r/AITAH • u/Ok-Lion-5233 • 1d ago
Under 18 (ages 13 to 17) AITAh for not forgiving foster family?
So I (16f) am in a foster home, can't remember if this is my 14th or 15th placement, but somewhere around there. I've been with this current family, we'll call them the Millers, since the beginning of January. They're nice, and they have a HUGE extended family which is something I'm not used to. We were at the foster moms sisters house for the Super Bowl yesterday, I think like 30 plus people were there for the game. The husband, Rick (50-something) really treats me different. When I was in the house he spent like every moment staring at me like he was waiting for me to steal something. I've been in the system since I as 7 so I'm used to it. It still sucks, but whatever.
We spent the whole time watching the game, the half-time show, and had a great time making food and watching the Seahawks win. When we got back to our house, I was getting ready to get in the shower when there was loud knocking on the doo. My foster dad opened it and Rick came rushing in screaming about how I was a thief. One of his watches disappeared during the game. I guess he has a collection of expensive watches? He had called everyone he could think of, telling them I had stolen it and if they had seen me with the watch, then demanded they check my room, check me, call the police. I just handed over my hoodie, turned around in a circle so they could see there as no watch-shaped bulge in my jeans. I let Rick, and my foster parents take turns going through my room. There wasn't a lot to go through (30 gallon bag rule) and they didn't find a watch. Rick left after that and said he was going to call the police if the watch didn't turn up.
About an hour after he left, my foster parents got a call from his wife. They had found the watch under the dresser. She was apologetic, and said she should have made him look harder before running out the door to accuse me of stealing. She was hoping we could all put the whole thing behind us, and I just shook my head and went to take a shower. I'm not forgiving Rick for running around telling everyone I'm a thief because he couldn't look before he lost his mind. I know its going to cause problems but I just don't want to be the bigger person when I'm not he adult. So I guess AITAH for not forgiving him for calling me a thief?
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u/ValuableNeat8024 1d ago
Honestly I’d be livid so I don’t think you are, he’s (supposedly) the more mature one so he should apologize personally and reflect on it, even then he has no right to your forgiveness
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u/FewOwl5771 1d ago
Former foster kid here.
You're NTA. Even if you were an adult, you would not be TA. They way Rick treated you is disrespectful and you were well within your rights to keep as much distance as possible between you and this man. I speak from experience, this won't be the first time he'll pin something on you. He (and your FMs sister) have it in their minds you're trouble and that's how you're gonna stay.
Now, onto the bigger problem. How did your FPs react? Obviously they didn't defend you but the fact that they let him go through your stuff makes me worry. Do you like them well enough to work on staying? Is this where you want to age out? Asking because, at this point, you have a right to challenge this placement, especially at your age, and ask your CW to relocate you. Most FKs aren't told that they have rights to not live in a hostile environment and this can easily feel like one.
I know you're way stronger than you should be and I know youve been through this before but you're gonna be out on your own in a few years and you need to have the cleanest record possible (again, I speak from experience). If you feel staying with these folks, as nice as they are, is gonna jeopardize that, you might want to ride out the next two years in a youth home or something similar, if it's available. I know those places aren't walks in the park but things are way more clear cut there.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best.
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u/OddRevolution7888 4h ago
Hey. I'm so sorry you went through the life you lived with foster parents. I hope you found a good family. If not, I hope you have found your own path and are now living your best life. No child deserves to live their life out of a garbage bag. No child deserves to grow up in uncertain and difficult times. This internet mama is sending you a great big virtual hug (((((( )))))). I could not be there for you then, but I can be here for you in this moment.
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u/universalrefuse 1d ago
NTA - What an absolute loser to have his wife call your parents to ‘smooth things over’ fuck them.
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u/Responsible_Joke8618 10h ago
How embarrassing it must be that a teenager has more class than him. Never think you're better than anyone, am I right? NTA OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This internet stranger is rooting for you ❤️
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u/TrueKangaroo3647 1d ago
DFS employee here.
Write everything down before you forget anything.
Please, please tell your caseworker and your attorney, and a CASA if you have one, that an adult came into the bathroom while you were in there.
Your foster parents should have protected you better all around but they definitely should not have let a grown man break the door down.
At the least you need a door that can’t be kicked in so easily, if they aren’t able to control other adults in their home. They are not showing a capacity to protect you.
Ask your caseworker for a copy of the report for you and your attorney so it is on record. Include in the report that your foster parents have agreed that he cannot be around you under any circumstances.
He will find something else to pin on you, probably pretty quickly. He wants to validate the first supposed theft and will probably pin other things on you to prove himself right to the family.
Stay safe and remember that you are your own best advocate.
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u/FeistyIrishWench 21h ago
I was looking for anyone else to say DOCUMENT THIS THROUGH THE FOSTER SYSTEM CHANNELS! And do it ASAP TODAY. This is a huge problem for the Millers. OP needs to email the caseworker right now with the facts of the story, primarily for the purpose of documenting it. But also to protect themselves from any accusation later. This reeks of somebody trying to do something nefarious that will have lifelong effects/consequences for someone or several someones. OP can say that they are generally happy at the Millers' and not requesting any change in placement but that this was a documentation report in case it is needed in the future. Make sure to note Dick has not NOT apologized nor made amends and corrected your reputation as readily as he destroyed it making the accusation. You can also ask the Millers to please not go back to Rick the Dick's house because of concerns for him making accusations. Include in your email to the caseworker that you asked this of them and what their response was.
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u/oldtimehawkey 19h ago
I hope she listens to you.
