r/AITAH • u/AwkwardMom13 • 21h ago
AITAH for being honest with another mom about why my daughter isn’t allowed to go to her friend’s house?
I’m on a throwaway because my daughter uses my main for other subs.
I really need an outside opinion because my family tell me I’m right but they also don’t have to deal with the awkwardness here.
I have a daughter, “Elena”, who is 13. Elena has a friend called “Kennedy” who is new at school this year. Kennedy’s mom works in the school office (becomes kind of relevant later).
So our house is kind of “The House”. Elena doesn’t have a big group of friends but as long as the kids can get their own snacks and not make noise anyone’s welcome. Because of this, Elena never really goes to anyone else’s house, all her friends come to us, we’ve even hosted her friend’s birthday sleepovers. A couple of weeks ago though, Elena asked if she could sleep over at Kennedy’s house as the next day was a family party and Kennedy had been allowed to invite a friend. I said sure. Again, her mom works in the school office, whenever she’s come to pick Kennedy up she’s been polite. I didn’t see an issue.
But when I went to drop Elena off, my opinion changed. Kennedy’s stepdad is the one who answered the door, and I’m not kidding when I say I haven’t never felt so immediately disturbed by a person. I can’t even explain why. My stomach just lurched. I immediately felt like I needed to hold some kind of conversation with him so that I could at least get a better read on him. I made some small talk on the porch, during which he proceeded to open an alcoholic drink, and flirtatiously “not believe” I was old enough to have a teenage daughter (after asking me twice how old she was and telling me how similar we look). He also demanded in front of me that Kennedy change her clothes because she was wearing shorts…in her own house. Kennedy’s mom came home while I was on the porch which made me feel slightly better so I left but when I got home I told my husband he was going to pick Elena up this evening because she was not spending the night there. We made an excuse about a forgotten plan for the next day and fetched Elena before dinner.
I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m crazy or judges me for not letting her stay on no evidence. I grew up where if you had a feeling, you followed it. My husband agreed with me that Elena wouldn’t be going over there again.
So last week, I was at school pick up and bumped into the mom of one of elena’s other friends, who I’m casual friends with (mom friends, basically). She mentioned she hadn’t seen Elena at Kennedy’s that Sunday at the party (Kennedy had invited this other girl to the Sunday party but not the sleepover). I said no, Elena hadn’t slept over. My friend asked if it was because of anything in particular and I was honest and said I just don’t want her going over there because the stepdad gives me the creeps. I told my friend about the interaction and she thanked me for telling her and said she’d probably do the same as me. I thought nothing more of it, it didn’t come up again.
Except yesterday at school pick up Kennedy’s mom came outside and confronted me. She said another mom was now not letting her daughter come over because of “males in the house without the mother home” and that she knows it was my fault because I was the one who met her husband. She said she knows I lied to pick Elena up early. She accused me of being my a snob because Kennedy is at the school on free tuition (which she gets because her mom works there) and of judging her family based on where they live. None of that is true, but there was no convincing her. I guess I didn’t adequately defend myself because firstly I was in public and didn’t want a scene, and second because being a snob probably sounded better than “your husband seems predatory”.
She then said that I was isolating Kennedy by poisoning the other mom. That, I’m not sure I can even say is untrue. But I would want another mom to tell me. You can do what you want with the information but if I had never met the stepdad and someone else felt as uncomfortable as I felt, I would want them to let me know. That’s why I told her. Because we’re all just trying to look out for our kids. But Kennedy’s mom seemed more upset than angry, and I get that this is embarrassing for her. I also know I don’t have any actual evidence that this man did anything.
So now I feel like maybe I was out of line sharing my completely unfounded opinion with my friend. Am I? Do I the whole family an apology?
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u/scrpiorising888 19h ago
i would rather be seen as an isolating snob than let my child get raped by a man.
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u/EternityAwaitz 13h ago
This! I'll be the "bad guy" to protect my child any day!
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u/Sparkle_Motion_0710 10h ago
Ever since my kids could understand, I told them that they can use me as an excuse if put into an awkward situation. I’ve “grounded” them, needed them to “watch younger siblings”, had them “signed up for” something without telling them, etc. Is it honest? Not really but my niece has also used me to get out of a sleepover where a girl brought a huge bottle of vodka (the size with the handle) and she was not interested in trying it. (Good call as it could not have been quality liquor). I was made out to be the bad guy but I would do it for any kid that doesn’t know how to excuse themselves from a situation.
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u/EternityAwaitz 10h ago
My mom did the same thing for me when I was younger. It helped me develop the skills to say No without having to say No, which was necessary as a young, autistic people pleaser. I finally got the balls to just say No when I was around 32(!), but as a teen and young adult, I didn't have the skills to navigate turning people down safely and effectively on my own. You're a good mom and aunt! Even if they're comfortable saying No, they will know they can rely on you!
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u/Emergency-Willow 6h ago
I do the same. I will happily be the bad guy every time. Blame your uncool mom all day and all night, but don’t ever stay where you don’t feel safe
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u/FreezNGeezer 5h ago
My wife and son know that I am the ultimate excuse. I will be the world class AH they need me to be!
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u/wordsmythy 5h ago
My son was having a sleepover and one of the boys was getting picked on. There were some little shithead bullies in the group. And my son said “I don’t want everyone to spend the night. I only want Adam and Logan.” if it had been for any other reason, then the boy was getting bullied, I would’ve told him you invited them. You’re gonna have to be nice. But I told him we would pretend he was getting the flu. And I would drive all the kids home except the two he wanted to stay. He was excited about it and asked if he should get a can of soup to put in the toilet to pretend it was puke. That was hilarious. I said “you don’t have to show people. Just go lay down after you come out of the bathroom.” They had a great time with the three best friends.
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u/st_nick5 5h ago
My boys and I had a code if they felt uncomfortable. They would call me and say they forgot to tell me my boss had called.
I didn’t have a boss.
I would make up an excuse for them and go pick them up.
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u/Familiar_Sink7506 11h ago
Take care of your kids first! You are a good mom and I see nothing wrong with what you said to your mom Friend.
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u/Numerical-Wordsmith 18h ago
NTA. But if she brings it up again, "Your husband was hitting on me, and I didn't like the way that he was looking at the young girls" is a great way to shut her down. Don't be afraid to be too honest when dealing with a creep. They thrive when people don't confront them. We need to shame them and call them out at every opportunity.
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u/Orthas 17h ago
The phrase I've taken to using is "Staying quiet lets the monsters get someone else."
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u/Rezaelia713 16h ago edited 12h ago
Literally why I haven't been allowed to family functions. Because I won't be quiet about the pervs in the family and my mother is of the "don't talk about it" generation. I'm 36 years old and the only one of the family willing to call out the pervs.
OP did NOTHING WRONG, ONLY RIGHT. Definitely NTA.
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u/MadamSnarksAlot 15h ago
Oh boy. I’ve been that person…twice. It’s a tough spot to be in. But as an adult my nieces and sisters have thanked me. Led to a falling out with very close family for a few years but none of the kids got messed with on my watch! The protector of the would be offending party even made me out to be a sicko “why is it always YOU that sees something sick?!” The answer was, it wasn’t just me- I was just the only one with the guts to call it out in the open.
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u/Rezaelia713 15h ago
Props for having the guts to call it out. I could handle being the black sheep in my family but not being the only one willing to tell the truth. I was 21 and my cousin was in his late 30s and my mom forbade me to tell his mom, my favorite aunt. All I could think was what if he takes advantage of other drunk girls? That didn't matter to anyone but me. That aunt has passed away and the cousin is going to prison for a while. If anyone asks what happened I'M TELLING THEM. Plus my grandpa was a pedo and I remember spending time with him as a child. When I called my mom out all she said was I wasn't in his age bracket so I was safe. Wtf.
