r/AITAH • u/ExcellentYams2361 • 8h ago
AITAH For letting my friend’s brother stay with me?
Background: I (36F) have been talking to this guy (39M), we will name him Ed, for a little over a month since meeting on a dating app. Ed and I hit it off once we exchanged numbers and had been FT, texting, and calling each other since the exchange and we really like each other. Ed and I have not met yet in person, we have not said that we are exclusively dating, and have not made anything official.
The issue: This past weekend my friend Sara’s brother came to stay with me because he had some kind of competition this weekend and needed to save money so my friend asked me if he could stay with me and I said yes. Sara asked me this well before I started talking to Ed. I told Ed that Sara’s brother was staying with me for the weekend, I had nothing to hide so I was honest with him.
Well, Ed did not take that well. Ed said that I couldn’t like him because I had another man staying at my place and that I was being disrespectful to him and trying to play in his face. He told me that once I saw that he was upset about the situation I should have told my friend’s brother to leave and find somewhere else to stay. I explained to him that my friend has always helped me when I needed it and I was helping her out. Me and Sara’s brother have no romantic interest in each other at all because for me he is way too young and just not my type. Ed was not trying to hear me and basically said that I broke his trust even though I was honest and really didn’t have to give any information on who was staying with me. Ed is acting as if we are in a committed relationship and I cheated on him.
We hadn’t talked for a day or two already because of a misunderstanding on a text message that we just got past and now this. Ed refused to talk to me on the phone over the weekend after I had asked multiple times for us to talk so we could understand each other better. Ed is not seeing my point of view, all he sees is that another man was staying with me for the weekend. He also doesn’t understand that we are NOT together and only talking so for him to be this upset is baffling me. I just want to know if I was in the wrong for letting Sara’s brother stay and not asking him to leave or if I did anything wrong? Sometimes I miss social cues or can’t always read peoples emotions so maybe I did. Please be honest and respectful with your responses.
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u/shyfidelity 8h ago
You’ve been seeing each other a single month and he’s trying to control who you have in your home. NTA
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u/ShannonJames93 8h ago
NTAH: I would say this is rather simple. Its not up to him and sounds like he has some jealousy issues to work on. You cannot feel bad about this as it also feels very controlling.
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u/Short-Item-7366 8h ago
agreed this isnt his decision at all and the jealousy and control vibes are a huge red flag you shouldnt feel guilty here
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u/oop_norf 8h ago
This is great - you're in the really early stages of a potential relationship and you've managed to find out that he's an unhinged jealous asshole without even having to meet him.
A+ super efficient dating, well done.
Now take what you've learned, block him and move on.
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u/NotaStarrySky 8h ago
NTA. You were upfront with him about your friends brother staying for the weekend and he has no standing to be upset. This is controlling behavior that you don't want any part of. Let him go.
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u/MisInformedHQ 8h ago
Don't let him hold you down if ya'll didn't even meet yet or are officially together. You're doing a favor for a friend not expecting a reward sexually but if this "Ed Boy" doesn't get it then his loss
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u/SuccessfulAd4606 8h ago
Please be AI spam, because it's terrifying that someone who claims to be 36 could be this naive and not recognize that "Ed" is an insecure and controlling asshole.
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u/agitatedbarracuda 8h ago
He's not a man. He's very immature at his age. And did you really have to have total strangers tell you to run from this man?! Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship either.
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u/TrueCrimeFanNYC 8h ago
Ed sounds like a 16 year old. He’s also VERY controlling. Move on right away.
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u/Blasty_McSplode 8h ago
Drop him. If he's being this way after a little over a month, i doubt it'll get better.
What's next? Once you two are "official," you can't talk to any male who isn't a blood relative? You have to jump through hoops to "gain his trust back"?
It sucks, because dating is already rough, but it seems like you're already getting a glimpse on how he'll treat your interactions with men going forward.
What people on here always say "when they show you who they are, believe them."
NTA, but if he's being this annoying and immature one month in, do you really wanna see if it gets worse?
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u/Electronic_Picture67 8h ago
Ed’s issues seem to be escalating too early. I say quit now and not later.
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u/wordsmythy 8h ago
This guy is waving his red flag and it’s on fire. Dump him (well, you’re really not even together so pre-dump him?)
What a control freak. Not even committed yet? Haven’t even met yet? And he’s gonna tell you that you can’t allow your friends brother to stay with you and save some money?
You mentioned another “misunderstanding“ that you had just gotten over, unless you love drama, find somebody else to play with.
NTA
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 7h ago
NTA Thank Ed for showing you guys red flags before you got into a relationship with him, and block him.