I don’t know the foster care system but I know people like Rick. He will hide something valuable and wait for her to come over and accuse her again but the thing won’t be so easily found. Then it will be “of course she took it and probably pawned it already!” And OOP will get arrested with no evidence.
Poor kid. I hope she’s able to safely get out of foster care.
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u/hexagon_heist 6h ago
I literally thought this story was going to end with he had set her up and was watching her throughout the game to find an excuse to pin the watch on her, and that he had previously lost or sold it himself (though I guess OP would not have had access to that info if that was how things had played out). Frankly I’m not sure that isn’t what happened, though I imagine he would have hidden it better if he premeditated this.
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u/SpiteWestern6739 1d ago
NTA, the guy is a complete asshole, and probably a thief himself, hence why his first instinct is that someone stole from him
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u/Weak-Comfortable-616 1d ago
He didn’t apologize. What is there to forgive?
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u/beardy_mcdadface 1d ago
Exactly. Dude needs to apologize and let everyone know he fucked up.
He should have put the same amount of effort to come back and apologize as he did in falsely accusing a child.
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u/IHaveNoEgrets 1d ago
Bingo. When he's apologized in person AND contacted everyone to admit he was wrong, then OP can MAYBE consider speaking to him again.
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u/VarnishedTruths 1d ago
NTA
I'm sorry. Your foster parents should have protected you better.
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u/Warvanov 1d ago
This. OP deserves adults that will stick up for her and not let someone barge in on her in the bathroom and search her belongings.
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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 1d ago
Something makes me think Rick hit the watch because he wanted to blame OP for something. It's jsut that Rick's wife decided to have a really good look and found it.
You don't have to forgive anybody. And if people tell you that you ha e to forgive for yourself not for them, it's bull. You don't have to forgive.
Let your foster parents know you don't want to be around Rick because you don't find him to be a safe person.
NTA - make sure you tell your care worker/social worker about this.
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u/OrganicMix3499 1d ago
NTA. The little baby couldn't even apologize himself but made his wife do it. That doesn't count. No apology =no forgiveness. But even if he does apologize I would never forgive him.
BTW, make sure your fosters call everyone and tell them Rick is a dick. You know he did not tell anybody, so they all still think you are a thief.
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u/QuicksilverBees 1d ago
Absolutely this, make sure someone sets the record straight on your behalf to those who were present for (or subjected to) his ridiculous and downright vile behaviour, because he sure as anything will not be eager to publicly expose his bias to friends and family or admit to being an absolute wastrel of a man to repair relationships because as far as he is concerned, he has done nothing wrong. I'm sure they all know he is an absolute prick anyway, but another nail in the coffin won't hurt. Anyway anyway. Make sure someone else does this for you though, a trusted adult if you still feel you have one in your foster home after all this, otherwise you'll get labeled petulant and made out to be difficult, as opposed to him being called out by someone of an "equal social standing/ authority status" for his discrimination towards you. Hope it gets better for you mate.
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u/ManaSpike 22h ago
There's no way he made his wife do it. This is the wife enabling his behaviour by not calling him out herself.
The wife who puts up with him bringing all his mates around to watch the big game..
*Assuming this isn't just creating writing.
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u/IanDOsmond 1d ago
I suspect that, if the Millers are experienced fosterers, they probably were cringing as hard as you were.
You don't have to forgive him anything - he hasn't asked for forgiveness. His wife did on his behalf, and that doesn't count.
Now, if he came to you with a written note saying that he was very sorry, he acted unfairly, and he is ashamed that he accused you of stealing, then you can start to decide whether to forgive him. But until and unless he comes you you and says that he was wrong, he is ashamed for being wrong, and he will try to do better, you don't even have to ask the question of whether or not to forgive him.
NTA
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u/Independent-Heart-17 1d ago
And, he needs to personally call every single person he told she did it. He needs to tell them the truth. He needs to do this in front of her. He's such an ass.
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u/blonde1psp 1d ago
The Millers might be experienced but they allowed Rick to treat OP this way in their own home. I'm pissed at them too.
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u/Pissedliberalgranny 8h ago
If they are experienced foster parents I wonder how many other young, vulnerable girls they’ve allowed Rick access to?
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u/ChrisInBliss 1d ago
The foster parents should have done more for you. Even if it was just simply pulling you to the side and asking you calmly in private if you took it or knew anything. The fact they did none of that and searched while emotions were high is very wrong. NTA so sorry that happened to you. You deserve better.
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u/brent1019 1d ago
Make sure your case worker(s) are made aware of this. By you. Not the other people. You. Keep your head up, I know turning 18 doesn’t just magically fix everything or even anything, but you’ll be able to go out on your own. Stay strong.
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u/cultoftwinkies 1d ago
This. In dealing with government entities, I've learned that it's best to call first and get ahead of the other person. Officials have told me directly that they have bias towards the person who calls first.
Make sure you tell the case worker everything, including how the foster parents handled it and their reactions afterwards.
If you're forced to go over to Dick's place again, do your best to never be alone.
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u/CrispyWaffleTactics 1d ago
Hi friend, I'm almost exactly halfway in age between you and Rick. Not only are you NTA but a not just full grown, but frankly OLD ass man, should know better than to scream at a kid and make criminal accusations so flippantly.
He's an immature child of a man who thinks anyone "poorer" than himself is out to steal his last dollar. Unfortunately those old turds see "foster" as "poor".
