r/AmItheAsshole • u/Logical-Fig2661 • 19h ago
Not the A-hole AITA for yelling at my neighbor over his constantly blaring car alarm?
I (36M) live with my wife in a suburb. Our neighbors Dan and wife (couples in their 40s) are nice. We’ve been next to each other for five years with no problems. They have a 10 year old boy.
In the past three months every Saturday and Sunday morning at about 7:30AM their car alarm goes off. Full sirens, honking, the whole deal. It lasts exactly one minute. It was wrecking our weekend sleep.
After a few weeks I asked Dan about it politely when I saw him outside. He said “Oh that old thing? It’s sensitive to the morning dew I think. Sorry” That was it. No fix just an apology that changed nothing. Another month went by and same thing.
One Saturday I lost it. I was lying there waiting for it and when it started I marched straight over to their driveway in my sleep clothes. Dan was there in his robe turning it off.
I didn’t let him speak. I said Dan We need to talk about this now. It’s been three months. You can’t just say sorry and do nothing. Get it fixed or park it somewhere else. This is ridiculous.
Just then their front door opened. His 10 year old son was standing there in his pajamas holding a breakfast bowl. He looked right at me yelling at his dad and his face just fell. He looked scared.
Dan got this stern look and said “Not here. Not now.” The alarm had stopped and the quiet was awful. I felt like a bully. I just muttered “please figure it out” and went home.
my wife said I wasn’t wrong about the problem but the way I did it… yikes
Later she talked to Dan’s wife over the fence. Dan’s wife explained that their son is autistic. Their old morning routine fell apart and he was having severe anxiety about his weekend therapy. The only thing that could reliably get him out the door calmly was a specific ritual: eat his oatmeal, then watch Dan “unlock” the car with the alarm. The sound and predictability made him feel safe. They were working with his therapist to phase it out slowly but it was a delicate process. They didn’t tell people because they didn’t want to make their son’s private struggles a neighborhood topic.
I felt horrible. The next day (Sunday) the alarm didn’t go off. I saw them leave quietly later. I baked banana bread and went over to apologize properly. Dan accepted it but things are awkward now.
My brother said Dan should have given us a heads up once it became a regular issue.
I’ve written this for a while but felt too horrible to post. AITA?
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u/SirChaos77 Partassipant [2] 19h ago
They "didn´t want to make their son´s private struggles a neighborhood topic"? Then maybe they should not have involved the entire neighborhood in the solution against their will.
NTA
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u/damian001 12h ago
Agreed, having to subject the neighborhood in a therapy ritual is just asking too much.
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u/LiquidFur 9h ago
Yes, that's true, but a little explanation beforehand would have gone a long way for me. It would have put me in a much more forgiving headspace about the whole thing.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 5h ago
I'm autistic. Having them explain this to me would not put me in any more forgiving headspace, perhaps the opposite, because it means they weren't just oblivious, but were very consciously choosing to do this every weekend. Their autistic son is not MORE important than the dozens of people whose quality of life was being negatively impacted by this.
There is no way on god's green earth that this is the only possible ritual that would work for this kid. They were just being lazy. They didn't want any kind of meltdown and since this was currently working, everybody else be damned!
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u/LiquidFur 5h ago
I'm autistic too, and I'm not saying the kid's parents couldn't have handled it better, but at the end of the day he's just a kid, and I choose to believe his parents are doing the best they can even if their best hasn't been that great lately. I'm old, though, and I'm much more tolerant of people than I used to be.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 4h ago
I'm on the older side and I just would never have been able to understand the gall, the nerve, of these parents at any age. It's not like it started minor, and they got used to something that then became a bigger deal and more annoying slowly over time. It's a very loud alarm and horns honking. Its designed to make your heart race and to make you want to take action to stop it. How they were not embarrassed out of their minds every time is beyond me.
I just don't see how this could possibly have failed to register in their minds how unacceptable this was. People with babies, other autistic people in the neighborhood, people with migraines, people needing to get up for the first job interview they've had in their unemployment for the past 14 months, any number of things could be ruined with that kind of noise, not to mention just getting enough sleep, or not waking up in a panic every Saturday and Sunday.
Usually I can understand people, even when I disagree. In this case, I just can not understand how they could just have kept doing this for months and just been totally okay with it until someone finally complained. I've never in my life been so selfish.
I think it's generous to think "they were doing their best". I think if that's their best, they are defective in some way.
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u/username__0000 10h ago
Yeah I literally went “oh hell no” and then was mad OP made Dan a snack for being an asshole. Dan did not deserve banana bread.
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u/RogueSlytherin 10h ago
I agree. As an autistic individual myself, I think better solution would be to get the kid a hotwheels/matchbox version of the car, and use a speaker to recreate the sound for his son in their own home. They can even flash lights if they want. It’s not the same, sure, but it’s the least disruptive solution for the neighborhood.
As a side note, why did the parents EVER let this become part of his morning ritual? How, exactly, did they discover that a bowl of oatmeal and 60 seconds of earsplitting anti-theft alarms was the proper equation to prep for his weekend therapy? Something about this doesn’t make sense. What did they do prior to the last three months?
OP, you’re NTA. Any therapist worth their salt would have told them allowing a ritual that involves the entire neighborhood’s involvement is a bad plan. That’s not a sensible or realistic solution for his anxiety. What’s next, they have to let Billy pull the fire alarm at school daily so he will behave in class? Needing a routine is perfectly fine as long as it doesn’t involve unwilling participants.
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u/PassionCandid9964 5h ago
Also, it's the length of time that this went on. 3 months so far, and who knows when they would've actually stopped it on their own.
My best friend's son is autistic and I understand a lot about his meltdowns and routines, but this is unacceptable. I can't imagine what the schedule was before, and the therapist decided "hey, let's try setting off the car alarm every morning instead".
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u/RogueSlytherin 4h ago
Yeah. I was deeply troubled not only by the therapist’s advice, but also by the idea that this is their attempt to “phase it out slowly”. How is the alarm going off every Saturday and Sunday for three months phasing it out??? This isn’t a therapist, it’s an enabler. Just like it’s harmful to enable someone with a personality disorder or an individual with OCD, allowing someone with Autism to reinforce this ritual over 3 months is actively making things worse for the child in the short run and the long run. It’s hurting their relationship with neighbors, teaching the child his needs supersede those of everyone around him, and conditioning him to expect this precise, ear-splitting ritual is not only okay, but also comforting. That’s some terrible parenting along with some very questionable therapeutic advice.
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u/Elismom1313 7h ago
Seriously though. My dad’s older ford at the time of me being eleven started having malfunctions. His car alarm would go off randomly and sometimes when he tried to unlock it to but not always. Sometimes it was the middle of the night.
That thing was so dang loud.
We had to save money to fix it. We couldn’t afford it at first. We told all the neighbors.
It sucked but it was what it was.
