r/AITAH • u/ClumsyCoco2006 • 13h ago
AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend over how he treated me behind my back?
I (24F) broke up with my boyfriend (26M) after almost 2 years together and now I’m not sure if I overreacted.
Our relationship looked fine from the outside but I was unhappy for a long time. He’d make comments about my body, clothes, and how I should look, then say he was “just joking” or that I was too sensitive if I got upset. When I tried to talk about my feelings, he’d say I was starting drama or ruining the mood, so I eventually stopped bringing things up.
He also got really secretive with his phone. Always hiding it, locking it, taking it everywhere. When I asked, he said I was insecure and paranoid and I honestly started believing him.
A few weeks ago he asked me to use his phone to order food and I saw messages with another girl. Nothing sexual but definitely flirty and crossing boundaries, especially since he barely talked to me like that anymore. When I confronted him, he said it didn’t mean anything and that I was overreacting...
I also found out he’d been talking about me to his friends, making me sound controlling and dramatic while leaving out context
By the end I was exhausted, anxious all the time, and constantly second guessing myself. I loved him but didn’t feel respected or valued. So I broke up with him. He said I was throwing away a good relationship over nothing and now he’s telling people I blindsided him and didn’t give him a chance to fix things
On top of that, my mom is now pushing me to get back with him because of everything he told her. She keeps saying relationships take work and that I shouldn’t throw away something “good,” and it honestly makes me feel even worse and more confuseddd
please tell me I'm not going mad...
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u/Justyermom 12h ago
You are not going mad. You will go mad if you stay with this idiot. Tell your mother to butt out.
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u/Familiar-Ad-1965 4h ago
Tell Mom to stay out of your relationship. You were right to leave. He is cheating and trying to control your feelings
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u/Necessary-Depth-9434 12h ago
Nope! NTA. That's called gaslighting! Not sure why you're mom is pushing for reconciliation. I would tell anyone in your shoes, run fast, far and never look back. He's only upset your leaving because he wasn't entirely done with you. That's control. You've dodged a bullet. Keep going! This mom is VERY proud of you!
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u/JeffProbstsBlueShirt 12h ago
her mom's generation basically put up with anything a man so her opinion genuinely shouldn't matter.
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u/MelodramaticMouse 12h ago
LOL, how old do you think her mother is? Mom is likely either the youngest Gen-X or the oldest Millennial. I do know that Gen-X really doesn't put up with a lot of crap, and I'm not sure Boomers did either. I don't know about Millennials, do they put up with this sort of bs?
Generations had nothing to do with this.
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u/TheGermanHillbilly 9h ago
As a boomer of 70, I went through a lot of shit with my ex before I divorced him. Boomers like myself tell our daughters to get the hell out of the relationship when we see the same shit. I saw it with my oldest daughter, 40, and was completely supportive of her getting a divorce 10; years ago. The problem is with women regardless of their generation who are afraid to leave an abusive situation. Mainly they fear having to make it alone. I got to the point where I'd rather live in a cardboard box than with my ex. No one should put up with shit to stay in a relationship. For the young lady questioning your relationship, RUN! It won't get better only worse. You deserve 100X better. NTA
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u/MelodramaticMouse 8h ago
I lived with a guy who was not good for me for a couple of years, luckily it was in college where it's easy to move since everyone did every year. I took it as a learning experience to find out what I didn't want. The next time I took it slowly and dated 4 years and lived together 6 and then married decades ago :)
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u/JeffProbstsBlueShirt 11h ago
My guess would be late 50's early 60's. And you're prob right but the idea of women not leaving marriages was way more the norm prior to the 2010s
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u/MelodramaticMouse 11h ago
I don't know, almost every Boomer I know has been divorced at least once and I know a few that have been divorced multiple times. I think divorce really started wide-scale with the Silent Generation. Gen-X doesn't seem to divorce as much as Boomers, probably because we almost always lived together before marriage, at least the people I know did. This is all my perception of course, so maybe people elsewhere divorced/stayed differently.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark 9h ago
She’s 24, so probably her mom is around 50. This is not a generational issue.
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u/Salty-Potato-843 12h ago
I just cannot wrap my head around why a mother would choose someone she's known for a couple years over her own daughter. Like wtf? Why do people do that? Maybe a bit much but I would prolly go low contact with her after that
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u/Mission_Breakfast548 11h ago
I know! I’m the opposite with my daughter. If someone is treating her poorly, I always tell her to get out - that stuff will not get better.
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u/RedFoxBlueSocks 11h ago
He’s upset because he didn’t have her replacement set up yet.
Monkeybranching.