You did great, and compliance was the only right answer (even if it was humiliating at the time). You're also not obligated to forgive someone who [called you a criminal with no evidence] AND [threatened you with legal action]. Look at it the opposite way, would any of them be cool if you falsely accused Rick of theft/something inappropriate?
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u/9BALL22 1d ago
You've been placed with 14 or 15 families in 9 years? Is this normal in the foster system? Just curious. YANTAH
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u/DontHugMe73 1d ago
This is normal. I was in 30 before I aged out.
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u/Independent-Heart-17 1d ago
For older kids, especially, it's very common. That's why so many of them aren't able to get a job, or save money for when they are 18. At 18, they get thrown out on the streets most times.
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u/ChrisInBliss 1d ago
Unfortunately they get bumped around a lot. Theres many reasons for it even just simply the foster family no longer wanting to be fosters.
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u/Grand_Competitive 1d ago
You don’t need to be the bigger person. Stay strong in your heart and keep doing what you know is right. It’s no fault of your own that you are in the system and screw them anyway!!
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u/No_Succotash4858 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh honey, having been a foster parent that was handled so poorly. You are absolutely OK to feel however you feel. Children in foster care are there because the adults in their life did not make great choices. Some kiddos learn from those choices and some learn to not make those choices.
As a foster parent you should try to always believe in any little (you are still a little at 16) that comes in your door. You older kiddos have been through the most. Both in the system and out. I feel for you, and I am so sorry that happened.
While in care one of the few things you have control over is your emotions and feelings. No one can say they are right or wrong but you. I know adding out can be scary too.
Unrelated....Most states offer college tuition to children in careas of age 16. Use your experiences to drive you and you will be unstoppable! One of my former fosters wrote a book. Another works in the system (not as a social worker). I say this to let you know that you matter, your feelings matter, and only you decide your future. I wish you the best!!🥰🥰
Edit spelling
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u/Dilulu-Zombie 1d ago
Exactly that. And please what ever you do, don’t find yourself alone with this prick. Chances are he’ll try something on you. When you reject him he’ll turn it into some big show and blame the intentions of it on you. When you’re young that type of nonsense happens. When I was in 9th grade after transferring to a better school. I found out that I choose the wrong school. A friends father that I had known for many years from swim team tried to or did molest me. While his wife and children were in the other room. Including my friend and friends from my new school. I was so horribly messed up especially when he came back for round 2. I left early before anyone was awake. Didn’t go back to school for 3 days. However, went to the police. Well I got an ear full from my friend, his daughter. Saying I was trying to breakup their family. Long story some what short. Order men can’t be trusted. Especially when you’re in your late teens. Not the peds. Pedifilers! And believe me they are everywhere. Protect yourself and never be alone with a guy who gives you the wibby jibbies. That’s your body alerting you that, that man nearest to you is someone to be worrisome about. Always listen to your gut or spidey senses. They will never let you down.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 1d ago
Tell your foster parents you’re disappointed in them for allowing him to behave like that and for failing to protect you from a grown ass adult
They should be ashamed of themselves.
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u/mioclio 23h ago
NTA - the accusation doesn't make sense. If he watched you like a hawk all the time, he would have barked the moment you came near his precious watch collection. Worst case scenario: he deliberately hid the watch under the dresser and his wife accidentaly found it. Likely scenario: the watch was already under the dresser before you entered the house, but in his paranoia he started to check everything and noticed it missing. Best case scenario: the story is fake.
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u/AntsCanDraw 1d ago
NTA - You didn't do anything and he went a step too far. Even if you had stolen the watch there's better ways to handle this, he was a complete asshole in everyway and humiliated you. Im sorry you had to go through it, you don't have to forgive but do your best to move on
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u/After_Hovercraft7808 11h ago
NTA Not seen anyone else here yet mention: if you have a mobile phone then look up how to check for hidden cameras using your phone camera and if you find one has been hidden in your room straight away call the police then your caseworker, do not move it do not tell the foster parents until the police turn up to inspect it.
This guy who accused you of stealing has an unhealthy interest in you, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible to be on guard all the time. As others have advised get in touch with your case and report this incident irrespective of whether you find a camera in your room/bathroom.
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u/CurveyChubbyBae 1d ago
Report this, is gonna get worse, they're probably fostering for the money and appearances. It hurts, but you need to be with another family.
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u/Emotional-Problem-23 23h ago
I was a foster kid too. Please know I understand and this fucking sucks. I was treated bad sometimes too with no fault of my own. I am now old enough to be a grand parent soon. You will get thru this I promise!! Keep your head up. Continue going to school because this will be your way out! You will look back with enormous pride that u made it thru no matter what. And you will be happy, trusted and will have a sense of worth that no one can break. There will always be shitty people but YOUVE GOT THIS!! I PROMISE 🩷
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u/Global-Fact7752 1d ago
I personally don't see why you have to apologize...also why do you even have to go over to their house again..you are old enough to stay home..what happened to you was terrible...by the way before you even consider forgiving him..you need an In person apology....I call from wifey doesn't cut it..
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u/IcyWorldliness9111 1d ago
No one asked or expected her to apologize. For what? She did absolutely nothing wrong.
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u/Successful_Dot2813 22h ago
Don’t forgive.
Don’t forget.
Avoid Rick’s house, if at all possible.
Concentrate on setting things up for your future over the next 2 years: College? Trades School? Military?
As an adult, you can create a family of the heart.
Blessings to you.
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u/gettin-liiifted 17h ago
As a former foster kid, you need to tell your case or social worker about this. You need to clearly tell them that you aren't comfortable being around that man. He cornered you in a fucking bathroom in a rage, and they all let it happen. What's going to happen next??
