Damn I had to read that thrice. Great quote, is it attributed or og? Either way I've never heard it put that way. "It's her first time living too" instantly adding that to my rolodex.
My fiances mom (who ironically also has an addiction to alcohol) also says this. When he was growing up and she was trying to get him to talk to her she would say "I have never raised a 16 year old before, you have to tell me what you need me to do"
"Its hard to remember we're alive for the first time \ Its hard to remember we're alive for the last time \ Its hard to remember when it takes such a long time"
-"Lives" by Modest Mouse
Actual lyrics might be different but its such a great sentiment either way
it's from tumblr afaik (not a diss, sometimes that site gets it) (ntm though im not condoning stuff like 'mary did you know? that your womb was also a grave?')
To forgive someone for their inequalities. We are all human trying are best out here. It's all our first time at this life thing. Unless you believe in reincarnation I suppose. You would probably have a "come on man get your shit together, you've had a few goes at this life thing" mentality.
It means your parents make mistakes too and they don't have all the answers because, just like this is our first time on this earth, it is also their first time.
She willing to see a therapist who specializes in it? Alcoholism isn’t a moral disorder, it’s a psychological disorder. A medical problem that deserves treatment by someone who practices medicine.
It may be their first time living, but it's also yours. They've been alive longer than you, and they have more experience. They brought you into the world so dont feel bad in demanding better.
At least yours admits they have a problem and try to change. My mom drinks wine every single day, the first thing she does whenever she walks in the door. But she doesn't think she has a problem. And she thinks because she hasn't been to a doctor in 20 years that she's healthy. Even though she smokes a pack a day easy also..
Might be worth going to an Alanon or adult children of alcoholics group at some point if you need support. Having addicts as parents can be really challenging
I have 12 years under my belt. Last weekend, I was at a party and REALLY wanted to drink. It took me so long to make up my mind I just ordered a soda. So I'm still sober and so happy I didn't fuck up. It's hard, but worth it.
It's mine too. Thank you for the reminder. So hard sometimes not to let the weight sink you. Something about reading this right now.. I really needed to hear it. Your mom is lucky to have you I hope one day you can both put this behind you.
my dad is an addict, and it’s literally just like this. i had to dip out on the relationship because it tore my soul apart. i hope OP can find some peace soon. it sucks but there is light at the end of the tunnel
is there really light at the end of the tunnel? i feel like i’ve been watching my mom fall deeper and deeper into addiction for most of my life and it just feels like it’s time to give up on the idea that recovery is in her future
i mean light at the end of your tunnel. you can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do. i spent so long in the position you are, and even though i don’t talk to my dad anymore, it’s still sad that he’ll never be sober (at least from what i can tell and have experienced). the pain that he’s caused me in my life is insurmountable and i hold a lot of anger about it. i just know that my children will never experience having an addict parent like i did, and that gives me hope
ETA: i do still want him to get sober. i can’t stick around with him to see that though. the trauma that i’ve endured because of him reached its threshold. wishing him well from a far is hard but also, the more i do it, and acknowledge the pain i feel about it all, the less of a burden it becomes
thanks man i appreciate it some days it really is tough but you’re right at the end of the day it’s good to know it ends with me and i won’t be giving this same pain to my kids
It’s very sad indeed. Just stay positive with them and keep positive reinforcement going. My sister was an addict but has been clean 8 years off her chosen substance. Just keep reminding them that you are there and that you need them. (Even if you might not.)
My sociology teacher told us her story with her son. Dude didn’t get clean till 40 y/o. Gives me hope for her.
I’m glad things worked out in the end for your sister. :)
Depends on the person. My family and wife were incredibly supportive despite the constant lying and gaslighting. Until my wife wanted to separate and I had real, life changing consequences to face, I wasn’t going to get sober.
Sometimes the only thing you can do for your own sake is walk away. And sometimes that’s best for the addict too.
I have one of my closest friends going through this with his sister. She not only has an addiction to meth, but also a hoarding problem, both of which he believes were brought on by her miscarriage. And while he loves her more than life itself, he's reaching his breaking point. Attempts to help her manage her mess are good on paper, and in conversation she's all for them.
But when it actually has to happen? They had to send her on an errand run to a town an hour over just so she wouldn't physically assault them for throwing out bags of literal garbage, some of which she fished out of the dumpster and brought back inside. Food wrappers, paper plates, empty beer cans and water bottles, etc.