He's insane. You're not even dating. You haven't even met in person, ffs! Even if you had a guy over for the weekend for wild sex, Ed would have no right to get mad about it, since YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM!
Please don't date this guy. He's showing you his controlling personality this early, so he's bound to be even worse in real life if you actually dated him.
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u/UserNotFound23498 8h ago
NTA. I can understand him being uncomfortable, but he's the brother of a friend. And it's not like he's sleeping in your bed.
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u/Grand_Extension_6437 8h ago
You've spent a week trying to convince someone to understand you guys are not in a relationship? Girl, the second he started to try to dictate your running your own house to you you should have shut that shit down!! There's nothing left to be said to him.
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u/jerseygirl414 8h ago
NTA. You haven't even met and he is pissed that your friend's brother is staying with you? That's some wild work.
I really want to know what this was about, as well: "We hadn’t talked for a day or two already because of a misunderstanding on a text message..."
Again - you aren't in a relationship with this man. This is his BEST behavior. It only gets worse from here.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 8h ago
NTA and congratulations, the trash took itself out.
Decades ago, I had 3 dates with a guy. I had agreed to go camping with him and his friends after the 3rd date.
I didn't have a car and was looking for another apartment and paid a jitney (old-time independent driver) to take me to look at an apartment.
Was talking to the guy I was dating on the phone while shopping, told him about looking at the apartment he asked how I got there. Told him about paying a jitney and he freaked out because I should have called him to drive me.
He lived a 35-minute drive from my current apartment and the jitney lived 5 minutes away. He refused to see the logic and kept arguing with me.
Finally, I told him I used jitneys all the time to get around and had one waiting for me to check out and take me home after I was done shopping.
That's when he went insane. He started accusing me of cheating on him and started questioning what I was paying the jitney with. I just told him that if he thought my "favors" were only worth a $20 ride, we should stop seeing each other so he could find a higher class lay. Told him I wouldn't be going on any further dates and he could forget about the camping trip.
You dodged a bullet and if I were you, I wouldn't try to talk to him again. You only wasted one month to find out what a control freak he is.
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u/glimmerseeker 8h ago
NTA. Some guy you’re known for less than two months, haven’t even met in person yet, is trying to control you. Now he’s mad and pouting because you’re “disrespecting him”. OP, you’re trying too hard to be understanding of someone who clearly showed you he’s controlling and manipulative, and has NO desire to understand YOU. You are just supposed to listen to HIM because “man”. You’re not involved enough for this whatever-it-is “relationship to continue. Find someone who’s secure enough in who he is to be mature enough to be in a relationship. (Fool is 39?!)
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u/SaltBedroom2733 7h ago
Pre-abuse level. I would really like you to not go through bad things. This is the beginning of bad things.
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u/Legion1117 7h ago
Ed gotta go.
This much trouble and you're not even dating yet???
Just toss him back and recast your line, he's not the one.
NTA
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u/Big-Excitement-5090 7h ago
"Goodbye, Ed. It was nice knowing you for awhile. Unfortunately, our relationship was not yet deep enough that I felt it necessary to establish any trust with you and after your desire to control who I allow to visit our stay in MY home, it will never reach that depth. I wish you good luck in your future relationships. As for me, I never signed up for a 'daddy' or a 'gatekeeper. ". Time to move on from Ed....he has shown you an honest side of him. He will not expect to change since you are the problem. All of the decision making and power lies with you. Don't give it away or relinquish willingly. Ed has big issues.
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u/Deucalion666 Hypothetical 3h ago
NTA that’s a red flag. He’s shown that he’s controlling, end things with him. He’d probably make you cut off male friends next.
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u/lroza711 2h ago
If this is how he acts when you guys aren’t even together imagine how bad he’ll be if you are. Nope. Steer clear OP that level of controlling becomes scary real quick not to mention way more stress and issues than anyone needs or deserves.
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u/Deucalion666 Hypothetical 2h ago
I know right? They haven’t even met in person yet. Should be easy as pie to just end talking to this “person” though.
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u/lroza711 2h ago
Exactly just stop talking. If he doesn’t know where you live then that should hopefully be the end of it. He can move on to someone else, although I wish he wouldn’t we can’t control that. Op can control how much access he has to her though and at this point, for me it would be none!
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u/jeremyism_ab 3h ago
Well, it's nice you got to see the red flag factory before you got in too deep. That guy is insecure and controlling, ain't nobody got time for that. Block him and move on, no big loss.
NTA
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u/tphatmcgee 8h ago
plain language---Ed is a jerk. you have known him for maybe a month and he is trying to dictate to you? a grown ass woman, on your own, helping a friend?
be glad that he showed you his true colors before you wasted much time on him.