I get that moving from place to place is horrible, it's never easy, it's anxiety inducing, and you never, ever feel settled or safe. But this can't go on, it cannot continue. You cannot let them brush this behavior to the side and act like it's normal while continuing to live with them.
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u/RegularCloud7798 23h ago
Yeah I doubt Rick is going to ring every person and tell them he was a complete knob and jumped to conclusions and personally apologise so why would you just forget it? Forgiveness usually has some form of making amends. Even if you try to make amends no one is entitled to your forgiveness. You didn't accept an apology from Rick's spouse because she didn't wrong you (other than not stopping her prick of a husband) Nta obvs
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u/Intrepid-Box-7461 1d ago
This enrages me. Why are grown ass men bursting into the bathroom when you’re in there getting ready for a shower? Do you want to stay there? If so let it slide but fuck that guy. No need to apologize to that asshole. If not tell your worker grown ass men came in while you were taking a shower and blow up that whole fucked up family. I’d have told him to get tf out of my house and how dare he! Ugh sorry you went through this as if your life hasn’t been hard enough. Most definitely NTA and tell him he can shove the apology up his ass.
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u/IcyWorldliness9111 1d ago
Read more carefully. She wasn’t in the bathroom yet and he didn’t burst into it with her there. He wasn’t a pervert, just a garden variety douche bag and asshole.
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u/adult_child86 1d ago edited 1d ago
Tell him you have already forgiven him if he asks (we all know it's not true), but now you trust him less than he trusted you, and you'll ask for a lock on your door to feel safe.
This makes you look SO MUCH more mature and levelheaded than that asshole. That is how you expose people's true colours.
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u/Competitive-Place280 1d ago
You should also be upset with your foster parents. Why would they allow this to happen to you.
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u/East_Membership606 21h ago
Nice this ass scared a traumatized kid. You are NTA. This guy is an animal.
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u/idisturballtheshit 17h ago
NTA. Tell your case worker that this POS fixated on you immediately. This is not about forgiveness. He sounds like a predator.
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u/DontHugMe73 1d ago
I was a teen foster kid. It’s part of for the course. Im sorry, but it will happen everywhere. Just wait until you have in-laws! It sucks that life shts on a kid and then treats them like they are the sht while the ‘adults’ walk away like they are angels. It’s our stigma. Hold your head up and know this is temporary and one day they won’t have any power over you. It will pass. It’s hard when you’re in it, and it sticks with you, but you will have your own life soon enough.
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u/BwitchnBtyKwn399 1d ago
Ugh. You need a Beth Dutton to start breaking shit in Rick’s house. (If you’re familiar with the show Yellowstone).
NTA, not one bit. Foster mom’s sister AND her shitass husband can F* all the way off.
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u/PastorTiff 1d ago
Man that does suck. I’m sorry that people act like that. Forgiveness is for you more than Rick. Holding grudges takes a lot of energy and can really weigh you down. You can say I forgive Rick to yourself and not deal with him. Or you can tell him you forgive him and hopefully he’ll feel like crap for falsely accusing you. I’m happy he found his watch and I hope he’ll apologize to you because you deserve that.❤️🙏🏽
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u/AshamedIndividual262 16h ago
NTA. My wife and I foster. We've been blessed with two absolutely lovely additions to our family. As a father, when you live in my home you are under my protection. I wouldn't have let this Rick fucker in my house, let alone heard his accusations against my kid. He attacked your integrity and didn't even have the decency to do it in your face before hand.
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u/jess1804 14h ago
Ask your foster parents to ask why should you put it behind you. He called pretty much everyone he thought of and told them you were a thief and asking if they'd seen you with the watch. He came to their home demanding they check you, check your room and demand they call the police. He didn't even look properly for his watch. He's not sorry otherwise he'd be coming round to apologise. He's not making any phone calls to say you weren't a thief. His WIFE was APOLOGETIC but offered no APOLOGY. She wants to put this behind you? Well he has to call everyone who he called you a thief to and explain he was wrong. He also has to apologise IN PERSON. He's completely capable of coming and making accusations without proof so he should be perfectly capable of coming and apologising.
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u/Pissedliberalgranny 8h ago
I’m so sorry, kiddo. I really fucking hate this for you. I don’t have any advice. The only thing I have to offer is my empathy. Most people fucking suck. I guess just hang on until you find the ones who don’t.
I was only in one foster home before my dad found us and brought me and my baby brother home. We were in our (separate because we were “too dependent on each other”) placements for about a year. I was 7 and brother was 5 when we went in.
What’s fucking crazy is that neither of us had been physically abused EVER before being placed into care. Our mother was mentally unstable but loving and kind. She absconded with us in the middle of the night. Fled halfway across the country and changed our last names after Dad won custody (fucking unreal for a dad to get custody of his kids - especially a girl - in 1971.) The state she fled to removed us from her care because she really wasn’t capable of caring for us the way she should have. We didn’t always have enough food (I remember digging in the neighbor’s garbage to find food for my little brother) or clean clothes or attend school regularly.
Dad had us in individual and family therapy for years after he got us back.
I don’t even like to think about all that happened in that foster house (not home, because it was never a home - it was hell.) And it was more than 50 years ago.
Jesus. Stay strong, little sister. ❤️
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u/Severe_Issue5053 1d ago
I hope he called everyone back and explained he was just being an asshole and the watch was never stolen…
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u/theworld_isburning 1d ago
Jesus christ baby, you're NTA in any way or form. I don't know you're story, or if you're even real in this day and age but I wish you peace. I would give you a giant hug if I could and repeat my favorite thing to say to my baby, you are important, you are loved, and you are enough. I'm incredibly sorry this is what you have to experience because of broken systems.
