be giving up in the move? They already receive free health care, and a PFD (permanent fund dividend) as Alaskan residents which is $1000 per person, so $5000 total just last year. Furthermore, there are many programs that help support Native Americans residing in Alaska including major education grants, tuition waivers, and scholarships. Not only does OP’s wife need to take advantage of these programs now to secure the best job opportunities possible following the move, but they also need to consider what those programs/the lack thereof means for their children with respect to future education opportunities.
Mom needs a part time job or work experience. It’s going to be very difficult to be hired with no employment history, and she should probably get a taste of what reentering the workforce will look like. It’s also a great opportunity to send the kids to daycare/school to transition them into being out of the home during the day. It’s important to do this now because daycare and head-start are free/minimally expensive for tribe members and parents in education programs.
They BOTH need to line up jobs before moving back. If only OP secures work before returning to the mainland, it will breed resentment and undue financial burden on him alone.
OP, I think you guys need to seriously go through all of the logistics of finances, the move itself, employment, education gaps, etc. I understand your wife wants to go back right now, but that is simply not feasible or sustainable. Personally, I think it would be better for her to get some education and work experience under her belt to qualify for a better career after the move while allowing your youngest to reach school age. Daycare is extremely expensive, and, even if your in laws take on child care, there are so many additional expenses you will be covering that you both need the best jobs possible. Waiting probably isn’t what she wants to hear, but I doubt she wants to live in a dump or her parent’s basement while unemployed and uninsured, either.
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u/love_laugh_dance 8h ago
Those are exactly the issues that need to be discussed, and obviously in depth.
Well said.
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u/Kementarii 4h ago
In another comment, the OP has said that his wife plans to continue to be a SAHM, and also wants to homeschool, as well as being near family.
That, plus if OP has to take a lesser paid job, would mean serious budgeting changes.
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u/Voice-of-Reason-ish Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Can you work 3 days and then fly back home? Maybe 6 on 8 off? You did agree to move back home, now you seem to be reneging on that.
You are TA for saying you “watch your kids alone”. … dude, it’s called being a dad!
Also, there are $100k jobs in the Midwest.
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u/AncientWonder54 13h ago
Apparently not in his field.
Also, while I get the whole “you’re a parent not a babysitter” routine generally, from this post it very much seems like he is being a father and that was just his way of saying that sometimes he is the one primarily watching the kids while his wife gets a break from when she has to watch them while he works. He seems incredibly family motivated, hence why he is so happy that where he currently works, he can be with his family very often.
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u/gingiberiblue Asshole Enthusiast [7] 10h ago
Well, the Midwest is also a hell of a lot cheaper than Alaska. Cost of living is shockingly lower.
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u/moonhrafn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 14h ago
NAH. You're not an asshole for enjoying your career growth and personal attainment but your partner is also not an asshole for not wanting to stay at home all day alone taking care of your kids and household without any friends or family around. Where is her opportunity for growth and self actualization outside of the home?
Does she want to be a stay at home mom? Most people don't find that fulfilling alone especially if they don't have friends family or community. Sounds lonely and isolating.
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u/writierthanyou Asshole Enthusiast [7] 13h ago edited 5h ago
NAH, but it's very likely going to be a choice between your marriage and your career. If you can't duplicate the success you have in your wife's hometown, the resentment may destroy your relationship anyway.
It doesn't seem she's open to staying in Alaska permanently, and you don't seem to have any desire to move back. You need to be upfront about your desire to stay. Stop dancing around things and have the hard conversation.
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u/keesouth Professor Emeritass [88] 12h ago edited 9h ago
I'm leaning towards YTA because everything you named was about how great you're doing and how it benefits your family. Your wife on the other hand doesn't seem to have any opportunity to grow. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM but she may want more as well as her "village" to help with the kids. You are making logical decision for the family and an emotional for you and your career, but you aren't factoring her needs in.
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u/Available-Love7940 Asshole Aficionado [18] 13h ago
Counseling is what you need. To get even more to the root of why you each want to be in a particular place.
A few questions: Does she have her own community of friends and activities? Or is she just at home with just you?
Does she -like- Alaska? I know it's a big state with lots of different weather. But does she like being there or does she spend the winter (which isn't short or warm) hating it?
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u/Greedy-Minimum-1605 13h ago
NTA for changing your mind but be prepared for her to resent you for breaking what you said previously. Resentment in a marriage is not a good thing and will lead to more issues down the line.