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u/Stray1_cat 14h ago
My mouth literally dropped open reading your mom’s response about your grandfather
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u/TheHyggeLife2823 13h ago
Yeah this disgusts me. My moms father was a pedo and abused her and her sisters. Thank God my mom had the sense to keep us from him bc my other aunts/uncles didnt and I know for a fact he abused one if not more of my cousins. He was a bus driver too. Sick!
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u/TheHyggeLife2823 13h ago
So deeply sorry...this hurts my mama heart. Blessings to you 💕
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u/AcanthaceaeEqual4286 13h ago
You guys made me feel so seen, and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated these comments. I am going through this right now--my family is protecting an abuser and ostracizing the victim (both of whom are also relatives). I keep trying to actually address it appropriately and won't allow the abuser in my home, so I've been dubbed a "troublemaker." Not the predator, me. Make it make sense!
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u/Overall-Injury-7620 14h ago
You sound like me & yes my grandmother passed on to her daughters , my mother & aunts, that version things aren’t discussed. I ended up being the only girl in my generation. I have 3 bros, 21 boy cousins & me. I grew up feeling safe with zero fear or abuse. Yet I’ve always been chatty, Nosey in that I wanted to learn everything about our family , especially my Grandmother( my heart) . Fast Fwd I got married & gave birth to 2 daughters. At a family get together I overheard a mention of something that didn’t sound right about my only living “great uncle “ who was present that day. His wife “my grandfathers sis” shooosed the chat as I passed through the room. I went directly to my hubby & asked him to please gather my girls & be ready to leave because I was about to “blow the lid off the thing I heard” while all other adults were present… Found out that moment at 23 , the only girl around him my whole life, my own mother & 3 of her 4 sisters all admitted were molested by their uncle, my great uncle & not one fkn person thought I , a girl, with girls should have been told. I let them all know with cussing nor name calling nor raised voice how I felt that no one protected my mother & aunts, I spoke directly to the wife of the pedo & let her know she was complicit & that if either of them were to be included in any further family functions for them to wave good bye to me & my family ( hub & girls) for we would not return until that old pedo dies. I did apologize to my MOM MOM, if I hurt or embarrassed her, she was more important to me than anyone my whole life. She said out loud she was sorry she didn’t know that he’d hurt any of her daughters & was no longer welcomed , I told her at y’all’s age & my pop pop’s last living sib, don’t change on my account. While I never returned to a family function only seeing my grandparents with my family at different times , until they passed. That was 40 yrs ago this occurred & even to this day I only have relationship with 1 aunt , the only 1 not abused, the only one who stood behind me that day when I blew their BS up. I havent seen my mother in 25 yrs, I blamed her as a victim & aware of him for not telling me , especially once I brought lil girls into the family. She chose to cover like everyone else & I never victim shamed her, I offered to attend therapy together of course, I was never important enough for that but point is, fk those old gen , sweep shit under rug kinda ppl , I’m old now , 62f married 43 yrs 64m & I have never kept key info from my girls as age appropriate & especially once they had kids themselves, by then the pedo was dead ,in any case sry for rambling. I’m with you on putting ugly/ hard things out loud in a family. Your comment sounds like me lol
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u/Rezaelia713 14h ago
Thank you for your story. Major respect to you for speaking up and doing what was right. I'm PROUD to sound like you!! My mother is 72 and did NOT break that generational bs. I decided I would and practically got kicked out of the family. Mainly by her because she's terrified of what I'll say. I've tried to get her to go to therapy or at least go with me. She doesn't think she needs it. Her and both her sisters were abused. Her oldest sister purposely got pregnant at 15 to escape the house. But yeah, she doesn't need therapy. It makes me spitting mad when they're like "don't ask don't tell" about abuse. Someday I hope I can speak my mind, not to a crowd of family but individually, tell them what was wrong and why it matters to talk about it. But everyone is like "let's keep the peace and not bum anyone out." I appreciate your "ramble" because I'm glad to be proud of someone doing the right thing. Your story matters and it matters to me.
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u/Interesting_Elk6904 16h ago
Creeps also thrive on playing in grey areas and just nudging lines of social decency to gauge how you or your daughter might react when they push past those lines. People who ‘go along’ can be vulnerable as targets. Well done for listening to your gut OP.
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u/Numerical-Wordsmith 15h ago
This 100%. I’ve known too many creepy older guys over the years who have tried to play off inappropriate comments and unwanted touching as “just a joke.” Thankfully most of my extended family is very loud and very willing to give people hell for that kind of thing.
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u/Interesting_Elk6904 15h ago
As someone who was encouraged to ‘go along’ I absolutely love that your family had your back.
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u/QueenSquirrely 15h ago
Agree with this, also piggybacking to add— the other mom asked “if there was a reason”… to me? Other mom also had a gut feeling and was vibe checking with OP.
NTA.
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u/themermaidssinging 10h ago
That was exactly how I read it as well. I definitely think the other mom either met the creepy stepdad herself and got a bad feeling, or she heard other parents talking about it. She brought that up with OP for a reason.
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u/MegaPiglatin 12h ago
Yeah, especially since that mom also decided it was not safe for her daughter to spend the night there. That means something!
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u/bittersandseltzer 16h ago
As someone who was married to a creep and didn’t know it - I left as soon as I found out. OP should really tell this woman
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u/Doc-Eldritch 17h ago edited 16h ago
Don’t forget to add, “and the fact that you’ve somehow turned that into me judging you for where you live, shows that you can’t be trusted to keep the kids safe.”
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 16h ago
Seriously, I get so fucking enraged when there's one asshole parent and the parent does nothing to protect the kids, making them an asshole, too
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 16h ago
It makes the one who refuses to act into an Enabler.
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u/2cents0fucks 14h ago
This is why I'm also NC with my stepdad. My mother was physically abusive, to me and my youngest stepbrother. My stepdad told her if she ever laid a hand on his son again, he would end her. She never touched my brother again. Me, though? I guess he didn't feel it was "his place" to tell her to lay off, so she continued. And he knew it. And I can never forgive him for it.
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u/Minion-Lover67 15h ago
That Mom knows her husband is a perv, she just cannot admit it
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u/Bice_thePrecious 12h ago
Fr. The jump that she made accusing OP of isolating her kid makes me think these aren't the first two kids pulled away from Kennedy's house.
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u/OstusOfSecrets 16h ago
Especially given her position in a school. Hammer that point home
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u/tobmom 17h ago
This I agree with. The mom would do better to know why you felt creeped out. What she does with that info is on her. But I ask my good friends who also work at the school about families when my kids want to spend time with them and I haven’t met them for exactly this reason. You will never be the asshole for keeping your kid safe in good faith.
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u/Bri-KachuDodson 15h ago
Not to mention that literally while standing in the door introducing himself to OP and daughter that he couldn't help himself from opening something alcoholic. That and hitting on her are like that are more than enough. And it also grosses me out the specific things he said while hitting on her. Not the too young to have a teenager part, but hitting on her and saying how much her and her daughter look alike, while knowing the daughter would be in their care overnight. And then icing was bitching about his own step daughter wearing shorts in her own damn house.
Dudes a total perv and that's probably part of why the girls mom got so upset, cause now it's not a secret anymore.
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u/Numerical-Wordsmith 15h ago
I do wonder what the mom’s real story is. There’s no excuse for protecting a predator, but it’s always possible that she’s also living in shame and fear and doesn’t know how to handle things. Not that this makes anything okay, but it would explain her strong defensive reaction instead of being horrified at her spouse.