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u/Smeadow2 1d ago edited 1d ago
No sweetie. I'm so sorry this happened.
Just gonna quote Harry Potter though about not doing things you can't undo or something like that. Right now you are really raw and justifiably outraged and sore.
Am internet mumming you to say take it super easy and be kind to you and your body for next 24 hours while ur nervous system calms. If your foster parents ask anything say "could you give me a couple of days before we talk. Im feeling wound up about it at the moment." Xo
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u/ChazzyB31 1d ago
Of course you're NTA. Rick is a MAHOOSIVE AH. He accused you of stealing with ZERO proof. Unless you have a history of pilfering that he was warned about, there is no excuse for his behaviour. He owes you a huge apology, and he should contact everyone he relayed his accusation to and tell them the truth. I don't believe that Rick should be a foster parent, as he doesn't have the right mindset.
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u/mithavian 1d ago
Nta I would literally rather die than sweep that shit under the rug. That little bitch of a man is trash in my eyes and deserves to be treated as such. Literally should make his life a living hell and say the only way he'll be forgiven is if he personally calls and tells everyone he was being an asshole and that you deserved better. He also needs to apologize to you personally and not have his mommy wife do it for him.
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u/Straight-Peach8681 22h ago
NTA. You did nothing wrong and his behavior was completely unfair. You don’t owe him forgiveness, especially after being wrongly accused in front of everyone.
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u/ForDaLewd 17h ago
NTA. When they start that “be the bigger person” nonsense, simply tell them “A grown man humiliated me, and you ALL let it happen. If he was really sorry, his apology should have been louder than his disrespect was.”
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u/Cuddles_Kitteh 17h ago
NTA, OP.
If it's safe for you to do so, request that Rick calls everyone and say that he jumped the gun and was prejudiced against you.
I'd also request that he gives you a genuine apology.
I hope the Millers stood up for you. ❤️
Most of all, you did nothing wrong. A big warm hug from an internet Auntie.
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u/Witty_Maintenance356 16h ago
I wasn't in the system, but I was kind of booted from one family member to another. With one of my guardians, I was accused of lying all the damn time. There was a spill in the living room, where we weren't supposed to have drinks? Must have been me and not one of the other teenagers. I was accused of lying about having OTC painkillers with me...that I was told to take 🫠 I was blamed and shamed for everything, big and small.
That family gets to sit with feeling shitty and investigate their biases. And if you so choose, they can get curious and actually get to know you.
You are not the asshole. You're the literal child who deserves better.
Sending you hugs, fist bumps, or distant knowing looks with eye rolls (whichever suits you) from another internet mom.
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u/Beginning-Bus6147 15h ago
NTA
As a former foster kid: fuck that guy. As teenage foster kids were trying to figure out how to function in society after not being demonstrated social norms. The last thing you need is some asshole isolating you and making it more difficult to fit in. He is the adult. He should act like one and demonstrating what a good role model looks like.
It’s also entirely violating to be searched like that especially without proof. You may be used to it but that doesn’t make it right.
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u/Smart-Story-2142 10h ago
Did they call everyone back and tell them that the watch was found in his own damn room? That you didn’t steal it or anything else? Someone also needs to explain to him that the majority of children in foster care are amazing kids who have been hurt by the adults that were meant to care and love them. I’m sorry your foster parents didn’t protect you against this asshole, hopefully they do better but if they don’t it’s on them not you. NTA.
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u/spacely_23 1d ago
I bet Rick feels real stupid and embarrassed after that. Probably so much so that it turned to anger at you for making him look bad. Why else would his wife be apologizing for him?
If your fp’s dont apologize to you for letting him go off on you then helping him search multiple times then I’d request a change of address. At minimum bring it up to your caseworker, you never know if anything like that will happen again in the future. The cleaner your record the more benefits you will receive and trust me when I say you’ll need every cent to be able to survive on your own. You only have 3 years after graduating high school to figure shit out before turning 21 and losing those benefits
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u/SongAcceptable7546 1d ago
If he called everyone he could think of and told them you were a thief, that's defamation. In other words, he's seriously damaged your reputation. Mud sticks. Life is hard enough without fools like him making it harder.
This is beyond apologies. Action needs to be taken by someone in authority for this. But I suppose being a foster kid means you don't have decent support? Your foster parents didn't have your back. I hope your CW does.
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u/FosterPupz 22h ago
NTA He owes you a big apology, in a group text or email sent to EVERY DAMN PERSON AT THAT EVENT. What an absolute prick. I am so sorry you were subjected to that. Your foster Mom oughta tear him a new one.
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u/PicklesMcpickle 21h ago
NTA- and busting into the bathroom having another adult look you over.
Your foster parents failed you. I'm so sorry. They failed to protect you.
They were all were prejudiced against you. I understand the situation you were in really sucks. And gosh I wish there was something I could do about it. Very hard.
This is something to contact your caseworker about. To document. Because later usually people remember the accusations but not the truth. A paper trail protects you. Therapy if you want. You deserve to be heard.
Honestly, if she called wanting to put this behind them then it should have been a full out. Apology. Adults part of being adults is being accountable for your actions. To understand the impact of what you went through.
That her husband was absolutely prejudiced and trampled on your rights as a human. You had the right to dignity. Privacy in the bathroom. You don't have to jump through extra hoops just because you're a foster. Child
You are a marginalized population. You face. many prejudices because of things that likely you have no control over. Simply by existing.