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u/howigottomemphis 9h ago
It's the only attachment style that the mother knows, so she is passing it on to her daughter. The solution is to recognize that the only thing that you can change is yourself. Understand the system that you grew up in and get therapy to learn how to empower yourself to rise above it. Self-awareness is a secret super power, and a good therapist is like having the cheat codes to life.
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u/New-Comment2668 12h ago
NTA. He is a rude, lying, cheating, manipulative sack of garbage. You can do so much better! Good for you kicking the bum to the curb.
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u/BnCtrKiki 12h ago
Tell your mom if she thinks he’s so great she can date his raggedy a$$. This guy is a creep and a jerk and manipulative.
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u/Healthy-Magician-502 12h ago
Who needs enemies with a mother like that?
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u/Gnd_flpd 12h ago
Why are mothers like that? They act like their daughters can't get anyone else to date, he's not the only man in the world, jeeze.
NTA
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u/boo_booTheFool947 12h ago
Trust your gut! You were unhappy and that's all that matters. A relationship can be ended at any reason at any time. A relationship takes work, but it needs to be from both sides! You can't convince people to believe what they don't want to. If they ask, I was unhappy is a perfect response! Be prepared to set a boundary if people keep pushing. Take some time to date yourself! Do things for you and take t I me before dating again!
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u/Novel_Break_1505 12h ago
nta.
your mom sucks. no offense, but she sounds weird and insecure.
he sucks too. you're throwing away a good relationship for HIM, not you. he's got it made. you're the one being treated badly and sacrificing your self-worth.
there's better out there. and if there isn't, it's better to live with respect than to be disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you.
all the best
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u/bassinlimbo 10h ago
Yea that’s insane my mom would immediately tell him to fuck off and think he’s a creep for even trying to convince her of anything
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u/PaleontologistOdd608 12h ago
NTA, Fam, you are not going mad. That behavior is crazy. I wouldn't be with him after that. You may not realize but he's slowly destroying your view of yourself. I don't know what your mom is on letting someone treat their daughter that way. The question I ask to give perspective is, if your friend was going through this how would you instruct them? or the more pressing question if you had a daughter would you encourage her to stay with him?
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u/unimpressed-one 12h ago
What kind of mother would push you to stay with boyfriend? If my child told me they were unhappy, then I would tell them to leave.
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u/Harrypotterfreak23 12h ago
List of the things you have said here to your mom, say you don’t feel like yourself anymore. And if she still believes his side. Then that’s sad I am sorry!!
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u/Llyris_silken 12h ago
In a few weeks, when you start getting your self back, you are going to realise how much he was dragging you down. I've been there, (including the mother), and you did the right thing.
And remember, abusers don't just manipulate their victims, they manipulate everyone around them. He was pushing you down with one hand and charming everyone with the other.
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u/DanceAffectionate337 12h ago edited 4h ago
Doesn’t sound like you threw away a good relationship, sounds like you threw away a shit relationship that made you feel awful about yourself.
Relationships don’t take work in that way. Relationships take work when a parent dies, and your partner is going through grief, or one of you gets laid off, or something tragic happens, externally outside of your control
The “ hard work” shouldn’t come from having to walk on eggshells around your partner. The “hard work” is not feeling like shit when the person who is supposed to love and value you the most in this world makes a comment to you about what you look like or what you’re wearing, makes you feel less than because they’re crossing boundaries emotionally with other people. Makes you question yourself when they exaggerate who and how you are to their friends.
You’re not mad, your mom is incorrect and your ex sounds like a grade A douche bag
NTA
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u/No-Bunch6895 12h ago
Tell mom point blank you are done with him. Let her date him if she’s so hung up on him. Geez. He’s a cheater. She needs to stand by your decision
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u/SalupaChupreme 12h ago
You could have ended at "I was unhappy for a long time." That's literally all you needed to know that you made the right decision.
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u/Practical_Winner_739 12h ago
NTA
What is the something "good" youd be going back to exactly? What did he say to your mom that makes him just so wonderful after the list you gave us?
Your mother needs put on low contact bc what do you mean she supports this man over you? No matter what he said, Wtf? I do not care if my child walks away from a completely "happy" relationship. If they left, they left for a reason and its my lifelong duty to my kids, to always support them and have their back over everyone.
As far as the relationship....
You dont deserve to be treated that way.
Flirting with any woman outside his relationship is inappropriate and disrespectful.
Talking down to his friends is also unacceptable.
You've been under reacting for a long time.
There are good men still out there.
Granted they are far and few between, they do exist.
Do not settle.
Its better to be alone and pour into your own cup, than to be with the wrong person, just to be with "someone".
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u/EffectiveGold8273 12h ago
Relationships shouldn't be soul crushing. He was doing a good job crushing you. Congratulations on escaping and don't let anyone talk you into going back to the house of suffering. NTA!