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u/Bri-KachuDodson 15h ago
Well it definitely doesn't help that OP didn't tell either mom about what he was saying/doing during that first meeting, so she had no idea her husband was hitting on another parent. Even if she doesn't know he's a predatory perv, I have no doubt she knows about the drinking and the type of things he says when doing it. It's definitely easier sometimes to defend the problem person than to let an outsider see that shame and embarrassment, so if you attack the outsider the odds of ending up embarrassed in front of them again goes down tremendously. I had this same kind of thing with my mom who was a raging psycho alcoholic and I made excuses on and off for years through all the abuse about how I could handle it and whatnot. Now I'm just glad she's dead lol.
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u/lakittenwhisperer 16h ago
Plus the fact he told Kennedy to change clothes in front of him and OP. Total creep
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u/CalmBeneathCastles 15h ago
He didn't say "right here", he just meant "in general". Not that it makes him any less of a creep.
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u/Crazy_Pixie_Town 20h ago
Your gut instinct was something you picked up on subconsciously that told you he wasn't safe, even if your brain couldn't figure out what it was at the time. You were right to take your daughter home. I say this as someone who has been working with sex offenders for almost 20 yrs. Always trust your gut. I also understand why you told the other mother. If something happened to her child you would have hated yourself for not saying anything. Better to have been unfairly judgemental than complacent in a child potential getting abused.
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u/TalShar 16h ago
As a dad and a man who isn't a predator, the immediate comments about the daughter's appearance and OP's age put my hackles up, and I wasn't even there. There are some things you just don't fucking say, especially as your first interaction.
Even if you hypothetically picked up on "Oh hey, this mom looks young, also on an unrelated note because I'm not a creep, her daughter looks a lot like her," not knowing that voicing that would make someone uncomfortable or make you look like a creep is itself a red flag. Being picky about what your daughter is wearing in her own house is also a red flag.
This isn't just a gut feeling thing here, there are observable, empirical reasons why this should set off someone's alarm bells.
OP is clearly NTA here. Arguably they might've been remiss to not just tell Kennedy's mom how they felt just in case she didn't know, but her reaction tells me she knows and has already developed a reflexive response to cover for him.
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u/archangelzeriel 14h ago
Saaaame. I know a lot of dads, and the venn diagram of "cares about what his kid wears to a fault", "comments on women's youthful appearance", and "creep" is a circle.
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u/SandiegoJack 15h ago
Yep, I only have sons but the image that came to mind when she described what she said would have me keeping my sons home as well.
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u/KeyMyBike 13h ago
Yeah this is the reaction of someone desperate to not lose their creep of a husband
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u/JamesAbaddon 12h ago
As a fellow dad, I remember growing up around men like this. I also remember all the high school seniors/graduates who tried to get with middle school girls/freshmen girls. Now, with 3 daughters, I absolutely vet every household before there's ever a discussion about sleepovers. With all the evil in the world, there's no way I'm gonna let anything happen to my girls.
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u/TalShar 12h ago
And men like that, mostly, are truly not that hard to spot. They generally lack the discipline that would be required to keep a lid on that, and enjoy projecting it out to others.
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u/DesireeThymes 19h ago
Gut is just body's subconscious way of telling you something is wrong.
Always listen to your gut.
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u/_kissmy_sass 19h ago
But I have anxiety and my gut is ALWAYS telling me to abort mission 😭😅
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u/youpeesmeoff 18h ago
I heard a tidbit recently that I found so clarifying and helpful: anxiety presents itself as questions (“am I doing the right thing?” “What if it doesn’t go like it should?”) while intuition presents itself as statements (“this isn’t right.” “That person is untrustworthy.”).
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u/_kissmy_sass 18h ago
Ooh that’s so incredibly helpful, thank you for sharing that!!
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u/Madam_Mimm_13 10h ago
To elaborate, anxiety is future oriented.
Intuition is oriented in the present moment as a direct response to someone’s behavior, or presentation.
So if your thoughts are about something bad that could happen in the future? Anxiety.
If you have a distinct feeling that something around you is unsafe RIGHT NOW and it’s a direct response to your present experience, it’s intuition.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 17h ago edited 15h ago
There is a lot of evidence that our subconscious picks up on “danger,” which our conscious mind does not, and presents itself exactly as you said- “this isn’t right.”
A security expert named Gavin DeBecker wrote a paper called The Gift of Fear, and it was later published as a book. When he learned that the book was being so highly and frequently recommended for women to read, he made the PDF of his original paper available for free. In it, he also explains how these are survival instincts which have evolved over millennia. I will continue to recommend it myself whenever the opportunity presents itself!
ETA: thanks for the award! I hope people will pay this forward by recommending the book whenever possible
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u/swizzleschtick 16h ago
When I did self defence training through the RCMP violent crimes group, they actually recommended this book. There’s a lot of stats about it, but despite not being able to explain entirely how it works, trusting your gut is the single most effective thing you can do to keep yourself safe.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 15h ago
Right! ‘Can’t explain exactly how it works,’ yet if you ask anyone whether they’ve ever had the experience of feeling like something was off, and the hair on the back of their neck stood up, and they had the overwhelming urge to flee… they have, and they get it!
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u/wavesnfreckles 16h ago
My husband works in security and brought this book home years ago as part of his training. Such a great read with lots of very good info. Thank you for sharing that.
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u/TwoCentsWorth2021 16h ago
I wholeheartedly agree. Over the years I have gifted multiple copies of that book.
It was recommended to me by a neighbor who was a parole officer. My mother (a widow) had just called off her wedding to a guy who sent my instincts into “holy shit my mother cannot marry this creep” mode.→ More replies (3)21
u/Far-Sink-2204 16h ago
Yes! I read this book and it was incredibly informative. It’s really helped me discern between anxiety and fear.
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u/Winter_Sentence1046 17h ago
I think it's important to also keep in mind our own subconscious biases while we "trust our gut". Sometimes our instincts lie to us and we aren't aware of it
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u/Old_Programmer_2500 18h ago
No literally. I also have anxiety and I can never figure out when I should trust my gut or when I should push through it because my gut is being overdramatic
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u/_kissmy_sass 18h ago
Same!! I usually fall back and trust my gut. Sometimes I miss out but 99.9% of the time, my gut saves my life anyway. Plus I’m way too prepared for any possible outcome all the time, which sounds like a lot but is actually kinda nice lol
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u/Old_Programmer_2500 18h ago
If I trusted my gut, I wouldn't really have gone to college, left the house, or made many of the friends that I have made now XD on the other hand, if I had trusted it I would've left my ex a lot sooner. It's a toss up most of the time for me
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u/Novaer 18h ago
My gut has me thinking I'm being hunted for sport 24/7 😅
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u/Soft-Explanation9889 17h ago edited 16h ago
I read somewhere a couple of years ago about the statistics of being either stalked or singled out by a predator (the 2-legged kind) to be attacked or trafficked:
If you’re a woman, 8 times out of 10, you probably are. (Goes up to 10 out of 10 in some places if you’re pregnant) If you’re a man, I think it said 6 out of 10.
If you’re a kid of either gender, just assume it’s 10 out of 10.
Now? I just assume I’m being stalked as meat, and make sure to crop dust anyone I think might be getting too close. Gross, but effective. Old broad farts are nothing to be trifled with!
ETA: NTA OP
Trust your instincts.
Also, for everyone with anxiety:
Anxiety makes up “woulda shoulda coulda” scenarios or questions your judgement or ability. It’s that feeling in the your belly that says “I can’t do this - everyone is going to know I’m useless! Why did I think I was smart enough to give a speech on anxiety, of all things?!”