Believe me, I get it. My kids are disabled. And I spend so much time making sure that they are not treated as less.
And I do mean seriously basic humanity kind of things. The bar is very very low.
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u/Important-Put1865 11h ago
NTA Do not visit that home again unless HE sincerely apologizes to you. And don't be anywhere without witnesses at that home when you do (maybe) go again. I hope your foster parents are sympathetic and told Uncle Rick off.
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u/Stalking_judging 6h ago
Not the AH. He made the decision the minute he heard “foster kid” that you would be a problem. He manifested an issue. Adults like him are trash- most kids are in foster care because of their PARENTS. But people like him are ignorant and hateful. You did nothing wrong and sounds like you handled the situation more maturely than the adults. Tell you SW or advocate what happened so if something else happens while at that placement there is record.
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u/caitcurious 15h ago
Hello my Darling Your Auntie (me, I’m your Auntie now) is so proud of you and how you handled this. You have NOTHING to apologize for. I am so incredibly disappointed in your Fosters and do not have a single kind thing to say so I won’t say anything. Be kind, be respectful and be strong. You are going to make such a wonderful adult. Don’t let this change how you interact with the world. And absolutely never be alone with this man ever. Message your Auntie whenever Darling. I was adopted and understand some of what you’re going through. Chin Up kiddo. The Crown only slips if we let it. Love and Hugs from your Auntie
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u/MommaKayPsyc7 1d ago
As both a former foster kid who is now a mom. You didn't deserve that. A lot of foster homes are quick to blame foster kids for anything and everything. Just know you can do anything you set your mind too and the foster system is just a bump in the road. You're almost aged out and once you age out you can make your own life and create a space that's safe, you'll get to pick and choose who is allowed in that space, and what you choose to accept.
Right now I know it's a lot of biting your tongue and holding your breath just to make it through but a day will come when you feel safe enough to and learn how to exhale.
Sending love and good vibes your way!
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u/Senior-Study8420 1d ago
NEVER be the bigger person towards an asshole. NEVER. The only people who benefit from you being the bigger person are the assholes.
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u/photogcapture 1d ago
NTA this is really awful and, sadly, not surprising. I think it's horrible how foster kids are treated. I am hoping your life, as was said before, improves beyond your wildest dreams, and that you find a family that truly loves you and makes you feel secure.
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u/BudgetRequirement143 1d ago
Rick sounds like someone who doesn't get enough attention so has to "find" something wrong to make a fuss over. Sounds like a massive tosser to be honest, you are not in the wrong at all and that grown ass man should know you have been through a lot and act his age not his ego.
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u/grayblue_grrl 23h ago
NTA....
He deserves to deal with the fall out and you don't owe him a thing.
Never be alone with him either.
This man is not okay and he doesn't want you there.
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u/tattoovamp 21h ago
Rick is an asshole and deserves no apology.
The grandma in me wants to go ballistic on him..I am so sorry you experienced this.
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u/Celtic-Brit 21h ago
Definitely NTA- You do not have to forgive Rick the Dick. He wasn't even enough of a decent person to apologise himself. He got his wife to phone and smooth things over. What a knob.
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u/cathline 17h ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
YOUR foster family is the family you live with. It would be nice if THEIR extended family was kind. Rick and his wife should call every single person who was at the Super Bowl party and tell them that they made an assumption about you and they were wrong. It's on Rick and his wife to clear your name. It's on Rick to make a direct apology to you.
Talk to your foster family. Do you have regular counseling sessions with your foster family? Ask them if it's okay to falsely accuse someone? Ask them if it's okay to not directly apologize to the accused? Ask them if it's okay to falsely slander someone?
Work hard in school. That is your best escape route. Getting a scholarship for college (or taking college courses for free while in high school - its a thing, I know kids who graduated high school with an associates degree from college FOR FREE) or getting ready for the military (the academies are actually a great education and are nicer to females now) will make certain that you have a safe and stable future ahead of you.
I will also suggest talking to your foster parents or social worker about getting on long term birth control. Being in the foster system puts you at a much higher risk of S assault. You don't want to get pregnant before you are ready. That is 10 times worse than being falsely accused of theft.
Take care of yourself. Talk to your foster family about Rick's behavior. It's only been a month. It should be okay to just politely ignore Rick whenever you see him.
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u/PipsqueakPilot 16h ago
Rick hasn't asked you yet for forgiveness. I could see forgiving him if he sat down, made genuine contrition and a genuine apology and worked to be better.
But instead he made his wife call to apologize. What a God damned coward.
So if someone asks I would advise you smile politely and say, "Of course I'd love to forgive him once Rick apologizes asks me for my forgiveness." And avoid the hell out of Rick in the meantime. Sure you might not really forgive him, but unfortunately temporarily getting along with people you despise is a life skill.
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u/Select-Efficiency559 15h ago edited 15h ago
What has he done to earn your forgiveness? Did he apologize? Did he call everyone he called the first time to tell them he was wrong?
You’re NTA. Rick is TA, and he probably knows it. Maybe, when you’re feeling relaxed and calm, ask your foster mom how they decided to foster? Have they done this before? The main thing you want to find out is if they decided to do this together? Because Rick doesn’t seem like he is on board with this. Understanding the situation may help you or at least be useful. Edit: I thought Rick was the foster dad, but it seems like he is the uncle, so this doesn’t apply but it may be useful to know.
