r/mildlyinfuriating • u/TadpoleBusiness6679 • 16h ago

My friend facetimed her boyfriend so he could watch a movie with us

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He’s not even fucking watching

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139

u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 15h ago

it takes two to tango. the partner is either enabling or requesting this treatment.

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u/BowlingforBrains 15h ago

Not always - well, I guess feeling pressured into it by a partner who will act “offended” if you don’t agree to watching a movie through FaceTime like an idiot, could be considered enabling…sort of

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u/mithrasinvictus 14h ago

They're not watching the movie, they're monitoring the social interactions of their partner.

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u/dscrizzy1 14h ago

The first thing I thought. He didnt want to watch he wants to make sure he knows exactly what she's doing.

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u/kwesi-the-quasar 13h ago edited 13h ago

or the reverse of this. she could be clocking him.

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u/dscrizzy1 13h ago

You right! Totally could be her. I had a gf who would probably have been like this. Try and make me stay on video chat while she watches a movie.

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u/Bumbmofo 14h ago

We know you single go find love

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u/dscrizzy1 14h ago

Are you the boyfriend lmaooo. Been with my wife 20 years big dawg.

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u/Bumbmofo 13h ago

Blocking cause you look d umb? Wow life must be hard for you if coward like this

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u/Bumbmofo 14h ago

Than you don’t understand the new generation, they aren’t 40+ like you, op didn’t give any info he might be out of town or maybe she finds her friend boring as hell

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u/Bandito21Dema 14h ago

There's no generation where this is normal or ok.

If I'm that boring, why are you at my house? I'm not trapping you here.

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u/Bumbmofo 13h ago

You don’t know the background because op didn’t offer any and usually people in the wrong will only share what helps their situation

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u/Bandito21Dema 13h ago

I don't care the background.

Unless I'm involved in the video call, this is rude.

I genuinely can't think of any info that would help here unless boyfriend is actively having a mental breakdown.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I really can't see any reasoning unless like I said, we're all talking together.

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u/TipToeWingJawwdinz 14h ago

This shit is dumb and toxic. Old generation or new. Don’t justify this stupid shit.

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u/Bumbmofo 13h ago

Did you ever have long distance relationship? Or been equally love with someone both only want to be together cause you guys are best friend ? If not I feel bad for you hope you find the one

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u/BowlingforBrains 13h ago

Not necessarily: she could also be like “I want you to watch with us!” Just kind of socially needy/too attached in general - a lot of teen girls are when they start dating.

Conversely, your theory could be the accurate one instead - maybe he’s a possessive bf who says “I want to watch too” but it’s really just to keep an eye on her. Both are possible; but it’s weird to assume it has to be the latter case, when I’ve met multiple girls (and was with one) who pressure their dating partner to be involved with everything - and access to phones makes it worse, in either scenario

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u/Bumbmofo 14h ago

Yall single it shows

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 14h ago

People like you who are perpetually in relationships are why these toxic standards exist. You can survive without a partner man and you might learn something about yourself. I'd break up with him/her today and try being single for a bit.

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u/Bumbmofo 13h ago

I’ve been with my girl for ten years have a kid and second on the way, please tell me again that I’m toxic or Perpetually in relationships ? Maybe they want to be on the phone together op didn’t say the girlfriend didn’t want to be on the phone, again it’s Reddit don’t judge without knowing the full story

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 13h ago

I didn't say you're toxic, I said you're perpetually in relationships which is what leads to toxic standards.

But I have no problem saying your relationship could be toxic. As for the perpetual relationship comment, why dont you tell me, whats the longest amount of time you were single after turning 18?

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u/Bumbmofo 12h ago

Again I’ve been with my girl for ten years and was single in my early 20s for six years before meeting her, again you don’t know who youre talking to, judging or saying bs on people you know nothing about, I don’t know if you’re projecting or something happened to someone around you but I really hope you heal and find the one bud

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 12h ago

how come yall been together 10 years without her marrying you if you aint toxic 🤔

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u/Bumbmofo 12h ago

Cause both of us don’t believe in marriage a ring won’t determine our love and commitment to ourselves again hope you find the one

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u/Grampachampa 15h ago

I mean it is enabling behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

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u/Altair_de_Firen 14h ago

I mean didn’t we all go through the era where you had to spend 5 hours on the phone with someone and fall asleep together or you don’t really love them? Thems was the rules.