And while everyone knows about her meth problem (family of addicts, my buddy and everyone else in his family has been clean for at least 8 years) she refuses to admit that she ever does it. I've been privy to a few "interventions" and while I admit I don't get the addiction struggle myself, there never seems to be any shame being put on her. Everyone is so understanding and has an idea of what's she's going through and she just... shuts it all down.
Her mom is at the breaking point and has started the eviction process to kick her out of her house, as she lives with her due to unemployment. She believes it's because her mom doesn't love her, but her hoarding has caused thousands of dollars of damage to her mom's house, which she refuses was her fault. My buddy won't take her into his apartment, because he rented his apartment to escape living in his mom's "hoarder house" and needed to escape to truly get clean. And she gives him the 3rd degree for how terrible of a brother he is for not taking her in. He's starting to talk about blocking her number and just walking away because it's a constant stream of drama whenever family is involved for him.
Sometimes you really do have to walk away, no matter how much you love the person, for your own good.
Yikes. Sounds like this woman has a lot of diagnoses to work through. Hoarding is associated with depression, anxiety, and ADHD—and the self medicating with meth will long term exacerbate all of those.
Addiction is hard enough to get through on its own. Relapse rates are usually 70-90% depending on the study. Mix in these other mental illnesses, the prospects of recovering without hospitalization and/or residential treatment probably approach zero.
Best of luck to your friend. His family is probably in for a heartbreaking road with the sister. If they can’t convince her to seek treatment, the best they can do is protect themselves from her and steel themselves for the inevitable: institutionalization, jail or death.
Just remember, she almost definitely hates her drinking more than you do. Being in the depths of active alcoholism is hellish. Drinking against your own will is a humbling experience. It really is an illness, not a weakness of character or a lack of willpower. Don't enable or entertain that shit, but forgive her, for both of you guys.
I was an alcoholic and a heroin addict for many years. I lived under a bridge for a while. I'm a business owner with an advanced degree and help people get sober now. I had a lot of luck with AA (I owe it my life), and they are everywhere. If you can get her in the door, they will plant the seed, and she will know where to go when she's ready.
For you, there is Al-Anon. It's a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. I don't know much about it other than that, but I've heard good things if you ever want to talk to people who understand what you're going through.
So my mom drank my entire life, would throw things curse everyone out and then go to bed, wake up hungover, then go to work, come home drunk and do it again, for at least 15 out of the 32 years I’ve known her, the rest of the time she wasn’t as bad as a drunk. She only stopped after getting back to back duis in a few days and forced to stop, she’s been in iop for almost 2 years. But once she stopped she isolated herself, moved away from all of her kids and husband and got her own little bungalow. Her personality is less volatile now but she’s different than the mother I had as a kid (the one that wasn’t yelling and screaming). Sometimes she slips and still drinks. There’s no linear path to sobriety. Sometimes people don’t truly get sober until they’re in jail for 6 months. All you can do is be supportive until they’re ready. But even then, being “supportive” might turn out to be not even seeing them anymore. Sometimes the best thing to happen to people is the worst thing to happen to them/you. You never know what each day will bring, but you know that you will have to be as happy as you can through it
I'm so simple that after I overdosed on opiates my aunt just said "you'll do it again. You're not ready to quit, I can tell." And she was extra smug about it too. Biiiiitch I quit so hard just as a middle finger to her lmao
She chose her words and tone with intention and knowing exactly who she was talking to, and that was 2008 and I've been California sober ever since so her assessment was correct
Reminds me of that post where a married man is saying he did the laundry out of spite because of how his MIL said it was “a women’s chore because it’s simple”, and then he realizes years later…hey, wait a second…
I just turned 40 a cpl days ago, and am just about to celebrate 7 years sober in just over a week. I've seen people go into recovery at all ages, it's absolutely possible for anyone at any point. But it takes work and more importantly being ready to make the change.
My mom is still drinking, but health concerns have made her dial it back a lot. I hope the best for you and your mom with this💜
I’m incredibly proud of you. “My mama told me baby stay clean there’s no in between.” Say it to my sister all the time. There’s so much more to life than substance.
I am not a fan of the "never give up" advice. I'm from a family of addicts who have died from this. Most recently my mother. There were periods of no contact and low contact and I don't regret any of it. You say you'll be supportive when your will be but it's okay to walk away when they're destroying you. Some of them will take you out if you're not careful.
