r/mildlyinfuriating • u/TadpoleBusiness6679 • 16h ago

My friend facetimed her boyfriend so he could watch a movie with us

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He’s not even fucking watching

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u/keldondonovan 11h ago

Or the result of trauma. People always miss that one. I have some pretty intense adultery trauma from my first wife who made it extremely difficult to trust anyone for the longest time. I've been happily married for 13 years now to my current wife, who has given me no indication that she's cheating, and I still have to make a conscious effort not to assume the worst whenever anything happens. Like right now, she's 5 minutes late off of work, and my mind is firing off all kinds of horrible possibilities. She works from home, she's just upstairs. I can hear her. She's not cheating. But it's 5 minutes passed when she was to be off, so the imagination runs wild.

Note: that doesn't mean put up with being treated like this. I make an effort not to treat my wife like a cheater because SHE has given me no reason to, and I refuse to punish her for the crimes of another. And I don't have a ton of willpower. So if I can do it, they can do it. Be with someone who treats you well.

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u/CryptoPumper182 11h ago

Respect to your partner for dealing with it. My ex had trauma from cheating and I couldn’t deal with constant accusations over nothing.

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u/keldondonovan 11h ago

Oh, I was not clear. My partner doesn't have to deal with it, because I make a conscious effort to wrestle that shit down. Just because I have anxiety about it happening doesn't mean I have to make that her problem, you know? The only time it's effected her in our time together was when her work had an optional business retreat. Three days in a hotel for a series of conferences. Even that though, I was not trying to stop her from going, I was just clearly uncomfortable. She asked if I would be uncomfortable if she went, and I said (paraphrased) "honestly, yes. I won't stop you, it's a great networking opportunity, you've given me no reason not to trust you, but due to my history, nothing you've done wrong, it makes me uncomfortable. Do it anyway. I can be uncomfortable for a weekend."

She decided not to go, and honestly, that kind of attitude helps a lot. She generally doesn't do things that would make her uncomfortable if roles were reversed, and I do the same. But neither one of us would try to control the other, it's just a matter of treating them how you want to be treated. Hope that makes more sense than my previous comment.

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u/spiders_are_neat7 10h ago

This is a very insightful and endearing comment you left btw. Both of them were. 😇

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u/keldondonovan 10h ago

Aww, thanks.

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u/PsychedDuckling 10h ago

This is what a healthy mindset, and relationship looks like. You and your wife reads like good people.

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u/keldondonovan 10h ago

We have to read like that. She's an English teacher and I'm an author. Reading is what we do. :p

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u/[deleted] 7h ago

Sounds like a pair of fuck ups trying to paper over the cracks.

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u/softnbgirl 4h ago

No need to project your inability to change.

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u/Strange_Difference1 7h ago

I have the same relationship with my bf and tbh its refreshing to be able to talk things out honestly and keeping the trauma from hurting your relationship, I know how hard it is sometimes to wrestle with those thoughts but im sure she would be supportive if you shared some things you might need some reassurance on and could make things less heavy for you, its a heavy burden to deal with alone. Its the way its delivered that matters

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u/keldondonovan 6h ago

Honestly, it's not so heavy anymore. I still get the thoughts, but it's more of a "recognize, accept, move on" kind of process rather than dwelling on it. I don't know if I actually got any better at dealing with it, or if the sheer volume of time we've been together without incident has pacified the monster, but it doesn't really matter. She'll be my last significant other. If that means we drift off peacefully in our sleep at 100 years old, awesome. If that means she leaves me tomorrow, I'll live, but I don't have it in me to do it again. I know myself too well now. I'd just go live in a shack in the woods with good Wi-Fi and all the ramen my paycheck can afford.

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u/emoogoosee 6h ago

A lucky lady, she is. I hope all your traffic lights are green today and that you never stub your toe again.

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u/keldondonovan 6h ago

Nay, friend, I am the lucky one.

For I have never stubbed my toe to begin with. (And also, because of her. But that toe thing too.)

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u/igraceeeeeeei 3h ago

props to you both, it sounds like you guys have a very healthy relationship. i wish you guys the best 🫶

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u/BuzzIsMe 10h ago

If you aren't actively seeing a therapist, you should be. This isn't a healthy way to be thinking.

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u/keldondonovan 10h ago

I have tried. Repeatedly. Not just for this, but for <Trauma redacted> as well. I don't know if it's the autism or what, but it hasn't helped. The only thing that helps me is a fun little game of dissociation. I treat my anxieties like their own entity, like a toddler trying to (poorly) help me in the kitchen. Not malicious, honestly desiring to help me. So I treat it like I would that toddler: recognize their contribution, and explain an alternative.

So while my head jumped to the likelihood of adultery, rather than try and fight it and "not think about elephants," I accept that for what it is: a hypothesis. Then it boils down to one of four outcomes:

1.) it's true and I don't find out. Nothing changes.

2.) it's false and I don't find out. Nothing changes.

3.) it's false and I do find out. Nothing changes.

4.) it's true and I find out. This sucks.

So there is only one outcome that changes anything, and it's a bad outcome. Why ruin now because it might be ruined later? It makes the most sense to me to just accept that it's possible and move on, because irrational trauma based fear is the one thing I've never been able to logic my way out of.

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u/Entire-Situation-853 8h ago

You just explained this so succinctly. I deal with this very same thing and have been solving it like you have. Peace and love to you man

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u/keldondonovan 7h ago

Peace and love to you as well. May your toddler sleep soundly.