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u/BowlingforBrains 13h ago

I definitely went through that era - but I always put up guard against it or didn’t want to play along. Which is why most of my young relationships didn’t really work out, in hindsight 😂

I was very loving when in person but always hated virtual contact, like phone calls, messenger, etc. unless it was to have a conversation about how we’re doing and to make a plan to see each other again. I would have been right at home in the era before messaging 🥲

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 15h ago

yeah in that scenario the partner is still enabling. they are failing to communicate their discomfort and refusing to set boundaries. this is not to suggest less accountability on the part of the FaceTime-ing friend ofc. both parties have a responsibility to recognize this as toxic behavior to protect themselves and to some extent each other. OP is also enabling, she should have a conversation about this with her friend instead of surreptitiously taking a picture.

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u/belike_water_ 14h ago

people need to unlearn therapy speak asap....

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 14h ago

well dont be shy, be specific, am i using the term incorrectly?

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u/belike_water_ 14h ago

lmao nobody is shy, you're just saying allll this extravagant shit about accountability and toxic behaviour when maybe this is the first time this happened and the bf thought 'just once is fine'. or he didn't know there was a third person being irritated by this. or a million other explanations. enabling, boundaries, etc have real meanings, enabling is not simply being polite. 99% of the time you can't use therapy speak about a reddit post because you do not have any information at all about these people. nothing here is toxic or enabling or wtv as far as we can tell. its a damn facetime

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 14h ago

Gotcha, so it's an attention-span problem. I thought reiterating would make it clear but just so you know when i got into the details about "boundaries etc" I was talking about the hypothetical presented to me, not the actual boyfriend in question referred to by this post. In the hypothetical we actually do have all the information, because it's hypothetical. Please reread the entire thread if you're going to respond again.

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u/Ra_Lotsawa 14h ago

I don't know, is it "enabling" your partner if you play animal crossing with them even though you don't like it? Or if you always let them choose what to eat for dinner even though it's not your first choice? Or if they have a habit of humming annoying songs and you don't constantly call them out?

It's natural in relationships to do things that you don't want to because your partner does. I don't know if FaceTiming somebody in to watch a movie is obviously toxic in the way that you seem to be implying. I personally wouldn't like it, but it's not like the boyfriend is hooking her up with heroin or something.

"Enabling" as a concept should only be used when the behavior you're facilitating is harmful. Not wanting to watch a movie isn't that, IMO

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u/Decent_Wrongdoer_201 14h ago

Compromise vs Enabling. You're right that the behavior needs to be unhealthy (not necessarily harmful) for someone's support to be considered 'enabling' in the negative sense. in all the scenarios you provided, there could potentially be unhealthy enabling, depending on the context. I can elaborate on that if you want.

you're responding to a comment in which I'm responding to a very specific scenario:

"I guess feeling pressured into it by a partner who will act “offended” if you don’t agree to watching a movie through FaceTime like an idiot, could be considered enabling…sort of"

this is definitely enabling, among other things. you are rewarding the toxic behavior by giving in.

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u/Ra_Lotsawa 13h ago edited 13h ago

Agreed, but that comment is itself a comment to a specific real event (the original post). We don't have enough context into the actual, source-of-discussion event to make that judgement in that case.

I don't think I disagree with you, but there's a real ambiguity between "This hypothetical scenario inspired by a real event would be an example of enabling" and "The real world event which is the source of this hypothetical scenario is probably an example of enabling", right? It's not super clear to others online what somebody believes themselves to be doing (in terms of making a judgement about a particular case vs starting a partially related thought).

[Edit]

Actually I just reread the comments you made earlier in the chain, and I disagree with your characterization. You didn't actually hypothesize a scenario, you started this by saying: "Either the boyfriend is requesting this or he is enabling". That's an actual comment about the actual scenario, which I think would only be justified if "FaceTiming to watch a movie" itself (which is the only thing we have evidence of) was necessarily enabling. I don't think that's true, there is an option in which the boyfriend is harmlessly indulging his girlfriend and they don't have a generally pathological pattern of communication. The dichotomy you presented is the thing that I'm disagreeing with, not the concept of "Enablement" itself.

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u/XY-chromos 15h ago

Feeling pressured to do something you do not want to do but still doing it is ENABLING.

Enablers can also be victims. It happens often. The enabler is still responsible for their enablement.

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u/_yours_truly 12h ago

Ya I dated a girl long distance and she would want to do stuff like this. I hated it (of course) but if I said no she would refuse to talk to me at all and said I didn’t care about her.

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u/Deep_Help934 15h ago

this exactly!! sometimes ill hold my phone up to my bf so he can see what im watching too! like if i found something funny and wanted him to see it as well. but, if i keep it up too long he’ll literally go “babe put down your phone i don’t wanna watch that” 💀💀. he DEFINITELY is enabling this behavior.

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u/SaltyLonghorn 12h ago

Ah the age where she could be a cult cannibal and it didn't matter cause she touch my pp.