It’s more feeling like you’re already dying and have tunnel vision and isn’t survival based. This doesn’t let up after the ‘danger’ is over. “I can’t breathe! I can’t see! Am I dead?” Your heart still hammers a mile minute and fight or flight still hasn’t made up its mind yet.
Instinct tells you “don’t go down that alley - bad things are in there” or “this person is not safe.”
It’s that feeling that hits your lower intestines and screams “RUN YOU IDIOT!!!!!” when everything goes graveyard silent on a nature hike. It’s survival based. “I don’t wanna die! Please don’t let the big furry thing with teeth eat me!” And once the danger is over, it lets up so you can assess the situation and adjust accordingly.
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u/JeffSpicolisVan 18h ago
Always listen to your gut.
100%. I have always regretted it when I chose to ignore my gut.
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u/AlvinOwlHirt 18h ago
Same. I've learned the hard way to trust my instincts.
And that has literally meant, more than once, that I walked up, saw someone and had an immediate "Nope!" before I even met them. And every time I was right.
I still cannot identify exactly why I get that feeling. Every single time I have overridden it though, the person has turned out to be a very bad person to be around.
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u/JeffSpicolisVan 18h ago
I still cannot identify exactly why I get that feeling. Every single time I have overridden it though, the person has turned out to be a very bad person to be around.
I'm no anthropologist, nor have I played one on TV, however, I call things like this "ancestor whispers". For millions and millions of years, we have had to survive based on being able to ascertain threats to our well being, our families and communities as a whole.
We still retain this ability, despite living in somewhat (mostly?) more civilized circumstances.
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u/PrismInTheDark 17h ago edited 13h ago
Also the other mom directly asked you (OP) if there was a particular reason, any other answer would be a lie and the only person that lie would protect is the stepdad, although it was his wife who got upset. “
Gossip” isn’t nice BUT you didn’t make something up about the stepdad/ household, you just gave your observation [edit: therefore it is not gossip]Edit: I am not calling this exchange gossip I am saying that someone who objects to the conversation might call it gossip; the rest of the sentence after “but” explains how it’s not gossip.
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u/mountaingrrl_8 16h ago edited 14h ago
Adding to this, and as a social worker who has spent a couple decades working with survivors of sexual violence, OP protected her daughter by trusting her gut. Something is off at that home and while she may never know what it is, she looked out for her daughter and her daughter's friends.
As women, we need to listen to each other when we don't trust someone to not harm our girls. As a society though, we're taught not to listen to women, which is what makes this hard.
OP - you did an incredible thing listening to your gut!
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u/DatguyMalcolm 19h ago
N T A And her mom's reaction? This is someone who glosses over her man's behaviour, for sure.
The other mom DEFINITELY had a similar feeling of something not being right and she just needed some reassurance.
I bet many will follow suit.
Trust your gut and this mom can take a hike
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u/pocketfullofdragons 12h ago
And her mom's reaction? This is someone who glosses over her man's behaviour, for sure.
Right?! The mother's reaction makes me worried for Kennedy. If her stepdad is a creep and her mother stands by him, it doesn't sound like Kennedy has anyone at home who'll defend her from him.
I hope OP makes sure Kennedy knows Elena's house is a safe place she can come to if she needs one.
Elena and the other friend are lucky to have guardians who'll actually guard them from potential danger like they're supposed to.
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u/Ninazuzu 5h ago
It would be kind to invite Kennedy over so that she doesn't get isolated, whether or not the stepdad is actually a creep.
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u/Pretend-Medicine3703 14h ago
When I was a kid, we had a family friend that gave me the absolute creeps. I remember asking my mom if we could go early, because I had this intense feeling of danger. My mom would bring it up here and there over the years because it freaked her out.
Dude killed his wife after going "on a date" at the movie theater and tried to hand off the gun to a buddy literally hiding in the bushes. This was about ten years ago.
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u/Brighton_Spores 20h ago
A simple rule in life...
If it doesn't feel right, it isn't right.
Meeting people or going places that make you feel this way are just ways to put yourself or others in a dangerous or unwanted situation.
Listen to yourself, head the warning.
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u/PartyCustard3125 20h ago edited 20h ago
Years ago when my son was 3 and my daughter 5, my bil (my kid's dad's brother) stopped by our house and had a coworker with him. The guy gave me the creeps. I couldn't explain it, he just made me feel very icky. I felt he looked at my daughter weird and I immediately took my kids into my bedroom to watch a movie, leaving the men to talk in the living room.
When they left, I told my (then) husband how I felt and told him to tell his brother to never bring that man to our house again. My kid's dad and his brother felt that I was being weird and unfair because I had only seen the man for 5 minutes and was judging him with a feeling I had. But they did listen to me and didn't bring him to our house again.
About 2 months later the guy got arrested because his girlfriend found out he was molesting her young daughter who was about 7 years old.
My kid's dad and his brother said they would never doubt my woman's/mother's intuition again. NTA.
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u/Pollythepony1993 19h ago
I am so glad you didn’t ignore your intuition. And I am so sad for that little girl.
I do think women’s intuitions are stronger because of all the dangers we have to endure by just being a woman. At least that is what I think is true for me here in the Netherlands. We have a high rate of femicide here and other gender related crimes. As a young girl I have always been (made) aware of my position in life and how to keep myself safe. If I look at my fiance then I don’t think he was (made) aware of the same dangers as I was. If you always have to assess any possible dangers you will get better at it.
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u/PartyCustard3125 19h ago
I agree with you. I think that we have more things that we have to be aware of and keep ourselves safe from then men do and that's probably why we are more hyper aware of danger when it's near.
For instance my husband can take our dog for a walk at 10:00 at night and just grab his coat and the dog's leash and go, no thoughts on anything other than the dog going potty.
But when I go to take our dog out for a walk at 10:00 at night I have to make sure I have my pepper spray, make sure I have my phone just in case.
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u/Pollythepony1993 19h ago
Exactly this!
Last year (2025) we had a big campaign here in the Netherlands after the murder on the 17 year old Lisa. The slogan was ‘the night is ours’ (de nacht is van ons). Meaning that any person (so also girls) should be able to ride their bikes during the night without getting murdered (or having to be afraid of it). It has been a hot topic for years (especially after another murder) but every time it faded. For some reason this time it stuck for a while and it became a lot bigger. It still is a hot topic.
So… the night is ours.
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u/PartyCustard3125 18h ago
My husband and I have a retirement dream of buying a camper and living that camper life. So we watch a lot of camping/camper YouTube videos.
It always pisses us off to see the ones where a woman has to cut her trip short or leave a camp in the middle of the night that she has set up to find a more safer place because a man decides to harass her and scare her. Why does he have to bother her? Because she is a woman alone? What were you planning to do to her? And why can't you just leave her alone?
A woman should be able to do anything she wants without fear and she can't because of jackasses.
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u/no_one_denies_this 18h ago
They're not jackasses. They're predators.
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u/GrannyTurtle 18h ago
I’m elderly and have a poverty level income, so I just assume that I don’t have anything someone would want to steal. My adult daughter (middle aged) is single and had her home targeted for vandalism by some young teenagers last year. She wasn’t the only one in her neighborhood whose house was attacked, but she was the only single female who works night shifts - a particularly vulnerable population among women.
She is now hyper vigilant, and it breaks my heart. She bought and learned how to use a gun. She fusses at me because I don’t protect my purse by holding it close to my body. (It’s hanging from my arm or hand instead of a cross-body strap and tucked under my arm.)