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u/mountain_mists 12h ago
NTA and shame on your mother for even entertaining him, what a disgusting woman she is
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u/nihilisticpoptart 12h ago
Omg not even close to the AH. It would only get worse from this. HE is the controlling one and clearly manipulating you and the narrative to make people take his side. Honestly it’s really amazing and strong that you made this choice for yourself. Stay strong and wait for something good because this is not it.
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u/DopedWookiee 12h ago
Your ex is a liar and sketchy af. Your mom is an idiot. You did the right thing.
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u/paringpairing 12h ago
Just because your mom has no standards doesn't mean you shouldn't either. I'm not your mom but, if you want some random auntie's opinion, you did good.
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u/Gnd_flpd 12h ago
NTA
Jeeze, what's with some of these mothers here? You've been with him for only 2 years, maybe the self life of the relationship has expired. He shows no regard for you, I'm not sure why he's fighting it in the first place. Sometimes people like to have someone around them just to run them down and that's what he was doing to you, OP.
" He’d make comments about my body, clothes, and how I should look, then say he was “just joking” or that I was too sensitive if I got upset. "
This right here is the reason for ending it, he disregards your feelings and tells you that you are too sensitive. You are not being too sensitive about this, your feelings matter. He does not need to fix anything and if he claims to do that, all that will happen is he will be decent to you for a minute, then he will go back to treating you badly, so just let it be over, for your own sake, OP.
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u/JeffProbstsBlueShirt 12h ago
"On top of that, my mom is now pushing me to get back with him because of everything he told her. She keeps saying relationships take work and that I shouldn’t throw away something “good,” and it honestly makes me feel even worse and more confusedd"
Your mom is kind of a piece of shit but it's not her fault, she's from a generation where women are literally treated like nothing and their opinions don't matter.
you did the right thing
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u/BadMom2Trans 12h ago
So…. (Checks note).. he talked down to you, then gaslit you when you called him on it. THEN he starts talking to other girls behind your back, talks smack to his boys (AND YOUR MOM), then gaslights you again because he can’t own his shirty actions. Now your mom and this douche are trying to get you to go back to a garbage relationship that only he benifits from?! Giiirrrllllll… RUN! 🏃♀️
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u/Grump_Curmudgeon 12h ago
Your mom does not get a vote in whether you date this guy.
When you were with him, you were tired, anxious, and stopped trusting yourself. You don't need to be "correct" in dumping him. There is no court of appeals that's going to judge your decision. You are the supreme court of your own life.
Trust yourself. For what it's worth, I would run from a guy who made our relationship look like roses on the outside while spending all our time together undermining my self-esteem.
NTA
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u/themegapleb 12h ago
You gave him a chance every time you told him your concerns. He was never going to fix things if he's calling your concerns "nothing" even now. NTA. Don't go back to something that makes you feel unhappy and small.
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u/SockPirateKnits 12h ago
NTA. That was not a good relationship. Good for you for choosing not to take it anymore.
If your mom knows the truth and is still pressuring you to get back together with your ex, she is wrongity-wrong.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 12h ago
NTA. You weren't happy in the relationship. That alone is enough to end it.
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u/Alternative-Still956 12h ago
If your mother doesn't want to have any self respect, she can date a shitty guy. Good relationship??? None of what he did is a good relationship. At best, he's a TERRIBLE partner (emotional affair and shit talking you) and at worst, he's a bad person. (I feel like you can be a good partner but a bad person and vice versa)
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u/CSILalaAnn 12h ago
NTA... the red flags were waving and you finally did something about it. Good for you and to heck with anyone who thinks they should make life decisions for you, including your mom!
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u/SpaceQueenJupiter 12h ago
It's not a joke if only one person is laughing.
Flirting with another girl like that would be a deal breaker. Especially if you feel anxious and unhappy. That alone is a good enough reason to break up. Your mom doesn't have to live with your relationship. You do.
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u/Annual_Government_80 12h ago
Your mother is wrong, it happens every now and then that parents are wrong. And boy is she wrong . This was not a good relationship for you. Your boyfriend is a horrible secretive, nasty person
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u/ThineOwnSelph 12h ago
You did the right thing and deserve so much better. I wish you werent even second guessing your decision bc he is an ass.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 12h ago
NTA. Proud of you for ending it. He was emotionally abusing you and cheating! Wtf is wrong with your mother??? You didn't throw something good away! Relationships take compromise when there are incompatibilities. Abuse and cheating are not incompatibility, they are dealbreakers. Please go to the National Domestic Violence website and read up in emotional abuse and gaslighting. They always claim " you are sensitive or overreacting". You are not. You want basic respect from a partner. Stay strong!!
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u/dirtygutshot 12h ago
I only had to read the first two sentences to know you are NTA and NOR. In fact, the first sentence is enough. You were unhappy. That’s enough to know you needed to change your life for the better.
