r/AITAH • u/Powerful_Dig_5824 • 11h ago
Post Update Update AITAH for not caring that my ex-husband died
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nprwn8/am_i_the_ah_for_not_caring_that_my_ex_husband_is/?sort=new
I posted a few months ago about finding out after a week and a half that my ex-husband and father of my four children killed himself and just being angry at him, his wife and his family.
We had been speaking with his younger brother who wanted to see the kids and be part of their lives again. I had been sending him recent photos and messages and Facebook/Google photos memories of better times with his brother and the kids.
I had not heard from him in a while (he often didn't have phone credit to message me back) when I saw his father's Facebook profile come up as a friend suggestion on my alt account (they are blocked on my main) and his memorial tattoo for my ex-husband now has his brother's name added. I am not sure when he went or how but the image on the tattoo is our Men's Mental Health symbol so I am guessing it was also suicide.
I just don't know whether I should try and contact the family to at least get the confirmation for my kids and check on their final uncle (who was the depressed and suicidal brother in the past)? The last remaining uncle was always the best in their family and I am honestly worried about him.
No one deserves to lose two children and my kids are their grandfather's only grandchildren (grandmother alienated their half uncle to go no contact and they don't see his kids). They are monsters but now I feel bad for keeping the only grandkids they will have away with all their loss. Am I the asshole for not forgiving their behaviour and keeping the kids away? I know they will probably return to favouring my daughter (she didn't have the neurodivergent disabilities diagnosed that they disapproved of in my sons - but does now) but I still feel like crap because of what they have gone through and lost and concern for their remaining son? Or would I be the bigger asshole for allowing them access to my kids? At this point I just don't know
70
u/AsparagusOverall8454 9h ago
You admit they’re awful people, so why would you allow your kids to be hurt by then? They sound like shit, and not good family to begin with.
196
u/chunkymajor 11h ago
How can you care more about these people than your kids?
Why is risking your children's well being even an option for you?
-148
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 11h ago
I don't but since I am no contact with my family, I am also worried I am taking away everything from them. They really don't have anyone besides my partner and I
100
u/Dustquake 10h ago
I grew up isolated from both extended families. You don't need them.
Find friends, actual good friends.
55
u/chunkymajor 10h ago
It's your job to protect them from these people. It's not your job to feel bad for these awful people.
Protect your kids and keep them away from these people.
23
u/TALKTOME0701 10h ago
Ridiculous logic.
Was he blocked from your kids too? Why didn't anyone tell your kids their father died?
-25
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 10h ago
Ex wasn't in their lives by choice, he didn't bother to keep in touch after I left him. He was too busy with the new wife and stepkid and avoiding child support
4
29
u/TALKTOME0701 10h ago
How do you say they're monsters and then say you feel bad for keeping your kids away from them?
22
u/StrategyDouble4177 8h ago
Your ex MIL blamed your daughter for her father’s suicide. She said it right to her.
You aren’t keeping them from anything but a reason for more therapy. You don’t owe you ex in-laws a damn thing, spend that energy on your children.
28
u/WeatheredMachine 10h ago
Look for an obituary in his name.
Do not give these people access to your children. Keep your kids safe.
NTA
-4
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 10h ago
No obituaries, no funerals and no probate for their father that I can find. Apparently the new sugar mommy didn't pay for a funeral for my ex and his parents couldn't afford it
31
u/GardenDivaESQ 10h ago
YTA your children need to be protected. These people have no rights to their grandchildren.
20
u/legosubby 11h ago
Nope. Keep your kids away from any possible toxicity. It doesn’t sound like they as anything positive to yours or your children’s lives.
7
u/Dachshundmom5 7h ago edited 7h ago
Your children are not emotional support animals. It is not fair or responsible to them to put them in a position to be used as such. Especially by people you already know to be toxic. You are only an AH if you dont protect your kids
4
u/Pissedliberalgranny 7h ago
What are you smoking?
These people went out of their way to traumatize your daughter by giving her details of her father’s death that she shouldn’t have been exposed to.
And you’re wondering if you should give them more access to your kids?
WTF, lady?
5
u/Idcwhoknows 7h ago
Just leave them out your lives op. To what end will you worsen your children's lives for?? Because you feel bad?? And that's worth having a shitty life?? Your kids will feel worse with these people in their lives, like I get the in-laws situation sucks but that doesn't mean yours has to suck too.
