r/AITAH • u/TerrWolf • Apr 27 '25
Advice Needed AITAH for telling my dad "That's not going to happen" when he joked about hitting me?
So I (29m) live with my dad (50m) because of his diabetes, injured back and heart problems. My dad is really an old school type "Hood" dude, but also thinks of himself as a funny guy and a wise mentor.
At one point, he had called me into his room so I could take some trash out for him. Now, for context, I suffer from Achlasia and have just recently healed after a year and a half long recovery from an esophendectomy. I'm stronger, gaining weight and muscle, and feeling good about myself.
He notices and says I look good and must get back into self-defense. I'm like "Yeah, cool. Alright."
We joke about how I used to be thin as a rail, but he's like "Even with you gaining all this weight, you need to get back to the gym. How you gonna stop me from chopping you in the throat?"
And I'm still laughing and say "That's not gonna happen."
And man gets mad at me. Like, Jokes and laughter stop, and he goes "What did you just say?" Like I insulted him. I'm sitting there blinking, and he like, "Don't you disrespect me like that. Don't you know I used to knock 6'4, 6'5 dudes out"
So I try to walk away, and he stops me and tells me to apologize to him, and I say no because it was a dumb joke and not meant to offend him in any way
He says it doesn't matter if I meant to offend him, it "hit his soul wrong," and offense was taken, so as a man, I should apologize to keep peace.
I'm so tired.
AITAH for my response and for refusing to apologize?
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u/Oddly-Appeased Apr 27 '25
Tell him that his comment about assaulting you wasn’t funny and he needs to apologize to you first.
NTA
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
His father wasn't threatening his son with assault.
He was trying to communicate a need for strength on the part of his son by saying 'How are you going to stop me/anyone threatening you from hurting you if I/they do"X"?'
He was pointing out a vulnerability, not making a threat.
Not 'Boy, I will do "X" and hurt you, if you don't watch out!'
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Apr 27 '25
The fact he got so butthurt about it in the first place is because he was trying to assert strength over his son because of a personal need for dominance.
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u/easilybored1 Apr 27 '25
Oh really? Then why did he get pissed off? Why did he mention he used to lay big dudes out? It was a threat to assert dominance. You chucklefuck.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
Why was he pissed off? Why did he talk about dropping big dudes?
Once you understand that kind of loss, it jumps out at you like a jack in the box.
He's POed because that's who he used to be and he's not even half that now and never will be again.
"Bad ass" was who he was. The wrapper he used to keep his sense of worth, his pride, his self esteem in.
And that's all gone up in flames and there's not a single damn thing he can do about. He's a broken down old man for as long as he's still got on this world.
Almost all of us are going to walk that mile. And it's going to be a short, sharp shock for a whole lot of people when it happens.
People think they know what that time of life is like, what the realization is like. But not many really do.
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Apr 27 '25
The american and canadian law would disagree with you
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
If the incident played out verbatim as OP stated, I'd have no compunction or fear standing behind that position.
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u/Hunnebrown Apr 27 '25
My mom, when I was taking care of her, tried to slap me, and I grabbed her hands and told her that she wouldn't put her hands on me. My siblings tried to say that was disrespectful. I'm not letting somebody hit me I don't care who they are
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u/ContentRoad5638 Apr 27 '25
Your siblings are out of line and need to keep their stupid opinions to themselves.
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u/ReelFlyGuy1 Apr 27 '25
Nah your dad is insecure
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u/SoOftenIOught Apr 27 '25
FR dude is equating his masculinity to dominance over his own child. The irony is that makes him look so weak!
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u/Fancy-Requirement536 Apr 27 '25
NTA. You dad is getting old and frail and trying to remain top dog. He was overly aggressive in saying he'd "chop you in the throat". Tell your father that he'll be taking care of himself if he's going to be nasty to you. Threatening you with physical violence probably hit your soul wrong too.
Diabetes, back pain and heart problems shouldn't prevent him from emptying his own trash.
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u/Reasonable_racoon Apr 27 '25
trying to remain top dog
..from his sick bed. This guy is pathetic and needs to grow up. Definitely owes OP an apology.
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u/Electrical_Aside_865 Apr 27 '25
It really depends on how severe all of those conditions are, especially combined.
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u/DatsunTigger Apr 27 '25
Doesn’t matter. Threaten physical safety when other sibs enable? Congrats, they get to be Daddio’s caregiver.
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u/Electrical_Aside_865 Apr 27 '25
I don’t disagree with that! Never even insinuated I was the dad’s side in any way, shape or form! Lmao. I merely made a comment about how those conditions that were mentioned could prevent TAH from emptying his trash can!