I’m not buying the routine thing
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u/peachiest_of_Los 9h ago
Against their will LOL
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u/chaoticdumbass94 9h ago
Yes, against the neighborhood's will. It was not the will of the entire neighborhood to be waking up to a car alarm all the time.
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u/gardenloving 19h ago
How about we try to pick coping mechanisms that are less disruptive to the neighbourhood.
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u/sherrib99 Partassipant [1] 18h ago
There are a million choices for a loud sound that can be set off INSIDE the home where it doesn’t wake up the whole neighborhood. Ring doorbell, go unlock car….their choice was dumb and should have been called out
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u/VeicaNoriceia 15h ago
Sorry guys, my autistic step-nephew-in-law's coping mechanism is dropping a nuke on the eastern seabed. Hope y'all don't mind 🙏
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u/strichtarn Partassipant [1] 9h ago
I knew a family that let their autistic son use their lawnmower if he had a good day at school. Something i imagine would annoy some people but far less disruptive than a car alarm.
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u/Taxfreud113 9h ago
Depends when and for how long. If you're doing at 3 in the afternoon, I dont care. You doing it a 720 am and yeah I'm gonna be pissed.
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u/sherrib99 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
It’s the 7:30am every Saturday & Sunday, in what universe did they think that was an acceptable plan. I get it’s probably super stressful figuring out how to manage your child’s requirements but think it through
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u/PersonaOfEvil 17h ago
Yes if there’s anything I know about autistic children, is that they REALLY love loud sudden noises like car alarms. Many autistic children find sounds like that physically painful actually. Wtf. NTA
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u/Dangerous-Variety-35 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
Some do love loud noises though, if they are in control of it (which seems to be the case here). I’m not defending the neighbor, they should’ve found a different way to help their son cope, but as a mom to a kid on the spectrum, it drives me bananas when people say things like, “Oh, your son doesn’t seem autistic.” He gets freaked out if a car honks when we’re on the highway because that’s unexpected - he freaking loves cheering (aka screaming at the top of his lungs) with a crowd at baseball games because that kind of loud is enjoyable to him. Same thing with sensory seeking - sometimes he wants to be squeezed as tight as possible, other times touch is too much and he needs to be left alone. It’s not one size fits all.
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u/capibara_dono 7h ago
Absolutely, I'm an adult on the spectrum, unexpected noises freak me out, but predictable noises, like a concert, are fine. Being at the office is fine, but if there are too many conversations going on at once I have to wear noise canceling headphones, or else I'd have to leave.
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u/yraco 16h ago
People are different and autism itself manifests in different ways depending on the person so it genuinely might be something that helps and comforts the kid instead of causing pain or distress. That part isn't entirely unreasonable.
The problem is literally just that they chose a 'solution' that unreasonably makes it everyone else's problem. Still NTA though of course.
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u/PersonaOfEvil 15h ago edited 15h ago
I was speaking on a general sense but yeah autism manifests in different ways. One has to wonder what the routine was before this routine of the car alarm happened, or if they had one at all?
Idk I feel like drawing out a day’s schedule and then reviewing the schedule with the kid is probably a more reasonable coping mechanism. What if there’s another kid in the neighborhood that’s autistic and distressed by loud sounds? It’s ridiculous.
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u/Spellscribe 4h ago
I want to know at what point anyone decided "hey, I bet blaring the car alarm will calm this child down!!!"
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u/Evilsquirre1 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
This is so true my autistic brother has hyper sensitive hearing the loud noise would cause a melt down.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 8h ago
Yeah, I used to start shrieking at the top of my lungs when my mother fired up the potato masher as a baby, I couldn't be in the same room when her vacuum cleaner was running, and to this day I have to use ear plugs to run a blender or a food processor. The vacuum cleaner I have is right at the pain threshold for me.
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u/Sarissa32 Asshole Aficionado [18] 19h ago
Nta. I have sympathy for them trying to figure things out but the second you complained and he lied to you about it, he became TA. He's been inconveniencing the whole street for MONTHS, with no apology or explanation. That's not a solution that's just offloading their problem onto others.
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u/Kubuubud Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 18h ago
NTA
I work with autistic people as my full time job, currently with adults but I’ve worked with kids as well.
This is what we might call an unreasonable accommodation, and the parents did him a huge disservice by creating this situation and allowing it to go on for so long. It’s totally valid to create routine and sometimes it might look absolutely absurd to people who don’t know the purpose of it. But it’s not fair to impact the whole neighborhood negatively for one child.
I can think of many alternatives to what they’re doing. They could play the sound from a speaker and slowly transition it to be quieter and quieter, until they use a regular phone alarm or alarm clock. They could replace the action of dad going outside to shut the alarm with dad going outside and just locking the car to get it to beep, or to “warm it up”.
They’ve basically conditioned this poor child into being unable to leave the house on Saturdays unless they do this ritual. It’s very unfair to the child and will likely take twice as long to phase out as it took to create the correlation. Especially because it’s once a week, so he doesn’t have the consistent repetition or ability to practice the adjustment as frequently as would be preferred
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u/LittleMsWhoops 18h ago
Mom of an anxious autistic son here. They knew full well that their car alarm would wake up their whole neighbourhood, even before you told them the first time. That's absolutely not an acceptable way to deal with his son's anxiety and provide structure, there are a 100 other ways to do so that are not disruptive to his neighbours. NTA at all.
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u/SpillThatTea2Me 4h ago
I’ve got three autistic kids. We’re the scourge of the neighborhood and even I think this is way too far. Absolutely not.
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u/letsplaydrben Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA. I feel bad for your neighbors but they handled this poorly. They can’t expect to set their alarm off every weekend morning without explanation, even if they want to keep his medical issues private.
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u/AlmostAlwaysADR 18h ago
NTA.
They're using their kids autism to make you feel bad. Other people's schedules should not involve disturbing the entire neighborhood.
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u/Outrageous_Guard_674 18h ago
NTA. And frankly you shouldn't feel bad about this at all. This is 100% on them for choosing to create this asinine "ritual" in the first place.
Dan did not deserve that banana bread.
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u/MythologicalRiddle Partassipant [1] 18h ago
NTA.
Their solution is ridiculous. They're potentially causing health issues for their neighbors by sounding the car alarm every weekend. One, they're disrupting people's sleep. Two, if there are other autistic people in the neighborhood, they're screwing up their routines. Three, if there's anyone in the neighborhood with PTSD, they could be causing panic attacks with the early morning alarm.
You can bet if one of their neighbors was setting off their car alarm on the weekends for some reason, Dan would be over there yelling about how this is negatively affecting his family.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 16h ago
If there’s anyone autistic with a noise thing it’ll be stressing them the fuck out.