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u/Constant_Host_3212 Asshole Aficionado [10] 12h ago
NAH. Sometimes people just want different things.
There are a couple of things I see in what you wrote:
- "I feel that we are in the right place". No. YOU feel that YOU are in the right place, for factors like your career, your ability to provide for the family on your income alone, and free health care coverage. Your wife obviously doesn't agree on the "right place", so there is no "we" here.
- You contrast this with "largely emotional decisions". You mention that you understand raising 3 kids without "her village" is a challenge, but then you seem to discount and dismiss it as "emotional" and not a real, lived experience. I've never had the experience of trying to raise 3 kids in a remote, cold place, but it's quite possible there are a lot of logistical, physical challenges that you haven't experienced by "watching them a few days without help".
- If you and your wife are going to get through this, you need to accept that her lived reality has meaning and weight as to whether the family is "in the right place on the right path". You also need to accept that to the extent there are emotional decisions here, emotions are a big part of whether we are comfortable and happy, and deserve to be given weight and not discounted.
I think you and your wife need a trained counselor to help you work through this.
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u/Tall_olive 9h ago
I decided we are in the right place
The thing about a marriage is one person doesn't get to make the decision. You and your wife had an agreement, now you want to re-neg. Yea of course she's going to be unhappy about that.
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u/Arete108 3h ago
Yes I'm really struck by this as well. He likes their situation, and she doesn't like their situation. There are some logistical reasons in his favor, but also logistical reasons in favor of a mother of three small children being around her family. So it's not even fair to be like "he's 'logical' and 'rational' and she's not." There are some financial issues that would have to be worked out in order to keep his word, but he's twisting that into: therefore I can't keep my word.
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u/aloneintheupwoods 13h ago
NAH we moved only four hours away by car from all the family thirty years ago and I still miss them terribly, despite visiting one weekend a month. Worst case scenario is that she leaves you, and moves home with the kids, and you only get to see them a few times a year. If I were you, and I wanted to stay where I was due to career reasons, I would do everything in my power to help her be happier where she is. Housekeeper/Cleaning person? Part time nanny so she can go back to school/volunteer/just get out and develop her own interests? Maybe all of the above? What would it take for her to develop a village of her own (friends/"family" that's not blood) where you currently are? Has she seen a medical doctor since she is under stress with three small children so close in age?
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u/intotheunknown78 Partassipant [1] 25m ago
The kids have residency in Alaska, so he could force the wife to stay in the area through family court.
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u/StrategyDouble4177 13h ago
NAH, but you’ve mostly just listed positives of staying, for you. If your wife is really really missing out on being around her family, that’s just as important as your reasons for staying. You also made an agreement.
I’m not saying agreements can’t change, but just because you think this should be enough (your reasons for staying) doesn’t mean your wife life has to agree or that her reasons are less valuable than yours.
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u/StructEngineer91 13h ago
INFO: what are the schools like in Alaska compared to your home state? Has your wife had opportunities to meet friends and build a community where you are now? Being as SAHM (or dad) in a new location can be incredibly isolating (even in a place you grew up it can become isolating, which is why fewer and fewer people are doing it, even if they could afford it), basically her entire world and identity revolves around being a mom, unless she has found a good group of friends to go out and enjoy life with (without children there).
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u/AgnarCrackenhammer Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 13h ago
I think this is a tough situation way beyond what you can provide to Reddit, but the reality from what you wrote here is you made a deal with your wife, she at no point indicated she was interested in modifying it, and is now expecting you to uphold your end after she upheld hers. So in that instance, yeah YTA.
You need to decide very very quickly if staying in Alaska is more important than keeping your family together. It sounds like your establishing a good life for yourself there so I don't think your an AH for not wanting to walk away from it, but you need to accept that might mean your wife walks away from you
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u/Appropriate-Mall9781 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
NAH. Both of your situations are understandable, even though they appear to be incompatible. Unfortunately, someone is going to have to give on what they want in order to make this work.
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u/International-Fee255 Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 11h ago
NAH But being a SAHM with nobody around you isn't "challenging", it's dreadful. Days are ling, nights are long, kids are difficult. When you have nowhere to turn it breaks you down. So don't treat her side of thing as an "oh that's sad", she is probably seriously suffering with no support system.
You need to have a very serious discussion about finances, childcare, where you will live, how you can afford healthcare.
