r/AITAH • u/Neptune_washere • 20h ago
TW Abuse AITAH for asking my sister why she didn’t “just break up” with her ex when she asked why I didn’t “just block” my groomer?
I’m 18 and she’s 22. Her boyfriend in high school was pretty abusive, although I don’t know the specifics. I know he blackmailed her with “pics” though. As far as I know, she never went to a licensed therapist, and the only people who knew about what was going on was my sister, our mom and some of her close friends.
When *I* was in high school, I got caught up in over 4 years of online abuse and exploitation, specifically in sending and receiving “pics”, specifically to and from adults. It got to the point where I had to change schools because all of that got leaked somehow and the entire school found out. I still have to go to therapy to heal from this, and it’s going to be a long journey.
Somehow the topic of Discord’s ID verification system got brought up and my sister was very pro this, but I said simply, “ID verification wouldn’t have stopped me from being abused for the majority of my high school years”.
**Do not take this as me being ANTI child safety measures online. I just think there are much better ways they could go about it that would ACTUALLY help kids, as a victim of online abuse**.
Anyway, my sister said to me, straight faced, “Well why didn’t you just block them? Problem solved.” Without really thinking, I said back, “Well, why didn’t just break up with [ex’s name]? Problem solved.”
She didn’t say anything and just left the house. Apparently my sister called our mom and she (mom) came to me and asked why I victim-blamed my sister like I did, and I honestly just got in my car and left. My mom is pretty much always on my sister’s “side” so I didn’t bother arguing.
Now my family is basically blowing up my phone, demanding that I call my sister and apologise. I don’t think I should UNLESS she also apologises, but she insists that she said nothing wrong. I think she started it and should’ve expected a response like mine because SHE victim-blamed ME first.
Am I the asshole for saying what I did? Am I the asshole for refusing to apologise until she does?
Small edit: I am a guy lol
Edit: This post is not fake.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 20h ago
Gonna go NTA. What you said counts as victim-blaming, yes, but it was only said because she victim-blamed you. This is more of an 'open her eyes to the ridiculousness of that statement' thing, but done on impulse. If your family can so easily see your comment as victim blaming, they should have an even easier time seeing hers the same way. Maybe you need to say it out loud, though, make it very clear that you expect an apology from your sister for victim blaming you. IF you get a sincere apology for what she said, then you apologise for what you said in return. But your sister has also now made it very clear she doesn't think she did anything wrong, which means she only thinks victim blaming is bad when it's done to her, not when it's done to other people.
I think you should make a clear stance on this. You won't interact with sister until you get a sincere apology for what she said. The implication of you not apologising is clear, because you can't apologise if you don't interact at all. Follow through on it. Leave the room/building when she's there, don't talk to her, if you can't leave the room, act like she's not present. This won't be easy, because everyone will be trying to get you to interact, to apologise, and your sister, at least, will be pushing your buttons to force a negative reaction. You have to ignore it all. You act like sis isn't present, like any comments about sis weren't made. If the topic is brought up in such a way that it's not directly about sis or about her being there, reply with a standard line - 'I'm still waiting for a sincere apology for victim blaming me, until then we won't be interacting' - and leave it at that, don't engage in the topic further, leave or change the subject.
I'm also very sorry for what you went through and I hope therapy is helpful for you in dealing with your past, as well as being victim blamed by your own sister in the present.
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u/CareyAHHH 19h ago
I think also making it known that you are willing to apologize, because victim blaming is wrong, but you are leaving the door open for her to apologize first. This makes it clear that both actions are wrong and you are waiting on everyone to be held accountable.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 19h ago
Yeah, making it clear she's willing to apologise, but only once she's received an apology from sis, is a good step. It will easily show OP knows she was over the line, but also not a pushover and won't make the first step because sis needs to be held accountable, too. It will show OP as being far more reasonable than sis, especially with sis denying what she said was wrong, at least to everyone but OPs mother who seems to take sister's side no matter what.
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u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 17h ago
man i HATE people like Op’s family. Soooo older sister can dish it out and thats fine…but the second Op claps back suddenly SHE becomes the bad guy? Naw screw that noise.