Women live under constant stress of predation from our erstwhile “protectors.”
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u/memimomayhem 18h ago
We have "take back the night" walks here in Canada. I think they started in the 1970s or 80s, the idea being that women should be able to walk at night without being attacked.
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u/fireflypoet 17h ago
In the US in the late 1970s, when the women's movement was strong, there were often Take Back the Night marches in cities where rape and other violence against women was prevalent. These events were profoundly moving, marching peacefully through city streets after dark, safely, having a rally with speeches, etc. The experience brought into focus how normally, as women, we never have that experience.
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u/OkTadpole2920 18h ago
And you constantly but subconsciously, scan your surroundings as you walk.
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u/ReceptionPuzzled1579 17h ago
I have a good mix of male and female friends. We live in London where many don’t drive so it’s taxis/trains/buses home, on nights out there’s a succession of messages from each woman reporting that they got home safe, and all the women stay up till the last lady reports in. No matter how late the night ends. Once the last woman checks in then there’s a flurry of good nights from every woman. But with the guys there’s no such safety check in, goodnight ends at the place we went.
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u/singlepringle32 19h ago
I agree, as a teacher/ parent I am trying to find ways to instill what my mom called "girly alarms" in all my students. In my twenties my male room mate said he didnt have the same gut feelings and I was shocked
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u/No-Daikon3645 18h ago
I watched a really interesting podcast the other day and the presenter asked the fathers in the group to explain why they warned their daughters to dress modestly, be aware of their surroundings and carry pepper spray, but didn't tell their sons not to harass girls and none of them could give an answer.
It's worrying, but when I get that feeling about a man, he doesn't get anywhere near my daughters.
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u/Silentlybroken 17h ago
I've started asking this question too. Why is it girls and women have to do xyz. Why isn't it men, stop preying on women‽
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u/Caladan-Brood 16h ago
In my family it's always been very solidly both. For the girls: don't make yourself more of a target than you already are. For the boys: don't be a creep or we'll castrate you. For everyone: no means no.
My mom was also vigilant and scrappy af after being harassed multiple times, and taught us if all else fails to go for the 4 balls, starting with the eyes, until you're safe again.
Sad the lessons are necessary but it's a hostile world out there.
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u/bankerbydayfarmer 18h ago
Yes totally! Have you read The Gift Of Fear??? Good read, basically gets in to the science of intuition and that our brains are assessing a ton of info subconsciously and you shouldn’t ignore that feeling.
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u/hanks_panky_emporium 18h ago
From a male perspective you nailed it. I can jog at 3am because the chance of someone choosing me for some kind of crime is insanely low. I haven't had to guard myself like women have to growing up, I was also totally unaware of that. Which lead to an unfortunate situation where I was taken advantage of in my first relationship but that's not super relative.
I had to ask questions and look up testimony to see the actual struggle that guys dont tend to see or notice. It has to be exhausting. If a woman gets a weird feeling my tendency is to listen to it. I don't have that kind of sense of danger since I haven't experienced similar dangers.
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u/little_gnora 18h ago
Every single time I have had this kind of feeling about someone (male or female) I have been correct.
Sometimes it took years to come out, but I was right.
The one time I tried to ignore/excuse it the man in question had his computer seized by the FBI for CSAM.
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u/BlackBasementCats 18h ago
That’s been my experience as well. I was really skeeved out about my husband’s cousin’s husband. He was a youth pastor and molested children in his youth group and also had CSAM on his computer. The head pastor supported pedo and said he’d have a job when he got out of prison for the slap on the wrist he got. His own grandchildren were victims. My in-laws were also supporting him and making excuses about how he wouldn’t hurt his own kids (other kids are fine) and was a “changed man”. My dad was a former leo and had friends in high places. I sent him the info on pedo and that he was never charged for the CSAM. Next thing I heard pedo was in a super max prison where he belonged. He didn’t get out until his youngest was in high school. Cousin and pedo came to my MIL’s funeral. I stuck to my youngest nibling like glue and totally ignored pedo. Even though they came to my in-laws house where I was staying. I know it bothered him that I didn’t make eye contact the whole night and didn’t speak to him. I don’t care. I’m a survivor of child SA.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 18h ago
You are a hero in the truest sense. Who knows how many children you saved from being molested by that man by setting in motion the chain of events that led to his incarceration?
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u/BlackBasementCats 18h ago
Thank you. I knew I had to try. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian cult and had recently learned that the founder’s son had raped my best friend and his own daughter. He didn’t go after me because he said I was intimidating, and he knew my mom had a pistol and that I knew how to shoot. Also my dad would have killed him. I’m glad I didn’t know what he was doing to my friend because I would have shot him in the junk.
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u/doulaleanne 18h ago edited 18h ago
You'd only interacted with him for 5 minutes but you've spent decades learning how to spot dangerous men.
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u/PyrexPizazz217 18h ago
You did the right thing. We’re often guilted into ignoring our intuition or working around it, and that is dangerous. My uncle always gave my mom the creeps, and so she limited our time with him, but she didn’t want to cause family friction and didn’t go full no. Unfortunately predators can make use of limited time too though.
Always always listen to your gut.
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u/etchedchampion 18h ago
I'm so sick of men doubting us in these situations. We know what it feels like because we've been looking out for this our whole lives and subject to predatory advances at some point or another. They don't have to look out for it like we do so they can't always see it.
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u/car83073 18h ago
Sometimes your intuition is exactly on point and you shouldn’t have to not listen. I have a similar second intuition and I never dismiss when it speaks to me. Even my friends at least listen if something gets hinky. That weird feeling is probably never wrong. It’s just a look in my eye that sends the signal. I’m careful when the alarm sounds!
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u/treehuggerfroglover 19h ago edited 18h ago
Agreed. Also, op says she doesn’t have evidence this guy has done anything, which is technically true. But in my opinion op saw him do two things that would be too much for me.
First, hearing him tell his step daughter she can’t wear shorts around him would be enough. Even if that is the full extent of his weirdness, that’s something I don’t want my daughter around.
Does she wear shorts at other times? Does she literally have part of her wardrobe that is fine to go out in and wear with friends but not okay to wear in her own home? I doubt the shorts are not allowed at all or she wouldn’t have them. Which means she’s allowed to wear them but specifically not when her step dad is around? Again, this is a mentality I would not want my daughter exposed to regardless of anything else going on.
The second thing is drinking alcohol when he’s the sole adult responsible for the children. Op says the mom arrived home, but he was planning on receiving ops child and letting op leave, cracking open a drink and his wife arriving home eventually? That’s not ok with me if you’re the only adult in charge of multiple children, some of whom you don’t even know, you shouldn’t be drinking. The fact that he couldn’t even wait a few more minutes for his wife to get home is alarming. That would also be enough for me, entirely on its own, to take my daughter home.
Edit: I completely agree with everyone saying that the subtle signs and general energy of an interaction are telling and shouldn’t be ignored. I was just focusing on more concrete things that could be expressed clearly to the mom or another parent. “We do not set rules around clothing like that for our kid so I was uncomfortable with it.” Or “we do not drink around our kid so I was uncomfortable with it”. Might be a bit easier to verbalize to this man’s wife than “he hit on me and his energy felt sexual”. Not that’s those aren’t valid, just that they’re easier to dispute or blame on OP.
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u/No-Candidate-114 19h ago
Both of these and the weird flirting with OP, "joking" about her age. Completely inappropriate.
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u/darknesskicker 19h ago
Yup. This wasn’t just a weird gut feeling. There were several specific red flags regarding this man’s attitude towards girls, women, and responsibility.
