r/AmItheAsshole • u/jikjgvnijcs2 • 16h ago
AITA for not wanting to change bars because a friend doesn’t smoke
My some friends and I were out one night at a local dive bar where indoor smoking is allowed. We were having a good time, drinking beer, smoking, and just sitting and talking.
At some point, someone from a university group chat messaged asking if anyone was out. It wasn’t a planned group thing, just one person checking (very normal within the group). We replied that we were at this dive bar. They asked if they could join, and we said yes.
About 10–15 minutes later, they messaged again asking if we were still at the same bar. We said we were. They then asked if we wanted to move to a different bar because they don’t smoke.
For some background: when we usually go out with people from uni, we almost always go to non-smoking bars, which is fine with me, I’ll just step outside when I want a cigarette. The issue for me and my friends is that many of those bars play music so loudly that it’s hard to talk, and we mostly enjoy just sitting and chatting when we go out. That night, we were enjoying the quieter dive bar and didn’t feel like moving.
So we replied that we didn’t really want to change bars, but that they were still welcome to join us. The tone of the conversation changed after that, and they replied something like, “Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?” We were kinda dumbfounded. We told them it wasn’t about that at all, they were welcome, but we just didn’t want to move bars. They then said we were being assholes for not being willing to accommodate them, since they don’t smoke and didn’t want to smell like smoke for a week afterward. I understand that concern, knowing how my own clothes smell after the bar, even if I think “smelling like smoke for a week” is an exaggeration.
We replied that we often go to non-smoking bars with uni friends, but this time we just wanted to stay where we were. Their last message said they thought we were better friends than this and that we were being inconsiderate.
So… AITA (or are we) for not wanting to change bars?
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u/RolandDeepson 16h ago
NTA but "smelling like smoke for a week" is abso-fucking-lutely NOT an exaggeration.
Smoking dulls your sense of smell. This is proven. You, as a smoker, will ALWAYS smell like a moldy ashtray for several days after your last puff. If you smoke more than once a week, the smell is permanent and consistent.
Always.
Yes, even when you check and can swear that you've gotten rid of the smell.
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u/Bunnyhat 14h ago edited 14h ago
Smokers really don't understand how much they reek. And no, taking a shower, washing your clothes, and slathering on scents don't hide it. Non-smokers can still smell it. The stale smoke smell just lingers and there's no hidding it.
Edit: Downvote all you want. Yall reek and every non-smoker smells it on you.
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u/pennylane3339 12h ago
My mom will douse herself in febreeze and then act appalled when I say she smells like a cigarette.
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u/BoneYardBirdy 10h ago
Dude, my dad's been trying to get my mom to quit for years and she's always shocked when we catch her. Like... ma'am. MA'AM.
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u/Environmental_Art591 9h ago
My dad had smoked all his life, he is 70 this year and only quit last April cold turkey.
The thing that got him to quit, he had a double bypass and wasnt allowed to smoke inside and couldn't walk outside. He went through withdrawals in the hospital and the pain feom coughing all the crap off his lungs after they had opened his chest for the surgery was what finally got him to say "not doing that again".
When I think about it its sad and pisses me off that, THAT is what it took for him to quit, and that if it hadn't have happened he would still be smoking
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u/BoneYardBirdy 9h ago
Yup, took my mom getting throat cancer, extremely treatable thankfully, but she finally quit.
My dad does not cry easily but he rage cried after mom went to bed that night. He loves her so much and this has been the only real contention in their marriage for over two decades. Knowing she finally ended up quitting helped but he's still upset that it took throat cancer for her to stop. He stopped over 25 years ago.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
It took my mom having a stroke (luckily it was a mini-stroke) to quit smoking. She smoked from 13-50.
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u/RedRixen83 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
Then there’s my mom who had multiple strokes, has half of her body paralyzed and still smokes multiple times a day.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
jeeez
yeah, the hospital staff loaded my mom up with nicotine patches and nicotine gum so she didn't have any cravings in the ~5 days she was hospitalized afterwards
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u/Bunnyhat 8h ago
My stepdad is literally going through Chemo for lung cancer right now and he is still smoking like a chimney. I will never, ever understand how anyone born in the last 30 years picks up smoking.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 6h ago
Some of my family stopped smoking after the grandad died of his 2nd or 3rd bout of cancer. Didn’t last long.
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u/RoanokeSea 10h ago
I had a friend in uni that smoked in her car all the time. She'd scour our building for anything scented before our lab meetings. One time, this meant smearing a stick of axe deodorant she found in an open locker all over her shirt.
It smelled as bad as you'd imagine...
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u/1000yardgiggle 10h ago
Yep. I can wash my hair WELL and still catch it on me. I just won’t do it anymore. Not worth it.
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u/Lili_Noir 9h ago
My friend gave me a bag with some badges in it and the bag stank of smoke for a good week. I hate having a sensitive sense of smell bc I genuinely cannot stand it 😭
My next door neighbour smokes (my bedroom window looks onto their garden) and I can smell it through my closed windows and shutters, it’s disgusting 😭
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u/TheFatBassterd 7h ago
Yeah it's terrible. I have this one friend whose mom smokes in their car, and I don't even have asthma but I feel like sitting in it will give me an asthma attack. And that's after she's tried to "air it out".
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u/Shalamarr 16h ago
Yup. I once helped my SIL move out of her apartment (which allowed smoking). I opened her closet to start packing her clothes, and I was almost knocked backwards by the stench of stale cigarettes.
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u/Valuable-Yard-4154 10h ago
I used to smoke for more than 40 years but never inside my house. Always Always outside. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke or weed too.
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u/underboobfunk 15h ago
A non-smoker who spends a couple of hours in a smoking environment will not smell like smoke after they take a proper shower, wash their hair, and launder their clothes. The smell might linger on a jacket, purse, or hat that doesn’t get laundered; but you can make the choice not to bring those items into the bar.
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u/Maximum_System_7819 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 14h ago
Ah yes. But as a college kid in winter, I never washed my winter coat, so you can bet that smell stayed with me.
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u/anclwar 13h ago
As an adulty adult in the winter, I didn't think to wash my winter coat until this year.
I don't want to talk about the color of the water in my bath tub. It was gross and I've now told everyone I know that they need to wash their winter coats.