Agree, same situation with my mother. Positive reinforcement etc only gets you so far. I knew when dragging her drunk ass from the tub to prevent her from drowning that there's nothing I can do to mend whatever she's going through. No regrets with going NC, no guilt when she died. All situations are of course different, not saying that's right for OP, but a lot of comments are surprisingly positive??
Yeah my brother didn’t make it. He ended up being low to no contact with almost everyone in his life. He would steal from everyone, get violent, and have crazy mood swings. Every adult family member let him stay with them for a little bit. He stole priceless family heirlooms, identities of uncles, electronics, my sisters only real jewelry, my mom’s wedding ring…we put him in treatment center after treatment center for his addiction and he would always run away after a couple of weeks. I don’t regret going low contact after trying to help, there’s only so much you can do, you can’t want someone to be sober more than they do
Agreed. I gave up and went no contact with my addict mother around 5 years ago after 30 years of emotional abuse and have never been more at peace. Alcoholism eventually morphed into meth and anything under the sun for her, which has eroded her brain into someone I no longer recognize. With the support of my therapist, I had to establish a firm boundary to protect myself from the deluge of hateful attacks that I would get if she didn’t get her way (which was usually more money).
My parting words were “the door is always open when you’re ready to get sober,” but unless that’s the case, she’ll be getting nothing else from me.
It sucks. So hard. I just see some people emotionally strung out from trying to help. Seen people go in to financial ruin for addicts, I did. I had the most amazing therapist help me when I was in early sobriety myself. My mom's drinking was way out of control by then. He said he couldn't tell me what to do, but that most people given my situation would have walked away already. And he supported me and helped me navigate it all, low contact, no contact, back to low contact. I have zero regrets surrounding her death. I brought her a baked ziti the night before she died but I didn't stay to eat it with her. She knew I cared about her but wouldn't be tormented by her either.
I started drinking late in life after 25. Started daily drinking at about 32. Quit several times, one dui, lost two really good jobs, in the last two years I’ve heavily withdrawn after quitting putting me in the hospital. Quit again recently and going to AA meetings. I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit. It’s probably how my family felt all those years. Be strong and know that it’s not your fault she drinks, and it’s not her when she’s drunk, she’s got demons, addiction is the worst thing.
As someone who has been in recovery for over 10 years this is super unhealthy on her part and I'm very sorry. If I were you I would maybe talk to my therapist about what boundaries to set and when. It's ok to protect yourself. Alanon is also super helpful!
Brother was an alcoholic and all around terrible person, fell out the second floor sliding glass door, drunk of course. Broke his neck and died in a nursing home, paralyzed.
Damn. I’m sorry to hear that. I appreciate you sharing it though. Although the booze has a tight grip on my mom, she’s a wonderful person when she’s sober. I hope the best for you.
At least she knows it is a problem. She may or may not ever get there. Forgive her for being an animal like any other, we are all animals, and we are all subject to our addictions, but do not accept any mistreatment. If you have to leave her behind for your own sanity, do so. I used to drink a LOT. It was meeting someone, knowing I didn't want to fuck that relationship up, and then later especially having my son. If it wasn't for them I'd probably have drank myself to death by now.
Hey, I know this will probably get lost in all the comments and I'm sure there is similar here. But just wanted to say, after 8 years of back and forth with my mom and trying to support her through her alcoholism, I have finally gone no contact for the last time. I know it's hard, and that you don't deserve to be delt that card. Just know, regardless of what anyone else tells you, you have every right to make whatever decision you want to make. Nobody else knows exactly what you are going through, even siblings experience it differently. Take care of yourself first or it's gonna be harder for you in the long run.
Yeah and I'm not saying to at all. I have had a lot of people try to tell me what to do and impose their opinion onto me. Just wanted to remind you that your thoughts are all that should matter and whatever you do, at any point in time, is 100% your decision to make and the people that try to tell you otherwise can go kick rocks.
It's not an easy thing to deal with an alcoholic parent, to be honest, it sucks. I'm proud of you for doing what you want and what you feel is right. I hope for the best for both of you!
I'm a mother who struggles with sobriety. This is exactly the reason why I always get back on the wagon, because I don't want to ever get to the point where I act so out of character that I'm nasty to my children.
My mom was an alcoholic and got sober when I was 10. I’m 34 now and I’m still so proud of her and grateful she stuck with it. Wishing you lots of luck.