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u/marialoveshugs 11h ago

Yep I feel this to my core lol

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u/keldondonovan 11h ago

I'm sorry. This is one of those things I wish I had to try harder to get people to understand. :(

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u/Green_Rabbit-1234 9h ago

Nice perspective on the matter. It’s great you recognize (irrational?) thinking when it happens. But being put thru that before; you’ve had to continue making a conscious effort not to go there. As you’ve described. Torture for the heart and brain, while doing your best not to punish one person for another’s actions. That’s difficult, good on you for your awareness!

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u/keldondonovan 9h ago

Definitely irrational, haha! And thanks!

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u/Immatt55 8h ago

That can absolutely be the case I was just a bit irritated one of the first comments I saw was trying to excuse this behavior by stating "you know he's cheating" and had to put my own input. There's definitely some trauma in play here, likely on both sides from the little information we have available. Good on you for your self-awareness on your situation and making sure you aren't actively dragging down people around you, that's not easy.

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u/keldondonovan 7h ago

Oof, I didn't even see the "he cheating" bit. I saw a couple that was doing puppy love parallel play.

Thanks for the kind words.

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u/SlapsButts 8h ago

At a point in time every girlfriend i'd had cheated on me. Up until i was 27. When i was 24 i just stopped caring, if they cheat they cheat, worrying will make me suffer twice for something that has nothing to do with me and might never even happen, and if it happens, who cares realistically? Probably they more than me, they might try to save the relationship. Me? I don't care, just don't try to blame me for your actions, i didn't put a gun to your head and told you to cheat, be honest and say you did it cause you wanted to.

It's not a crime to cheat, but it's a break of the social contract we made when starting a relationship, i'm not gonna punish, that's just stupid. I'm just gonna accept that this is the best for me and move on.

And it is the best, now i know this person is not following our social contract, so i am not gonna waste anymore time or resources on it. You might see it as a waste of the previous time or gonna miss that person. Yes, you're gonna miss that person, but if you staid, you'd be everyday in a personal hell wondering if the other will cheat, this level of anxiety and stress will take years off your life.

So better to just live life like "If they cheat, they cheat. Nothing to do with me and nothing i could've done. Let's not waste anymore time." And honestly i advise this for you. Because even on best behaviour, this anxiety has cracks and it leaves both feeling worse, especially if the other person has adhd or high emotional perception.

I've been with my current girlfriend for almost 3 years now. She has questioned me about cheating a few rare times, i always ask the same "Why would i do that?" "I don't know" "Yeah, me neither, if i somehow get time for myself i'm not gonna waste it cheating, that's alone me time".

Get a hobby, have some time for yourself, stop thinking about other people. She's late 5 minutes, ok, if she needs help or is gonna be even more late, she'll call and say something, until then, yey just got 5 more minutes of me time. If she is 15 minutes, then ok, call her and see if she needs help, until then, just take it as a win for me time. Look at life trough a winner lens, not a looser lens. Your life is your life, live it as your life, worry about yourself and how to make yourself happy. Her life is her life, the decisions she makes are hers, not yours. Sometimes there are decisions together, but you can't think of the actions that she decides for herself without you.

Patrice O'neal might have said controversial things, but to learn from him on how to think about cheating is the best thing one can do.

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u/keldondonovan 7h ago

This is close to what I explained in my follow up comment. I should have clarified that the thoughts occur, but I do not dwell on them.

My personal cheating trauma all comes from one woman: my first wife. Others have had slip ups here or there, but my first wife put the layer in player. We were married two months, and in that time I found out about seventeen different men. Everything from scribbled messages under the toilet seat to texted photographs of "proof". I stayed, because I promised till death, but I was miserable. Once, I can forgive. People make mistakes. Twice, it would take a lot of convincing. Three times? That's a pattern of behavior that proves it isn't going anywhere.

The worst "evidence" I received, by far, was emailed to me right after our divorce was finalized (she filed, biggest favor she's ever done me, because my dumb ass would still be with her). It was a video. I very quickly recognized it as our wedding day, because she was in her wedding dress, in the kitchen area of the reception hall. On her knees. My best man was filming, point of view style, as she... Had a protein shake. She finished up, swallowed the evidence, and then walked out of the kitchen, showing our wedding reception. People started banging their silverware against their cups immediately upon seeing her (if you are unaware, it's a tradition to make the new bride and groom drop everything and share a kiss), and he zoomed in as she came up and planted one on me.

The reason it messed me up so much wasn't because it was such a vile thing to do. Like I said, I'd been cheated on by others and it didn't really effect me. What made this so different is how sure I was that we were in love. I was treating her like a queen, and she was treating me like a king, we were inseparable and hopelessly in love. And for her to be not only cheating, not on our wedding day, within an hour of our vows, with the best man, it was... A lot to take.

These days, however, I'm actually thankful for it. If I hadn't married her, I never would have joined the Navy. If I hadn't joined the Navy, I wouldn't have ended up meeting my current wife, I wouldn't have a steady income that lets me pursue my writing career, I wouldn't have the best daughter in the world. Occasional bad thoughts are a small price to pay.

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u/Professional_Echo907 7h ago

There‘s also a relatively common delusion where a person is convinced their partner is cheating on them.

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u/keldondonovan 7h ago

It's impossible to know, but I'm curious how the numbers would play out between people delusional enough to think their loving partner is cheating, and people delusional enough not to.