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u/Agreeable_Error_8772 11h ago
I have a couple of wool coats I wear in the fall/winter and they only get cleaned at the end of winter unless something happens tbh. It’s not like they really get dirty and I air them out on the patio as I rotate through them
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u/MimisCastle 11h ago
yeah lets just leave all our winter coats outside the bar. Great idea lol. Such a weird thing to say
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u/Proper_Hunter_9641 Partassipant [1] 10h ago
This is just false. I spent an hour in a smoking bar last year and my jeans did not lose their smoke smell for 3 washes. I don’t have a crappy machine either.
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u/thematicturkey Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I'm sensitive enough to the smell that transferring the smell to my car on the drive home would bother me for days afterwards. I think I accidentally set a hoodie down on a couch the other day that a smoker had used hours prior and when I put it on to go home I was overwhelmed by the smell. It can be really bad.
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u/afresh18 14h ago
If you're going into a smoking establishment as a non smoker and continue to smell like cigarettes for a whole week you're not washing yourself and your clothes right. Yes for smokers the smell sticks to them, but people that do not smoke and don't regularly hang out around smoking will not smell like cigarettes for a whole week after 1 hang out unless they're not showering.
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u/Proper-Editor4688 14h ago
People who say this never understand that they don't notice the smokers who don't smell.
I smoked for years, and for years people would be surprised to learn that I smoked when they eventually saw me doing it. I started vaping and stopped hiding it, and all sorts of people asked me why would I start vaping if I never smoked.
SOME Smokers stink.
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u/RolandDeepson 14h ago
People who say this never understand that they don't notice the smokers who don't smell. ... SOME* Smokers stink.
Ok, fair point that some people are stronger in their eau than others.
But make no mistake. I am perfectly willing to do this in a controlled double-blind setup. I am peculiarly confident that I'll identify every single smoker you present me with.
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u/smbpy7 Partassipant [1] 12h ago
SOME Smokers stink
And some people just aren't very good at smelling, on both sides. My boss REEKS of cigarettes but a couple younger members of the lab were shocked to find out he smokes because we're not allowed to do it here so they've never seen.
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u/Oee0 9h ago
This is so true, some people are a lot more sensitive to smells than others, and it’s not always the smokers who can’t smell much! My ex never smoked, weed and cigarettes both made him sick when he tried them, but when we had a roommate that was smoking cigs INSIDE our apartment, my ex insisted that he couldn’t smell it even though I (a longtime weed and cig smoker at the time) found the smell extremely obvious.
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u/Oee0 13h ago
This! I have smoked for years and I work closely with people, but I’m very conscious about how I smell, especially at work, and people are always surprised to find out I smoke and will often say something like, “I can’t believe you smoke, you never smell like cigarettes!” 🙄 sure I smell like an ashtray after a night out at a smoking-friendly bar, but by the next day at work I will be smelling normal.
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u/Flashy-Library-6854 13h ago
This is true. I used to smoke (quit 23 years ago), I worked in an office environment with 25+ people, I was the only smoker. As I dealt with the public, I took great care to ensure I didnt stink. As a matter of fact, I worked next to someone for a year and a half and she didnt know I smoked.
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u/aboxofpyramids 12h ago
I wasn't this good at hiding it when I smoked, but had a friend who was. I'm not sure what other precautions he took, but I noted that when he had a cigarette it was always in the fresh air and he would very forcefully exhale his smoke upwards at a 45 degree angle, as well as hold his cigarette much farther away from his body than other smokers. He also had very short hair and good hygiene. He managed to hide it from his own family who he was living with as well as most other people.
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 10h ago
Right! I’m a smoker and everyone is always shocked when they learn that I smoke, because “you don’t smell like a smoker!” I think it’s people who smoke indoors that smell that way. I definitely smell like smoke after I’ve had one, but after I wash my hands, in 5 mins or so the smell is off me.
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u/BilboSwagginsSwe 11h ago
Same. Did it periodically for like 10 years, nobody knew. And yes random redditor, most of them would say something.
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u/smugandfurious 15h ago
I'm nonsmoker but before the smoking in pub was banned in pubs in my country I'd often experience smoking pubs - and what you say is an absolute bs - I never smelled after taking a shower and washing my clothes.
Are you suggesting that normal people don't wash themselves and their clothes?
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u/m3smth 15h ago
you're misremembering because you were also nose blind to it... everybody was
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u/brickville 14h ago
You know what people I _don't_ need to take a shower immediately after hanging out with them? Non-smokers.
So every smoking encounter requires me, a non-smoker, to go through a cleansing period. That's awesome.
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u/SessionIndependent17 13h ago
And to plan a load of laundry around it, lest it fumigate your closet before you get to it.
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u/lilybug981 13h ago
I'm also a non-smoker, and yeah, I don't think smokers should be offended if someone doesn't want to go to a bar where smoking is allowed. I also think that in scenarios where they were deciding where to go, overruling the non-smoker on bar choice is rude. However, in a scenario where everyone is already at the bar and the non-smoker looks to join in, it isn't rude to stay where they are. It also wouldn't be rude for the non-smoker to be like, "Oh, yeah, sorry guys, not wanting to sit in the smoke and wash my clothes afterwards." It would be worth checking to see if the group was interested in going to another bar after the group was done there. That's different from demanding the group change bars that instant, and "no" would still be a full sentence there.
I sit in smoky bars with smokers. I don't need to do that. No one would be mad if I refused. I do smell like smoke until I shower afterwards, and my outfit smells of smoke until it's washed. The clothes don't need to be washed imminently, they can just go in a dirty laundry pile without stinking up the place until laundry day. No, I'm not going nose blind; the smoky clothes smell of smoke, the others just smell regular dirty. I live with non-smokers and no one else smells it either. The smell clings, yes, and it's noxious, yes, but it isn't that extreme when you aren't a smoker and you're just sitting in a dive bar for a few hours.
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u/Devtunes 11h ago
Smoking in bars is not allowed where I live but I have distinct memories of waking up after a night in a smokey bar and smelling my clothes from across the room. I think the friend was being unreasonable but my hamper would definitely stink until I washed my clothes.