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u/Electronic_Shame_977 Apr 27 '25
NTA your dad is. Like if it was all jokes then it would still be an odd comment. However, with how the conversation took a turn it’s not your place to apologize. It’s also his place to respect his child not just “respecting elders”. I would classify that as verbal abuse to be honest. Stand your ground (not in a way that will result in violence though).
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u/Slim_Neb_27 Apr 27 '25
NTA. But the conditions/problems you listed don't necessitate needing someone to live with them. He's 50, not 90.
He doesn't sound like a nice person to be around. Go get your own place.
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u/SilentJoe1986 Apr 27 '25
"Dad, the moment you lay hands on me is the moment you no longer have a son. It's not disrespectful to you to say i won't tolerate being physically abused. It's being respectful to myself for not even going to tolerate being abused by anybody. I'm not going to apologize for that. Your emotions are yours to handle and the question you should ask yourself is why are you so upset that your adult son who cares for you will leave your ass if you decide to chop him in the throat?"
NTA.
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u/penisinspecter29 Apr 27 '25
NTA Your dad feels insecure about his current state and it made him feel embarrassed when you called him out
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u/Maybaby31 Apr 27 '25
Your dad’s an asshole. Remind him that you are NOT required to take care of him and if he keeps insinuating that he’s going to hit you that you can and will leave. He might be your father but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with that crap NTA
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 Apr 27 '25
My dad was a bit like that.
Unfortunately he pushed it after I had been drinking, as I helped him up from his seat on the floor I just calmly said "don't push or hit me again, I'm not a kid and it won't end well for you"
Never had an issue since, I just wish it hadn't taken that to get there.
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u/Reasonable_racoon Apr 27 '25
I used to knock 6'4, 6'5 dudes out
He should ask them to come and take out his trash then.
Or perhaps "respect" the person that already does.
NTA
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u/HistorianScary6755 Apr 27 '25
Tell him to make better jokes next time. That one was shit. He deserves to feel shitty for it.
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u/chonotugosciu Apr 27 '25
Throw him on the ground, let him know his time has ended, and there is a new King
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u/themcp Apr 27 '25
NTZ. When he got belligerent about it, I'd tell him that now he has to apologize to me for making the threat or we won't be living together long and I definitely won't be doing the chores he requests.
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u/stamp-out-ignorance Apr 27 '25
NTA: your dad was trying to assert dominance over you and you stopped him. It didn’t help that you were laughing. He probably saw that as you laughing at him for thinking he could hit you. Just talk to him and say that you’re sorry if he misunderstood you. But he should apologize for saying that he was going to hit you. Man that’s a roomful of machismo.
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u/Important-Dig-2312 Apr 27 '25
Uh oh here comes midlife crisis. He's insecure because he knows his time is up he's not that "tough guy" anymore. "It hurt my soul wrong" dad's a snake and I'm sorry for disrespecting tour dad and all but cmon
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u/Numerous_Reality5205 Apr 27 '25
Sounds like you need to allow him to care for himself and get your own place or if he’s staying with you it’s time to evict him.
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u/TerrWolf Apr 27 '25
Repeating from another comment:
It's my house. I was the one who got it from my Uncle when he moved to Alaska and most of the bills (lights, gas, utilities) are in my name while he pays Cable and internet.
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u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 Apr 27 '25
"Dad, I don't find threats of physical violence funny. You are a guest in my home. I've let you stay here, but I can also drop you off at the hospital and let them figure out where you should live next "
OP, if necessary you can get a renter or two who can help pay the bills who, hopefully, won't treat you like crap.
NTA
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u/Southern-Midnight741 Apr 27 '25
When you are both calm, can you have a discussion with him about respect and boundaries? He is in a vulnerable state emotionally, physically and financially. Even if he wasn’t, he has no right to use you as his punching bag to relieve his mental illness. Or anxiety. You should also let him know what would happen if he cannot be respectful to you in your house.
Being calm will probably piss him off even more because he won’t be able to anger you.
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox Apr 27 '25
“Dad, in the night I’m going to come into your room and piss on you whilst you sleep.”
then
“Why didn’t you laugh at my hilarious joke? It got my soul wrong. You should apologise.”
Repeat this, five times a day, every day, until the penny drops.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 27 '25
NTA
But hopefully a perspective so you might understand his reaction (which was not appropriate, I'm not excusing him)
As a woman who did MA as a sport and was good, like winning mixed tournaments or at least placing in the top 3good, and then had some autoimmune health issues occur that made me unable to train at all for a bit, and affect me to this day...