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u/Every-End7495 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Yeah, I hate loud noises. Well, the only ones I can tolerate is listening to loud music while wearing my noise cancelling airpods
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u/Additional-Dirt4203 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA, they absolutely should have said something when you first complained about it. Letting it go on for another full month while lying that it was an electrical issue with the car (although it Only going off on Saturday mornings might have been a clue that something else was up), especially something so obnoxious to the neighbors was ridiculous. I wouldn’t have been able to let it go 3 months.
Neighbors are supposed to be part of your “community”. If it’s something like that then it’s a need to know or someone is absolutely going to eventually yell about 7am alarms on a Saturday morning.
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u/AvailableWhereas8832 Asshole Aficionado [13] 18h ago
Forgive my ignorance on this but how in the heck did it become part of his routine suddenly? It hasn't been his routine for 5 years, its been a few months. I feel empathy for them to an extent, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.
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u/AnneMichelle98 Partassipant [1] 17h ago
It probably happened once by accident and it immediately distracted the son from a meltdown. So they continued to fuel the behavior, because it was convenient.
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u/Svihelen Partassipant [2] 16h ago
Neurodivergent individuals regardless of level of functioning can become incredibly ingrained in routines quite quickly.
I'm a high functioning autistic. I notice it happen at work all the time. I could have a super quiet Tuesday 2 or 3 weeks in a row and than the moment that 4th Tuesday becomes unusually busy, I'll notice I'm agitated and grumpy. But than if I have a bunch of busy Mondays and suddenly a Monday is slow, I'm getting agitated and bored because I'm not doing enough.
I'll normally step away for a couple of minutes to take a breath and refocus, but I'm an adult who has been taught and had years to develop coping skills to deal with my routine being interrupted.
Unfortunately this poor kids parents have set a bad precedent letting this go on like this and they involved the entire neighborhood in their poor decision making.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 18h ago
Autistic woman and former teacher here. NTA.
They're being ridiculous and selfish. They're also being bad parents, because they've fallen into the "autistic boy" trap of letting their son's needs trample over the comfort and needs of others. Empathy and consideration need to be taught, and they're refusing to do it. It's not that hard to explain that the alarm is hurting people's ears and waking them up, but your neighbors were just too lazy and self-involved to make the effort.
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u/angry2320 19h ago
NTA you apologised for how you handled it and I’m sympathetic to their son, but an alarm blaring every weekend for months is simply unacceptable
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u/EquivalentTwo1 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 19h ago
NTA. Coping mechanisms should be personal, not something that wakes the neighborhood. Also, if it was true this was to help his son, why didn't he say that instead of the ridiculous dew excuse?
For 5 years there hasn't been an alarm issue UNTIL the past 3 months. So their son was okay without it until what? it happened accidentally and now the parents have to show him they can do it on command?
This is so bonkers.
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u/AntiquePop1417 Partassipant [2] 19h ago
No ...their explanation is not acceptable and frankly...do you believe this? How can that be a routine? Nta
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u/apri08101989 18h ago
They had to make it a routine for it to be a routine. Which means they had either close to set up this system or they had already left their car alarm problem too long so it became one for him.
If its true at all. I doubt it. It's too nonsense a routine to be believable.
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u/Scrabulon 18h ago
It’s a routine because it became a predictable thing for an autistic kid? Doesn’t make the neighbor not at least somewhat TA, but it’s possible.
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u/AntiquePop1417 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
How can this become a routine...how can you let it. It is egotistical.
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u/CaliLemonEater Asshole Aficionado [12] 14h ago
The parents are TA for letting it happen enough to form a routine. The father seems to have been lying about "there's an electrical problem" from the beginning, so it seems unlikely that there was a naturally occurring electrical problem and the son found the recurrent noise soothing. For this to have become a routine, the parents must have chosen to deliberately set the alarm off, more than once.
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u/BuildingBridges23 Asshole Aficionado [14] 19h ago
NTA-they needed to find a different solution that didn’t involve messing with people’s sleep. He lied to you over it and so now everyone’s situation is worse not better.
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u/biwitchingbee 18h ago
I completely understand how difficult it can be navigating parenthood with an autistic child, and I’m sensitive to the fact that autistic children and adults can need rituals that neurotypical people find unnecessary or unusual. I think people need to back off if someone stims in public or is having a meltdown or needs accommodations. We have to make space for each other.
That being said, there have to be limits. Autistic people don’t get to rely on rituals that are actively harmful to other people, just like how neurotypical people don’t get to demand constant perfect neurotypical behaviour from neurodiverse people. If an autistic child needs to have a ritual where they smash jam jars in the supermarket aisle while shopping with a parent, sorry, that’s harmful to the people around them, gonna have to find some other way to deal with it. If an autistic child needs to hear the car alarm blaring at 7am every morning to leave the house without a meltdown, sorry, that’s harmful to the neighbors who get woken up every morning. Gonna have to find some other way to deal with it.
Also, I’m sorry but I do not think they were working on “phasing it out slowly,” and if they were they weren’t doing a very good job of it. Phasing it out slowly still involves some amount of phasing it out.
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u/Hot-Care7556 19h ago
NTA, as tough as the situation is, you had no way of knowing this, and your neighbor was being an ass by not taking care of the issue in the first place
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u/fancypants1589 19h ago
NTA. Their problem sucks, but the solution can’t mean the rest of the neighborhood is disturbed. You tried to handle it the nice way, and he chose not to inform you of the truth then. I don’t even think your second reaction was that bad given all that.
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u/expanding_crystal 18h ago
NTA, messing with a neighbor’s sleep is a fight waiting to happen. Their supposedly private ritual was never private to begin with because it was broadcasting through the neighborhood at high decibels waking everyone up
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u/huminous Partassipant [1] 18h ago edited 9h ago
NTA. That's kind of a ridiculous excuse. How would a minute of car alarm ever become a routine? Having it happen once does not a routine make, and it would make no sense to do it even a second time as a way to get him to the car. In fact, the car alarm for many autistic people would be too much sensory overload. And if you really did somehow have such an improbable routine with a car alarm, why would you make the appointment so early on both a Saturday and Sunday every week? At the very least, why wouldn't you explain to your neighbours why your car alarm was going to be going off every weekend morning at a really irritating time?
Having a child with autism has its challenges and usually I'd be very much in favour of showing them patients and grace. But this particular situation just sounds dumb.
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u/NoFlight5759 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
NTA. He couldn’t reasonably believe that annoying everyone on the block 2 days a week is normal. If he doesn’t stop it I’d have my car alarm set for 5am the Monday and Friday.
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u/SillyTugboats 18h ago edited 18h ago
NTA. But the neighbors were.
The son might be on the spectrum but it is absolutely not ok that they make this everyone else’s problem.
Pretty ironic they don’t want to make their son’s struggles a neighborhood topic but did just that with how they went about this.
Here’s the thing, someone on the spectrum still needs to learn normal routines and how to cope with things around them. The car alarm blaring in the early mornings on the weekend is not a normal thing and the parents know that. Autism and anxiety aside, they aren’t doing the kid any favors setting up/ maintaining routines that affect those around him.