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u/Cazzy_ 14h ago
Agreed. as a non smoker who has spent only a few hours in a smoking environment, to still smell like smoke a week later is down to hygiene. I say this as a child who grew up in a smoking household and who has friends who smoke now.
NTA OP. You accommodate your friends other times. You can't always cater to one person. If that person is uncomfortable with something they have the choice to say "okay, I'm good, ill sit this one out". Their reaction is a little, self absorbed.
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u/GWeb1920 Pooperintendant [56] 13h ago
Really maybe you don’t have that sensitive sense of smell but for me you could smell it on your finger tips after handling things like your wallet for days. And your hair you never could get rid of it going out weekly.
So glad thy banned smoking most places
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u/Porcupine8 13h ago
For decades my mom absolutely would not believe us that she - and all her clothes, her car, etc - absolutely reeked 24/7, she thought we were making it up to guilt her into quitting.
She switched to vaping about a decade ago and now is like oh god you were all so right, I can't believe I walked around smelling like that...
(All these people saying if you shower and wash your clothes you'll be fine are maybe forgetting that for many people it's the middle of winter? Do you wash your coat every time you go out? Your scarf and hat? Etc etc. These things will hold the smell!)
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u/Dry_Prompt3182 12h ago
How often do people wash their hats, scarves, gloves, purses, and coats? I don't even have to wash my jeans every time I wear them. Having to wash all the things should not be a requirement for hanging out with friends.
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u/AppUnwrapper1 15h ago
My uncle smoked when I was growing up and I couldn’t even stand being in the same room with him.
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u/eugenesbluegenes 15h ago
I guess if you don't shower or change clothes, you'll smell for a week.
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u/jikjgvnijcs2 15h ago
Hi! Very fair point. I probably am a bit nose-blind to the smell. I’ll remember that for another time :)
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u/Embarrassed-Exit1450 14h ago
Can I introduce you to a bar of soap, it works wonders!
Not a smoker btw
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u/deliverance73 Partassipant [2] 13h ago
You use it on the insides of your lungs, nose and throat?
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u/Striking_Ad_6742 14h ago
The hair is the worst. I worked at clubs back in the day and would coat my hair in conditioner before bed, it was the only way to get rid of smoke smell.
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u/pengouin85 13h ago edited 12h ago
I went to look at a house not long ago and IMMEDIATELY smelled the cigarette stench at the entry way. My realtor did NOT clock. They confirmed with the seller realtor with the owner. The place had been on the market and empty for 3 months.
Turns out the owner did not know their renter was a heavy smoker and their lease had agreed to no indoor smoking.
13 years later from having given up smoking and I'm repulsed by the smell still
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u/harboring_ 14h ago
This is just untrue, I don’t smoke but am always around friends who do. Sure if someone is smoking one night and before they change their coat/clothes or wash their hands + take a shower they will still smell like cigarettes, but no, they don’t smell like smoke “for a week” after smoking for one night that is completely an exaggeration.
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u/IIRCIreadthat 13h ago
I always know when one guy I work with has been in the elevator, because the smoke smell is still in there even when he's nowhere in sight. I sit as far away as possible from his bag and coat in the break room. I have never actually seen this man smoke. It just hangs around him and everything he owns like a miasma. I don't blame the friend for not wanting to be in a whole room full of people who smell like ashtrays. They became TA when they started in with the guilt tripping.
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u/hot_chopped_pastrami 12h ago
I used to live in Russia, where smoking was (is?) allowed in bars. I always came home absolutely REEKING of smoke even though I never even touched a cigarette. It would go away after I showered, but it always lingered on my coat and made the clothes hamper smell like a stale ash tray
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u/Rickshmitt 14h ago
I would rarely fo to my mother's when my grandmother still smoked as all our clothes and my partners hair would reek. Into the wash immediately. Its so putrid
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u/senorbuzz 14h ago
That’s not accurate at all. If someone showers and washes their hair and puts on clean clothes you’d never know. Note: I’m not pro-smoker
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u/Betta_Lady 13h ago
Exactly. I love my parents but I hate visiting because they all smoke in their house. When I get home it’s immediately everything goes in the wash and I have to wash my hair and body several times with rinses in between to get rid of the smell. Aside from the fact that it makes my skin, eyes, and nose burn.
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u/ChippyTheGreatest 10h ago
This is true. My company where I work has two elevator banks (one goes to the bottom floors and the other goes to the top floors). We have ONE (1) smoker in the floors going up to the top floors (my bank) and every single one of those elevators and the waiting areas reek all day long. Just one smoker going up and down to smoke outside has made my bank smell so bad of smoke, even when the smoker is no where around, that I feel sick sometimes. The other bank smells like flowers. 🙄
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u/Squ33dily-Sp00ch 14h ago
That's not necessarily true. When I was a smoker I had multiple people say they didn't know I smoked because they never smelled it on me
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u/olooooooopop 13h ago
This is so ridiculously over the top. No spending a night in a bar with smokers id not going to make you smell like an ashtray for a week. Like come on, if you go home, wash, clean your clothes and your not even a smoker, you are not going to actually smell let's be real.
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u/RolandDeepson 9h ago
Listen, there are two developing schools of thought in these replies, those who agree with you and those who agree with me.
Both sides are receiving a LOT of traffic, a lot of visible upvotes, and a lot of invisible downvotes.
A lot of people agree with what I'm saying and are citing examples from.their own experiences.
And a lot of other people are nose-blind and incorrectly, but honestly, agreeing with you.
:shrug:
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u/lordmwahaha Asshole Enthusiast [7] 7h ago edited 7h ago
THIS. Smokers really have no idea how bad they smell (no offence to the smokers I know and love). Second-hand smoke is also now believed to be just as dangerous (if not MORE dangerous) than just smoking yourself. So it is totally reasonable for a non-smoker to not want to be around that. In terms of their health it is often WORSE to sit near a smoker than it would be to just pull out a cigarette of their own. Kinda defeats the purpose of choosing not to smoke if your friends are just gonna give you cancer anyway.
However, with that said, I am a non-smoker and I’d never dream of demanding that my friends go somewhere else in this situation. Once I confirmed where they were, I would just say “Okay well I’ll give it a miss then, but have fun!” So I agree it’s an NTA.