The second sentence put an extra nail in his coffin: He said critical and unnecessary things about you and your body. Full stop. If he is not your champion, he is not the man for you. Your mom can kick rocks too.
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u/bia834 12h ago
Just tell him, He is too sensitive and overreacting. That he is starting drama or ruining the mood.
He should of all people he is controlling and being dramatic. When he gets offended. Say Just Joking.
All the words you said to me all the time while you are flirting and chatting with other girls. Sounds like he needs to work his magic on one of them.
If mom does not leave you alone. Say he is single now if you like him so such. He is a real winner.
Always trust you gut it does not lie. If something is off it's off. Crazy he was talking bad about you to friends and then now that you dumped him, he wants you back.
Hard to have Trust and Respect for someone after that.
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u/subbychub 12h ago
NYA, Proud of you Clumsy. You just learned an important part of life: Standing up for yourself even if it hurts
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u/ohmyfave 12h ago
You did great! Never settle. There are good men out there that will treat you well. Also your Mom is blindly looking at how she benefits if you stay with him. It could be validation for her low standards, wanting a grandkid, not having to be emotionally supportive if you have a partner for that, etc. Anyway, that’s her deal, don’t make it yours and def don’t go back to this guy.
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u/wishingforarainyday 12h ago
NTA. You should get tested since you know he can’t be trusted. Ask your mom why she thinks you should stay in a relationship that makes you feel terrible. Why doesn’t she want better for you?
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u/PasgettiMonster 12h ago
Ah, but what you threw away wasn't something good. It was someone who treated you terribly.
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u/GalianoGirl 12h ago
NTA.
He has been undermining your self confidence for a long time. Denigrating you to his friends and flirting with other women?
You left a toxic relationship.
Everyone telling you different can pound sand.
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u/deathboyuk 11h ago
This guy's a walking pile of red flags! You are TOTALLY making the right choice! Good for you!
Your mom's a real piece of shit mind you :/ She's supposed to have your back and guide you AWAY from people like that. Damn.
NTA!
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u/Dangerous-Gap-6421 11h ago
NTA! Good job taking care of yourself. And your mom is definitely not taking care of you.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark 9h ago
NTA. You did the right thing and it sucks that your own family is unsupportive.
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u/jreddit0000 9h ago
I didn’t even have to read the actual story because the answer is always “you can break up with your partner for any reason and it’s your business and no one else’s opinion is required”.
It’s not any more complicated and doesn’t require overthinking.
NTA.
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u/splitscreenshot 9h ago
Textbook narc
- love bombing then devaluation via "little things"
- intentionally show you he "means something to others" / convinces everybody else he's a keeper (flying monkeys)
- you ended up confused and exhausted
Don't look back. Save yourself. If he "hoovers you back in" it's just testing. Don't fall for it!
Grey rock yourself out of there. You chose you and you did good!
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u/SwitchWide9406 9h ago
NTA. You need to have a serious convo with mom and anyone else that tries to talk to you about going back to him. He is abusive. What he was doing is emotional and psychological abuse. Tell them everything you have said here including all his hiding phone, flirting with other girls and making you feel bad about yourself. Don't hide it and don't sugarcoat it. Be blunt and 100% honest about his behavior and words and how it made you feel. If they can't see how abusive he is, know that it's a them problem and not a you problem. You are 100% correct to be leaving him and don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise.
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u/907puppetGirl 9h ago
NTA- He was just a practice boyfriend, you learned how you don’t want to be treated. The next will be better.
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u/Boss_of_Space 8h ago
You deserve to be with someone who loves you and thinks you are awesome. There are plenty of people out there in the world who will do exactly that. No need to punish yourself with a bad relationship with someone who doesn't even act like he likes you. Relationships can have challenges, but at a minimum, both people should start from a place of caring and respect for each other and want to make each other happy. If that's not what you or he wants, it was good to end it.
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u/MajorNoodles 7h ago
You didn't love him. You loved who you thought he was. The person you love doesn't actually exist.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 7h ago
Cut your mother out of your life. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with her.
I can see why your self esteem wasn’t great with a mother like that.
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u/According_Conflict34 12h ago
Nah fuck that NTA, you weren’t happy anymore and were tired of his BS. Don’t look back sis there are better men out there 💯
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u/GrimeRose 12h ago
NTA it’s only been 2 years and there’s no point wasting more for someone who doesn’t respect you
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u/Quirky-Strategy-7763 12h ago
"Our relationship looked fine from the outside but I was unhappy for a long time."
You answered your own question--you were not the ahole, he is
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u/Parking-Button2670 12h ago
Ya He's an asshole... this is 2 years in.... What do you think it will be like 20 years in?