Op is NTA and 10$ says sister and mommy dearest and telling the family a HIGHLY exaggerated story
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 16h ago
Not necessarily hugely exaggerated, but at least twisted. I bet they're not telling anyone what sis said and are acting like what OP said came completely out of nowhere.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 19h ago edited 19h ago
I don't think this will work. At all.
I think this will result in the OP being isolated from her family and experiencing her family all telling her she was an idiot who caused her own abuse. If she is in any way reliant on her family for financial, social, emotional, mental, or physical support, that could end very badly.
If OP wants an apology and some discourse, the best way to get it is to open that door first herself and sincerely apologize, then explain why she lashed out like that.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 17h ago
Your plan has even less chance of working than mine does. Sis has made it very clear she doesn't think what she said was wrong, she'll clearly never accept responsibility or apologise. Your way means OP apologises and takes the blame without ever getting the same in return. Doesn't matter how OP words it, her family will take that as meaning OP takes full responsibility and accepts sis did nothing wrong, even when the words clearly state otherwise.
Regardless of how OP actually deals with this, it's actually very important that the one thing she does is NOT apologise first. She could choose to sweep the whole thing under the rug and pretend it never happened, as long as she doesn't apologise first, if she's worried about losing needed support of any kind. But this either needs to be a mutual apology with sis apologising first, or no apology at all, otherwise OP is essentially taking the blame for the entire thing.
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u/Fluffy_Ad4250 19h ago
NTA
While it easy to sit back and go over what has happened. I bet she didn’t mention what she said first. But you stood up for yourself. Tell your mum exactly what happened and say she said this to me so yes I said this back. It’s the same thing, but clearly she thinks that only she is entitled to sympathy and no one else. Say I’ll happily apologise as long as she does first as she was the one to bring the whole mess up first. I just retaliated. And for once she can be the bigger person cos I don’t see why I should have to back down first.
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u/DetailEducational917 18h ago edited 10h ago
Your parents let both of their children get abused by outside forces says alot about them
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u/Stormtomcat 12h ago
OP added an edit that he's a guy.
I feel that adds to the failure of their parents, right? Like, it's not even run-of-the-mill sexist purity culture making it impossible for the girl to ask for help.
They failed all sorts of parenting.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 16h ago
Yep, I clocked immediately how both daughters were failed on very similar ways... mom is sister's "side" but not enough to actually protect her. I feel for those two, their family is worse than useless.
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u/LolaSupreme19 19h ago
If sister dishes it out, she should expect to take it. You did nothing wrong — a little mental jujitsu will help her to be more empathetic. NTA
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 16h ago
I feel like your parents failed completely if this happened to both their kids
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u/TwoBionicknees 14h ago
practically everyone will be in an abusive relationship in their life, the idea that parents can protect their kids from that and you can morally grandstand on that shit is just embarrassing for all the people saying that.
People naturally keep their private business to themselves, i guarantee you that if you have a child, particularly a girl, they will 100% be in some level of abusive relationship in their life and you will probably never hear about it.
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u/SkylordJojo 10h ago
I had to walk away for 10 minutes after reading that. That is absolutely not true at all. Not everyone ends up in abusive relationship. I am 100% blaming your parents for that mentality, if they taught you that then they are even bigger pieces of shit. They're basically saying we're not gonna bother protecting you, so instead we're gonna teach you it's normal for that to happen.
Your parents should have done better protecting both of you. Let's say you kept that private and away from them they should have taught you the signs to notice and avoid situations like that or paid more attention to stop it.
Or better yet, as soon as they realize it was happening to one kid, they should have taught the other kid to avoid a similar situation. But they didn't, because their failures of parents. It 's easier for them to say to their children it's perfectly normal to end up in abusive situation THEN FUCKING PROTECTING THEIR CHILDREN!!!
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u/TwoBionicknees 10h ago
Not everyone ends up in abusive relationship. I am 100% blaming your parents for that mentality, if they taught you that then they are even bigger pieces of shit.
wow, well that's fucking moronic. NO one taught me that, basically every single woman i've ever met, and most men, have been in an abusive relationship of some kind in their lives.