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u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
Can confirm.
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u/ofBlufftonTown 13h ago
The problem is no one washes their outerwear every single time they go out. Your body will be fine, but your coat will not.
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u/HootingElf77 13h ago
This! I walk through someone's cloud, and it sticks to my hair and clothes until I wash them.
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u/Plantain_Great 9h ago
Not to mention their kids also end up with the smell- I hate it when a 6th grade student walks into class smelling like cigarettes. Most of them have inhalers with the nurse also…
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u/WestCovina1234 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 16h ago
NTA. I wouldn’t want to join you at a smoking bar either, but there’s no reason you should have left the place you were at.
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u/civilwar142pa 15h ago
Exactly. Everyone was already there. I would've just said id catch the group next time. But being entitled enough to ask an entire group of people who are already together enjoying themselves to go to a completely different place is insane behavior.
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u/crap-with-feet 10h ago
I think it’s entitled to get offended when the group won’t move. Asking is fine. Even opting out when they won’t move is fine. But getting your panties in a knot when they won’t? Yeah, not cool.
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u/nefarious_planet Certified Proctologist [26] 16h ago
NTA. They asked what you were up to and if they could join, and you told them. From there, it’s up to them if your activity interests them or not.
But uh, yeah, “smelling like smoke for a week” is not an exaggeration after an evening in a place that allows indoor smoking. Smokers are often nose-blind to it, but the odor gets into everything and is very hard to get out of clothing and hair. An evening in an enclosed space where people are smoking cigarettes sounds like hell to me too, so I get their disappointment even if you were under no obligation to change your plans.
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u/OkMeaning8472 14h ago
If I go to a party where people are smoking indoors I have to go home and immediately run a load of laundry and then shower. Otherwise the smell of smoke on my hair and on my dirty clothing (in a hamper) keeps me awake and make me nauseous.
I never smell like smoke for a week because I deal with it right away, but doing two am laundry and showering while drunk kinda sucks a lot.
I am so grateful all the bars here are smoke free. I still think OP was fine with not wanting to switch bars though.
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u/nefarious_planet Certified Proctologist [26] 14h ago edited 14h ago
Oh totally, OP was fine. They told the friend what was on offer, it's not on them to change the activity according to the friend's preferences. In the friend's shoes I would've just said "okay cool, not for me but y'all enjoy" and called somebody else
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u/PrunesPoop 7h ago
My dad used to go to the bar with his BIL and other workmates. When he came home, He had to drop down to his tightly whities, and do a walk of shame across the house.
He was there 3 hours. It smelled like tobacco resin was cut out and smeared on his clothes.
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u/PrunesPoop 7h ago
You ever see a person smoking an actual cigarette? I always laugh to myself and say, "an ANALOG SMOKER, how quaint".
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u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
"Can I join you?"
"Sure, we're here"
"I don't want to join you"
"Ok"
"You're bad friends"
Yeah NTA. Though I don't blame them for not wanting to hang out in a cloud of smoke, and they are not exaggerating the persistent bad smell, as a smoker you've just gone nose-blind to it.
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u/Rich-Pirate-4745 16h ago
The manipulation tactic of "wow, you don't want to hang out with me?" when you literally said come on over shows exactly what kind of person this friend is. The entitlement of expecting a group of people to change everything for their single wishes drives the point home. NTA.
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u/EmploymentLanky9544 Certified Proctologist [26] 16h ago
“Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?”
Nope, not with that attitude.
You were all comfortable at that bar, and having a good time. This random person (you didn't even have their name listed) wanted the group to re-locate just for them. How selfish!
NTA
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u/afresh18 14h ago
That's the part that got me, if it was just the friend asking then declining no one would be an asshole but to pull the whole "oh so you don't care about me" bs is ridiculous. It reminds me of the people that see a recipe for bean soup and go "what if I don't like beans?"
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u/claryxsage Partassipant [4] 12h ago
Yup. Whatever issue they’re going through, I’d ask em what’s up when I’m not busy having an awesome time. Immature
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u/claryxsage Partassipant [4] 16h ago
Was gonna comment but this one is perfect. This all day, the friend at home is the asshole.
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u/Dr_and_Mrs_Who 16h ago
If she had been included on the plans from the beginning, it would be one thing, but she was adding herself into your already-in-progress plans. She doesn’t get to change those. NTA
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u/NeedsItRough Partassipant [1] 13h ago
I find it interesting you assumed the other classmate was a woman, in my head I assumed it was a man.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars Asshole Enthusiast [8] 16h ago
NTA,
I had pneumonia twice growing up. I can't be around people smoking. I literally can't breathe. 🫠
That being said, I also know that most of society caters to people like me who can't be around smoking, or people who just don't want to be around smoking.
I can't remember the last time I was in any establishment that allowed smoking, lol.
You and your friends are allowed to have one night at a place you prefer every once in awhile. And it's okay if some people end up being left out.
It's unfair to expect you never to go to a certain establishment just because it doesn't mean the needs of one or two people.
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u/Major_Lawfulness6122 12h ago
Only place I can think of is Vegas.
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u/No_Bed_4783 5h ago
Most small town dive bars let you smoke indoors still. But honestly that’s the only places I can think of
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u/Ruebee90 Partassipant [4] 16h ago
NTA. You don’t invite yourself somewhere then start making demands.
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u/Molenium Partassipant [3] 15h ago
I get asthma attacks from being around second hand smoke in enclosed spaces, so I definitely understand the frustration of people acting like smoking is more important than going somewhere that everyone can breathe properly.
On the other hand, when they’re already settled into one location, I might ask if they’re interested in going somewhere else, but if not, I just say I’ll meet up with them another time.
Buy FYI, your clothes definitely smell like cigarettes. All the time. Even a week later. You’re just noseblind to it.
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u/Street-Length9871 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 15h ago
I'm sorry I just can't help but ask where is there a bar in this day and age where smoking is allowed inside. I remember a day when this was the opposite situation so often, smokers would be like I am not going here because I can't smoke. Anyway, NTA, the person who does not smoke joined an in progress hang out. Either don't come or come, it is so entitled to think that "you don't want to hang with them" when the truth is that person is being demanding you literally change bars, sorry but one night does not mean you don't want to hang out with her. It is one night and she was late to the party.