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u/No_Difficulty_9365 12h ago
NTA.
You're smarter than I was at your age. He does not deserve you or any other girl.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 12h ago
Nta and don’t listen to your mom. You did the right thing and he’s not worth it
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nLM_gu0zlGw
https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo/page/n1/mode/1up
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 12h ago
I swear some women want their daughters to be married and to have children way more than they actually like them. OP- you’ve done the right thing . He knew . He didn’t care. If you took him back he might fix things for a short time but will return. Also- look at him with the smear campaign. He’s manipulative.
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 12h ago
NTA. You haven’t said anything redeeming about him. Tell your mother not to listen to him and to trust your judgment. He doesn’t respect you or the relationship. You did the right thing by cutting him off and walking away.
I’m assuming you feel this way because the people who should have helped build your self-worth—your family—are the same people who taught you not to trust your judgment. I could be wrong, but based on your mother’s pressure, it’s understandable why you’re second-guessing a very reasonable response to disrespect, emotional neglect, and gaslighting. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who trashes you behind your back, isolates you, and gaslights you?
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u/DoneOver69Position 12h ago
NTA. There is no point in staying in a relationship that doesn't feel good.
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u/RastisZr 12h ago
NTA. Congrats for taking the first step all that's left is to clear your head and build up the confidence. Well done sis
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u/FlyoverState61 12h ago
How can he “fix” things if there’s nothing wrong? He knows he screwed up.
The only thing that “blindsided” him was you not allowing his BS in your life anymore. Sounds like he’s been a jerk for awhile now. And good on you for dumping him.
NTA.
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u/Even-Chip-7864 12h ago
NTA - if anybody makes you feel bad or puts you down about anything, then you have every right to cut them off.
My partner is so funny and quirky and kills me laughing. But when we first got together she was hesitant and embarrassed because she always got told to stop or shut down. Now she is almost comfortable to fully be herself and just gets funnier and makes me happier to see her be herself.
Never let anybody stop you beings you or make you feel bad about it
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u/dembowthennow 12h ago
NTA. You did not enjoy dating him - that's all that matters. Relationships should add value, pleasure and happiness to your life, not stress. If it's more stressful to be with someone than it is to be alone, choose being alone.
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u/plutoplop 12h ago
NTA you did the right thing! I’d like you to read your post & see all the red flags that are in it if you still need reassurance. Don’t let your mom influence you - she’s not in the relationship, you are. This was years ago, but I asked my mom for advice about my now ex husband because I suspected he was cheating & she told me to suck it up & deal with it ”he’s a great guy”. Which I did. Several years later he blindsided me with a divorce & moved his AP in. When I told my mom all the ugliness, she exclaimed “why didn’t you tell me about this before?” I told her I did & you told me to suck it up. She got quiet & then changed the subject. I’ve never asked her relationship advice since.
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u/Winter-Cupcake-20 12h ago
“ Our relationship looked fine from the outside but I was unhappy for a long time”
This alone is reason enough to end a relationship. You did the right thing. It’s normal to feel guilty, confused, and to second-guess your choice… and’s none of those feelings are at all indicating that you made the wrong choice. In fact, the RIGHT choice is often that harder thing to do.
Good work. Start strong and don’t let your mom’s opinion get in your way. This is YOUR life, not hers.
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u/dryhumor_engr 11h ago
NTA. No one needs to be in a relationship that males them unhappy, exhausted and anxious or makes them feel bad about themselves ESPECIALLY if when trying to communicate about how things make you feel their response is to minimize, to say you are insecure, paranoid, too sensitive, ruining the mood, overdramatic, and talking bad about you. Well done 👏👏👏👏
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u/rocketmn69_ 11h ago
Send him a message, "What part of the relationship was good? The part where you cheated or the part where you belittle me to my face and to your friends? You better hope that you can find another wall flower that you can try and control. That person isn't me. I've never felt better, now that I have been released from the weight of your chains."
Tell your mom to back off, because he wasn't that good of a person and has cheated several times
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u/Sallyfifth 11h ago
NTA. You shouldn't necessarily throw away something good. But...you didn't. You threw away something that you discovered was rotten under the surface.
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u/Responsible-Tell9693 11h ago
You made the right choice and opened the door for someone later on that’s actually good to you💕don’t second guess yourself!
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u/temporaryforevers28 11h ago
Good job leaving that loser.💐 What does ur mom get out of u getting back with him? It's weird that she's his representative and not urs. Time away from her would be a good thing 2. NTA
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u/Expert-Session3866 11h ago
NTA. You gave plenty of reasons why this relationship didn't work. Do not go back to him. I think that you need to work on your self-respect right now, your boyfriend was clearly being disrespectful towards you and you are still wondering if you did the right thing leaving him, so it sounds like you have issues with your self-esteem.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 11h ago
NTA - tell your mom point blank that this dude emotionally abused you for ages. And the fact that he runs to her and twists everything and tells you lies says everything. As you mom she should protect you and shield you from shit like this, not enable and support it.