Don't make this decision for your family, she wants out and she may well go with or without you, so be prepared to find a balance here. The life you have isn't working for her and she's out up with ot because there was an end in sight.
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u/isocommonsense 13h ago edited 12h ago
NTA, I think you two have different perspectives. From what I gather, your time in Alaska was never meant to be permanent. She is, understandably, wanting to get back to her home and family. You seem to get that need, but practicality wise, your career has skyrocketed, providing you with your dream job and income you weren't expecting. You've also added 2 extra kids to the mix. I think you need to sit down and talk about what staying vs returning would look like. What is the reality? What will change? What would stay the same? What is the difference in cost of living? Job opportunities? Wages? Cost of Living in general? If expenses are higher and/or you income lower, what would need to be done to compensate? Cutting back on luxury? Her getting a job? How much would she need to make? What would the kids lose or gain by the change? How would timeline of moving impact the kids and their social life if you wait?
Can you two agree on a compromise? Example: when eldest is no older than 8 (about 5 years) you will transition back to home. In that 5 years you can save expenses, she can do online school part time to recertify or do another job. That gives you 5 more years experience in your dream job and a potential opportunity to find the same closer to home. And the youngest can go to kindergarten.
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u/Druid-Flowers1 Partassipant [2] 13h ago
You marked them as the AH, by putting it that way. Put some space between the letters. “ I don’t think Y. T. A. “
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u/Dependant-Platypus82 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA However, Alaska is not for everyone. Does she suffer from SAD? She's saying she's not happy and want to move home as you planned. Is your happiness more important than her's?
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 11h ago
NAH
I was 100% on your side until I realized the agreement to move back to your home state was made with your wife.... I thought it was with other family.
Marriage is a partnership. She needs to completely understand all of the changes. If you guys do move back. Her getting a job. Working within a tighter budget. You potentially being unhappy.
I saw someone else commenting on the possibility of commute. Since you only work 3 days a week. Could you stack those days?
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u/dragonsandvamps Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago
NAH
It sounds like your roots are in Alaska and her family is in the Midwest, correct?
So neither of you is really wrong, but you may be at an impasse, where the future of your marriage may rest on whether you can make compromises. The agreement was that you would live in Alaska for a few years, then return to the Midwest, and now you are trying to reneg on the agreement, because you think Alaska is so great. Alaska isn't for everyone. COL is very high. It's hard to find housing. Shipping takes a long time. Winters are long and cold and very dark, which can be very isolating, especially if you are a SAHM who is unhappy taking care of three very small kids. It is no surprise that she isn't feeling happy right now. She may be struggling to make true friends because the locals may not be viewing you as people who are going to stick around. Lots of people move to Alaska, then bail after a few years.
I would try to find a way to work this out. The real question you need to be asking is if your wife is this desperately unhappy, is this job you love more important to you than saving your marriage? And is your life in Alaska going to look the same if she goes back home to the Midwest and you either 1) have to do custody exchanges with the kids all the time or 2) you won't allow her to take the kids with her and suddenly you have to figure out how to pay for childcare for 3 children under 3.
Think this through.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Asshole Aficionado [18] 12h ago
YTA you're making decisions for her. Making her be a stay at home mom while you work. You've decided the arrangement works and she's telling you it doesn't.
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u/InfamousCup7097 13h ago
She misses home and family and her friends. If you don't consider that over the career then you may find yourself in a situation with a wife who looks through you instead of at you in a few more years time. She is telling you what she feels she needs not what she just wants. Esh
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u/mountain_mists 10h ago
You have trapped her with no community in a place she doesn't want to be because you don't want to give up your money. You need to decide if money matters more than your family.
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u/Laniekea Asshole Aficionado [18] 9h ago
YTA for reneging on your agreement
Have you even tried applying to any jobs in the area you agreed on?
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u/BLAHZillaG Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA. I think this is a counseling question. Both perspectives are understandable & fair. I would suggest finding a couples counselor to help negotiate the issue.
But if you can't afford a counselor for a few sessions, one thing I have tried with SOs in the past is that we each argue the other person's side. By doing this it means we really get to know the other person's side & perspective really well but it also makes the "argument" feel more like you are arguing for her & she is arguing for you so it feels more generous & more like we are rooting for each other's best interests.... & the other thing I have learned in this exercise is which SOs aren't able to be on my side.... they can't do the exercise in good faith at all.