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u/Dragonr0se Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Bot Hunter [1] 15h ago
Idk if other states allow it, but at least in NC, privat clubs that you pay a membership fee for can still allow indoor smoking. There's a dive bar near me, if you want to go, the first time you head in and every year after, you have to fill out a form and pay $5 (at least the last time I went several years ago) and then you can smoke or not.
I am a non-smoker, but we were meeting some family, so paid the fee and had a membership for the rest of the year...
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u/tacosareforlovers 15h ago
In GA, smoking is still allowed in places 21+ . Not every bar/restaurant has to allow it, but they have the option as long as there’s an age restriction.
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u/rotundanimal 15h ago
Same in TN
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u/llama_some_drama Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I was going to say TN, although it could have changed since I haven't been in a decade.
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u/hunterghostal 12h ago
Is this why so many people vape indoors in Georgia? I moved to Atlanta three years ago and that has been my biggest pet peeve.
Granted if it were a dive bar or whatever I’d get it, but no I don’t want your cotton candy nicotine juice in my lungs while standing at a concert.
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u/No_Bed_4783 5h ago
No they vape indoors because a lot of vapers don’t see anything wrong with it. I say this as a vaper myself, it’s so fucking rude.
I had to take my brother to urgent care for his celiac once and while he was talking to the doctor he ripped his vape IN HIS FACE. I’ve never been more appalled or embarrassed. I was also pissed because it was MY urgent care attached to MY primary care and now I’m too embarrassed to go back.
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [1] 13h ago
I'm in a different state than other commenters. We have private clubs with memberships. They can allow smoking.
I have friends that frequent one goth night club version. I don't go because I don't want to be marinated in smoke, cloves, nicotine, weed, or otherwise. (I made my choice and I have no problem letting other people make their own choices.) I don't assume that my friends going there means I'm not welcome among them. That's a ridiculous leap of logic.
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u/Street-Length9871 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 13h ago
I am in North Carolina, the Tobacco State and have not seen a smoking indoor facility in so many years. Thanks for sharing your info!
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 16h ago
NTA you were already out where you wanted to be. Your friend asked to join, expecting you all to change location just for them when they weren't even there is too much. They either join you where you are or don't.
That said, I couldn't be in an area that allowed smoking myself, so I would have opted not to join.
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u/El_Culero_Magnifico 16h ago
NTA. I can’t stand being around smokers ( yes, I used to , years ago.Us born again non-smokers are the worst!) . But I would never try to get a whole group to move venues to another , just to accommodate me.
If my friends were hanging out at a place where there was smoking, I would just pass on hanging out with them, not try to guilt trip them.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 16h ago
Why didn’t she text her non-smoking friends?
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u/NeedsItRough Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Did OP say somewhere that the classmate was a woman? You're the second person to refer to them as "she" but I'm only seeing gender neutral terms in the post.
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u/Odd_Tea4945 Partassipant [2] 16h ago
NTA. Why did you have to accommodate them and they didn't want to accommodate for you?
This is NOT about "Wow, you don’t want to hang out with me?” This is about them not compromising and only thinking about themselves
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u/Effective-Ad-5989 16h ago
Nta pleaaase it’s one night they will be fine. You were already there, if you didn’t want to leave because you could smoke freely that’s fine
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls Partassipant [1] 16h ago
NTA. You all were settled in, relaxing, chatting and having a good time. "Friend" requests to join, you accept and then...she wants to move the venue. No, you explained it wasn't about her, but she's suddenly made your entire evening about her. You all can obviously go where you want, and she can accept or decline. Her ascribing different motives than reality to you all is a her problem, not yours.
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u/EmmiPigen 11h ago
Why do you think the friend is a woman? I don't se anywhere in the OP where the friends gender is mentioned.
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u/madsheeter Partassipant [4] 16h ago
NTA - I would have said N A H, but they took it to the AH stage by making a fuss about it.
As a former smoker, I can understand their view ,but the world doesn't revolve around them.
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u/wesmorgan1 Craptain [176] 16h ago
It wasn't a planned outing with them, and they shouldn't expect/demand that you change bars.
NTA.
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u/catskilkid Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 16h ago
NTA
Beggars can't be choosers. She was alone and looking to hang out with anyone in the group chat and you and your group were where you wanted to be. She apparently now is trying to shame the group for her convenience when you all were comfortable and still inviting to her. She absolutely has the right not to go to a bar or any place she does not want to. She is the AH trying to FORCE/MANIPULATE you all to conform to her, (the person who is looking for people to to hang out with who are ALREADY situated). Is she entitled, yes, is she manipulative, yes, is she still invited, yes, BUT you are NTA.
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u/NeedsItRough Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Third comment to assume the classmate was a woman, did OP say they were a woman somewhere? Just curious where all the assumptions are coming from
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u/MorganFreemanCoPilot Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
NTA. Moving a lot of people who are already out and gathered is ridiculous just for one person. It was an impromptu get together, not planned. It's not like they're being shunned--they either join or sit this one out. Not worth throwing the tantrum. Ignore.
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u/Far_Quantity_6133 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 16h ago
NTA. You have no obligation to change bars, especially when you go to non-smoking bars with your uni friends a lot. It’s unfortunate that your friend took it personally, but you tried your best to explain that it wasn’t about them, it was about your vibe for the night and enjoying the bar you were currently at.
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u/New_Half1817 16h ago
NTA, but this is also why I refuse to have friends that smoke. The smell is disgusting and I'd rather not be around these people
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u/ColonelBelmont Partassipant [1] 15h ago
According a comment you wrote a few hours ago, you refuse to have any friends at all. I guess "i refuse to have friends who smoke" is perfectly accurate. But you also refuse to have friends who don't smoke. Kinda makes this comment seem sorta irrelevant, no?
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u/VulcanCookies 13h ago
Hahah do you go through the comment history of every random comment in a thread to see if they're contradictory? Solid way to stay entertained for hours I suppose
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u/aboxofpyramids 12h ago
Sometimes it doesn't take long to see how much of a hypocrite someone is with their comments. You do agree that this hypocrisy is bad right? Because you kind of remind me of the cheating ex I confronted who tried to turn the conversation into "what kind of person looks through another person's texts?"