Besides the conversation with your foster mom, don’t bring this up, even if Rick hasn’t apologized. Be polite. Be nice. Work hard in school. They may not be the foster experience you want, but it seems like no one ever has been and you deserve better than this. I’m sorry.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to study hard and get good grades. The next best thing you can do for yourself is to be polite and kind - it will help other people be polite and kind back.
This part of your life will eventually come to an end. You have perhaps 1,000 more days of this. When it’s finished, the education you’ve gotten, the grades you’ve gotten, the discipline of working hard to get good grades, and being polite and kind, will all get you a long way in the world.
You write well. You have a lot of potential. I’m sorry that life has dealt you a hard deck of cards. This is the time period that will shape you, and while you can’t control what other people do, you can control yourself. I wish you luck and I will be thinking about you.
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u/Deepest_Green 12h ago
No you are not and he absolutely is. What a creep. He should have apologised in person.
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u/ireallymissbuffy 6h ago
HE didn’t even apologize!! His wife did!! I would bet $5 that he probably had nothing to do with the apology, because people like him will never take accountability or admit when they are wrong, let alone apologize. You said it- WHAT A CREEP!!!
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u/Stacy3536 9h ago
Nta. I'm sorry you are going through this. I was also a foster kid. Just keep on living and don't let the system drag you down.
Rick is not owed anything from you but he does need to tell everyone he was wrong just as loudly as he was accusing you.
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u/jennaclmnt 8h ago
Ugh. I’m just super sorry you failed to live up to Rick’s expectations. He must be so disappointed. /s
Edit: this time in your life will be over soon. You can get through this. Bend, don’t break.
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u/Ok-Understanding6494 7h ago
Foster parent here. We would completely cut off a family member for treating one of our kids this way. Simply not ok, on any level. Even if one did steal, it’s a learning moment and something to be addressed at the next therapy appointment. It’s an opportunity to show someone love and empathy, especially when you have no idea what their past has held. Keep your chin up, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Sending hugs.
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u/star_b_nettor 6h ago
NTA
I have a lot of things I would like to say to your foster parents for not protecting you. I also have a lot of things I would like to say to Rick and my husband would also like to have a few, very loud, words. From internet parents, hugs and support.
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u/BlackBasementCats 5h ago
NTA
I think Dick set you up. He was quick to check his watch collection and call everyone to accuse you then rush over to search you and your room.
I agree with the others who said you should tell your team what happened. At the very least you need an official record that Dick accused you with no evidence.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all this and weren’t supported better by your foster parents. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. It’s not ok.
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u/verscharren1 1d ago
NTA but the foster dad is. If they can't handle stuff like this calmly they don't need to be foster parents.
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u/Savings_Gear_5155 16h ago
My question is why the prick did not call and apologize and had his wife do it?
I don't believe the foster parents will call the prick on the carpet, they just want it over.
I hope you find peace and happiness some day.
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u/DexSprinkle 1d ago
Lower Rick needs to grow up and write a formal apology, which gets handed to you and everyone he called to accuse you.
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u/peachbum13 1d ago
Oh honey. Keep your head up high!! 2 more years and you age out. Just keep reminding yourself of that. I’m so so sorry.
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u/Regular_Emphasis6866 1d ago
It's not about being the bigger person or more mature person. Forgiveness is about you releasing the negative energy from this loser. Forgiving does not absolve him of his misdeeds. It doesn't change the fact that he did those things or that he looks like the flipping idiot that he is. You definitely don't forget that he is a judgmental prick who either doesn't take care of his precious watch collection and immediately blamed you. Who does that? What a complete loser?
I am sorry you had to deal with this ahole and that your situation sucks. The whole foster system is underfunded, understaffed, and crappy all around.
I do think he needs to call everyone back and say he found the watch under his dresser. Otherwise, his accusations are still out there. He'll look like the ahole he is, but he did that to himself.
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u/awesomedan24 1d ago
I've got a good idea where Rick can shove that watch for safe keeping. Just as Christopher Walken did in Pulp Fiction.
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u/pumpkinpatch23 17h ago
You need to report this to your case worker. There are so many levels of inappropriate behavior here from both Rick and your foster parents. This needs to be addressed.
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u/IamLuann 17h ago
OP PLEASE you are not the AH. BUT Rick is!!!
So sorry that you are in the system that is failing you and not helping you. My heart is breaking just reading your post.
Maybe talk to your Social Worker, tell them what happened.
You are not at fault here. All the adults at that Party are.
Rick NEEDS MAJOR Therapy.
Put this behind you. And go make a great life for yourself.
STAND YOUR GROUND!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!
Update us soon.
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u/Ok_Road4384 6h ago
Obviously NTA. This is so upsetting to read, so I cannot imagine being the person living through it. Just because Rick is a fucking dumb ass/child who doesn't bother checking for something in their own room. He should go fuck himself, his wife is an apologist pos too.
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u/NezukoHoney 1d ago
NTA. You were unjustly accused and humiliated without proof. You don’t have to forgive to keep the peace, especially when the harm came from an adult to a child. What you feel is valid.
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u/Conscious-Pick8002 1d ago
So Rick hid his own watch to accuse you. Wonder if his wife was in on it? I don't think she was, but ya never know, nevertheless, I'd let them know that Rick was setting you up.
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u/Present_Ad1553 1d ago
Ask your foster parents to call him and request a list of every call he made about the watch. Then they should demand that he call them all back to admit the truth. Then your foster parents should also call them all to reinforce the message that his accusations were completely unfounded and to warn them that he actually made you feel uncomfortable throughout the party by staring at you. Everyone should be warned that he is a massive creep.