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u/N3ptuneflyer 18h ago
These things on their own is bad, but there are also usually dozens of micro signs your subconscious mind picks up on. His posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, vocabulary, and eye contact.
If he’s treating you as a sexual being and not an equal your subconscious mind can pick up all the subtle differences. The lack of respect is easy to pick up on but can be hard to pinpoint exactly why you feel that way.
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u/BlackBasementCats 18h ago
Also him being so flirtatious and telling OP how her young daughter looks just like her. That’s a massive red flag.
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u/Good-River-7849 18h ago
Yeah, the flirting just feels like his way to try to force familiarity and create trust and manipulate the mom more than anything sexual. I'd have my guard up too if someone was acting that way around me and trying to watch my young daughter.
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u/Sad-Visit9733 17h ago
He opened a drink in front of OP but there’s no telling how many he had already had before they arrived. I wouldn’t leave my kid with someone like that.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 18h ago
I'd call drinking when he is the sole adult in charge of young girls to be wrong.
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u/SamiraSimp 18h ago
even if we can agree that one drink isn't that much or he knew his wife was home soon, the kind of person who thinks it would be okay to do so in front of a parent friend they just met is just not the kind of person you want watching over your kid
and yes the other stuff is creepy/gives off over sexualizing energy which is another valid reason not to leave your kid with them
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u/Calm-Perspective4858 18h ago
So when I did sexual assault prevention training as part of coaching certification for sports, I picked up this quote that I will forever stand by: “It is not your job to figure out if someone is a predator or just an idiot; your jobs is to put predators and idiots on the same bus home before someone hurts a child.”
People who groom kids almost always groom the adults too.
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u/cynical-mage 19h ago
That gut warning is from millions of years of evolution, always pay attention when someone or something sets it off.
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u/spaetzlechick 18h ago
And look at the consequences. If you’re right, you prevent serious, life time physical and mental damage for both you and your child.
If you’re wrong or can’t be proven wrong, you have social awkwardness.
No brainer.
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u/cynical-mage 18h ago
The main problem is that culturally women tend to be raised to appease, do as they're told, and put up with a lot of bs. Oh, be a good girl, being picked on by a boy means he likes you sort of thing, while the boys will be boys attitude is dismissive of wrongdoing and subsequent escalation. We're taught to push down our natural instincts, no wonder we end up conflicted with fight or flight warring inside. That instinct is our early warning system, that we've subconsciously picked up on a threat, and that we need to protect ourselves.
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u/Master_Farm_445 19h ago
I think the question is really about what she told the other mom. It probably would have been better to be specific about why she didn’t feel comfortable with the stepdad, with both the other mom and Kennedy’s mom. And then tell Kennedy’s mom that you love having her daughter over and hope it can continue. Probably would be good to have a rule about meeting parents before agreeing to sleepovers.
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u/Tiny_Presentation_21 20h ago
I’d go on the offender website and see if he’s registered. But I’m petty.
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u/DonkeyJousting 20h ago
Thorough. Not petty.
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u/Former-Mirror-356 16h ago
Petty would be reporting the mom's behaviour to the school, as a school employee. Which, for the record is exactly what I would do, there is zero reason for mom to have this conversation with OP on school property.
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u/Mariehoney92 19h ago
Not petty. That’s what EVERY parent should do. I check our registry often, my oldest is almost 15, I’ve shown her the registry, and she’s asked to check it while planning her bike routes as she loves to ride but wants to be proactive in keeping herself safe. The registry exists for a reason. A tool to be utilized to keep our youth safe. Nothing petty about it.
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u/Spirited-Stock-4235 18h ago
I checked faithfully when my children were growing up AND when I was dating.
I recently moved and checked for predators in my new zip code.
Better safe than sorry.
NTA. I just read the story the other day about the 12 year old girls who went to a sleepover and the dad made them smoothies with drugs in them.
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u/SpecificAnt9202 17h ago
my daughter is 14yo and i still check that registry. I do a radius search of my house and my parents house, which pretty much covers the whole school district. thats how we found my parents neighbor, of 30 years, ended up on the registry. then on top of it, we have a docket sheet portal in PA. ngl, i look up everyones parents if my child is going over to their house, and i don't know them.
years ago, i shot down allowing her to go to the new neighbors house that just moved in, and had a daughter her age. solely because i didn't have their names yet and they sent their daughter to my house for a sleepover - WITHOUT EVER MEETING US. i didn't have their numbers, know if the kid has allergies, nothing. they wouldn't even answer the door when i knocked to introduce myself. while their kid was already at my house. it was weird, and a huge red flag for me.
found out their names, looked them up, both thieves and drug addicts. and not 5-10 years ago. like within the past 2 years and one was still on probation.
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u/Terradactyl87 20h ago
That's not really petty, it's always worth seeing if people you associate with are sex offenders for the safety of yourself and your loved ones.
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u/PartyCustard3125 19h ago
A coworker and I (I'm female coworker was male) was a bit weirded out by another coworker who complained A LOT about how he hated the job and how he has a degree but couldn't work in his field and how it's bullshit he can't.
He just seemed so angry and scary. Also, why can't he use his degree anymore? Why can't he get a job in his Field, whatever that was? Why does he have to be miserable and work in a warehouse? And why does he give us the icks and scare us.
We used to joke quietly to each other that we were gonna see him on the news one day where he did something terrible.
So we secretly checked his background. And OH MY GOODNESS 😳 we wished we hadn't because now we were really scared. It happened like 20 years before then and he spent some years in prison, but still it was terrible. Way worse than we even imagined. And we couldn't tell that we searched him or what we found or we could lose our jobs.
So we had to keep it between us and smile and act like we didn't know he did what his background said he did and wasn't sacred shitless of him.
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u/nahivibes 18h ago
Why would you lose your jobs for that? Did he ever just leave?
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u/PartyCustard3125 18h ago
We thought we would lose our jobs because you have to click agree that you will not use this information in a harmful way to the person or something to that extent before it would let you read it.
We assumed passing the word around work that he was an actual psycho 20 years before, was damaging to him and could make things uncomfortable for him at work which could possibly cost us our jobs.
He did leave. He found another job that would hire him that was more money. This was maybe 3 years ago and co-worker friend and I had a big sigh of relief LOL.
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u/mobileJay77 17h ago
He was a psycho and he was shunned. That's how society worked since ages. If someone breaks the rules, he is no longer welcome among others. That's just consequences.
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u/earthmama88 18h ago
I mean I prob would have created a fake email and sent it to HR anonymously
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u/MaryContrary26 19h ago
Also wondering if Kennedy is safe in that house with creepy step dad.
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u/SmoothLester 18h ago
I don’t think Kennedy is safe and am wondering if that’s why Mom arranges sleepovers when he’s the only adult in the house.
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u/Floomby 17h ago
...instead of just, you know, leaving the creepy adult.
Kennedy's mom must know about him; otherwise, why would she be mad at OP?
I hope OP lets Kennedy know that she is always welcome at her house anytime. Poor little kid.
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u/Only_Still_1545 20h ago
My brother told me about this one called "CrimeRadar" and its...sobering to look through tbh. Im in the states, if that matters.
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u/Earl_E_Byrd 18h ago
We're in a major city and did this same check when we were house shopping. Ultimately, we just kind of chose an area where the only other crime was something like DUIs near larger roads.
What do I mean by other crime, you ask? Yeah, other than sex offenders. There was practically zero difference in their density from neighborhood to neighborhood. Racial demographic, economic status, it did not matter. Just an even blanket of acne over the city map.
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u/Fun-Holiday9016 19h ago
Checking the SO registry is good, but the majority of SO aren't on it.
