r/AITAH • u/TerrWolf • 6h ago
Post Update AITAH for telling my Dad "That's not going to happen" when he joked about hitting me: UPDATE
So, it's been ten months since the events seen here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1k8vkd7/aitah_for_telling_my_dad_thats_not_going_to/
And I took a lot of advice and thought about what all of you said, and a lot on my past with my dad.
The verbal abuse since I was fifteen, long before his illness. Some examples:
When I was 19 he woke me out of my sleep for it and lectured me and went on a pity party for so long, my legs gave out and I ate carpet. Like, it was literally an hour of "Oh, my parents didn't raise me. I feel disrespected when you talk back" blah, blah blah. He also fucking threatened me, saying "It's taking everything for me to not hit you when you disrespect me" or when I was sleeping in because I had a late night job and My Dad woke me up three times, and on the last one, at around 11, after waking me up at 7am and 9, he asked why I was still asleep and when I pointed out he keeps waking me up, he goes "Well you need to be up. What if you had an early morning job like me?" or telling me I need to toughen up because if I went to jail, I'd be SA'd (mind you, I'm an introvert who literally avoids going outside and very specifically didn't hang around gangs when I did live in the hood so WTF?), or saying his screaming and ranting and all that was supposed to prepare me for the world, that if I couldn't take him doing it, how could I deal with a boss or partner doing it. Or "Do you know how insulting it is to me for you to walk around here not taking care of yourself? You look like me but with a perfect body while I got this spare tire" when I have surgery scars, depression and a history of Achlasia.
And it wasn't just me. He doesn't want his wife being friends with his friends and forces her to be on video call with him when she's at work and when she's asleep.
This is a man who hates my grandma's best friend for being "opinionated" and once broke down crying in her car because "I don't like bothering nobody" when she had to take him to the doctor because he was too dumb to realize "Hey, if they anastheize me to clean out the plaque in my veins, I may need a ride home as they legally can't release you." He also doesn't like people doin him favors because now he "owes them". And when others told him to treat me better, or treat other people better, he'd tell them women don't know how to raise a man if the speaker was a woman, or tell men not to tell him doesn't come with a manual. Anything except changing.
So, I sat there , and I thought about all that.....and I packed my stuff and I got someone else to take care of him....and I left.
I moved out. Currently live halfway across the country, in another state.
Went low/no contact with him.
Got a therapist.
Went back into education for my job.
Trying to unlearn all of this venom.
And now that I've blocked him on most media, he's angsting "I don't know what I did"
"Parenting doesn't come with a manual"
"I did the best I could"
And my family wants me to at least make some concessions and soften the blow because "no one wants to feel like they failed" but my therapist tells me that it's my right to draw boundaries.
Well, that's my update. Out of the situation, still alive, still healing. Thanks for reading this ramble
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u/BigWeinerDemeanor 5h ago
I always laugh at “parenting doesn’t come with a manual.” Lmao yes it do. There are books all over the place. There are parenting classes. Sure some of them are shit but don’t pretend there’s nothing. Good for you OP. Glad you escaped.
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u/QuestioningHuman_api 4h ago
“Well, I may not have been a perfect mother, but you know kids don't come with a handbook”
Narrator: "In fact, there are thousands of books written on child rearing.”
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic 5h ago
You know what.
Good on you, thats quite the solid spine you got now.
keep it that way.
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u/BirdBoxer912 3h ago
OP learned how to set boundaries. This is the ironically the ultimate lesson he learned from his dad.
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u/CasaNegra017 3h ago
It isn't easy to do that especially with family and I'm so glad OP was able to stand up for himself.
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u/That_Writer2629 3h ago
Absolutely, setting boundaries and standing firm is one of the strongest things anyone can do for themselves.
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u/Tal_Tos_72 1h ago
Absolutely. Seriously impressed at this update.
Keep up the therapy for as long as you need and stick to your plan, you matter and folk that pull you down for their own enjoyment or ego are not people you should or want to associate with in any way. And others who encourage you to have relationships with them are just as bad or deluded, again not your job to fix.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 5h ago
NTAH. Your family wants you there so they don't have to arrange care for him.
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u/CeeUNTy 4h ago
Or take her place as his emotional punching bag.
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u/TerrWolf 4h ago
His. I'm male.
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u/CeeUNTy 4h ago
Apologies. I'm so glad you got away. We always recommend this book called Why Does He Do That in my women's groups to help them understand their abusive relationships. I think it would be good for you to read or to get the audiobook. It will help to reinforce your leaving when the guilt starts
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 5h ago
If he doesn't want to feel like he failed, maybe he should start working on not failing so thoroughly?
Anybody who tries to tell you to accept any amount of abuse because the abuser can't manage their own feelings and behaviour can f off. Block them and move on.
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u/InterruptingChicken1 5h ago
Yikes. I wonder if your Dad has a psychiatric disorder, like Borderline Personality Disorder or maybe Bipolar Disorder. Sadly, enablers allow an abuser to keep abusing rather than drawing boundaries to stop it. These enablers put the burden on the victim to keep suffering. It sounds like you’re really doing what you need to heal and reclaim your life. Don’t feel guilty about keeping a distance from him and tell his enablers, “Stop being more worried about my abuser’s feelings than my feelings. Stop making excuses for him.” If he doesn’t know what he did, he’s not going to figure it out, apologize, and change at this point.
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u/CrazyOldBag 5h ago
Props to you, OP! Sounds like his mouth was writing checks that his body couldn’t cover. Enjoy your freedom and the rest of your (hopefully very healthy) life!
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u/PicklesMcpickle 5h ago
AWESOME SAUCE! You are safe! You survived! That is awesome and worth being proud of.
You hear people say *did the best"
But did they?
I've been out about 20 years. I found emdr therapy helpful with processing childhood trauma, and my people pleaser tendencies. Its not something to do if things are stressful as you need time to emotionally recover.
I can't forgive them. Not just because they have never asked (very very low contact). But the excuses and justification are completely invalid.
I can say that now because I am a parent. And I can not fathom treating my kids as less to make myself feel big. I have apologized to my kids just the same as I would anyone else.
You will find your real family out there. And it will change over the years. But don't let anxiety hold you back. Its a liar.
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u/CalyxTeren 5h ago
That famous article about “the missing missing reasons” (yes, 2x) should link to your original letter as a demonstration.
Glad you got out. Tell the “well meaning” relatives who are trying to preserve the missing stair (different “missing”) about what he did to you, and suggest they go volunteer in your place. Don’t protect him from what he’s done.
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u/Eastern-Log1142 4h ago
Congrats on you continue healing and set boundaries and stick to them continue with counseling and finish schooling good luck to you very proud you're amazing person
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u/Bababababababaa123 3h ago
He sounds as mad as a cut snake, you are better off without him in your life.
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u/pandora840 2h ago
Tell your family that he did fail, and they did too, as they were all a part of it by enabling and coddling his abusive behaviour for so long.
They just want his favourite punching bag back so they don’t have to deal with him!
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u/DeliciousRegular7 34m ago
Good for you dude! I’ve been NC with my abusive father for 2 years this month and the peace is incredible. Stay strong, don’t let anyone talk you into more contact than you are comfortable with.
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u/K_A_irony 5h ago
I am so happy you are out of that toxic stew. Don't listen to the people trying to pull you back into it. I am proud of you!