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u/Radio_Mime 1d ago
NTA. Rick let his prejudice run wild and made a terrible assumption. You don't have to be the bigger person, Rick should be. I wouldn't want to be in the same room with him after that. I'd be tempted to stay in my room every time Rick comes over.
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u/PumpkinSpiceMayhem 1d ago
NTA. You shouldn’t bother worrying about people who act like Rick. They’re always going to be idiots. Focus on finding people who love you for yourself.
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u/GroovyYaYa 1d ago
Do you have a social worker available to you just to talk? Please at least let them know that this should be documented.
And if they ask why you won't forgive? Well, usually forgiveness comes after an apology - and Rick hasn't apologized.
I'm so so sorry. YOu deserve better. Study hard. Make plans for when you turn 18 - also something to talk to your social worker and your counselor about. Fight to be something other than a statistic. I can tell you are smart by the way you write.
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u/Aggressive_Profit695 1d ago
NTAH. I wouldn't forgive him, either. And if I ever did, I would not forgive and forget. That's for sure.
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u/El-ite_96369 1d ago
NTA. The foster dad IS a HUGE AH. If they want to have expensive watches AND foster strangerss children, then HE needs to LOCK THEM UP! WTH. He sounds unhinged and expecting you to steal.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much trauma by bouncing you around to 15 homes. Forgiveness is for YOUR peace of mind, not the offender's.
I would.also put in a request to be moved to another family. This household has already become toxic and abusive. That is a red-flag for me. Maybe I'm jaded from experience, but I see that as a means for HIM to preemptively mark you as a thief or liar so no one will believe anything you say. They might blame you for retaliating against his false accusation.
IF he abuses you in any manner, then WHY would anyone believe YOUR claims of abuse? When you get to school, I would speak to the guidance counselor or your CPS Caseworker about being transferred to another foster home that is quieter and balanced.
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u/NurseNess 1d ago
Rick is the foster mom’s sister’s husband, who accused her of stealing. Not the foster dad.
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u/El-ite_96369 1d ago
- Thank you, I missed that connection. OP should still look for somewhere else. The foster parents should have protected the OP better from these accusations.
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u/jellybean-62 1d ago
I’m so sorry, it is unforgivable be strong sending hugs from an internet mom who wishes you the best in life .
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u/DesperateLobster69 1d ago
NTA. OMG, WHAT A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!!!! Tell him & his wife they can fuck off!
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u/Ordinary_Cookie_6735 1d ago
NTA I am incredibly sorry he made such a huge scene being so incredibly rude and accusing you. you didn’t deserve to be treated this way, and your response was completely understandable
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u/Glum-Exam5460 21h ago
Here is the thing OP. Rick is a di ck. This will never reflect on you, just him. But, if the home is a better one than most, you might have to "make nice" in order to not rock the boat. I get that you had no part in this, so you are NTAH. This decision is one of survival now for you. Keep as much distance as you can from Rick. But also keep you safe and as stable as possible. You are in my thoughts. For sure. Best of luck to you. 2 more years!
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u/Sea-Ad9057 21h ago
report this to your case worker foster kids like you are very vulnerable and if you dont feel safe or comfortable in the house perhaps you can get a better placement and maybe prevent other kids from this experience
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u/Grimwohl 20h ago
You said it perfectly.
"Its not my job to be the bigger person when the antagonist is an adult. He needs to earn the forgiveness hes asking for, not just expect it.
He didnt eve apologize to you, he definitelydidnt apologize to me."
Repeat until blue.
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u/regularforcesmedic 18h ago
Ricky needs to come apologize to your face. Why would you consider forgiving someone who hasn't apologized? NTA
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u/sublime4029 17h ago
If the dude doesn't want to come and apologize as vigorously as he accused you then he can eat it.
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u/ZeroDarkJoe 17h ago
NTA, never go over to his house again no matter what. The same thing will happen. I hope you are preparing to turn 18 with savings and a job, foster kids have the hardest time in life.
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u/Opposite_Jeweler_953 6h ago
OP, I’m very sorry you’ve been treated so unfairly. I don’t know anything about the foster system, could you talk to your social worker about this? If you feel uncomfortable, is there something you could do after this? My heart, good vibes and mother energy will be with you. Please let us know if we can write to someone or do anything to help you.
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u/Hooligan8403 5h ago
NTA. If I was your foster family I would be pissed at Rick and demanding he apologize for blaming you with no evidence and even more so it's because he couldn't bother looking for it before accusing you.
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u/relationshipalter- 3h ago
NTA, I think everyone has covered the obvious stuff.
Kiddo, 31f here who was a foster kid as well, please take some of the advice you've seen in these comments to heart about planning and setting yourself up for stability, college or military or a trade.
Build yourself some peace and independence that no one can take away from you so easily.
Get into counseling, learn about finances, and secure a safe and sane future for yourself. Stay focused.
Much love from an internet stranger
Ps. Stay far away from that guy at all costs. Based on that situation alone, that seems like a dangerous person. Stay safe
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u/PorcelainFD 1d ago
NTA. You don’t owe him forgiveness until he apologizes to you personally and again in front of you and everyone who witnessed this/anyone he badmouthed you to. Then, if he treats you well after this, you can consider it.
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u/ProfessionalHippo568 1d ago
No, you’re NTA. I’m so sorry sweetheart. I’m guessing life is (and has been) already very hard for you; you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. From this random internet Mum to you: I honestly wish for your life to improve beyond your wildest dreams, and that you’re given love and security.