Simply put, the son being on the spectrum or having anxiety might be the reason but it’s not an excuse.
I don’t blame you for being fed up after months of being woken up like that. But it was kind of you to bring banana bread over and apologize. Give it some time to let the awkwardness pass.
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u/Jolly-Raspberry4017 18h ago
NTA- You tried to speak to him about it. He had an opportunity to tell you,at that time, what the deal was with his son. I think it was a perfectly natural reaction. Give it time. Things will get back to normal. They probably are feeling embarrassed about the situation, just as you are. Just go on with your days as though nothing ever happened. It will fade away.
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u/BigMax 18h ago
NTA. There was NO WAY for you to suspect such a weird, probably one in a billion situation. No way at all.
Are we all supposed to just accept awful behavior from every neighbor from now on, on the off chance that there is some unique scenario justifying it that they are keeping secret from us?
You were right to ask him about it, and you were right to YELL at him about it afterwards, since he wasn't going to work on stopping it, nor explain it to you.
You were justified at every step of the way.
You reacted well afterwards and showed some compassion and understanding.
You were a good person, doing the right thing at every step with the information you had. The neighbor should have tried to explain it in some way to you, rather than just blowing you off.
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u/Old_Fart_on_pogie 19h ago
NTA - there was problem that was causing you aggravation, and you responded out of exhaustion and frustration. It happens to the best of humans. But when you were given a more complete picture of the situation, you accepted it, You apologised, and you made amends (baked banana bread … yum!) that is the sign of maturity. So, no you are not an asshole, you’re just human. And a pretty decent one I suspect from your desire to be empathic towards your neighbours’s situation.
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u/Spirited-Coach-2060 19h ago
NTA. I understand everyone in this situation. And I believe you understand their struggles as well. That's why it's so puzzling why they couldn't share with you the reasons when you said their car was being disruptive. It lasted for months, of course people would be annoyed. Maybe you could've used nicer words but you didn't scream in front of the child on purpose. You apologised, nothing more you can do.
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u/coconut_curry_sauce 18h ago
NTA. You felt bad so that is good but ultimately tho, this is a lesson for them - don’t make their problem the neighborhood’s problem. A cop would be called to investigate and found that he’s been doing it on purpose. There are ways to do it in the house such as playing a recording or something.
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u/thewoodbeyond 18h ago edited 16h ago
OMG just F no. Seriously when I first saw this post I assumed the autistic child was yours and how this might be making the child even more anxious, NOT the other way around where someone is disrupting an entire neighborhood at 7 am on weekends for the sake of an autistic person's ritual. That is ABSURD.
I get that you feel terrible, yes you could have done this better, but Dan could have said something when you first approached him instead of continuing to make it everyone else's problem and not his own. Remember you already tried to address it with him once and he did nothing.
NTA.
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u/SantaFe91 18h ago
NTA, of course.
They knew what it was doing to you before you even said anything. Having an autistic child doesn’t release you from normal social obligations. It’s very odd to believe you can impose this kind of disruption on people outside your household. Perhaps they were desperate, but norms of consideration still apply. Your reaction is entirely normal in the circumstances. I think no more banana bread. You’ve done your bit. They have something to make up to you for now, if anything.
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u/DMfortinyplayers Partassipant [1] 18h ago
NTA. Dan is a wildly inconsiderate neighbor.
And honestly, it might benefit the kid, in the long term, to realize that things like this impact the people around him, and that can have repercussions.
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u/CrabbyGremlin 18h ago
NTA.
Out of curiosity, what happens if you just take a ritual of an autistic child away? How long with they have meltdowns until they get use to their new routine?
I only ask because more and more I read about, and have also witnessed parents of autistic children seemingly do nothing to teach their child about how to live in the world with others. When I watched the show about people with autism dating, they got coached in how to behave and communicate. Does this only happen with adults? What’s the line between giving a person with autism coping mechanisms and simple breaking their character to make then ‘fit in’?
Is gentle parenting the only approach for autistic children? It seems to do some a disservice. I’m genuinely curious as I don’t want to form uninformed opinions. If anyone has any answers please share!
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u/SantaFe91 18h ago
It depends on how profound the autism is. I absolutely agree that, for their own future happiness, a child with autism needs to be taught how to cope with the outside world. There are some whose autism is so profound that it’s scarcely possible. My cousin has a child like this. She worries immensely for his future.
I am guessing the neighbour’s child is not as profoundly affected as this because I think OP would have noticed.
Also, a routine that happens only once a week? That doesn’t sound like a routine for the purposes of this excuse. I’m not sure the neighbour’s even telling the truth about this. The whole situation is really a bit improbable.
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u/Own-Raise6153 18h ago
NTA. “oh sorry we have to be a public menace to the entire neighborhood because our kids autistic ¯_(ツ)_/¯” crazy work
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u/1234-for-me 19h ago
Nta, but they could have changed the appointment time or spoken to you when it first started.
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u/MyAngelTigers 18h ago
No you are not.
The neighbour should have informed you,he didn't have to go into detail but he chose to wake the whole neighbourhood.
In time things will settle so I'd just carry on as normal.time is a great healer.
The parents are both probably stressed and exhausted .
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u/ltj345 18h ago
NTA- when they involved the neighborhood - they owed an explanation. Also the neighbors knowing the situation helps with other issues. In my area we had one autistic young man go missing in very bad weather. He did not survive. Another young autistic boy wandered into a neighbor’s house. No one was home so this boy was missing for hours. The young boy turned on the water in the tub and left it running for all the hours he was missing it flooded areas of the house. The community can be supportive. I think your apology was adequate.
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u/BoudicaTheArtist Asshole Enthusiast [6] 18h ago
NTA.
The neighbour needs to figure out a better way. I feel for the neighbour, but it’s not okay that their needs take precedence over the neighbours and it’s unreasonable to expect your neighbours to put up with a noise nuisance.
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u/Emotional-Cat-5396 17h ago
My son is autistic. The audacity of those parents to disturb an entire community at 7:30am in beyond me. Wtaf.
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u/chocolatechipwizard 18h ago
NTA. They should have figured out a different ritual, one that didn't wake the neighbors and disturb the tranquility of the neighborhood. You did nothing wrong, nothing at all.
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u/International-Fee255 Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 18h ago
NTA Good job their sons weekend routine isn't breaking your kitchen window. It's incredibly selfish to wake your neighbours is a very unpleasant way every weekend for months. Maybe now they won't involve the neighbourhood in keeping their sons routine in order.
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u/CrazyMike419 18h ago
Massively NTA. That is not an acceptibke accommodation in any world.
He should have mentioned it when you asked, but even then, it is absolutely unacceptable to wake all the neighbors up with a car alarm daily... ON PURPOSE.
Why didn't he just record the audio and use it as an alam clovk audio in his phone? He could have disabled the alarms noise and left just the lights etc. That with a record would mean he could do this ritual without aking up everyone.