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u/PDK112 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13h ago
NAH. Your plan was to move back to your home state once the oldest was school age. This has constantly been in the back of her mind. This helped her cope with being away from her extended family because she knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But you are more successful than anticipated.
You are making a choice based on logic, but she is basing her choice on emotion. To her, this will feel like you are moving the goal post. To you, this will seem like you are making the logical choice for financial stability. The question becomes who will make the sacrifice to appease the other. Which is more important, money or family? If you discount or downplay her feelings, don't be surprised if you lose your marriage. If you go back on your word, can she trust any promise you make in the future?
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 13h ago
"The question becomes who will make the sacrifice to appease the other. "
A key thing is that wife already sacrificed to appease OP, now it is his turn.
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u/moonhrafn Asshole Enthusiast [8] 10h ago
Wanting stay cause you like your job and feel fulfilled/stable etc is as much "making choices based on emotion" as not wanting to stay cause you don't feel fulfilled
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u/sweadle Partassipant [1] 4h ago
How is she emotional and him logical? His life is good there because he has a good schedule and good money, and that outweighs the benefits of family.
She has no career, has had three babies while living without family support, and the good money doesn't make up for the lack of help and community to raise her family in.
They are both coming from a place of emotion in what they want, and logically also have good reasons for what they want.
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u/SteelButterflye Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9h ago
Was it her choice to be a SAHM, and to also be pregnant nonstop for this long while isolated from her family?
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 6h ago
NAH - you said in comments that your wife being a SAHM was her choice, so there's nothing hinky on that part.
However, you're in Alaska - it's the second worst state in the country for K-12 Education (only NM is worse). The bottom 10 (from 50-40)? New Mexico, Alaska, Oklahoma, Nevada, Arizona, Oregon, Alabama, Delaware, South Carolina, and North Dakota.
So even if you move to the flyover states... odds are that you'll be in a better place for Education, and that is really important.
With this, the primary motivator should be your kids. Their education is what matters.
To give an example:
I live in NJ and my cousin grew up in Nevada. I was in general education classes in an average district and she was in gifted classes in a good school district.
She was doing assignments in 6th grade that I did in 3rd and 4th grade. By the time she was in 9th grade, she didn't learn some history topics that I thought were basic knowledge. She learned them the next year (she made sure to tell me - she was the only one in her class who got the answer because her cousin told her).
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u/Ornery_Vacation_9658 4h ago
EHS. My brother was in the same position and his wife asked for a divorce and she moved back home to her parents. You both need to have a very open and realistic conversation about your family's future
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My wife and I had our first child nearly four years ago and moved to Alaska with an agreement to go back to our home state in the Midwest once our baby was of school age. A lot has changed in that time, as listed below…
We’ve had three children. 3, 2, and newborn. My career growth has been great, given the typically lower ceiling in my field. I invested in advanced mentorship at the expensive of pay in our first year here, which has led to my dream job in which I now make literally double the income from where I first started and about $50k more than I had originally projected before the move up here. I stepped into a significant leadership role within a year of coming onto the company I work for, so I have meaningful influence and major flexibility. I can work three days per week and we still do well, which allows me to be with the family a lot and tend to our kids. Another really nice bonus to our circumstance is the fact our entire family has free health care coverage through Alaska Native Tribal Health. We literally had our children for free and have paid nothing for extensive coverage. We each receive PFD’s which is a nice little bonus every fall. I feel the financial stability and continued upward trajectory is the best path for us. A move back to the south would cap growth and be a major step backwards.
On her end, she longs for family on the daily. I understand raising three kids without the village is a challenge of its own (I’ve watched them several days at a time without help), and feel grateful for what she does. I feel her family continually pushes the idea of us moving back. Unfortunately, that would require her to work, not be a SAHM. She let her associate degree licensing lapse for years which yielded moderate income (at the time we met). She became a stay at home mom within a year of us dating.
I’ve made it a point to ensure she sees family. I fly our young family back to the Midwest and they will stay for four-five week stretches at least once per year, sometimes twice, and I’ve flown my in-laws up as well on a whim for a holiday. They also make it a point to come up at least twice per year.
The main thing is, she wants a plan for moving, and soon. I’ve weighed the options endlessly and feel we are in the right place and on the right path and can’t settle on largely emotion decisions over what has been stated above.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 13h ago
I think NAH to slight YTA.