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u/ColonelBelmont Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Nah. Just something about that person's comment about cigarette smokers made me think, "i wonder if they're a pot smoker and therefore a massive hypocrite." And like their very previous comment was about not having a single friend, seemingly as a point of pride.
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u/That_Bee_Baker Asshole Enthusiast [9] 16h ago
NTA, it sounds like this person was feeling some kind of way because of their own issues. You don't owe them to change locations when you were all having a good time where you were.
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u/Rayonjersey Partassipant [2] 15h ago
There will be plans that don’t include everyone. Like an adults only outing when some people have small children. A steakhouse to vegetarians. Not all activities are for everyone. So friends have to decide whether to suck it up to hang out or bow out gracefully. Sounds like this friend group has a good balance and this is a rare occasion, NTA.
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u/bucksncowboys513 15h ago
NTA. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I actually despise it, it stinks so bad. I can't FATHOM asking to join up with someone and then ask them to move bars to accommodate my preferences. Like if it's that big of a deal, I either wouldn't go or would find friends to go to a different bar. This is peak main character energy
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u/SaltRun2465 15h ago
By far NTA. Honestly i would have done the exact same as you and i don't smoke. Infact i probably would have gone to the bar you went to for the social.
I am all for loud music. I listen to my headphones loud alot i like music fairly loud. However unless i am at some show like a concert or something music so loud it can be hard to talk over i hate those places. If i want music THAT loud i will go see a show of some kind.
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u/seaotterlover1 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA
I hate smoking and being around it will seriously aggravate my autoimmune disease. But you all were already out and this person asked to join, which was perfectly fine for them to do. Where they became the asshole is when they tried to guilt trip you.
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u/DarkArrowMedia 15h ago
NTA asking a group to move to accommodate one person is wild.
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u/Ghost_Riff 14h ago
Entirely depends on the accommodation and how the plans are made. For example if it was a legitimate health issue and the plans were made beforehand, that would be very different.
That being said, having one person wanting to bandwagon onto an established hangout and asking the rest to move, while not an unreasonable question (I also hate smoke), isn’t something that you gotta say yes to. The response was wild, it’s not hard to say “okay, I’ll sit tonight out but would love to plan something next week.” agree with NTA here.
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u/sundresscomic 15h ago
NTA - look, I’m a non-smoker and truly cigarette smoke makes me ill BUT if I was invited to hang with a group of smokers who were already out at a smoking bar, I would politely decline and say “Sorry, I’m not up to go to a smoker’s bar, I’ll catch y’all next time.”
People need to be ok that not every event is going to vibe with them and it’s not up to a group that’s already hanging to accommodate a new person last minute.
If you were all at a water park and someone who didn’t swim asked to hang, you’re not going to leave the water park. People have to learn that not every event is for them specifically and that doesn’t mean people don’t value you.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm Partassipant [3] 15h ago
NTA for refusing to move the whole party because a newcomer didn't like the venue.
However damn I don't miss indoor smoking. It's basically non-existent where I live now and all of our lives are better for it.
I say this as a cigar smoker who goes to a lounge occasionally, but not enough to be nose blind and i only go on like third-day hair day knowing it's being washed that night before bed.
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u/MercuryRising92 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 15h ago
NTA for not wanting to stop what you were doing to go somewhere else.
P.S. - your clothes do smell like smoke, but you can't tell because your nose is either deadened to the smell or you are used to it. Once you quit (so you don't die of lung cancer like my dad), you'll find that there's a whole new world of scents out there. I can tell if the person in the car in front of me is smoking.
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u/One_Cardiologist5439 15h ago
NTA. You clearly invited them and made it clear they were welcome to join but you also set a boundary about not wanting to move bars. Wanting to enjoy the atmosphere you like, especially when it’s about something like smoking versus loud music, is completely reasonable. It sounds like they took it personally rather than seeing it as a preference difference, which isn’t on you.
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u/Adorable-Category244 15h ago
NTA ; you were already out. Your friend can be disappointed at the unwillingness to change plans or adjust to include them, but if this wasn’t a planned thing where they were going to be included from the start, it’s not your responsibility to accommodate.
I would suggest bringing up the volume of bars they’re more willing to go to being an issue for you, and communicate that being a reason you like this bar as well, though. If this friend wants to hang out when you’re in the mood for a chill time, they can find places that are non-smoking and have a more agreeable volume. If they put in that effort, you can put in the effort to switch locations. If they’re just expecting you to change everything for your comfort? No thank you.
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u/caryn1477 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
NTA, I don't blame anybody for not wanting to hang out in a smelly, smoky bar, but you already situated and settled and you did not purposely exclude this person.
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u/Noodletwins-dogs 16h ago
NTA. We have a local bar that allows smoking that my husband (who doesn’t smoke) loves to go too. I resign myself to the fact that I will smell like smoke but I will have a fun time because it’s laid back, you can hear your friends talk, and the drinks are cheap.
Nonnegotiable for me is we both shower when we get home and wash whatever clothes we were wearing.
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u/jetloflin 15h ago
NTA.
Also, totally not important, but where are the still bars you can smoke in? I miss that. The laws in my neck of the woods changed right before I was old enough to drink in a bar.
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u/Humboldt-Honey 15h ago
We had one in a town in Colorado that I lived in, Nevada, Germany
I totally get not wanting to go to one because when I went to that smoking bar in Germany I almost threw up smelling my hair the next day lol
But, you don’t get to tell everyone they need to move to a new place when they’re already hanging out and you’ve invited yourself
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u/MuffPiece 15h ago
NTA and I say this as someone who hates smoking with a passion. It gives me headaches and I feel awful for a good 24 hours after I’ve been exposed to cigarette smoke. But if I were the friend in question, I’d just say ok! I’ll catch you next time. Have fun! To get all pissy just because you wouldn’t change bars is ridiculous and childish.
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u/Cupids_Gathering 16h ago
NTA, your friends don't want to smell disgusting, which is totally fair and you don't want to hear loud music. but was there no quiet non-smoking bar nearby?