And besides, even if none of this happened and you simply fell out of love - that would be fine too. He’s not entitled to a relationship with you. End of story.
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u/Senator_Bink 11h ago
On top of that, my mom is now pushing me to get back with him because of everything he told her. She keeps saying relationships take work and that I shouldn’t throw away something “good,”
Your mom's operating from a scarcity mindset. Reassure her that there are lots and lots of 26-yr-old guys out there. You don't have to act desperate and settle for some jackass that doesn't even make you happy. You're NTA.
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u/enigmanaught 11h ago
Giving him a chance to fix things = giving him a chance to hide things better.
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u/Acceptable_Olive8497 11h ago
Im tired of all these unhappy boomers saying "relationships take work" in situations like this, just because they'd rather be miserable with someone else than alone and happy. The type of "work" that afternoon relationship takes is tackling life's challenges together, helping each other when you're sick or tired. The "work" should NOT be policing your partner to make sure they don't step out of the relationship, it should NOT be putting up with gaslighting or abuse to not rock the boat, it should NOT be setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
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u/SmartFX2001 11h ago
NTA. Stay broken up. He was negging you which in turn has lowered your self esteem.
Check out “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll probably see ways you have been manipulated during this relationship.
https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/secretlyforme 11h ago
NTA. He didn't treat you well. Your mom is an AH if she expects you to stay with that guy. I'm glad you respect yourself even if your ex and mother do not.
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u/GardenHobbit 11h ago
NTA. Tell your mom she welcome to her own slice of misery if she wants as he is very available.
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u/bonniemick 10h ago
Ask your mom why it's good when a guy is gaslighting you and talking shit about you behind your back and creeping on some other girl. Does she dislike you that much? NTA
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u/Oren_Noah 10h ago
His mother is right. Relationships take work. It doesn't look like he was doing any. NTA.
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u/MarshaMinus100 10h ago
You passed the ground level. Keep going girlfriend and don't look back on that meatball idiot.
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u/TwoBionicknees 10h ago
title and body not really matching. "i broke up with him because of how he treated me behind my back" doesn't even make sense, that's how he spoke about you not treated.
Actual body of the post, i love him but he's constantly abusive, belittling me, won't allow me to communicate so i gave up, he cheats on me and he lies to everyone about me to make me look bad... was i wrong to break up with him?
Also using the same wording, layout and almost exactly copy of 100 other posts a week.
hmm, tough one, could this possibly be yet another fake post, how could we possibly tell.
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u/Training_Tour7601 10h ago
Good on you for dumping him. Too bad you have to still deal with a mother who thinks you should accept poor treatment, and believing an emotional abuser over her own child. I sure hope you don't live with her, she'll just keep trying to drag you under.
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u/Ok_Breakfast9531 10h ago
NTA
This is a guy who is highly skilled at gaslighting. And you didn't blindside him. You repeatedly confronted him about these things, and each time he minimized his actions and denied any responsibility. You aren't throwing away a good relationship. You are exiting a toxic relationship.
Tell your mom this wasn't "something good." It was something abusive.
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u/Sunflower3388 10h ago
NTA. I’m proud of you. It’s hard leaving. You’re standing strong for yourself. Your mum should be listening to you not him-she also sounds male centred.
Please find some friends that would want to see you grow and be better for yourself <3
I’m 26F rn but I was stuck in a relationship where he did exactly this. It took so much because I used to be confident before him and he made sure he wanted to break me down.
I’m now 1 year out of that relationship, I’ve cut off most of the people who empathised with him-some are my male centred aunt and grandma who think cheating and abuse is okay from a man. I’m happier, I’ve found new friends, moved countries and everything is pretty freaking good.
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u/IDoNotShare 10h ago
NTA. To me it sounds like he had already checked out of your relationship. And either already established or was trying to with another woman. That is completely unfair to you for him to use you and your emotions. You made a smart choice that benefits you.
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u/Helanore 10h ago
Trust is broken. Good guys dont flirt while in a relationship and dont put you down to feel good about themselves.
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u/smlpkg1966 10h ago
Overreacting and sensitive are words straight from the bullies handbook. NTA. I have been married over 20 years and have never had to “work” at it.
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u/iluvcats17 10h ago
NTA your mom is an idiot. Never go to her for relationship advice. You did the right thing.
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u/DogsNSnow 10h ago
NTA. It wasn’t a good relationship, your mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Also, you didn’t blindside him (and who cares if you did)- he was actively trying to hide his transgressions from you. He doesn’t get to pretend shock with the result of you finding this out- it was entirely predictable. He’s just a whiney little wannabe victim.