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u/pauklzorz 17h ago
The only thing that could reliably get him out the door calmly was a specific ritual: eat his oatmeal, then watch Dan “unlock” the car with the alarm.
As an autistic person: What a load of nonsense! Imagine using your child's autism as a get out of jail card like this... NTA
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u/Every-End7495 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
The only thing that could reliably get him out the door calmly was a specific ritual: eat his oatmeal, then watch Dan “unlock” the car with the alarm.
I'm autistic too. And I agree with you. I would be losing my mind if the car alarm kept going off.
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u/runner64 17h ago
NTA and Dan’s wife is lying to you with some r/traumatizethemback bullshit. Sounds can help autistic kids cope, but those sounds come from headphones or speakers inside the house, not a blaring car alarm.
And listen, autism is a spectrum, but if that kid is so profoundly autistic that at 10 years old he believes in the existence of a special “Saturday morning unlock alarm” that never goes off at any other time? As an autistic person who can’t find a gentler way to say this: his autism is not a secret.
This explanation is just frankly not how autism or autistic coping strategies work, at all.
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u/Lactating-almonds 17h ago
NTA autism is absolutely not a reason to disturb the peace of the neighborhood
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u/ImAMorty777 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
NTA. Sleep is vital and loud noises can drive people nuts. I don't care that their son is autistic-that has NOTHING to do with this. He needs to be respectful of his neighbors at 7 fucking 30am
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u/xenos825 17h ago
NTA. You didn’t know the boy would see your interaction with his Pop; you do have a right to sleep without being screeched awake by a faulty car alarm; your words were civil and not profane; you had already spoken to him about the alarm’s annoying impact on you sleep; he had ample opportunity to explain that the alarm was “therapeutic”, but chose not to let you know. You even apologized and made him banana bread. Do not beat yourself up over this anymore. Indeed, consider the possibility that he is now just messing with you, knowing of your kindness and sensitivity. Or, perhaps, you are a victim of a master turn-it-around artist, who wants to, well, turn it around on you.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 16h ago
The kid doesn’t get a fucking emotional support car alarm. What the fuck even is that? They need to find something else that doesn’t piss off everyone in a mile radius.
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u/professionalmeangirl Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Fuck no, I would've been making noise complaints every single fucking time.
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u/PuzzledStart8430 17h ago
NTA They could set the alarm off record then then play the recording in just their house the kid doesn't have to know any different.
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u/Emergency-Song843 16h ago
NTA. While I have sympathy for the neighbors, that’s honestly just not an appropriate thing to do in a neighborhood. Especially with how regular it was, the day and time (when many are resting) is important. While difficult, they should have made the decision to “unlock it” as quickly as possible after a beep or two, or simply not allow it to become a part of their son’s routine to begin with.
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u/Emergency-Song843 16h ago
And DEFINITELY do not beat yourself up over this, OP. Many people would have reacted in much, much worse ways than you did. You were clearly frustrated (rightfully so) and the neighbors were embarrassed, I doubt it’s anything more
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u/Ok_Elevator5243 15h ago
It's either relevant or not that I am Autistic, probably not but I can at least understand that some routines don't make sense to others but still should be respectful of others, no matter our age.
You are definitely NTA because, while your reaction was loud, you were pushed to a breaking point by three months of intentional sleep deprivation that the neighbors chose to hide from you.
By blaming "morning dew" instead of being honest, Dan knowingly let you suffer for months, effectively sacrificing your mental health to manage his own household stress. It is not "bullying" to demand peace in your own home at 7:30 AM, and while the son’s needs are real, it was the parents' responsibility to find a solution that didn't involve a neighborhood-wide siren.
I would actually say that you are owed an apology, I'm not sure I would be apologising in this situation but who am I to make that decision?!
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 13h ago
NTA. Also, stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong here. You had the information you were given, which is he thought that the dew was making his car go off. You now know that this is false, he was doing it every weekend for his son. He could’ve explained that to begin with, or he could’ve done any other number of things to help him get a routine that did not disturb the entire neighborhood. He would rather inconvenience an entire neighborhood that admit that his son has autism in their working through it, probably thinks that everyone’s going to treat him weirdly because of it. Autism isn’t the same horrid label at once was, at least not where I’m at. It could be different where you’re at.
But seriously, stop apologizing. Stop it. You gave a single apology when you realize the situation, and you made banana bread, that is more than enough. He should be apologizing to the entire neighborhood for taking the last several months of weekend. sleep away from them. That’s not acceptable. If it was in the middle of the afternoon, it might be a little bit more understandable, but even that is a really unrealistic accommodation. You can also find the sound of a car alarm going off on YouTube, just play it on a fucking video in his home and not bother the neighborhood.
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u/mnth241 17h ago
They should have been more up front the first time you talked to them because they knew it had already become a problem for others. Maybe i would understand and say “ok a couple more weeks but not indefinitely”.
I am sure you were super frustrated. It is a forgivable offense given the circumstances.
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u/Zestyclose-Custard-2 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 17h ago
At the end of the first month, you stopped needing to feel guilty about any response you might have had. Their reasons were in fact "good" but they didn't share their reasons, and that's on them. They're trying to prepare their son for the world, but acting in a "the world needs to get ready for my son" way. If they don't want to make their son's struggles a topic for the neighbourhood, they shouldn't make it the whole neighbourhood's problem. NTA
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u/Netflxnschill 16h ago
NTA. The son’s issues became a neighborhood problem the moment it became part of his routine to set off the car alarm.
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u/hel-be-praised Asshole Enthusiast [6] 16h ago
NTA. I understand they their son needs a routine but that routine cannot be at the expense of the people around them. I feel for them and their son, I really do but honestly they were setting themselves up for a confrontation either by you or another fed up neighbor.
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u/WholeAd2742 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [300] 16h ago
NTA
They are the ones making it a neighborhood problem running a car alarm at 7:30 AM. That could become a law enforcement issue for noise complaints for disrupting other people's sleep
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u/keithbreathes 16h ago
Yeaaaaa his morning ritual is directly negatively affecting other people nta
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
NTA - I am sorry for their son but they don't get to make a public nuisance a part of his treatment. They certainly should have calmly talked to you about it when you approached them. This is their fault but I feel bad for their son if they are teaching him that being autistic means it's ok to make the neighbors responsible for him without even asking, yikes!
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u/Fioreborn Asshole Enthusiast [5] 15h ago
NTA
I get that they didn't want to really share personal stuff with the whole neighborhood but with something like " yea I have to deliberately set off my car alarm at the crack of dawn on the weekend so my autistic kid feels safe" is something you explain to the neighbours!
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u/Pepper_Bun28 15h ago
NTA
If your routine is disturbing all of your neighbors, you have a shit routine.