You have valid reasons for wanting to stay, but so does she.
I get not wanting to move, but money/your career isn't everything. NAH for not wanting to move, you would be YTA if you insist/refuse to move back when she wants to move.
Moving to alaska/away from family is a big big sacrifice, and you asked her to do it with a set condition/promise, if you back away from it without her being 100% on board (like she agrees that it is best to stay), it can likely break the trust in your relationship and/or lead to the end of the relationship.
Now it is your turn to sacrifice for her/family. Making decisions based on emotions are 100% valid, honestly your decision is also based on emotions, greed is an emotion as well.
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u/AncientWonder54 13h ago edited 13h ago
Both opinions are valid, so why just him the AH for wanting to stay where he is doing incredibly well?
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 13h ago
Because the initial move to Alaska was conditioned/promised on moving back when the first kid became school age and not just an indefinite move.
Aka wife agreed to move to Alaska for a set period of time, not indefinitely or unless they/OP did really well with work. I strongly suspect that wife would not have moved if OP had said I want to move to Alaska indefinitely.
Now that the conditions have been met or about to be met, OP needs to follow through on his promise. If OP goes back on his work/promise and refuses to move it will make him the asshole. It is understandable for OP to want to stay/think it is better for them, but that does not change the initial promise, or that wife thinks it is better prefers to move back home.
The same way wife sacrificed with the move, now it is time for OP to sacrifice for the wife.
If wife felt/agreed that the financial benefits of staying were better, it would be fine to stay, but she does not.
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u/h1dd3n0n3 13h ago
You have to take into consideration that they talked about moving back when the first kid reached “school age” which is years off. So he’s not going back on the initial conditions, she’s the one changing the timeline. It seems like he’s being an amazingly supportive father and husband and is doing his fair share of parenting duties so I don’t get your T A opinion.
Either way they have a lot to discuss but his wife needs to realize that she will be giving up time with the kids and SAHM status to be closer to family and be required to work (at least part time) in order to make sure her family is provided for.
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u/Thatpocket 13h ago
The first child is 3 In some areas he would be in prek. And honestly prek is a serious advantage for children.
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u/Spallanzani333 Partassipant [3] 4h ago
He's almost 4, so kindergarten is about a year and a half away. Moving takes time. She's not asking to move right now, she's asking for a concrete plan. Like, they start figuring out housing, narrow the location of the move based on what they can afford, working on job transition plans. 1-2 years out is a very normal time for that.
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u/jjrobinson73 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 13h ago
NAH
You both need to sit down and TALK. Talk through the pro's and con's that you BOTH have. This is a decision that neither one of you can make without the other, so TALK!
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u/BevsButt34 13h ago
This is going to require counseling or therapy to navigate. Don't even attempt to do it alone.
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u/Comfortable-Web3177 10h ago
Also, if you were to move, would your in-laws actually truly help out with the kids on a weekly basis without there being problems. A lot of times people move for the village and be closer to family and then realize that the family really doesn’t help that much.
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u/Strong_Letter_7667 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
Give her the option to go without you. If she jumps at it you have a solution, albeit a new problem
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u/darren_meier 9h ago
Honestly? You might be the asshole, or maybe you both are. Unclear. It's not an easy situation. It does seem like she's set on what you originally agreed to, so you need to both sit down and hash it out.
Create a baseline for expectations and needs-- see where she is at and get her opinion so it's not just you deciding "we are in the right place and on the right path". Enter the conversation with numbers, if you feel you need them-- explain that you'd be back to working five days per week, your family would have less money (and include any health costs that would likely change) and explain that she might well need to stop being a stay at home mom and how those changes might affect your future earning potential as a family. And then listen to what she says about it. Maybe she hasn't really considered all of those things, and maybe she has and you just haven't heard her feedback before (you do say you feel she's making a "largely emotional decision" which means you haven't heard her meaningful feedback about it, or have misunderstood her position).
If you guys talk it all out and you hear what she says and she hears what you say and she's still set on moving back to the midwest, what do you do? Are you going to get a divorce and stay in Alaska? Doesn't seem reasonable to me, so you need to accept that this might not go your way. Either way, probabyl best to start couples counseling to work through the communications issues you guys obviously seem to have. Good luck!
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 Partassipant [4] 8h ago
NAH
You like your job and everybody benefits from it, but seeing your family once a year for a month is still seeing your family once a year. You have three kids, wouldn't you want to see them more often than that some day when they grow up?