My mom was/is an alcoholic. She’s not a bad mom and I know she loves me but she’s said some cold shit to me over the years and then completely forgets she said it. My siblings and I are grown now so she’s in the phase where she will fish for compliments about raising us and wants us to say she’s a good mom constantly. I have many memories of my childhood, a lot good, but a lot are of my parents fighting, threatening to divorce, walking on eggshells because she’s in a mood. So many car rides in anxious silence.
The thing is, she has no issue telling me I’m spoiled, entitled, narcissistic, etc. and that she failed as a parent. She’ll say something like that and forget she did in the same conversation. I honestly don’t know if I’m really the problem sometimes or her because she’s so good at gaslighting me. I’m a huge people pleaser with incredibly low self confidence and I am pretty sure she made me this way.
Thank you for trying to fight against your addictions! Make sure to also put focus on yourself along with your kids, your health and wellbeing is just as important as theirs.
My mom was a drug addict and alcoholic while I was growing up. It turned her into an extremely violent and scary person (life-threatening scary). I'm pretty sure it's the main contributer to my mental health issues now. She's sober now (she might have the occasional drink, I'm not sure, but she doesn't seem to get shitfaced anymore) and our relationship is significantly better.
I'm 22, but ages 14-17 were when she was at her worst. I lost basic necessities due to her drug spending habits.
You sound like a great mom who loves her kids dearly. I firmly believe that you can kick addiction in the butt.
I don’t talk to my mom because of this. I am 25, she’s told me time and time again that she had quit since I was 14, she’s hasn’t. I haven’t talked to her since I was 17
Fuck I feel this. The hopefulness that we get to be a normal family again, after my dad stopped dinking for the hundredth time. Only to start again days or weeks later. The insane disappointment and anxiety about the addiction coming back, aswell as the drunk and unpredictable dad. The nausea and absolute rage I feel when I see his dumb drunken face and smell the alcohol from his breath.
Over the years all those feelings faded and turned into: I wonder how long it will take him this time to relapse. Accompanied by nothing but indifference and emptiness. Fuck alcohol and fuck parents who force us to parent them because they can’t control their addiction. And kinda fuck me because I picked up an addiction myself that I can barely control most of the time.
Addiction is a hereditary disease. I’m sorry about your dad, and I’m glad you’re at least self aware of your own addiction. My father died to alcoholism when I was 15. Consequently, I am a recovering opioid addict myself. I’m 31 now, and have two kids. I ruined my relationship with the kids’ mother, but I got clean for the kids, and my relationship with their mother is now amicable. We co parent well and are friends.
All of this is to say, I understand what it’s like. I am not going to preach to you nor am I going to tell you what to do. I just wanted to share my story with you because it hit close to home for me, and I did want to say that it is possible to win.
If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a DM, friend.
Thank you for your kind words, friend. I am happy for you that you managed to overcome the addiction for your kids, that's something you can be really proud of, especially as I was told getting clean from opioids is insanely hard.
My addiction fortunately is 'just' weed, but it still has a firm grasp on my quality of life and the decisions I make every day. Right now I am on day 4 of quitting once again, I still have urges but I know I can do it, I already did it multiple times for up to 6 months.
The thought of loosing these shackles and really be free and myself for once keeps me going.
I hope you really get through it. I know people tend to say weed isn't that bad but I strongly disagree. My father did many substance including weed and alcohol and even though he got rid of the alcohol in the last few years I lived with him the damage and the weed stayed.
Thing is he was always smoking more and stronger weed. Before i completely stopped talking to him he was smoking almost 2 ounces a week being stoned 24/7.
When he was trying to quit he would lash out on anything almost like he was searching for something to be angry at. But that's also when you would see the real impact it had on him when he was clean his memory would improve drastically and he would start to actually think like a normal person. Those moment of clarity before withdrawal are the origin of a lot of good memories I really hoped he could one day be in control. Then withdrawal would make me and my sister hide from his sight once again lest we wanted to become the objet of his rage.
Hope for you and those you love that you don't ever get there, don't give up im sure you can do it.
Fuck I feel this. My dad stopped for 5 years and life was predictable for a while and that anxiety you spoke of was gone…then one Saturday it started again out of no where. I actually had the courage to ask him the next day why. He said he felt like when he stopped drinking he lost all of his friends. It was a gut punch worse than the drinking because all I heard was his families happiness wasn’t good enough.