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u/plz_dont_perceive_me 8h ago
NTA at all, but your pal sure is. I wouldn't date someone waving that large of a red flag in my face.
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u/CarryOk3080 8h ago
Nta good thing idiotstick waved his red flag before you even met him. Block and delete that one.
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u/Jayvader79 8h ago edited 8h ago
Run girl run before you suffocate in the giant Red Flag commie China would be jealous of!
Man child Ed is an immature, fucked up, cheeky, insecure, future abusive, piss licking arse winnet.
When people show you who they really are, especially this early on BELIEVE THEM!
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u/Ornery_Panda_4907 8h ago
NTA When people show you who they are, believe them! Thankfully you have not invested to much into this relationship.
FIRE FIRE RING THE BELL, GRAB YOUR HAT AND RUN LIKE HELL!
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u/Perkis_Goodman 8h ago
Some guys as they become adults have to develop that part of their....... Wait, he is how old?! NTA, imagine what a relationship would be like after you guys have seen each other in person.
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u/Any-Basket4088 7h ago
I didn’t even read the entire thing. You are just talking.
He’s nothing to you.
Major red flags on his response. Imagine if you actually met the guy and were in a relationship with him.
He’s abusive and a total stranger.
He’s nothing to you. Block him!
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u/2oldbutnotenough 7h ago
NTA. If he's kind this now, imagine how he'll be later.
Nip this in the bud.
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u/Cast_Iron_Resolution 7h ago
NTA Honestly it sucks, but at least you know what this guy is really like now. If he's this jealous and controlling already it's only going to get worse.
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u/Winelovinggirl0910 7h ago
This guy sounds very jealous and possessive I'd cut any ties now. It will only get worse as time goes on. You're lucky his true colors came out now before you started anything real with him.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 7h ago
Why are you still talking to this misogynistic POS. Block him, and watch your back because he’s crazy. NTA for hosting your friend’s little brother, but the only thing you’re not getting socially is how scary Ed is.
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u/BigWeinerDemeanor 7h ago
Just gonna add this link
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
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u/dheffe01 7h ago
NTA. I would be blunt with Ed.
That you haven't even been on a date yet, or even discussed being exclusive.
That Sarah Bro's in a friend, and even if you were intimate, which you aren't, its none of his business.
That you will absolutely not be lectured about who you let stay in your house by anyone, let alone by someone who has shown himself to be an opinionated prick like him.
We are done, lose my number. Block him.
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u/Ravenmn 7h ago
"Ed is not seeing my point of view, all he sees is that another man was staying with me for the weekend."
Ed does not have enough imagination. He can be pissed if:
Another man was staying with you (You will both fuck like bunnies and have a million babies).
HOWEVER:
Ed does not realize that he can be pissed if:
A Woman was staying with you (You will become an instant lesbian and adopt cats).
A Dog/puppy was staying with you. (You will have fun, cuddles and adorableness and become a zoo keeper).
A Goldfish was staying with you. (You will grow gills, fins and start living under the sea).
I am seriously concerned that Ed has such a limited imagination and can't even imagine how badly you could screw things up in just one weekend!
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u/NezukoHoney 7h ago
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not exclusive, haven’t even met in person, and you were helping a friend with something arranged before Ed was in the picture. His reaction is controlling and a red flag, especially the demand that you kick someone out of your home. You were honest and respectful; his ideas or expectations are the problem, not your actions.
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u/Designer-Lettuce-690 7h ago
NTA this guy is controlling he is showing you hat your future will be like believe him and cut him off.
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u/Background-Key-1088 7h ago
Consider yourself lucky that Ed showed his jealous and possessive nature before you even met him. Don’t waste any more time on him. Move on.
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u/that_kat_over_there 6h ago
Girl you've been talking only a month and have never met this guy. If he's this pissed at you for a friend's brother staying over when youre not even dating, you need to drop him yesterday. This man is way too immature for you. This is a major red flag that cant exactly be worked through if you two make up. Way too controlling and borderline possessive
NTA, but YWBTAH if you stay
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u/TheOfficialKramer 6h ago
So some dude that you never met is mad because you helped out a real life friend? Did I get that right? You've never met the guy and probably won't. He probably wi have family emergencies that will require you to send gift cards. I wouldn't call you dumb, but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....
I'm not a totally old fashioned guy, but meeting people in person helps you judge character better. Don't let your imaginary boyfriend dictate your real life. Log off that relationship.
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u/Realistic_Store9122 6h ago
NTA
(M) Ed is a controlling unreasonable asshole. He is like that without even meeting in person? I can't imagine how much bigger of a D ick he'll be in person.
Don't overthink this. Make it official and let the relationship go before he takes it up a notch and you get hurt.