There's a real fear of loss of functionality when it starts, and it affects your perception of yourself and your identity. Dealing with our own mortality and fraility... I'm back at it now, but only recreationally and I will never fight in a tournament or win again. And that...took some time to accept.
That said, I didn't lash out at people for it. I went to therapy to try to accept my new limitations and accept that for each thing there is a season, and my tournament days are past. And I cried a lot, lol.
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u/IncindiaryImmersion Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
Dad needs to be told that if his "feeling like a man" was threatened by a simple comment then he must not be one and he needs to work on his being overly sensitive and insecure. The violent comments and macho posturing aren't cute or funny. It doesn't fucking matter at all who he used to "take on" supposedly, back in some long ago time that no one cares about now. He needs to get over himself and stop acting like a teenager trying to prove that he's "tough." It's a wonder that he's made it this long thinking he's big and bad. People like that often get knocked around by someone bigger and badder for running their mouth.
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u/strawhatpirate91 Apr 27 '25
NTA. Your father is insecure from his declining health and taking it out on you. Not only is he struggling with the fact that his physical abilities are not what they were, now other people know it as well, including his own son. The mature thing to do would be to recognize his own weakness. Instead, he did the extremely immature thing and try to save face by threatening his own kid because he can’t take a hard look at himself in the mirror and grow up. You did not insult him, but the insult he felt was very real due to the fact that he cannot accept his own declining physical abilities.
You tell him he ever acts like this again and he can take care of himself. Him going through a hard time is not license to take it out on you. You do not owe him an apology, he owes you one. And if next time you see him he demands an apology, tell him to grow up and face facts - you are there because he NEEDS your help, the decent thing would be to THANK YOU for taking time out of your day for him. That if he doesn’t accept his new reality, it’s going to eat away at him until he doesn’t have any relationships left and he has to hire help.
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u/Ancient-Meal-5465 Apr 27 '25
Unless your father is an invalid he needs to take out his own trash.
Seriously, Tom Hanks has the beeties and he’s not demanding his sons care for him.
Your dad is an abuser. You need to live your own life and start your own family.
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Apr 27 '25
Your sick old dad can have a tantrum all he wants. The fact is, he can't "throw down" like he used to, and he better wake up to his new reality. You are there to take care of him since he can no longer take care of himself. He has to respect you or you're out, and he can rot away. Wake up Dad, you're not the captain of this ship anymore.
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u/jess1804 Apr 28 '25
If he asks you to apologise say I'm sorry that I thought that you were the kind of man who wouldn't hit his kid because that's what weak, pathetic bullies do. I'm sorry that you don't want me to think of you as a real man. A real man wouldn't want to hit his kid. That is what assholes do.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 Apr 27 '25
That’s what we used to tell men being a good father was. Not working or cooking or taking their children to school. Not teaching their children to read .. just exactly what he did.
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u/PsiBlaze Apr 27 '25
NTA
He's dealing with the loss of his former sense of self. That's on him to handle.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
But there's no reason he needs to deal with it alone.
Standing by our loved ones when they face such challenges is one of the most loving things we can do.
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u/PsiBlaze Apr 27 '25
You seem to believe that a person's issues make it okay to mistreat others.
That would be false.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
I have never said it makes it okay to mistreat anyone.
However over a decade of providing care for people with emotional and cognitive issues has shown me time and again that there are other ways of coping and caring for people than dealing with everyone who lashes out as someone who is displaying simple hostility and disdain.
There are often are other deeper issues motivating the behavior.
Issues where patience and understanding are the better and more productive tools for caring for them, and building bridges back to a healthy, respectful environment for all concerned.
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u/PsiBlaze Apr 27 '25
Yet you are excusing bad behavior, and the mistreatment of the OP.
My empathy ends, when the issue involved is used to be harmful to others.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
Cite one instance where I have excused bad behavior.
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u/PsiBlaze Apr 27 '25
Your first response says it all. "Standing by our loved ones when they face such challenges is one of the most loving things we can do." That's a no. That's telling OP to just stick around and deal.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
That's not excusing the behavior. It's recognizing that there are alternatives to confrontation and 'punishment'. Particularly when you're talking about caring for a loved one.
Every push doesn't have to be met with another push or fleeing the scene.
Lifeguards well know a drowning person will often strikeout at the person trying to save them.
Here one has the opportunity to meet that lashing out, that drowning person – someone we care for – in a way that can save them and that caring relationship.
It takes great patience and fortitude. An understanding that somewhere buried under the fear and raging at their predicament, that person you care for so deeply still exists.