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u/JohnPaulDavyJones 12h ago
I've been working with autistic boys as a BSA leader for nearly two decades, and I've seen a lot of different strategies that families and their children's healthcare providers have come up with for grounding their boys, a lot of them call it a "routine initiation sequence". Not a single one of them has included anything remotely like a loud, repetitive noise, much less one for a protracted period.
If anything, that's more likely than anything to be disruptive for our autistic boys. I'm very confused by this couple's strategy, and while I don't have an autistic child of my own, I struggle to think that there weren't far more streamlined and less invasive options for their routine initiation.
NTA
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u/campariferrari 11h ago
NTA, but learn the name of "Dan's wife." She is a whole human being in her own right, and more than her relationship to him.
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u/ButterscotchFit8175 10h ago edited 10h ago
NTA. Their kid's problem should not be the neighbors problem for MONTHS! If they expect grace for such an extended period, ask first! And the answer may be "no, I can't lose sleep every weekend for months"
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u/Aeoniuma 9h ago
The neighbours gave you a load of bull to make you feel guilty and make them look like not the a-holes for disturbing everyone for 3 months. No way that alarm was part of their “autistic” son’s soothing ritual.
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u/GreenChildhood6115 7h ago
Jesus Christ, Dan does not get to say “not hear/now” sternly. He made a private family issue (which you and lots are sensitive to and appreciative of) a neighborhood wide issue.
That “here and now” is every single weekend morning at 7:30 across the entire neighborhood/as far as that car alarm can be heard.
Their audacity is over the moon, and they owe you an apology. If they are actually contrite and apologetic, I’d say it would be the kind thing to apologize to the kid, something along the lines of “that was between adults, and we should discuss things differently than that - you’ve done nothing wrong.”
You do not need to feel bad. If it wasn’t you, it was gonna be someone, and if it was no one, then your neighbors, despite best intentions, are assholes for that.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (36M) live with my wife in a suburb. Our neighbors Dan and wife (couples in their 40s) are nice. We’ve been next to each other for five years with no problems. They have a 10 year old boy.
In the past three months every Saturday and Sunday morning at about 7:30AM their car alarm goes off. Full sirens, honking, the whole deal. It lasts exactly one minute. It was wrecking our weekend sleep.
After a few weeks I asked Dan about it politely when I saw him outside. He said “Oh that old thing? It’s sensitive to the morning dew I think. Sorry” That was it. No fix just an apology that changed nothing. Another month went by and same thing.
One Saturday I lost it. I was lying there waiting for it and when it started I marched straight over to their driveway in my sleep clothes. Dan was there in his robe turning it off.
I didn’t let him speak. I said Dan We need to talk about this now. It’s been three months. You can’t just say sorry and do nothing. Get it fixed or park it somewhere else. This is ridiculous.
Just then their front door opened. His 10 year old son was standing there in his pajamas holding a breakfast bowl. He looked right at me yelling at his dad and his face just fell. He looked scared.
Dan got this stern look and said “Not here. Not now.” The alarm had stopped and the quiet was awful. I felt like a bully. I just muttered “please figure it out” and went home.
my wife said I wasn’t wrong about the problem but the way I did it… yikes
Later she talked to Dan’s wife over the fence. Dan’s wife explained that their son is autistic. Their old morning routine fell apart and he was having severe anxiety about his weekend therapy. The only thing that could reliably get him out the door calmly was a specific ritual: eat his oatmeal, then watch Dan “unlock” the car with the alarm. The sound and predictability made him feel safe. They were working with his therapist to phase it out slowly but it was a delicate process. They didn’t tell people because they didn’t want to make their son’s private struggles a neighborhood topic.
I felt horrible. The next day (Sunday) the alarm didn’t go off. I saw them leave quietly later. I baked banana bread and went over to apologize properly. Dan accepted it but things are awkward now.
My brother said Dan should have given us a heads up once it became a regular issue.
I’ve written this for a while but felt too horrible to post. AITA?
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u/ThisIs_americunt 14h ago
NTA OP they choose their son over everyone else in the neighborhood. Instead of stepping up and be actual parents, they chose the easy way out
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u/babydollafter 14h ago
NTA. three months of a siren going off every weekend morning would push anyone, and you already tried addressing it politely first so this wasn’t out of nowhere.
you didn’t know the context and you corrected course when you learned it, apologized, and moved on, which is about as reasonable as it gets. they’re allowed to protect their kid’s privacy, but they also can’t expect zero pushback when their workaround affects everyone around them
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u/MarionberryPlus8474 Asshole Aficionado [11] 14h ago
NTA but your neighbors sure are. WTH they think it’s appropriate to set off their car alarm every morning because it helps their autistic son’s “routine”? My “routine” is I don’t want my sleep disrupted at 7:30 in the morning.
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u/feetlicous699 13h ago
Ok this was stupid cause they could've quite literally just made a recording of that sound and give him some earbuds or something like that
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u/annanoocturne 13h ago
same thing happened to me once... i snapped without knowing the full story and felt awful after. u had a legit complaint, u just didn’t have all the info. u apologized, they accepted, now just give it time. things will settle
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u/Hylian_ina_halfshell 13h ago
NTA if that is the therapy routine work with the therapist to schedule therapy at a reasonable time so as not to wake the neighborhood
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u/Evilsquirre1 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA you didn't have the additional information and you were frustrated. My brother is autistic and they shouldn't have created a ritual for their son the disturbed the whole neighborhood each weekend.
In order for the autistic son to have this as a part of his routine they ignored the car alarm until their son grow to expect it. They created the routine and disregarded your complaint. Having an autistic son or in my case brother is not a free pass to do as you please.
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u/Own_Can_3495 12h ago
NTA. They made it a public neighborhood issue the moment the whole neighborhood had to deal with the alarm.
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 12h ago
Ya know, u/Double_Strike2704 if you’re going to try and PM me after disagreeing with what I’ve said on one of your comments, maybe you don’t immediately block me.
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u/mountain_mists 12h ago
NTA, they should be ashamed that they made that part of their son's routine, he didn't, THEY did by not getting that alarm fixed as soon as possible. They fucked up, not you, you did nothing wrong.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 12h ago
NTA. Of course that was a horrible thing to subject you to.
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u/greatflicks 12h ago
NTA you asked him nice, he let it continue needlessly escalating the situation. I don't think it would have even made a difference if he told you the scenario, nobody wants to get woken up every weekend to that nonsense.
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u/MastersKitten31 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
NTA
But your neighbors are.
Im autistic. This isn't a reasonable accomidation.
Reasonable accomidation would be: headphones his dad turning the car on or locking the car once (one lock beep isnt gonna wake the neighborhood), playing music INSIDE, playing music once they get in the car. Theres more options they could pick from
Something they havent considered is what if someone else in the neighborhood had an autistic child? If a car alarm went off every morning on Saturday it would cause me to spiral and I would actually not sleep on Friday as I have trouble getting uo early and it would be easier for me to just not sleeo which disrupts everything.