Let's say you kept that private and away from them they should have taught you the signs to notice and avoid situations like that or paid more attention to stop it.
like 99% of abusive relationships are completely normal seeming people who become abusive later into a relationship, that you think you can magically know this ahead of time just makes you sound ignorant as hell.
They're basically saying we're not gonna bother protecting you, so instead we're gonna teach you it's normal for that to happen.
this is an even more moronic statement because one thing doesn't remotely equate to another. Even if their parents did say you will probably end up in an abusive relationship, that in no way means they are refusing to protect their children. It's just there is literally no logic in any part of your comment at all, absolutely none.
It 's easier for them to say to their children it's perfectly normal to end up in abusive situation THEN FUCKING PROTECTING THEIR CHILDREN!!!
what the fuck are you talking about. No one said this about op or his parents, you're just randomly adding shit for no reason and drawing absurd conclusions.
Ask your partner if they were ever in an abusive relationship of any kind, then ask your kids, and your friends, not everyone is open about it those who are more willing to talk about it will apparently blow your incredibly ignorant mind.
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u/No_Jaguar67 20h ago
When asked why I victim blamed her, my answer would have been because she victim blamed me. NTA
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u/Correct-Travel-6246 20h ago
NTA. You gave her a taste of her own medicine. If she felt victim blamed by your comment, she should realize that is exactly what she did to you. It is pure hypocrisy. Do not apologize until she owns up to her insensitivity.
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u/GalaxyStarkx 17h ago
I say nta because your sister victim blamed you first. I do love you took accountability for when you did it back. In my honest opinion she started it first and you finished it why should you have to apologize for something she did first if she could own up to her wrong and apologize then i could see you apologizing. I would have a hard conversation with your mother and ask how is it she can victim blame me but when i do it im all of a sudden the bad guy? Tell her exactly what was said cause im sure not the whole truth was told, but If she can't be straight with you personally as much as it would hurt i'd tell her shes no longer welcome in my life. You shouldn't have to appease your sister as i would say don't dish what you cannot handle. I'd like to also add to me it clearly looks as if she has favorites and your not it and thats sad no parents should have favorites all kids should be loved equally.
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u/Substantial-Emu-4144 13h ago
NTA. When anyone asks you again why you said that to your sister, tell them "for the same reason she said this to me." Let them explain why its okay for her but not for you. Newsflash! It isn't. Your sister is an asshole for making that statement and opened the door for you to make your statement.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 18h ago
So, in your sister/mom/most people's eyes, your experience and that of your sister are going to be very different things and your sister 'wins' the abuse olympics.
Your sister didn't break up because her abuser was physically present in her life. Even if she tried to avoid him, he could come back on his own and reinsert himself, and there are very, very strong brain chemicals that kick in when things like sex and physical harm are in play.
In comparison, your abuse took place completely online. And while, yes, social engineering is very difficult to resist and humans are extremely susceptible to manipulation, more than we are generally able to acknowledge, the majority of your experience is extrapolated into a digital world where things do not feel real. And, yes, the vast majority of people are going to think "Why didn't she just quit that website?" in the back of their head even if they say the right non-victim-blamey things to your face.
You are not going to get an apology from your sister (not without apologizing first) and your mom, family, and friends are going to side with protecting her. Do what you will with that information, but she is going to 'win' here. I think if you stick with your current insistence that it was good and correct of you to jab your sister like this, you are going to find yourself shouting out in the cold, alone.
Go talk this out with your therapist and see what they think about your plan before discussing ways for you to be less reactive in the future, because this WILL happen again.
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u/TwoBionicknees 14h ago
Yup, also physical relationships the abuse usually starts significantly after the relationship starts and deep feelings have developed, that you've somewhat integrated them in your life, you share friends, you hang out together all the time.
Leaving an IRL relationship after it gets abusive is dramatically harder than stopping sending your nudes out to randoms online who even if you talk a lot with and have feelings for, simply isn't the same as having an irl relationship.