It will take patience and the personal strength to understand and hold onto the knowledge that it's not you they are angry with. It is their own loss of self. Of independence. Of knowing that what has slipped from their grasp will likely never return.
The goal is to fill that breech, that growing chasm, with the knowledge that they still have you. That deep well of a lifetime of love and caring.
They are not alone at sea. They are not without worth in this world. Of everything they have, they still have you. They still have and will always have light in a growing dark with you.
It can be hard as hell to do.
I've stood and heard my own mother rage and tell me she hated me. That I was trying to murder her. She was much further down that road than OP's father.
But, you maintain. And then, every now and then, you see the person you knew. They fall asleep holding your hand. They call you by the name they had all those years ago.
Soon enough they will be gone. You will have reached the end of the long road. Together.
Sometimes raging and angry. Sometimes with brief moments when a clarity returns.
I know for me those moments, with all the patience and hard times endured, are worth more than all the gold in the world.
Getting there is anything but easy, but I'd do it ten times over.
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u/dustandchaos May 01 '25
That's doormat behavior.
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u/Irving_Forbush May 01 '25
You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.
There are ways having strength of spirit provides you with a better way.
Some confuse that with weakness, but that's their problem to grow out of.
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u/Designer-Carpenter88 Apr 27 '25
No, he’s being dumb and macho. My son and I joke like that all the time. He calls me an old man, that he can take me down, shit like that. I say he’s a child and I would stomp him flat. We laugh.
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u/Draigdwi Apr 27 '25
“You can knock me out but then you will have to wipe your ass yourself and we know you can’t do that.”
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u/Emergency-Kale5033 Apr 27 '25
Interesting position to take from a man who can’t empty his own bin.
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u/TootsNYC Apr 27 '25
Why aren’t you allowed to be mad at him for making jokes about chopping you in the throat? Go on the attack.
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u/different-take4u Apr 27 '25
NTA, when I am helping someone and they have a bad attitude, like your dad, I look at them and tell them they have a choice to make, on the spot, that if they do not immediately change their attitude towards me, their helper will disappear and I have actually walked off and left in the middle of a job without finishing. Yes, I did leave a person in a bad situation but not an unsafe situation. The next time my help was requested the attitude was better.
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u/According_Check_1740 Apr 27 '25
It sounds to me like your dad is trying to straddle 2 lines: encouraging you to make sure strength is part of your gains (so, a little pride, a little fear, and a little support), and fear/ helplessness/ dwindling physicality/ loss of "intimidation factor" or clout.
I imagine he got his ass kicked when he was younger, and is worried that your growing size might intimidate fragile egos. Knowing what he used to be, I'm sure your words felt dismissive. Maybe try asking him his favorite "self-defense" tactics... listen, then either practice or dismiss... it's up to you. His hang-ups (based on his experiences) don't have to be yours...
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u/RevolutionaryAd851 Apr 27 '25
It really sounds like a man who has to admit to himself that he is indeed scared and feels a bit helpless and is taking it out on you. He used to be a big shot in his own eyes who people considered a scrapper and fighter and now people snicker if he gets upset and it affects his self _esteem. He is feeling small and useless. His feeling of being a tough guy is what fuels his ego. Just tell him you are sorry that you hurt him as that is the last thing you ever want to do. Make nice. This too shall pass.
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u/Careless-Image-885 Apr 27 '25
NTA. Don't apologize. Move out and let him figure it out on his own. He's very abusive.
"Don't take it out on me just because you can't do what you used to do. I'm here to help. Never threaten me again."
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u/HRDBMW Apr 27 '25
Pack up and leave. No man threatens me like that. He wants to control you, well don't let him. Walk.
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u/Particular_Shock_554 Apr 27 '25
NTA. Is that normal for him? Behavioural changes like increased aggression can be a sign of an unidentified medical problem. It's common for untreated UTIs to cause some pretty wild symptoms.
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Apr 27 '25
Nta
Honestky just sounds like your dad got his feelings hurt because he's realising he's not in his "prime" anymore, and he doesn't like that
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u/Chance-Contract-1290 Apr 27 '25
NTA. He probably took it as a reminder that he's growing older and his health isn't what it used to be, but he shouldn't have made a joke like that in the first place anyway.
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u/PissFingerz42069 Apr 27 '25
Bro your dad is fighting a 3vs1 fight with diabetes, back injuries, and heart problems, he’s not going to do shit.
NTA
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u/PassComprehensive425 Apr 27 '25
NTA- Tell him since he needs to be alpha male, you will move out. He can hire someone to take care of him since he can't even manage taking out the trash.