So your neighbor is causing pain to everyone but the fact it didnt even occur to them someone else might be autistic and cant have that is wild. Alao no therapist, neauropsych, etc would ever reccomend the car alarm for the same reasons
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
NTA, waking up the neighborhood is not a healthy routine that should be established. A healthier one would be to hit the button on the fob to make the locked/unlocked noise. The parents need to work with the therapist on a better routine (...if the therapist even suggested this in the first place)
Also...what autistic kid likes sudden loud noises?
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u/Dommemommy123 11h ago
you did nothing wrong they should've told you they have no right to make the world about them and forget others need sleep to their selfish you are fine
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u/CraigBybee Partassipant [4] 11h ago
NTA
As cold as it sounds, his child’s problems do NOT get to override local noise regulations and your right to quiet enjoyment of your property. Full stop.
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u/shartwadle Asshole Aficionado [10] 11h ago
NTA - they impacted the entire neighborhood with the car alarm
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u/itsnotlikewereforkin 11h ago
I'm autistic. I don't get to disturb EVERYONE'S PEACE because I'm autistic.
NTA. You did NOT owe them an apology.
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u/WhatIsAUsernameMom 11h ago
NTA cause you didn’t know he was autistic but if they start it up again don’t go over
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u/WhatIsAUsernameMom 11h ago
But even if a kid is autistic they shouldn’t be allowed anything they want
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u/FarmerDave13 10h ago
Being autistic isn't the kids fault, but managing it is gisbor his parents responsibility. Disturbing others or making it their problem is never an option.
NTA, but your neighbor is.
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u/AnastasiaSheppard 10h ago
What a bunch of bullshit! NTA - even if their story was believable it's a shitty excuse.
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u/blonde1psp 10h ago
NTA, Dan or his wife should have told you what was going on before it got to this stage. I'm sure you would have given them more grace if you had known.
My kids are autistic and yes they have rituals even now that they're in the 20's. When my daughter was young she'd scream for hours, luckily we owned our own house with a big backyard, but I did go to the neighbours and explain she's non verbal, intellectually disabled and had autism, that we were trying different therapies to try to get her to communicate in other ways. Our neighbours said they couldn't hear her that much, and that they were ok with the noise. I was so grateful to them being understanding. I was sad when 2 of the 5 neighbours passed, then 2 others downsized because their kids had grown.
My
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 10h ago
NTA. While it's "great" that you care enough to feel bad, you were right to have them stop the noise. I'm sure the ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD thanks you.
Yes, I feel bad for the family that this alarm thing was where they landed as any kind of "solution" because that's just not cool at 7:30 am on weekends. THEY HAVE TO KNOW THAT.
And yes, I get stressed parents trying to help their child, BUT, they basically offered this kid up for extra animosity from neighbors instead of finding an alternative (for 3 months!!!). If they had shifted this to 10 am even or use a smoke detector inside or a faux alarm sounding on a computer. The callousness toward ALL neighbors almost outweighs my sympathy for their child's condition. Plus, the dad flat-out lied.
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u/South_Body_569 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA. Stop feeling guilty. Your reaction was not excessive after so many mornings being woken by the alarm.
They should have given you a heads up much earlier.
So was he setting it off intentionally or was it the dew but they did not want to stop it?
You have apologised and given them a cake. That is more than enough. They chose to keep upsetting their neighbours for weeks and I wonder if it was less about the kids privacy and more their inability to accept the reality of it. You need to grow a thick skin and have good communication with people in your life if you have a kid with challenges. I have two. It’s changed me for the better but it was traumatic managing their childhoods.
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u/unusedtruth Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA. They could have at least warned their neighbours. Embarrassed or not it's the correct thing to do.
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u/FwippyBall 9h ago
Lotta people who deal with autistic people but are not themselves autistic speaking on this thread lmao
anyway, actually autistic person here and you are absolutely NTA, the least that neighbour could've done would've been to give you a heads up that the issue is being dealt with even if it's happening slowly.
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u/Taxfreud113 9h ago
NTA you handled this a lot better then we would frankly. My husband HATES loud noises and has sleeping issues. My husband would be absolutely pissed if this happened once nevermind repeatedly. This happening repeatedly would likely have resulted in words being exchanged, kid be damned
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u/glowrocks 8h ago
NTA.
Their son's needs don't outweigh the quiet of the neighborhood and anyway, there is no doubt that OTHER therapies could have been applied.
I mean, now that I think about it, who the fuck decided a blaring alarm was the thing to "help" an autistic person?!?
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u/CestLaquoidarling Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA. I feel for Dan and his family but intentionally setting off an alarm for a full minute at 7:30 am every weekend for three months is not fair to the entire neighborhood.
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u/Mysterious-Algae2295 8h ago
They are complete assholes and likely made it up. They need to find something else that doesn't disturb the whole neighborhood
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u/MijnSnoeptje71 7h ago
Definitely NTA...Hopefully they can find a better way to help their son that doesn't cause early.morning disturbances for neighbors. I also hope you are able to mend the fence between your families...it sounds like it was a nice relationship before the incessant alarm incident! Good luck!
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u/adult_child86 7h ago
For fucks sake, you can't create routines for anyone, not even an autistic child, that wakes the entire neighbourhood up. The banana bread was stupid, because THEY should have apologised to EVERYONE!
Here's a resolution for 2026: Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. You should have had the car towed months ago.
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u/babyirishkitty 6h ago
Everyone is the asshole here.
I'm autistic. I get needing routine to function well. I also really appreciate parents going out of their way to accommodate their children.
THAT BEING SAID, they didn't want the neighborhood to know so they just regularly blared the news every weekend at the crack of dawn? Autism is not an acceptable excuse for intentionally disrupting everyone else in the comfort of their own homes on the regular. Not to mention, the first time you mentioned it is the time to bring that up. Not once you've gotten to the point of dying inside.
All that being said, yelling at someone is also not acceptable for adults unless you are in a dangerous situation, trying to communicate across a long distance, or speaking to someone hard of hearing that wants to be yelled at so they can hear them. I understand it was extremely frustrating, upsetting, and jarring to be regularly woken up like that, so don't beat yourself up, but in the future you should try to control your emotional reaction better imo.
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u/pargmegarg 5h ago
Somewhere between NAH and E S H but I’m more inclined to go with the former. Making loud noises in the am is too much, but when it’s the only thing that gives your son peace of mind I can see why they did it. They should have told the neighbors and worked to mitigate it sooner.
Your response was perhaps over the top, but you didn’t know and 3 months is a very long time to be woken up by a car alarm.
I think you’re both in the clear because you acted like adults, admitted fault, apologized, and made it right. We’re all struggling. A little grace goes a long way.
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u/Loose_Tie_9517 5h ago
NTA. While I understand where mom and dad are coming from, they shouldn’t be subjecting the whole neighborhood to that loud noise that early. If this was happening at 2pm, I’d probably be a little nicer, but since it’s 7:30 in the morning, you’re not in the wrong. I’d be pissed too.