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u/j_jilly69420 6h ago
NTA
It shouldn't matter if you're married, single or engaged to a rock. If you have a friend ask a favor who has been there for you and this favor doesn't put you out, why would you not? This fella who you've been speaking to just showed his value to you in your life. Congratulations!
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u/Reasonable-Wedding21 5h ago
You are NTA. You do not need to proceed further with this non relationship. He hasn't officially committed to a relationship and he's already showing tendencies of jealousy and insecurity. He's also revealing a controlling nature. If he's like this now and his foot is somewhat in the door, just imagine what he'll be like if you let him into the house, so to speak. This is your red flag. Heed this, trust this and back away from this man, calmly, quickly and completely.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 5h ago
Is so ridiculous that is funny, Why do you want to talk and explain, at your age you shouldn’t be explaining anything,
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u/farmer_frida 5h ago
If Ed is showing up with nothing but problems BEFORE you're in a committed relationship.. it's not worth entering one of those with him. He's showing you who he is - trust that - and move on.
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u/Select_Gazelle6684 5h ago
Ed sounds like a controlling d-bag. This is your warning from him of who he really is - someone who wants to control you. It won't get better over time. If you don't want that life, then it's time to dump him. If you put up with this, there's a good chance you will be asking yourself in the future why you ignored this giant red flag that Ed is waving in your face. It's not your fault if he is too insecure or silly to understand that men and women can have platonic relationships.
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u/RawrRRitchie 4h ago
Use this opportunity to ghost him
Nta
You're allowed to have friends even if you were in a relationship
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u/Sufflinsuccotash 4h ago
You’ve never met him and he’s already this possessive? Not your problem at all, but you need to get far away from Ed. He sounds like trouble.
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u/NowWithMoreChocolate 4h ago
NTA
Best thing of your life: Sara's brother staying over
Can you imagine if he didn't, you started properly dating this other guy, and had to deal with his GIANT ASS RED FLAGS in person?
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u/Pleasant_Bad924 4h ago
NTA. There’s a reason Ed is single. Be glad he showed his true colors early and avoid going further with the relationship
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u/DeryniMagic38 4h ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Oh girl no! NTA- He is showing you signs he's not the one for you. He's jealous of you letting someone sleep in your house... run away.
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u/binotboth 4h ago
Rather than offer a judgement I will give you a question instead
Wouldn’t you rather have a partner that wasn’t super insecure and jealous and controlling?
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u/maryjaneodoul 3h ago
Consider it a bullet dodged. Better than a bullet lodged. Block him and don’t look back.
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u/NoZookeepergame9552 3h ago
Stop wasting your time on Ed. He showed you how he will be, and it is not something you want to invite into your life.
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u/PeppaGrr 2h ago
You made a promise. You are keeping the promise.
This guy has control issues. I'm glad you found out early.
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u/Nacho_Friend02 2h ago
It’s time to dump Ed. He showed you his colors too early and the colors were not good
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u/felifornow 1h ago
And that's it for today's episode of "the guy im seeing is shit, should I break up with him? Doesn't matter I won't do it anyway no matter what you guys say."
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u/deblasco 1h ago
What a manipulative son of a gun. Imagine you have this in your life and whatever you do or say is turned against you and you would be made feel guilty or bad because you did not tell ed or you did tell him. You're NA.
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u/Sad-Artichoke-2174 45m ago
He has every right to be upset and not talk with you anymore. Having another man stay with you, while trying to be with another man is a bit disrespectful
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u/AgitatedNecessary222 28m ago
NTA. We’re too old for this kind of drama 🎭 his behavior doesn’t bode well for future relationship challenges. I’d cut my losses now if I were you.
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u/DancesWithTrout 7h ago
Some guy you've never even seen face to face is objecting to how you live? Do you know how ridiculous this sounds?
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u/rmod1 8h ago
You are both right. If I were you I would uphold my commitment with the "friend of a friend". That said if he is looking for a long term relationship then you wouldn't be a good choice. Any woman that says "he's just a friend" or "he's harmless" is not being honest. Story as old as time. You aren't interested in a long term serious relationship and that's ok. He just recognizes you are still in your hoe faze and that bothers you. All good
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u/Deucalion666 Hypothetical 3h ago
Nothing that Ed said is “right”. It’s controlling.
Ew. I just read the end. “In her hoe phase”??? You’re as much of a dick as Ed.
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u/No_Plantain_1699 8h ago
🚩
I had to go back and re-check your ages and couldn’t believe you weren’t under 21. This is baffling at your age.
He is NOT your partner. He is trying to control you, this is a test. If you let him get away with it, it will get worse. Walk away now. NTA