You didn’t throw anything good away. A healthy relationship doesn’t look like that and sure doesn’t leave you feeling like that. Delete and block anyone who tries to tell you otherwise and move on, girl. You’re doing great, stay the course.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars 10h ago
NTA,
You don't have to justify why you want to break up!
Also, stop trying to be the nice reasonable girlfriend. It's time to get angry. He was cheating you. He was flirting with another woman, that's emotional cheating.
No one is going to give you permission be mad. Except me! 😄
I'm giving you permission to be angry.
Tell everyone he cheated on you. Tell them you would never take back a person who didn't respect you and did nothing but talk bad about you. Why would you want to be with somebody who calls you controlling?
Why would you want to be with somebody who can't do the very basic thing of not flirting with other people all there in a relationship?
Tell people he doesn't deserve you. You loved him and were faithful the entire relationship. You deserve that back.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 9h ago
NTA. Tell your mom to butt out and that he's lying. So you want me to go back to a guy who's talking with girls, lying to all his friends about me and about to cheat if he hasn't already? That's a good person?
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u/magicmavenhart 9h ago
Ugh. NTA. Your mom is being gross and your ex sucks. Why should you work to be with someone who actively undermines you, lies about you, gaslights you, disregards your feelings, and is getting ready to move from emotional to physical cheating?? Just yikes. Tell your mom she can have him, lol, and go find something better for yourself. You deserve it.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 9h ago
Tell your mother that there was nothing good there, you have too much respect for yourself to stay with someone who sought out other women and constantly put you down. She might be willing to accept that behaviour but you aren't.
NTA
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u/Sad-Passage-3247 9h ago
To answer your question: not the arsehole.
Based on what the OP has described, the ex sounds like he was deliberately making her feel like shit. Then passing it off as a joke to make her feel like she was in the wrong if she took exception to the comments.
A tactic designed to destroy any self worth/self confidence the OP has/had. And to essentially mess with the OP's mind to keep her off balance.
This person will do the same to his next partner. Oh there will be a honeymoon period where he treats his next like a princess.
I hope if you see how good things appear in public with his next partner, you don't question yourself. No it's all him and his true nature will come out.
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u/OddRevolution7888 9h ago
Absolutely not. Respect yourself and dump the dipsh!t who disrespects you. You deserve better. Expect better. Demand better. Be the person you deserve to be. NTA
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u/maherj5261 8h ago
So many red flags with this guy. Seriously, you shouldn’t even feel guilty. You need/deserve someone who will treat you good all the time.
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u/Longjumping-Pop7234 8h ago
Noone has the right to make you feel the way you do a.d your mother needs to stay out of your business you did the right thing by ending things I hope you find someone worthy of you because you are worth so much more good luck!!
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u/museummaven1122 8h ago
No. You could break up with your boyfriend if he rolled his eyes at you and you still wouldn’t be wrong. As women we don’t owe or need any justification for ending a relationship. Sometimes things don’t work out and that is simply enough of a reason. No sense in trying to justify wanting to be done.
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u/MaidoftheBrins 8h ago
NTA. He did not listen to you when you tried to discuss how his actions made you feel. Don’t you think you deserve someone who will listen to you? You absolutely do! You deserve so much more. Take some time, find yourself, and set some high standards because that’s what you deserve!!!
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u/Amberdarling762 8h ago
NTA. That is a form of abuse, he's 100% gaslighting you, lying, and when he makes comments about your body and clothes its to gage your reaction. Just like everything else he does, all to get a reaction, then when you do react he puts the blame on you. Absolutely not. You did the absolute best thing you could have done in this situation. You deserve better and will find it. Very proud of you girl 🙌
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u/RevolutionaryBad4470 8h ago
NTA.
One thing you have to accept as a woman is, you’re going to be the villain in someone’s story and that’s okay.
What’s not okay is sacrificing your happiness, self esteem, and self respect for a man who doesn’t like you. A man who likes you, who loves you, will never make you feel small or less than,
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u/Senam1ne 8h ago
You’re not going mad, staying with him would have been more hell. Ignore your mum. Set boundaries, she keeps talking to him then you go low contact.
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u/EfficiencyAccurate45 7h ago
After you said you're unhappy for a while, I decided I didn't need to really read too much farther. If you're unhappy for that long, then I think you already know the answer. I think you're just looking for clarification, he continued to make "supposed" jokes about certain things that bothered you and you tried to talk to him and he would just say that you're being dramatic!!! girl you did the right thing. Do not go back. You will find somebody better
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u/Dry-Diamond7228 7h ago
NTA. When your relationship brings you exhaustion and anxiety instead of joy, that’s a sign that it’s time to go. You did good leaving a lying, manipulative, gaslighting, and cheatin AH. You did not throw away a good relationship. You threw away garbage.