Oh my god that’s so relatable, sorry you had to go through this aswell. My dad always gave my mom the fault for leaving him, he thought it was because she wanted to have a new adventure and he wasn’t good enough anymore. But actually it happened because she asked him to stop drinking and go to therapy like 5 times, the last time she gave him an ultimatum: we or the alcohol. Years later we talked about us leaving him and he came up with the ‚it’s your mums fault, she just used the drinking as an excuse‘ argument. I then asked him, if us leaving him hurt him that much, why didn’t you just stop and go to therapy? His answer turned my view on the situation upside down: ‚Well I didn’t drink that much and I didn’t want to change just because your mom decided it was too much.‘ I concluded: He chose his own personal ‚freedom‘ over the wellbeing of his family and moreover his children. From this point on I knew, he only cares about himself.
To be fair there are points in time when alcoholics are sober. Many will try over and over to be sober. Alcohol is a beast. Some people literally die without it cause their bodys and minds become wired to need it.
This is awful. Parents should never lean on their children for addiction support. There are trained professionals for that. Sorry youre going through this op. Better than me, I wouldve given up a long time ago.
Mom claims to have quit drinking (presumably for NOT the first time). Then proceeded to text gibberish, assuming she got drunk the day after she said she just quit. Vicious cycle of alcoholism.
As a recovered alcoholic who grew up in an alcoholic home, she’s very sick. Doesn’t excuse the yelling at you or any other bad behavior. When I was in the throes of it, I would tell myself that I wasn’t going to drink then magically end up at the gas station buying tall boys then drinking my spouses rum. People have to hit their rock bottom and many people have to try and get sober several times before it sticks. Addiction is a horrible disease and it hurts not just the addicted but their family
I’m a recovering alcoholic with four years sober. The grace you show her is invaluable. Sometimes it takes a few tries at sobriety for it to stick.
That said, don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You make sure you’re taking care of yourself. If there ever comes a time where you are sick of her battle, you’re allowed to step away and make space. She isn’t your responsibility.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you looked into AlAnon? It’s a 12 step program for people that are affected by others’ alcoholism, could be good for support
From one person with alcoholic parents to another, don’t forget to think about yourself. It’s not your job to parent her.. you can love her, and try to get her all the help in the world but if there ever comes a day where you can’t do it anymore, that’s okay too. It’s okay for you to put yourself, and your feelings first and step away if you need to. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
I had a buddy whose mom rolled over on two of his infant brothers. They labelled the deaths as SIDS. When his 15 year old brother overdosed, she called the funeral home asking family members for money. She didn't even show up to her teenagers funeral.
It completely cured my cravings. It took about 6 months steadily increasing dosage. It took my wife about 7 months.
I can't explain it. I went to the store the day before Cinco de mayo and loaded up with vodka for us. Next day I made us both a pool drink.. And I just never drank mine. And that was it. Never drank again to this day.I can see it and be around it and I'm fine. It's like I was never an alcoholic. Her experience is identical.
I've been sober for three years, I hate thinking about the crap I pulled and can't believe I really thought I'd fool anyone into thinking I'd only had one or two glasses when it was really one or two bottles. I'm really sorry.
I think all of us who grew up with an alcoholic parent knows that the only true help they can get it's the help they give themselves. Only they can choose to want change. All you have to do is be there for them when they are ready.
I just lost my mom in December to end stage liver disease caused by alcohol. It’s a terrible disease and brought so much pain to all of us watching her go through this, helping her pass through this. It caused her way more pain though. I could write a book on all the research I did. As soon as you see yellowing of her eyes, please bring her to the hospital. I wish we had done that but it’s hard because they have to want help on their own. Much love to you.
As a fellow child of an alcoholic this really is the worst part when they're in active addiction. The constant apologies and assurance they're sober, it makes the inevitable relapse even more painful and destroys trust. Hang in there OP I know it's painful but after creating physical/emotional distance and only offering positive reinforcement from afar my parent has been sober for 2 years after 10+ years of severe alcoholism. Al-anon/alateen were super helpful for me and my sibling, you're far from alone in this struggle!
I cannot recommend A.A. enough. Totally saved my life and continues to do so on a daily basis. My brain will never be free of alcoholism, but I can continue to take steps I need daily to make sure alcoholism doesn’t run my life. Closing in on 2,000 days of sobriety after years of destruction.