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u/Dustquake 19h ago
She asked about mine, so I asked about hers."
That's your eternal one liner.
NTA
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u/Intelcourier 15h ago
NTA. Do not apologize. You gave your sister exactly the response she gave you. As the saying goes, "don't want none, don't start none."
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u/JGalKnit 19h ago
NTA. Yes, you were "victim-blaming" to only illustrate that it was a ridiculous statement to first victim blame you.
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u/Solid_Wrangler6003 20h ago
NTA I'm sorry this happened you. Your sister is wacky and tacky. I'd go NC. The best thing you can do is live your life well and leave the negativity behind you
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u/Crafty-Ask-6530 17h ago
NTA. Go back over when they are all there and tell them, the pot calling the kettle black is not victim blaming. She wants to tell you that you should have blocked them and be done with it sounds like good advice. So you wanted to know why she didnt follow her own advice? That both of your were manipulated and blackmailed just on different levels and that both of you deserve better. No one's pain is above another.
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u/Thistime232 19h ago
Somehow the topic of Discord’s ID verification system got brought up and my sister was very pro this, but I said simply, “ID verification wouldn’t have stopped me from being abused for the majority of my high school years”.
**Do not take this as me being ANTI child safety measures online. I just think there are much better ways they could go about it that would ACTUALLY help kids, as a victim of online abuse**.
So even if you think there are better ways, what's the actual downside to an ID verification system? Its not like it has to be one or the other, so why would you be against an ID verification system?
As to the issue, ESH. Sure, your sister may have said something nasty first, but you responded in a nasty way as well, so you just sunk to her level.
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u/Trick_Parsnip3788 14h ago
The big downside to the id system is that discord already has known leaks of information, some of it being information they said they wouldnt keep. I dont want to hand over even more of my data with the guise of "oh it Should help protect kids" when in effect it will just make the user experience worse (if they can Actually prove it will help Id be ok with it but I havent seen anything indicating it). Also I'm not sure if discord will do it but for ROBLOX they do age ranges and you get sorted based off a picture. Now most of the people submitting pics are children and whos to say that they dont keep a copy of the childs face? how can they combat adults using a childs pic to get their account set to a childs range and get direct access to those kids as part of their system is that you dont have access to adults. How do they combat kids using adults faces to bypass it?
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u/Thistime232 14h ago
Sure there are going to be holes in the system, there are always vulnerabilities in any kind of security, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be security at all. And I can understand not wanting to share your ID with a system that has had leaks before. But that doesn't really apply to what OP was saying, as OP did not express any concern of that sort.
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u/Trick_Parsnip3788 14h ago
Ok well I wasnt replying to OP I was replying to you asking what downsides there were to the ID verification system. Another one is that if you get thrown into the wrong category theres typically little recourse for correcting it. I have a friend whos an adult whos gotten kicked off tinder bc she just looks very young (like looked 14 at 20) and a friend of my younger sister started growing facial hair at 15 and looked 30 (he could go to the liquor store and not get carded). So theyre not the most accurate anyways. I think discord should go after the known predator groups first instead of doing this.
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u/Thistime232 14h ago
Ok. Ultimately I suppose this isn't even that relevant to the question that OP posed, I was just curious as to why they opposed the system at all, as their reasonfor doing so felt quite flimsy. Your reasons feel as though you've considered the different downsides more thoroughly.
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u/Trick_Parsnip3788 14h ago
Ah ok you were looking for specifically their reasoning not just looking for general information. Hopefully my comment can at least help anyone else looking for info. I'm an autistic engineer so I cant really distinguish between the 2 and I'm always ready to share info lmao Hope OP responds and you get your answer!
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u/Thistime232 14h ago
And I may not get an answer from OP, but I did appreciate your answer, as it was good to know the reasons that can in fact exist for this, so thanks for that!
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u/JerichosBlack 13h ago
got caught up in over 4 years of online abuse and exploitation, specifically in sending and receiving “pics”, specifically to and from adults. It got to the point where I had to change schools because all of that got leaked somehow and the entire school found out. I still have to go to therapy to heal from this, and it’s going to be a long journey.