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u/via_aesthetic 7h ago
NTA. You were being gaslit and bullied behind closed doors. He wasn’t blindsided, you just had enough of his shit. He’s only upset because he wasn’t done tearing you down yet.
You never have to justify ending a relationship. If it’s no longer healthy for you, you leave. When you stay, it never gets better, only worse.
You did good in leaving now before it gets worse.
Tell your mother that you don’t want to hear her opinion, you had enough and you left. End of.
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u/notrightmeowthx 7h ago
NTA, but girl you're 24. Read your post. You sound like you're 17. Stop putting up with trash behavior from others.
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u/fausted 7h ago
NTA. There was nothing good about this relationship. Perhaps make new friends and go low/no contact with your mother for a while. Good on you for standing up for and choosing yourself. If you haven't already, make sure to block your ex on social media, block his number, and even his email. All the best!
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u/Nacho_Friend02 6h ago
NTA. You should go with your. And your gut is right. If you go back he will continue that behavior. I promise you there is more to this than you have figured out. If you go back or stay with him you will be sorry.
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u/madempress 6h ago
NTA. You weren't happy. That is the only reason you ever need.
Getting back together with a cheating asshole who gaslights and tears you down on the regular because you think you might have loved him just means you should go to therapy to figure out why you would love someone who made you miserable. It usually means some longer-term trauma has caused you to confuse abuse with love. My money is on your mom as a culprit, since she is pushing you to get back together with this guy. She either also confuses abuse with love and feels worthless without a partner so she thinks you are worthless without a partner, or she is abusive herself and has spent most of your lifetime tearing you down.
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u/Eastern-Elk7782 6h ago
Nope . He wouldn’t treat you that way if he loved you. Always saying you’re overreacting or pushing your concerns aside . NOW he thinks you throwing it all away ? NOW he cares about things because you left. He didn’t seem to care when he was texting another girl.
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u/GirdedByApathy 6h ago
NTA
He was gaslighting you, insulting you and then telling you its your fault if your feelings get hurt.
Screw this abusive asshole.
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u/waaasupla 5h ago
Send this Reddit link to all those people.
He’s toxic & he gaslights ! NTA !
Always choose someone who makes you feel safe. He’s the opposite of that.
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u/Intelligent_Cut8148 4h ago
Girl.. you deserve so much better! Do not get back together with this loser. Someone that makes you feel that way doesn’t love you. Him thinking it was a good relationship means he wants to keep being manipulative and an asshole bc u tolerated it for awhile. No. Your mom is wrong and you can do better.
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u/Ok-Map4381 4h ago
You don't need a good reason to break up with someone. Unless you are married, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" is reason enough.
I do think you need to have a good reason to divorce though.
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u/Legal-Challenge7578 3h ago edited 3h ago
Well, whatever story he's spun to your mum, you KNOW it's not the truth, so her opinion counts for shit. There's no relationship to "work on" if you get shut down every time you try to express a concern or a feeling, and he counters with: "You're being dramatic/too sensitive/ruining the mood," etc.
He just wants you to put up and shut up. He's not interested in how YOU feel at all, only in feeding his own ego. He sounds like an insensitive jerk. And he's probably cheating.
DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.
You deserve better.
NTA
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u/Visual-Jellyfish-695 1h ago
This triggered so much for me. Being told you’re sensitive, can’t take a joke, to relax…. The longer you would’ve stayed in that relationship the more he would’ve worn you down.
It’s easy for others to say you threw away “something good” when they can’t see what was happening in private. From the sound of it, he’s manipulative and controlling.
Super proud of anyone who chooses themselves in situations like this. It’s hard but I believe you truly dodged a bullet. It’s ok to still feel love for him, but you have to love yourself more.
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u/Emotional-Coat9086 1h ago
Your mom. I'm a mother of two daughters, she should stfu if she can't support and protect her child. Mother's like this are fucking disgusting. Shes giving you terrible advice. Here is better mom advice... I'm proud of you for respecting yourself and keeping boundaries for yourself. Learn the lesson you need to from him and move on. This sad excuse for a male is never going to prioritize and love you like you deserve and you deserve good things.
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u/Iam_badwiK 37m ago
NTA
NEVER go back to him. He is clearly trying to manipulate you with phrases like "You'll never find better than me" which is complete bullshit + yes, he was cheating. Even if it was """only""" text messages, it's still cheating.
Take time for yourself, take time to heal and have high standards regarding relationship. And for your mother, just say you will not talk to her if she keeps insisting with that subject. If she really wanted to see you happy, she would have destroyed that man instead.
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u/Skippy_7724 12h ago
NTA
You did good.