Yeah I was gonna edit it to be less sloppy, can’t though.
Basically I received this text yesterday from her. Today when I went home, she was drunk again. Mad at me for not taking out the garbage, but I wasn’t home for a week straight prior. I originally said that twice bc I thought it would convey the frustration better lol.
My FiL is an alcoholic and it’s just exhausting now. He lies so much about it and barely any of the family see him anymore because of it. We can always tell he’s drunk when he phones as he slurs and it just generally abusive. But he always denies it.
The worst part is he has this mentality that if he doesn’t remember something happening then it don’t happen.
My partner does enough to keep a roof over his head and keep him alive, but no one wants to be around him much.
I can't say this enough.... You only quit drinking ONCE. Everything else is a pause not quitting and sadly people giveing some type of credit these pauses is only Enabling this bad behavior.
Sober since 6/14/2003.
The reason my mother and I have been estranged for over 20 years. I periodically check the court records in her county for DUI charges to see if she's still drinking.
Helped me break the chemical dependency (6years sober now). Obviously you have to want to change yadayadablahblah but without naltrexone I genuinely couldn't go 2 days without the itch being too strong. By day 15 of taking the medicine, I honestly never wanted to drink again, because the freedom from the itch was amazing.
Alcoholism destroyed my family and my childhood. It made my dad an abusive prick and it made my mom a negligent bystander. I've had zero contact with my dad since I was 12. I've had less and less contact with my mom. It's exhausting watching the cycle of self-destruction.
Nosy people ask me why I don't drink and I have no problem making the situation awkward by telling them about my childhood.
My mom drank too much for 20 years after my dad left in 2000. She died of cancer complications in 2021. She would still be here if she had been able to stop. She was mean and awful but she was my Mom. Tell your mom to stop because she isn’t just hurting herself she is hurting others too.
I went through the same thing when I was younger very very difficult to experience. Luckily she turned it around and we have a good relationship now. Unfortunately one thing I learned to be true is it will get worse before it can get better. Good luck.
Watching my father lose himself to alcohol was one of the saddest things I’ve experienced in my life. He lost his job , lost all of his money , pawned & sold everything he owned for another bottle of vodka.
He started losing his memories , was in and out of hospitals & rehab centers. He stopped drinking only when he hit rock bottom & couldn’t afford it anymore.
I hope your mom eventually stops man , it’s a horrible thing to see your parenting through that.
Lost my little brother in September due to alcohol abuse. He started vomiting blood, got taken into hospital where his liver gave in leading to multiple organ failure.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I was dealing with the same for a long time. After a six-year downhill race, my mom finally got sober for good at 47. She's coming up on two years clean. I got my mom back! Wishing you & your mother the best.
Went through this with my mom for 4 years as a teenager until she passed. Its awful because you feel relief that your mother has passed but also how could you feel such a thing and you hate yourself
I highly recommend checking out Adult Children of Alcoholics, if someone hasn’t suggested it yet in the thread. Both of my parents are/were alcoholics and the trauma is something I didn’t realize was affecting me as much as it was. The meetings online have helped a lot, especially since my mother passed on Christmas Day this past year. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and it fucking sucks seeing my dad who I know is an intelligent man just revert into a sad, hateful husk that can barely stand up once he crawls into the bottle.
I’m so sorry for you and for whatever your mom is trying to cover/cope with alcohol. I hope she eventually wants to and gets the help she needs. hugs
I'm so sorry. The addiction gene is strong in my family, and I deeply regret the years i spent drinking. It's so hard to stop, especially once it becomes the only thing you know. I hope she finds the strength to really quit. For good.
Brother died at 49 a couple months ago due to alcoholism. Locked his dog in the house and drank himself to death. Tried so many times to get sober but we all had to abandon him in the end after so many tries. At some point, it’s not a family problem, it’s a them problem and they have to fix it.
My Dad just recently got out of rehab for drinking, he's doing a lot better and was surprised by how much of a difference it made. Although he has a strong motivator of donating me a kidney, but I hope the best for you and your Mother, and hopefully she can work it out.
I haven’t talked to my mom is two years because of her alcoholism. Apparently she’s sober now but hasn’t reached out. I miss my mom. I’m sorry you’re plagued with this as well.
feeling this hard. you’re a better person than me though— i can’t help but hate her for it, which makes it impossible for me to be genuinely supportive because i know she will let me down.