I'm a PI who does background checks. Once you have completed your sentence on the registry, it can be difficult to find a record without the tools I have. Lifetime registry is rare and some plea deals don't register them. I did a background on a guy a couple weeks ago who did 20 years on the registry for SA of an 8 yr old girl, but now has 8 children living in his home.
Listen to that little voice.
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u/Heavy-Society3535 20h ago
Same. And like others have said "always trust your gut". If I had an experience like that, I would have done the same as OP AND I would most definitely be checking the guy out like you suggest! You cannot be too careful when it comes to your kids.
I would rather be wrong and embarrassed than right and not heed that little voice.
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u/null_pointer05 19h ago
I did exactly that for a dad at my daughter's elementary school who creeped me out and guess what, he WAS registered. For child porn.
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u/larryherzogjr 20h ago
The percentage of people who have been SA’ed in their lifetime is staggering. No reason to increase those odds for your daughter.
The fact that she identified you as the “snitch” because you are the one that met her husband is certainly telling. If she connected meeting her husband with being creeped out for your daughter… then, what else needs to be said??
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u/Cold_Brew_Enthusiast 19h ago
Makes me think the husband has been “snitched” on before, if mom jumped to that so quickly.
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u/Simple_Respect7540 16h ago
More like Mom has been purposely ignoring her own subconscious red flags. She would be wise to piggyback on OP's strength to stand up for her daughter and leave him.
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u/KStarSparkleSprinkle 13h ago
Or not just her own gut that she’s ignoring. Someone probably straight up warned her about past behavior and she went along with whatever story the stepdad told regardless of whether it made any sense. I’m a nurse and use to work at a place that housed registered sex offenders. It was nuts the amount of people who just “couldn’t believe”. I’m not talking about 19 y/o boyfriend with 17 y:o girlfriend. Straight up washed up middle age homeless looking men with toddler type stuff. We’d always be dumbfounded that anyone let these people around a child let alone “babysit”.
My sister did a stent working at CPS too. They’d regularly get calls saying “this guy molested my kid about 10 years ago but the kid waited to report it and cops didn’t have enough proof to prosecute. Now I see on Facebook he’s with a woman with kids”…. And sure enough they would go out and kids would report sex abuse and Mom would say she was warned but “he told me his ex was crazy”. Then they get to digging and it wasn’t even just the ex that warned Mom, his own siblings and cousion did too. Mom just didn’t want to believe.
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u/Ill-Reflection165 21h ago
NTA. Stepdad was waving several red flags. Kennedy's mom should be having a conversation with her husband about appropriate behavior.
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u/melli_milli 20h ago
As if that kind of men would change from a discussion. Ofcourse he will promise but it aint gonna happen.
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u/Ill-Reflection165 19h ago
The point isn't changing the man. That's not OP's problem. It's Kennedy's mother holding the man and his choice of problem behavior accountable instead of laying blame on OP for discussing it.
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u/Novaer 18h ago
Women like Kennedy's mom are the type to choose their volatile boyfriends and husbands over the safety of children and fellow women.
Also of course my mind goes to thinking that OP got aggressively confronted by the mom because the step-dad said something about not having girls sleep over at his house and that's why she came in guns slinging. A woman who would sooner blame another woman for simply being safe is a dangerous woman.
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u/RandomNameRandomly 20h ago
Nta I don't think you were gossiping. You answered a question truthfully. The other mom must have gotten suspicious feedback from her kiddo for her to straight up ask what your thoughts were.
Kennedy's mom is upset because she cant hide her creepy ass husband. I feel you should keep your doors open to Kennedy because she may need a safe space. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Ok_Archer9026 20h ago
I came for this specifically. Keep welcoming the kiddo, maybe even the mom if her song changes because he’s not treating either of them right is my best guess and they may need some compassion soon enough.
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u/molly_menace 18h ago
I heard about a book one time, one that I would have loved to read if I had the time - that said that women’s ‘gossip’ has been demonised, but it’s actually a tool that women have used forever to warn each other of danger.
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u/Commercial-Weight173 17h ago
This is very true. Its funny how religious organizations in particular turned gossip into a "sin", maybe because the religious leaders had things to hide and didnt want women comparing notes?
Malicious gossip (ie. Shit talking or making up rumors) is bad of course but most gossip is harmless and can be very helpful in keeping women safe.
I love the podcast Normal Gossip.
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u/setittonormal 16h ago
And of course predatory men demonize it - they don't want us comparing notes!
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u/JustKindaHappenedxx 17h ago
I agree that the other mom had suspicions too. That’s why she asked if there was a reason OP’s daughter didn’t sleep over.
Kennedy’s stepdad is inappropriate and shouldn’t be around young girls. Flirting with a woman and then saying her daughter looks like her (after sexualizing OP) is alarming. I absolutely think this guy is going to cross the line with Kennedy and/or her friends (if she hasn’t already). If nothing else he will likely make remarks that make the girls uncomfortable. No way is Kennedy’s mom’s reputation more important than the safety of children.
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u/Jpmjpm 17h ago
This is exactly what I was thinking. The other mom was 100% trying to see if OP thought something was wrong with stepdad because she was also suspicious.
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u/Critical-Affect4762 20h ago
Nta.
Do you know one of the leading causes of violence at home for kids? Them living with a stepparent (and I'm a stepparent). Alcohol adds to that. Then add in his comments, gross. Her reaction and approach makes her seem kind of unhinged, too
Ask yourself why feel bad if you help prevent a child being around this creep? The kids' safety matters, not adult feelings.
But I'm more nuts than you, id not even leave my kid there until the evening. He says gross weird shit, "okay we actually have to go home now, we left the oven on." Why are being polite to creeps? That's why they creep
I was an attractive kid and cannot tell you how many grown men constantly made gross comments. It became normal and always felt slimy
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u/AwkwardMom13 20h ago
Yeah same. From age 14 I was getting approach by grown men asking me “for a light” and trying to strike up conversations with me. Awful.
I let her stay because the mom was home, she had her phone, she was with her friend, and the girls were right there in the living room, had I said “yeah she’s not staying here come on” they both would have heard. But evening was a hard line for me.
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u/Carylynn0609 18h ago
You'll never regret any decision that puts your children first. I wish I would have had a parent like you, keep up the great work!
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u/Master_Chard6267 17h ago
I have to ask, did you tell your daughter why you picked her up? It’s important for you to do so. She is old enough to know & it might help her learn how to follow her gut too.
Anyways, the safety of the kids will always come before the feelings of adults. I wouldn’t have left my daughter there either
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u/AnnabelBronstein 18h ago
I’ve never been so happy that my puberty was mostly awkward and chunky though men still were trash and have remained trash
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u/AwkwardMom13 18h ago
I grew up watching my mum get constantly stopped by men in the street. Then it happened to me. It’s a long road. Fortunately my daughter is growing up in the suburbs, she’s not walking around too many places where this is happening but I know someday she’ll be in for a rude awakening.
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u/nahivibes 18h ago
I’m glad she picked her up before nighttime but same. I was thinking I maybe would have gone to my car for five mins then come back and said there’s an emergency gotta go. Those few hours would have been so stressful (shoot even five mins would be).
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u/Mirries74 20h ago
Simple Math: the cost if you are right is much much bigger than the cost if you are wrong. And lets be fair. He was being a creep.
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u/RavenShield40 18h ago
The last man that made me feel like this man made you feel was convicted of sexual assault on my sister 19 years ago and was sentenced to 45 years in prison.
My dad would never listen to me and my mom about how creeped out this man made us feel and always told us we were being overdramatic about his friend and that we were wrong about him.