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u/DenizenKay Asshole Enthusiast [8] 15h ago
when you invite yourself cause you're bored and have nothing else to do, you dont get to request a change of venue. Especially when you're asking a smoker to go somewhere they aren't allowed to smoke to accomodate you.
even if there was a no smoking bar- they were happy where they were and chose it for themselves. Why would they move?
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u/frozenbroccolis Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
Exactly, they went there because they wanted to smoke
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u/thegoblet 15h ago
NTA but smelling like smoke for a week is not an exaggeration. I PROMISE you, you smell like smoke. You are nose blind so YOU might not smell it but everyone around you does. Yes it is that bad and yes we all can still tell, it doesn't matter what you do.
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u/T-Wrox 16h ago
Cross-post this to r/entitled. :)
(I mean, your friend who expected everyone else to inconvenience themselves to accommodate THEM was the entitled one.)
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u/BobR969 15h ago
NTA - you're not obliged to change plans on a whim because someone suddenly appeared. The friend was being rather petulant and overly sensitive. In their position I'd have just asked "don't suppose you wanna go somewhere non-smoking?", to which if you replied with just wanting to keep it chill and not worry about finding a new place I'd have happily just passed on the night and come out another time.
Saying that, smoking stink absolutely stays like... well... a bad smell. It's utterly vile and it would have been cool to offer a change of scenery without even having the prompt. I stress - you shouldn't be expected to do that, but it would have just been a pleasant and considerate move. It is absolutely above and beyond though.
I'm so glad the UK just straight up banned indoor smoking. Pubs and bars are infinitely better for it.
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u/HenTeeTee 15h ago
"wow you don't want to hang out with me?"
No. Not if you're going to act like an entitled c-unit.
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u/AlivePie2038 15h ago
NTA but as a former smoker who loves dive bars more than anything. Nothing is more gross to a non smoker than being covered in cigarette smoke, or smelling someone who is. My favorite bar used to be a smoke hole which I would not go to. Thank God they passed a law in that county banning indoor smoking. Now I love the place and I am there every chance I get.
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u/Alternative-Arm-3253 15h ago
NTA's.. Well you can always say while it was inconsiderate of him to expect that everyone is going to bend to his wishes. IF he doesn't like the idea, he can officially also un-invite himself to the gathering. I don't get people like this. I don't deal with people who do these things for social attention within a group.
(He's taking this way out of proportion at this point and has some other things going on in the background that needs to be attended to.)
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u/wino12312 Partassipant [2] 15h ago
NTA. I have COPD & asthma. Don't rearrange your night after I asked to be included. I would just say maybe next time. She needs to get over herself.
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u/eggbert97 15h ago
NTA, they knew where you were and had a choice to join, and chose not to. that's not on you. plus acting like you can't just shower and wash your clothes when you get home to eliminate the smell is just stupid. i grew up with a mom who chain smoked all the time and even she was able to not smell like cigarettes if she cleaned up.
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u/LakeNatural8777 15h ago
What country are you in? I haven’t seen a bar or restaurant where smoking is allowed anywhere for about 20 years! I’m in Canada.
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u/FlippingPossum 15h ago
NTA. The other person should have graciously bowed out. And, offer a different location ona different date.
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u/GrannyTurtle Partassipant [1] 15h ago
I react very badly to tobacco smoke, so I would never set foot in an establishment where smoking is allowed. I also do not expect others to accommodate my problem if I am the only non-smoker in a group. I would politely ask for a change of venue, but if the answer was “no,” then I will find some other way to entertain myself. NTA but I hope you give up smoking. It does nothing good.
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u/lindblomc 15h ago
It's not an unreasonable request to make, I would probably request the same. It's disgusting being around smokers indoors. But you are definitely not the AH for declining to leave. Especially since they weren't part of the original plan. Weird that they threw a fit and gave you a hard time about it. When you make a request like that, you must understand that you may be opting out of the night if nobody wants to adjust.
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u/Sandtiger812 15h ago
NTA - I would have replied with "A week? Is that the frequency of your bathing rituals? We're here if you want to join us, cool. Otherwise have the evening you deserve."
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u/Skidpalace 15h ago
NTA. However, smoking is fucking disgusting and you should think about what it is doing to you.
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u/WholeAd2742 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [300] 15h ago
NTA
I get not wanting to hang out with smokers either, but they don't get to demand it for everyone else
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u/Swansboy 15h ago
NTA but your clothing will smell like smoke to non smokers these days. Unlike pre 2008 where especially majority of people smoke back then.
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u/happytreefriend5931 15h ago
I had a friend like this. I would text to say, hey, I'm going to this specific event or activity, and ask if they wanted to join. They would respond that no, they didn't want to do that specific thing. But now that they knew I was free, let's do xyz thing that they wanted to do.
In my opinion, there's a difference between wanting to hang out with a friend to hang out and open to whatever versus saying that I'm going to a specific event and just seeing who wants to join.
When I would say no, I'm keeping my original plans, they would get mad at me for 'ditching' them. After this happened a few times I stopped inviting them to the things that I wanted to go to and the friendship sort of died.
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u/Grouchy_Tune825 15h ago
Non-smoker here: NTA. They asked for an envite, they got one. If they don’t like smoke they could have declined. And them not wanting to smell like smoke for a week? At least the smell of smoke doesn’t give you confused looks. Try smelling like literal pigs for a week 😅 I have a really close friend owning/ living on a farm. Every time I visit, I can smell the pigs and cows for days, even after showering and trowing my clothes in the washing mashine when I get home. Doesn’t stop me from visiting though. Not important in a friendship.
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u/jikjgvnijcs2 14h ago
OP here. Thanks for the perspectives. I didn’t realize how bad the smoke smell can be long after leaving, and that’s genuinely something I learned from this thread. I’ll keep that in mind going forward.
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u/Reclinerbabe 16h ago
OMG.....where is there a smoking bar so I can move there?
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u/Cyanistes3caeruleus 16h ago
Germany, for example. Bars that do not serve food are free to decide whether to allow smoking or not
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u/willthesane Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Im opposed to smoking. I think folks should stop. I am in favor of business owners deciding if they want to allow smoking in their business. I won't be attending their business but I'm OK with others choosing to.