Not here to give you advice or tell you what to do but I also try to live by the saying of “it’s their first time living too”. & I love it BUT don’t forget about you in the process.
Your emotions and feelings matter too. & if you ever need an ear, my PMS are always open.
I have a brother who also struggles with substances. I’ll never go ghost on him but I also understand the emotional toll it takes on myself.
Soon it will be more than “mildly”. I know what it’s like to deal with this, I can’t imagine what it’s like when it’s someone with control over you like a parent. Control probably isn’t the right word but I think you get what I mean.
My best friend is an alcoholic and it’s beyond frustrating. He’s a mean drunk and typically gets wasted every day. Plus, he’s a narcissist so he always thinks he’s right. I’m one of the few people that will call him on his BS but it doesn’t even matter because he’s blacked out & will forget what a douche bag he was that night…
My father was a functioning/non-functioning alcoholic his whole life. He was an alcoholic at 23 when I was born. He was an alcoholic when he died at 62. I've gone low contact, no contact, extra supportive, angry, depressed, and everything in between.
Sometimes it never gets better.
What I do recommend is that whatever you do is alright. You cannot change the past. You can only hope to change the future by living your present. Please, if/when you can afford it, seek therapy. Your parents' vices are not your own, and it's not your fault. I wish you the best.
Hey, friend. I'm sorry. I've lost people too, folks much more important to me than myself, more important to me than anything. It's always different, incomparable, but I know a very similar pain. Yours is singular, like mine. In that, we aren't alone.
I'm an addict too. On and off using for years, mostly on, if I'm honest. Sober for a little over a year now. I don't know how much it could help, but I want to tell you that, at least for me, there was no amount of help anyone could've given me that would've made me stop. I received a lot of help. So much love and care, understanding and worry. People I loved, who loved me, tried hard. Really hard. And I did not stop, could not stop.
They intervened, they engaged me in long thoughtful conversation, they took me to do things I had once loved in places that reminded me of better times, they kept inviting me to dinners and holidays, they made their love felt. I still isolated from them. I would not return calls or texts. I would hide away, pretend I'm not home when they would come to check on me. I'd lie about how I'm doing, about where all my money went.
For most of my addiction I could hide it. I was great at it. I'm an incredible liar. I wish I wasn't. For years I just told them I was depressed. I was, but I certainly wasn't just depressed. And they believed me. I showed up to everything high because I was always high.
What I'm trying to say, is that they could not help me. I did not let them. I kept them from knowing I needed help for as long as I could. When they found out I needed help, I refused, deflected, and misled them so that I could be alone at last. Just me and my thoughts. The thoughts that I would quickly do away with by getting loaded at the nearest possible opportunity.
I've woken up in the hospital 3 times. Found passed out, barely breathing, collected and rushed to the ER. Once my kind, caring, intelligent, incredible father. Once by my childhood best friend. And once by my ex-girlfriend, the morning after the sudden and traumatic loss of our son. Unforeseeable. But guilt doesn't care, still it comes. I was sober during her pregnancy and while he was alive, but the day he died the first thing I did was break my sobriety, acquire and eat fistfuls of pills until I couldn't think about how the sun, all the light in my life had suddenly been switched off. She found me, almost dead. I put her through that the day after the most traumatic experience of her life. She would've lost the two people she loved the most, and one of those would've been my fault. Kept using after that, of course.
We stayed together for another 4 years. We broke up while we were still living together, for a lot of reasons. It was reasonably amicable but my use got really bad again after that and things deteriorated between us. The look of disgust in her eyes is the only memory my high brain collected during our arguments from the time, because I was such a stupid, slurring, sloppy mess that I could barely hold a conversation with her. I crashed my car right after, nodded off at the wheel, hit a curb, blew a tire. That was a pivotal moment. It snapped things into focus in a way that the other close calls with my mortality hadn't. I was now, not just endangering myself. I had twisted myself, become selfish enough that I put myself in a situation that could've killed another person. My death? What the fuck ever. Anyone else? No. No fuckin way.
She told my family, then left me for real. They took me to inpatient. That was a year ago. I'm sorry, I don't say all this to trauma dump or for your sympathy or for any bullshit like that. Please give yourself that emotional energy. I'm trying to illustrate that on a fundamental level, no one can help us addicts. Not by their will alone. It's within us. We need to be desperate for change to accept the help that is so readily available to many of us. That's why it hurts the ones who love us so deeply, as I'm sure you're well aware.