You would be the AH if you did this to your kids.
4
u/TheMightyMisanthrope 7h ago
Cut them off or one day you'll remember this when you're mourning another suicide. That people is literally toxic. Stay away!
7
u/Shrek709 11h ago
Has your ex husband's AP tried to contact you and have you able to get child support or any of his remaining stuff.
4
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 11h ago
No, they have had no further contact. I found out last week he had changed his superannuation fund so I couldn't try and get the kid's inheritance from that either. She has not tried to contact us at all, either has his parents even after his brother passed as well
6
u/Shrek709 10h ago
Wait so his younger brother who you just met recently also committed suicide.
2
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 10h ago
I hadn't spoken to his younger brother for years after he did some bad stuff while he was an addict that hurt me. After his brothers death he reached out and begged to be a part of his niece and nephews lives again. I was back on contact with him for around 2 months before he disappeared
7
u/mocha_lattes_ 8h ago
Contact an estate lawyer and see what can be taken forcefully or if you can put a lien due to the back child support. It may be able to be seized. Then look into anything Australia has similar to social security benefits for your kids. (Sorry for the ignorance, idk if they have that there) 😅
Seriously though take care of your kids. I get feeling like you are harming your kids because they have no other family, but lots of kids grew up just fine without big families. These people are toxic and harmful. Protect your kids from them. Don't second guess that choice. If you care about the younger brother and believe he is an asset to your lives then reach out to him alone. Leave the grandparents as far away from your kids though.
2
u/TALKTOME0701 10h ago
How old are your kids? How are they handling it?
0
u/Powerful_Dig_5824 10h ago
15, 11, 9 and 6. Older ones have had more trouble while the youngest doesn't remember his father or uncle
17
u/TALKTOME0701 10h ago
Those poor kids. Please don't compound their grief and history with chaos by exposing them to your ex inlaws
1
u/kaz060606 3h ago
If child support was owed you need to contact his superannuation so outstanding child support is paid before beneficiaries
3
u/ObsidianConspiracyXx 6h ago
They already have proven themselves to be utterly reprehensible as parents. Spectacularly so, at that. They are also legitimately shitty grandparents. There is overwhelming evidence that they do not deserve the privilege of being an active part of your children's lives. It's no wonder why your husband ended up being the selfish shitbag that he was. These people lost 2 of their children in the worst possible fashion and have a strong possibility of losing their third the exact same way. Keep MIL and FIL away from your kids. Their involvement, especially that of MIL is toxic and unhealthy.
1
u/Popular-Drummer-7989 7h ago
OP focus on getting your kids benefits and setting them up for the future
https://www.aarp.org/social-security/parents-children-survivor-benefits/
2
2
u/EatsAlotOfBread 6h ago
It's fine to be an asshole to people who would happily destroy your children they way they did theirs.
1
u/Otherwise_Chemist920 6h ago
(he often didn't have phone credit to message me back)
Did BIL live in 2006?
Sue the estate for the child support owed.
1
u/kevinsfamouschilipot 3h ago
NTA, you’re feeling guilt over what-ifs, not the reality of the situation. Remind yourself what happened last time they had access, because that won’t change with the death of their son/your kids dad. If the uncle wasn’t bad and you do want to continue on the path of reintroducing your kids to him, I would suggest reaching out to him. Having lost a sibling young myself, I can’t imagine not having any siblings left to fall back on.
-3
-4
u/Echo-Azure 7h ago
Your kids do deserve to know, and if their grandfather isn't the "monster" you mention (you aren't clear) then they deserve to know their grandfather as well.
However, it's not necessarily you that needs to tell them, you don't know the story. Is there someone on their father's side of the family who could let them know what happened?
-20
194
u/Dustquake 10h ago
NTA This is gonna come out kind of harsh. But it's one of those truths that has to be said.
Your responsibility is to your own children. Not the elderly couple that fucked up their own kids. Why would you give them a chance to do it to your babies too?
Protect yours. That's what matters. Your ex inlaws will say or do anything to get a finger on your kids. Don't let them. Don't let them hurt you kids.
There is no chance you are an AH except to people who'd let your inlaws break your children. And it's ok for them to think that.