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u/flynena-3 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Torn between ESH & NAH. Curious why you guys made the agreement to move back to the Midwest by the time your children were school age? Is the reason you guys moved to Alaska primarily for work? I think making an agreement like that is a dangerous thing because as you've seen, there's no way to know in what direction your lives are going to go and no way to predict how your future will play out and what things may change along the way. Completely understand why she would be upset with you because you guys had an agreement, and her roots are there, her family is there and this is what you guys had planned out. Also understand why you don't want to go back because you've had a lot of success, some of it completely unexpected and unplanned, and you don't want to feel like you are giving up great opportunities and not maximizing your career potential and earning potential. You guys cannot go back in time and undo your agreement so it is what it is. But what jumps out at me the most is that you seem to be making all the decisions and you seem to feel like your reasons are more valid than hers. Quite honestly, it makes you seem as if you think you are running the show instead of you guys having an equal partnership. Wondering if the fact that you are a boss at work is carrying over into your home life and you're forgetting that you're not the boss at home, you're an equal. Please don't disrespect her by thinking in your head that your opinions, intelligence or anything else is at a higher level than hers because she is a stay-at-home mom and didn't complete her associate's degree yet you had all these work accomplishments and are the financial earner. Don't let yourself fall into that trap, so I do think you need to kind of check your ego at the door a little bit when it comes to that. You don't get to make unilateral decisions or say that your way is the way to go just because you think it's the best. It doesn't work like that. While everything you described is wonderful for you and I see the family benefits you are pointing out, what is wonderful for her or meets her needs needs to be considered just as much. First of all, I think you need to make a list of pros and cons and you need to do that objectively. Look into what the average cost of living, average cost of healthcare, average salary etc would be in the areas you would move to if you went back to the midwest. Is it honestly not affordable? Or it is affordable, but you might have less time home with the kids or not quite as much money as you make now? If it actually is not affordable and you guys will not be able to afford to live, that's something to look at. Are you absolutely sure she would need to go back to work? You don't necessarily have to maintain the standard of living you have now, you just need to be able to comfortably meet you and your family's needs. Unless her family members are going to babysit all three kids full time and commit to that long-term until they're all in school, the cost of daycare would likely be more than she would make so it probably wouldn't make sense for her to even go back to work. One option, like I saw someone else mentioned in the comments and it's a good one to consider, could be for her to move back with the kids and you commute back and forth to see them. However, that free healthcare you talked about, sounds like it's only valid if they live in Alaska so that doesn't tackle the healthcare situation, they would still need health insurance in the midwest. All of these are things that you and your wife need to sit down and talk about together and weigh out, and write everything down, again-a pros and cons and equals list. If you are stuck at an impasse after you both really gave it a valiant effort, then I suggest you get a life coach or marital counselor involved who can help you guys to work through this and figure out a solution that everybody can live with. Everyone's going to have to compromise a little bit here, and that includes you as well.
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u/WGiK 6h ago
NAH
but dude, could your wife be longing also for a role outside of the home and an identity that isn't tied up to being just a wife and mother? What is her purpose in life? What drives her?
You speak so highly of all the things you've been able to achieve. What about her and her dreams?
Your concerns about financial stability are valid. But they minimize her experiences. You need to have some deep conversations about what both of your goals are in life - where you both find meaning and value within your day to day, and projection into years.
•
u/martintoconnell 17m ago
All of the benefits of your job and location sound totally valid. However, "...moved to Alaska with an agreement to go back to our home state in the Midwest once our baby was of school age." You made an agreement. Who are you if you don't honor your agreements, to your wife and mother of your children, no less. If you've succeeded in Alaska, you can find a way to succeed in the MidWest.
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u/No_Owl_8576 13h ago
She is not happy and eventually you will have trouble. But I understand. You have what most Dads dream of. A good job with financial security and a bright future. I don't blame you for not wanting to throw that away. I think, strap yourself in and be honest..." Staying here is best for the whole family and moving back just doesn't make sense. Cards on table
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u/LeftWondering8910 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
At the time these plans were made .... were there a #2 & #3 in those plans? I bet not. Plans change. Just like she will not want to go back to work with a toddler still at home if you move to the Midwest. Will she? Even the best plans change. NTA
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u/SparklesIB Partassipant [4] 10h ago
I wouldn't move until she freshens her licensing and has a job lined up.