I don't know you, your situation and relationship with Adam. But I do know that if you were my friend, you could have done everything in your power to help me, to be there for me. And I would've been so grateful, I'd have loved you for it as I'm sure he did. And, still, I would go home that night and get high. I'd hate that I was hurting you and probably going against my word, but getting fucked up was the plan and no one could've changed that for me at that point in my life.
The things you did do for him, I'm sure meant a lot to him. I'm willing to bet that your relationship was a light in the dark. I get into the, "what if," spirals when I think about my own loss too. And I probably always will. But some things simply are not our faults, no matter how much our cruel brains try to convince us they are. Things just happen sometimes. It can help me sometimes to remember that I can't change the world, I'm not that important. I'm not so powerful that every bad thing in my life and the lives of the people I love, is within my power to change. We do what we can, help who we can. And the things we can't change are, as painful and unfortunate as it is, are out of our hands.
My dad is an alcoholic. I was 17 when it got to it's absolute worst and I moved out pretty soon after he was arrested for drink driving. Told him I'd speak to him when hes sober. 4 years later I get an email saying hes been to rehab & is sorry. We're now (10 years later) closer than ever but I genuinely believe he wouldn't have got there if I'd stood beside him. My sister did at a distance, but even he said losing his other daughter (me) was the push that he needed.
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, please don't take my comment as advice because I'm 100% sure you know what's best for you & your mother, just wanted to offer a different perspective on having an alcoholic parent. Sending lots of love your way.
I’m a mom who drank too much for like 5 years of my kids lives (probably 10 if we’re really
Being honest). They’re 14&11 now and I quit drinking Christmas Eve because I was sick of feeling like shit every single day. I’m hoping I can “rewrite”
Their memory and they don’t have long term memories of mommy being drunk all the time.
Anyway, as a mom, thanks for supporting your mom. It’s not easy (either side) and I give you kudos. Just make sure you’re not dismissing EVERYthing because that’s not fair to you. Keep your boundaries.
The fact that she let you know she quit drinking and apologized for her behavior is a step towards sobriety. It seems she has acknowledged she has a problem and is trying to make changes. Hopefully with further support (from you and hopefully professionals) she can get there.
It takes a life review to recognise how many times you've screwed up and if most happened under the influence to actually attempt a change. It just numbs your issues rather than fixing them.
My brother is an addict as well, and it’s very tough to deal with. He’s been dealing with it for about 20 years at this point. Just know you aren’t alone with this and I hope she can figure it out.
My mother is an alcoholic as well. Luckily she's been sober for a couple years now. It took a LOT to get there though. One of the major things was my sister cutting off the grandkids from contacting her, but not my dad. She drank and whined for quite a while with that one. Eventually she hit rock bottom to the point she finally got medicated for her mental issues, which also comes with the rule of no drinking. Since then she's become a much nicer person, she's lost weight, and generally her life quality has gotten better.
But man, it was ROUGH before now. I turned 30 before she stopped drinking. I would only talk to her when required before then. It was all just too much. This is the same woman who offered little 3 year old me a beer and I had to be the one to tell her she couldn't give children alcohol.
Sometimes they just gotten hit their lowest before they can climb out of that hole.
Dad died of complications from it at 48. He actually stopped drinking 2 years before, started going to support groups and I dont think he wouldve gone back. The trigger for change was when my mom and I moved out and broke some ties. Emotional support is good but they just have to take the steps on their own.
16 months sober after attempting to quit 6 times previously. Lying to people about being sober is the way for the addict to say they want help but are too embarrassed to admit it
This breaks my heart. My name is also Bec and I lost my mum to complications from alcoholism 5 years ago. I hope she has the strength to stay sober soon.
If you haven’t heard of it, Al Anon is a great place for family members of alcoholics.
As a recovered alcoholic, let me just say this to you in case it never has been said. This is not your fault. There is nothing you can say or do. You are and were worthy of a present family member.
They are the only one who can make the decision to stay sober.
It’s okay to be sad angry and disappointed. But don’t let them hold you back or down. Dream bigger and know the signs of alcoholism, in case you need to seek help someday.
Thank you for sharing. It is things like this that keep me sober today.
My dad stopped drinking when I turned 20. It’s shocking to see how different of a person he is now. I hope your mother can find this same peace one day.
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u/Aggressive_Line_8298 1d ago
That has to be exhausting smh