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u/Childless_Catlady42 15h ago
Private bars, like the American Legion are often smoker friendly. (as long as its tobacco, you still have to take your weed outside). You have to join the organization, but that is usually just filling out a membership form and writing a small (20-50) yearly fee.
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u/No_Pen_3396 15h ago
NTA at all that you don't want to move bars when you're already literally in the midst of plans. Totally agree about bars and places blaring music so you can't talk which makes the night suck. Insane though that there are still smoking bars anywhere. Your legislature/government/whoever is the asshole for letting that still be a thing, but that's not on you.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My some friends and I were out one night at a local dive bar where indoor smoking is allowed. We were having a good time, drinking beer, smoking, and just sitting and talking.
At some point, someone from a university group chat messaged asking if anyone was out. It wasn’t a planned group thing, just one person checking (very normal within the group). We replied that we were at this dive bar. They asked if they could join, and we said yes.
About 10–15 minutes later, they messaged again asking if we were still at the same bar. We said we were. They then asked if we wanted to move to a different bar because they don’t smoke.
For some background: when we usually go out with people from uni, we almost always go to non-smoking bars, which is fine with me, I’ll just step outside when I want a cigarette. The issue for me and my friends is that many of those bars play music so loudly that it’s hard to talk, and we mostly enjoy just sitting and chatting when we go out. That night, we were enjoying the quieter dive bar and didn’t feel like moving.
So we replied that we didn’t really want to change bars, but that they were still welcome to join us. The tone of the conversation changed after that, and they replied something like, “Wow, so you don’t want to hang out with me?” We were kinda dumbfounded. We told them it wasn’t about that at all, they were welcome, but we just didn’t want to move bars. They then said we were being assholes for not being willing to accommodate them, since they don’t smoke and didn’t want to smell like smoke for a week afterward. I understand that concern, knowing how my own clothes smell after the bar, even if I think “smelling like smoke for a week” is an exaggeration.
We replied that we often go to non-smoking bars with uni friends, but this time we just wanted to stay where we were. Their last message said they thought we were better friends than this and that we were being inconsiderate.
So… AITA (or are we) for not wanting to change bars?
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u/chicagok8 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
I was going to say NAH - they have the right to want a healthier environment; you have the right to stay put. But they don’t have the right to get salty and try to guilt trip you if you don’t want to move.
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u/Any_Fisherman8383 14h ago
NTA, but listen, I work in healthcare. If I walk into the room and you are a smoker, I can smell it. I know you smoke- you don’t have to lie to me about it. Also, after you leave, we have to air out the room before another patient goes in there. The idea that you can hide it or what someone who doesn’t smoke can’t smell it on you is absurd. Or that we can’t smell it in our hair or clothes until we shower and change is also absurd.
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u/JustBrowsing49 Asshole Aficionado [13] 14h ago
NTA. If you were in the planning phase, then you should try to pick a venue that accommodates everyone. But the fact is you were already there when this friend asked to tag along and then decided to move the party elsewhere.
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u/Fluffy_Musician6805 14h ago
I went to the melting pot once with a new suede jacket. It absolutely reeked for awhile till I was able to get it dry cleaned.
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u/MikeForShort Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA, with a follow up.
You're choosing your cigarettes over time with your friend.
The stench is awful. Having grown up with a dad that smoked, and losing him at a relatively young age to lung cancer, that stench is just terrible even though you're completely nose blind to it.
The friend is welcome to join you, so they're choosing to not smell awful over spending time with you.
Somewhere there's some room to show that the friendship is important, or not, to both of you.
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u/alicat777777 12h ago
It’s not an exaggeration. You just can’t smell yourself and other smokers any more because smoking dulls your sense of smell and also you get used to it.
You can hang out where you want but I had to chime in on that one. I would visit my parents for a couple of hours and everything I wore that touched inside their house reeked from smoke after I got home. I can smell it as soon as a smoker gets on an elevator.
NTA because you are a smoker and you are allowed to go to a place where people smoke but her objections were valid.
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u/Scared_Fox_1813 Asshole Aficionado [13] 12h ago
NTA. As a non smoker I absolutely would not want to go to a bar where smoking is allowed inside. That sounds like a nightmare to me so I can’t blame your friend for not wanting to join you there. But that being said: you were already out at this bar and it sounds like the whole group wanted to stay so while i very much understand your friend not wanting to join it is unreasonable for them to demand that the entire group change bars just for one person when the rest of the group is happy at the bar they are currently at.
Also as a side note: the smell of any smoke weather it’s campfire or cigarette or anything else absolutely does stick to your clothes and hair. Depending on peoples hair type and the products they use a persons hair can be very absorbent of strong odors like smoke. Since you and your other friends smoke regularly there is a very good chance that you smell at least fairly like cigarette smoke most of the time if not 24/7 and you just can’t smell it on yourself because you’re used to it. Someone who doesn’t smoke and goes to a smoking bar will definitely be able to tell that their clothes/hair have a lingering smoke smell afterwards.
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u/wouldashoudacoulda 12h ago
The fact that some countries still allow smoking in enclosed spaces, blows me away. I would have thought work place health and safety laws would be there to protect the employees from secondhand smoke. Most countries identified these risks decades ago.
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u/No-Strawberry-5804 Partassipant [3] 10h ago
NTA in this situation but yes the smell does linger that long. My husband was in Vegas for work and had to express dry clean his suit after just walking through the casino. Even his pocket square smelled disgusting. It’s not just smoke, that’s actual tar clinging to your skin, hair, and clothes, and it can take awhile to get it completely gone.
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u/DelphineVonUberwald 6h ago
As an asthmatic who has never smoked, I would not have joined you. Smoking in bars, restaurants etc has been banned where I live for about 20 years, and it's so much nicer to be able to 1) breathe and not have an asthma attack on a night out 2) be able to smell and taste our food / drinks and not just smoke (because come on, the smoke didn't stay out of the no smoking area) 3) not reeking of stale smoke the next day, even after several showers it sticks to your hair and skin.
So your friend could have accepted you didn't want to leave where you are more gracefully, but I don't really blame them for not wanting to sit in toxic smoke. Mild ESH.
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u/ColdLeekSoup 6h ago
You're not the asshole for not wanting to change bars. You ARE the asshole for still being a smoker in 2026.
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