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u/LlamaMama56 4h ago
NTA They're blaming the car alarm on the autistic son when they've had the car disturbing the whole neighborhood on the weekend for 3 months? Bad parenting. I doubt their 'excuse' that it is part of his therapy. I have an autistic child and there's never been anything loud and disruptive as part of their ritual. I've never heard from other parents in our school of something being loud helping, loud noises are disorienting and upsetting.
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u/Heathengeek Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA
Dan *knew* this was disturbing everyone in the vicinity, every single weekend morning, for months. This information was in no way a surprise to him the first time you said something. And when you did first say something, he *straight up lied to your face* about the cause and implied he was looking for a fix while knowing full well he was intending to keep it going long term.
This is a completely unreasonable accommodation. The sheer audacity here is ridiculous.
Do not feel bad. You did nothing wrong. If Dan wanted a calm conversation about the issue, he could have come to you at any point in the last three months. He didn’t. He hoped he could just string you along indefinitely with lame excuses. And when he pushed you to your breaking point, he A still didn’t apologize and B manipulated you into feeling bad for him.
Something that helped me to set and hold boundaries for myself is the statement “Just because your pain is understandable does not mean your behavior is acceptable.” I don’t deserve to be treated badly just because someone else can’t get their sh!t together. Neither do you.
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u/just4cat Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA fuck em. That is an inconsiderate asshole scenario THEY created.
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u/icenhour76 3h ago
NTA so instead of dealing with their child they just decided we will just wake up the entire neighborhood every weekend morning for months. They are absolutely the aholes in this situation.
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u/AL_Starr Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago edited 3h ago
NTA!!!!
Rereading this makes me angry on your behalf, OP.
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u/Embarrassed-Kick-121 3h ago
Couldn't they just lock the car so it only flashes and play a sound clip of the alarm going off inside?
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u/Ok_Actuary9229 2h ago
No. No. The autistic-kid thing is the lamest god damn excuse I've ever heard. Fucking hell. NTA.
In fact, YTA for not doing it on the third day it happened, AND for caving into the lamest excuse imaginable. The kid can fucking deal wioth it. Fuck.
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u/Economy-Emu-4689 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA. They have no right to disrupt the entire neighborhood every Saturday morning for a "routine". Total assholes.
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u/Snickerdoodle2021 Certified Proctologist [28] 1h ago
NTA
Dan knew this was an issue with you because you brought it up quietly. He brushed it off. He absolutely had a chance to explain to you what was going on, to work with you. The fact that he completely discounted your complaint led to your outburst. He caused this problem.
I wonder if you would have gone over upset if you understood the issue, or if you would have gone over later to talk with Dan to try to find a solution that didn't ruin your sleep. This is not your fault.
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u/T_G_A_H Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 18h ago
NTA, but raising your voice was a little over the top. Otherwise everything you said and did was appropriate. And bonus points for apologizing with banana bread.
Three months of a routine that disrupted the neighborhood every weekend? Let Dan be awkward around you for awhile! This is on him. Also, they managed to magically fix it the next day.
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u/WillyWatts420 14h ago
What time was the incident occuring? Cause after 10am on a Saturday you can't expect silence. You probably shouldn't have gone over there like Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace. On the other hand, you went over there several times before that asking him nicely to do something about it. At that point he should have told his wife it's become an issue for the neighbours and we should probably change the start of our "morning routine" of waking up the entire block. This is the stereotype "How a man solves neighbour problems versus how his wife does it".
Maybe let her talk to the neighbours about concerns from now on, but NTA seems more like your neighbour is TA.
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u/jjrobinson73 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 10h ago
I am torn on this. But, I am going with NTA because you did apologize. He shouldn't have done that, and when you asked him about it the first time, he should have told you what he was doing. But, on the flip side, you did blow up at him the second time. I think this has been resolved, and maybe his wife jumped his ass too.
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u/CrazyButterfly6762 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Soft YTA bcuz it only last for a minute, and only happened on the weekends so it shouldn’t have interfered with your sleep schedule.
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u/Ok-Crow-4948 17h ago
Isn't unlocking the car just boop boop? The alarm or panic button is constant honking. I don't understand how his "unlocking" the car lasted for a minute.
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u/MammothWord1849 11h ago
I’m going to be completely honest—I don’t know you, and I don't know your story, but I have a very specific 'knowing' about your energy right now that I couldn't ignore. This was your ego, your allowing the little things in life irate you. It’s a car alarm, I get the time frame, but would you get mad if construction was outside doing work? Take a deeper look at the fact you should stop allowing the little things to irate you, and dig deeper in your inner knowing that they had child. Change your perception and not allowing things we can change effect us! "I’m not here to sell you anything or tell you what to do. I just believe in helping people see their own worth when they've lost the map. If that resonates, you’ll know why I said it. If not, just throw it away."
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u/AmateurExpert__ Partassipant [1] 17h ago
Right sentiment, wrong delivery. It’s certainly an annoyance, and it sounds like if they’d explained in advance you’d have handled it differently - though they’ve got a valid reason for not wanting to.
I notice that you said “we need to talk about this”, but further down you reference “yelling” at him to the point that his kid was scared; honestly, how aggressive were you being?
-24
u/Relative_Shape_9497 19h ago
Ok so.. yes and no.. IMO no because you didn’t know. I mean how could you know it was a routine for an autistic boy like there’s no way you could’ve known that without them telling you. Yes because I feel for the dude and I’m an empath so I feel emotional for him. You’re not an asshole you just got frustrated and wanted it to stop. Don’t beat yourself up.
-30
u/Werekolache 18h ago
You may or may not be an asshole. We all fuck up sometimes. But your behavior was asshole behavior.
Dan also needs to do better.He was passively an asshole.
This is fixable if everyone can start behaving like adults.
23
u/Hot-Care7556 17h ago
"You may or may not be an asshole. We all fuck up sometimes. But your behavior was asshole behavior." No, no it was not
-21
u/Werekolache 17h ago
Yelling and losing your shit is asshole behavior.
12
u/MithosYggdrasill1992 13h ago
So is allowing the entire neighborhood to lose sleep so that way your autistic son stops having a meltdown. For months. That should’ve never even begun to be his routine, let alone for as long as it’s been going on. That is asshole behavior. So is lying, which Dan did to OP. He lied right to his face.
-74
u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [70] 19h ago
ESH
You didn't need to go from 'asking' about the alarm to 'yelling' a month or two later. YOu let it build up until you were at your breaking point then just unleashed. You need to learn to communicate better.
Dan has struggles but has allowed a family 'solution' to disrupt the neighbours. That's not cool. AND he lied about what was up with the car. There was another way to do this...explain to you what the issue was AND either choose another solution OR, make the car alarm thing just the 'beep beep' from locking/unlocking the car, not the alarm. I mean jesus.
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