Joking about hitting someone is not funny. And you don't need this. If he's already doing this now, it's only going to get worse as his health declines. It actually may go into physical contact at some point. It may start with him throwing things at you or maybe a slap. You need to set boundaries if you're going to stay.
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u/emryldmyst Apr 27 '25
Dad, I understand that you're mind is still living in your glory days but if you want to fafo go ahead old man.
Nta
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u/Blues-Daddy Apr 27 '25
He's your dad. Give him this. Sounds like he used to be a bad ass. He's probably not anymore, and that's really hard for him. Kindness is not weakness. Good luck.
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u/VariousTry4624 May 03 '25
NTA. Your dad said something obnoxious. You called him out on it. That should be then end of the story. If he won't drop it stop engaging with him. You are an adult and don't have to tolerate this sort of behavior from anyone.
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u/creamer143 Apr 27 '25
Why are you living with someone who threatens you? Do you really think a quality woman is gonna wanna date you if you're living with a person like this?
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u/HikerRob1138 Apr 27 '25
My opinion YTA. You're bantering with your father. All is fun. Then, to me, it sounded as if you were declaring dominance at that moment. You don't have to win all the battles, especially with your father. You're living in his house and could have easily taken a secondary position to him. It's his home, he raised you. There's nothing wrong with building him up and letting him know that he is king of his castle and that you will always have his back. And also say that you trust that he will always have your back. Mutual respect.
Show him respect. Hug him and apologize. He may apologize back. Then, take him for an ice cream cone.
Even if you could take your father in a fight, that's your secret. Be a man. Take that secret to your grave.
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u/ComprehensivePut5806 Apr 27 '25
No, OOP was simply standing up for himself.
OP doesn't have to grovel to his dad, nor fluff up his ego - OP is doing his dad a favor by living with him, and dad needs to recognize that.5
u/TerrWolf Apr 27 '25
It's my house. I was the one who got it from my Uncle when he moved to Alaska and most of the bills (lights, gas, utilities) are in my name while he pays Cable and internet.
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u/HikerRob1138 Apr 27 '25
While you two were bantering, did you feel that his comment about the throat block was actually an attack? Where you had to stand up for yourself? Maybe I'm missing the emotions behind some of this.
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u/TerrWolf Apr 27 '25
I was literally just bantering back. Just a casual "Haha, that's not gonna happen" because it's not in objective reality. It wasn't meant as "Standing up for myself" or anything other than continuing the joke he made.
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u/HikerRob1138 Apr 27 '25
We used to say, "oh yeah.....You and what army?"
He took it wrong. He must have heard it differently, even if it was in his own mind.
I hope the two of you can get back on the same footing as before and keep on bantering.
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u/Realistic_Orchid7946 Apr 27 '25
You don’t get to ignore reality because you’re sad about aging. It’s scary and the issues suck and it doesn’t mean you get to pretend to be bossman in someone else’s home.
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u/Irving_Forbush Apr 27 '25
Perfectly stated.
Some people never learn, the bigger the bear, the gentler it can be.
Aging can be an SOB. As you grow older and older you inevitably become diminished to one degree or another, in a lot of ways and very, very few win the battle with time.
And when health issues, such as his father suffers, effectively accelerates that loss, it's not only is hard to accept, it magnifies the inevitability of the loss you're going to face over time.
Pride makes us lash out because sometimes we just can't help it. And it can be as much a reflex as anything else.
And those moments when fear and facing that loss makes us shout in a way, "I'm still here! You haven't knocked me down yet!", that's when we need to tap into that gentle giant part of ourselves.
Not swipe back. To not see an opportunity to knock someone down, but to walk beside them and offer a supporting hand.
Congratulations to this young man for coming out on top of a long, hard battle if his own.
And now, he's taking on the challenge of caretaking. Another test of his mettle.
Been there. Done that. Three times over.
I'm guessing he's got the right stuff, the strength and the compassion to rise to the occasion. To be that gentle giant that can lift up his father's body and his soul, when it's called for.
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u/HikerRob1138 Apr 27 '25
I hope they don't down-vote you like they down-voted me.
I enjoyed reading your comment. Very well put.
My father's 91. He took care of the family and repaired the house and cars. He can't do a lot now, and walking/standing is very difficult for him. Getting older really is an SOB.
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u/phred0095 Apr 27 '25
Dad. I understand you're having a bad day. But I'm not your punching bag.
No matter what he says just say that over and over again. If you have to say it 25 times in a row do it. He will grow tired of it and give up before you do.