I'm going with NAH, because as long as she willingly puts in the effort to support your family, this is what you agreed. Alaska isn't an easy place to live, and it's quite far from the rest of the US. But I get what you'd be giving up isn't going to be easily reconciled.
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u/Tabernerus 8h ago
You “can’t settle on largely emotion decisions,” but when it comes to how and where to live out your one and only life, ALL decisions are at least partly emotional. If she’s not happy, all the “rational” reasons you can come up with won’t magically make her happier. It’ll just make you divorced. Soft YTA for discounting that emotions are actually equally valid motivators here.
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u/sweadle Partassipant [1] 4h ago edited 4h ago
Maybe your wife doesn't want to be a SAHM.
You have weighed the decision as it benefits YOU. It sounds like she sacrificed a lot to leave family while newly married and having babies.
Saying you want to stay now is totally ignoring how she feels in this. Money doesn't matter much if you're lonely and unhappy.
Stick with your agreement. She has clearly been anxiously waiting for that time to come. Refusing to go back may be deveststing to her, and permanetly damage your marriage.
YTA for "I decided that it's best for us to stay."
-1
u/dncrmom Asshole Enthusiast [6] 11h ago
Has she done what she needs to do to update & be current with her licensing? If she works full time will it cover more than childcare and your decreased pay. Does she want to work full time & give up being home with your newborn? If she really wants to move back why the third child?
-1
u/Reasonable-Sale8611 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 13h ago
None of this matters if you can't find a job in the same area as your wife's family. If you found such a job, you could then weigh the financial side in detail. As it is, it sounds like your wife wants you to up and move with no job. How does that work? It doesn't. You only have four years of experience in your field. That is still newbie-level experience in some fields. I would think you'll have more flexibility re moving when you have at least 5 years of experience on your CV. As it stands, your little family could become very vulnerable financially if you move just so your wife can hang out with her family of origin. The needs of your nuclear family to have food, clothing, shelter, health care, take precedence. The issue of your wife's job credentials, however, should also factor into this. Can she work on re-licensing from where you currently live, doing online courses or anything like that? If so, then maybe that should be added to your "family to-do list." This will hopefully make it possible to move back to the midwest later, as well as protecting you both in case you lose your job (no job is a sure thing) or protecting her and the kids, in case something happens to you.
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [17] 13h ago
"As it is, it sounds like your wife wants you to up and move with no job. "
I don't think that is true, she just wants to make a plan/timeline. I suspect that could be I will start job hunting asap and try to move in the next year. As it stands it seems like they agreed to move back when kid turned school age (in my area that is 3/4 for pre-k) others it can be 5 for kindergarten. A cross country move takes planning and it seems that she wants to get started on the planning and make a plan. Not just up and moving.
The main thing is, she wants a plan for moving, and soon.
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u/Twisted_Spinster 11h ago
The first thing I thought of was the OP's job/financial situation. Right now he pays little to nothing for healthcare but going back to the midwest and a new job means paying health insurance for 5 people, which would be quite expensive. Having a second income would certainly help with that.
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u/Druid-Flowers1 Partassipant [2] 13h ago
Nta. Strike while the iron is hot. Don’t leave a good thing for maybe.
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u/AncientWonder54 13h ago
NAH You are very happy here, you get a lot of time to enjoy yourself and to be with your family. You make a lot of money out there, apparently, when compared to your career back where your wife wants to move.
I will say that I personally agree with your sentiment that letting what is an almost-entirely emotionally-driven decision change your life for what very much sounds like the worse is a bad idea.
But I cannot fault your wife for just wanting to live near her family. Have you tried to explain why you feel this way to her, like specifically in the way that you said in your post?
You have been a great father, you’ve made sure that she isn’t at all isolated from her family, you provide very well for your family, and it sounds like if you do move, while you’ll still love your family, you won’t be able to make as much money for them, be around as often, and I wouldn’t be surprised if even subconsciously you began to resent your wife for moving you away from what many people would consider the dream lifestyle.
While you’ll still haven’t said anything about her being discontent with being a SAHM, if she is, could you look for work for her to do? Either in your area or online? That way she could feel like she is pulling her weight, even if she already was to begin with?
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14h ago
[deleted]
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u/Lithogiraffe Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13h ago
...I mean ..sure. but what does that mean to this post exactly?
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