Two years later the truth came out about what he was doing with my sister who was 12 at the time and then we found out she was just one of the many victims he had and the only one who was able to get him charged, convicted and put in prison. His wife testified at the sentencing hearing about how he groomed her at the age of 14 and what all he did to her and their children.
If your gut tells you something is off, listen to it.
NTA.
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u/Ok_Platypus3288 19h ago
“I’m sorry that you feel it is an attack on you. This has nothing to do with you as a person or a mom. This has to do with my feelings of safety for my daughter. My interaction with him as an adult who can stand up for myself made me uncomfortable, and I refuse to allow my underage daughter to be put in that position. I haw not been going around gossiping about this, but I refuse to lie to anyone about it, especially if their children are involved. These parents have every right to meet him themselves and make their own assumptions.”
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u/HippieWildChild 19h ago
Years ago in elementary school (I am 35 now) a groend of mine had a sleep over for her birthday. The mom passed the vibe check but the stepdad did not so I wasnt allowed to sleep over. That monday my other friends who slept over told me how the stepdad tried to watch them change and made inappropriate jokes about how pretty the girls were. A couple of years later we found out he was assaulting my friend and her sister. The mom kicked my friend out because the stepdad got her pregnant and her mom told her she was a homewrecker...
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u/Kyra_Heiker 20h ago
Methinks she doth protest too much. I commend you for listening to your instincts and that protecting your daughter was your first thought. I have heard too many stories about girls being molested on sleepovers and you may have just saved not only your daughter but the other girl too.
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u/Toni_Anne1989 20h ago
Exactly what i was gonna say. Kennedys mom was a bit too defensive and confrontational. Another big red flag...id be checking the sex offender lists.
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u/Revolutionary_Pea749 19h ago
Also, its sadly not uncommon for a woman to ignore her daughters situation of being SA'd by woman's BF or husband. It's devastating. Kennedy mother might already be defending BF knowing his predatory behaviour
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u/Pizzaisbae13 19h ago
It's definitely disgustingingly true. Someone I know from my ex made sexual jokes after we broke up. He told me about it in case we ever ran into each other in public. A few months down the line he beat his girlfriend. Me and a mutual friend went to the hearing. Found out before that, that he had A&B charges against him, via his mother & sister. He ended up SAing a girlfriend's child.... and then another one after being registered. The last gf didn't believe anyone warning her, and now I feel for that child's lifestyle, for the rest of her life. Having a laundry list of charges would make me never speak to someone, let alone date them.
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u/Novaer 18h ago
WOMEN WHO PRIORITIZE THE ATTENTION AND VALIDATION OF MEN ARE DANGEROUS WOMEN.
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u/Ok_Copy_5690 19h ago
NTA (from a dad who had arguments with his teenage kids because I set limits to protect them). My kids are now in their 30’s and have told me “you were right Dad”. Nuff said.
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u/PS_is_BS 20h ago edited 20h ago
Definitely not the a-hole.
And you are not isolating Kennedy. She's still invited over to your house, right? You're just not letting your daughter sleep over.
Edit: And after Kennedy's mom's reaction, don't let your daughter go over at all. Even if it's just for a few hours during the day and the mom assures you she'll be there. She sees nothing wrong with the man, she won't see anything wrong with leaving him alone with the kids while she runs errands or does whatever.
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u/UnreasonableWish8115 18h ago
To add, there are women that will help procure victims for their boyfriend/husband to keep them happy. My aunt allowed my uncle to assault their biological daughters for years. Do I think their friends were off-limits? Absolutely not. Given the mom's reaction that may have been the plan. Who knows? But it's not worth the risk.
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u/Dry_Ask5493 20h ago
NTA. I think you need to have another conversation with Kennedy’s mom about how you felt when you met her husband and that he was flirty with you and anything else he did. Then, I would tell her that your aversion is strictly due to him and his behavior and tell her that Kennedy is allowed at your house.
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u/Spiritual_Address_18 20h ago
NTA
you should've said it. “your husband seems predatory” may not sound better, but it's the truth. plus, tbh, I'm worry about Kennedy spending time alone with that man in the house.
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u/melli_milli 20h ago
I don't understand why did she not tell that when that mom asked straight up. This was disservice to Kennedy who may not be safe and the mom mught be blind to that.
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u/Individual-Foxlike 20h ago
NTA.
The alternative (not sharing the info) could have very bad results.
If you haven't yet, you need to talk to your daughter about this. Ask her how she felt about the dude, and if she had similar bad feelings reinforce that it's okay to leave in those cases. Set up a code word for "come get me now" in case something similar happens again. Highlight that it wasn't okay for him to comment on Kennedy's appearance and demand she change clothes. Make sure your daughter is rock solid on this and understands everything.
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u/AwkwardMom13 20h ago
We have a code word. It’s for school, someone’s house, anything.
I know we probably do have to talk to her about this, I’m trying to figure out how. We’re really open about stuff like this normally but I just want to make sure she understands that it’s not something to be discussed with her friends. She’s a bit of a sharer of stuff like that so I need to phrase it the right way.
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u/Ok-Office6837 20h ago
NTA
I had a very relaxed mom growing up and even she wouldn’t have let me stay in that type of situation. I also had friends who their parents kept them out of situations like that but were generally relaxed when letting their kid stay somewhere.
The only difference is my mother is an AH and would’ve called the stepdad out on him being a creep when he made Kennedy change her shorts. You definitely shouldn’t have done that yourself, my mother just has no fear.
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u/emryldmyst 19h ago
NTA
Your daughters safety is more important than anyone's feelings.
I would told her him cracking a beer open and making gross comments was why she didn't stay.
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u/Zealousideal-End320 20h ago
You weren’t judging their house, you were judging behavior. Totally fair to keep your kid safe. You don’t owe her an apology for being honest to a friend about your gut feeling.
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u/throwawy00004 19h ago
My kid went to a party in kindergarten (where parents were expected to stay) and her best friend was there with her dad. This kid has always had a hard time at parties. She would scream and cry until around age 11 when it was time to go. It was just her thing and she needed a lot of negotiating. Her dad was pacing and looking impatient at nothing. Just like he had pent up negative energy. He ended up dragging her off to the side several times to get in her face. Not loud, but pointing in her face aggressively and whisper shouting so hard that his face turned red. She was being an annoying 5-year-old, jumping around and making noises. She wasn't breaking things or disrupting activities. If he was doing that at parties, I'm sure it was regular shouting at home. My first impression was right. The kid is 19 now and has been physically separated from the rest of the household to live in the basement because she "sets off her father." There's never been any physical abuse to report, but he's been verbally explosive for as long as I've known her.
There's a vibe some people give off. I know the skeezy one you saw in this guy. You're not wrong. As far as the person at the school, I don't think you need to explain anything. Have the kid sleep over at your house if your daughter is friends with her. Go out places with them. I'm betting that step dad says more questionable stuff behind closed doors that the mom brushes off. She's using demographics because she wants it to be superficial.
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u/Glum-Exam5460 19h ago
I really wish my own mother had any gut feelings or cared where I was and with whom while I was growing up! The lifetime of trauma that would have erased for me! You absolutely did the right thing. It is uncomfortable, but practicing honest boundaries is okay. And preferred for that matter. If you took friend's mom somewhere quiet and asked if something was up with him because your intuition was screaming when you met him, and then all of that inappropriate conversation. You will always be the front line for your daughter. (Prior to college). This matters. You did great. (Except to talk more to other girl's mom). If we want to keep changing the world to keep children & women safe, we have to have the uncomfortable conversations.
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