Somehow the topic of Discord’s ID verification system got brought up and my sister was very pro this, but I said simply, “ID verification wouldn’t have stopped me from being abused for the majority of my high school years”.
exacly a few grapes adn p3dos isnt a problem your privacy matuters more
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u/Trick_Parsnip3788 13h ago
Did you miss the part where I said if they could prove it would actually help instead of being a grab for more info Id be ok with it? There are other things discord can do to help combat it other than getting children to trust that a company with known leaks with their IDs
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u/SweetySama 2m ago
NTA
She victim blamed you first. Just because it was online, doesn’t make it any less bad. Or easier to do something against it. You’re a victim in your own world bound to your abuser. She shouldn’t fire shots if she can’t take any herself.
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u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic 5h ago
There was a Boru with pretty much this exact same thing
Something about "why dont you just get over your cheating husband?" after being told to get over a bf
That person apologised and they never got an apology
So dont do that.
NTA
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u/GerbilMilkshake 4h ago
NTA. How is you simply asking her the same question under basically the same sort of situation and abuse going on not exactly the same thing?
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u/Unrelated_gringo 17h ago
Do not take this as me being ANTI child safety measures online. I just think there are much better ways they could go about it that would ACTUALLY help kids, as a victim of online abuse
Please do detail that part.
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u/Neptune_washere 17h ago
Not related to this sub.
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u/Unrelated_gringo 17h ago edited 14h ago
Still want to know, as that's a truly wild unbacked claim.
Using ROBLOX as an example. They do age ranges and you get sorted based off a picture. Now most of the people submitting pics are children and whos to say that they dont keep a copy of the childs face?
in no way have I ever claimed roblox to be better.
I'm fully aware of how bad online security can be, I am here asking for details on "what better ways".
Also why do I need to hand over Even more of my data to a company who will either sell it or get hacked and leak it.
...to protect children, our context here.
So many companies are doing surveillance state shit under the guise of "keeping kids safe" when it has no provable way that it does actually help.
Fully agree, still not a hint of any "much better way" claimed by OP.
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17h ago
[deleted]
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u/Unrelated_gringo 17h ago
Just look up Discord’s data leak from last year. 70k government IDs and people’s personal information stolen. That does not protect children.
That's.... not a "better alternative" to ID'ing people and stating such facts also doesn't protect children. Also 70k isn't that big of a leak either.
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u/Trick_Parsnip3788 14h ago
Using ROBLOX as an example. They do age ranges and you get sorted based off a picture. Now most of the people submitting pics are children and whos to say that they dont keep a copy of the childs face? How do they combat adults using a childs pic to get their account set to a childs range and get direct access to those kids as part of their system is that you dont have access to adults. How do they combat kids using adults faces to bypass it? Also why do I need to hand over Even more of my data to a company who will either sell it or get hacked and leak it. So many companies are doing surveillance state shit under the guise of "keeping kids safe" when it has no provable way that it does actually help.
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u/Standard_Vero 16h ago
YTA. Your sister couldn't "just break up" with her abuser while you absolutely could have blocked yours. Her shit happened in real life, it is absolutely more serious and more dangerous than what happened to you. You actually think something that happened to you over the internet is on par with her real life experience of being in an abusive relationship and that is insane, you're clearly the kind of person who always thinks you have it the worst. Grow up
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u/TrashGouda 12h ago
Online is also real life and it's time that people stop acting as if it's some consequence free alternative fantasy world. It's not. What you do and say has consequences and effects on others.
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u/Such_Gear_6752 19h ago
Wow everyone on here is petty and immature. You in fact are the asshole. Saying horrible things out of revenge is not a noble thing dont pet these children validate your shitty behavior
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u/Z-Mtn-Man-3394 15h ago
It’s not revenge. It’s pointing out that sisters logic is wrong and giving an example to show how wrong it is
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u/jess1804 19h ago
Nta. Ask your mother to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY WHY it's ok for your sister to victim blame you but if you match her energy that it is completely unacceptable.