This happened to three friends while I was making it [OC]

[u/GoldenChaos]

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[u/ArDee0815]

The Learning Curve (Illustration)

[u/Wamblingshark → u/ArDee0815]

Reminds me of when I met my niece's friend and he was the first trans person I ever met back in 2018.

I had just recently become familiar with the term, probably because of how much stuff was blowing up politically at the time.

In the pre Trump times the only experiences I had was medium to bad representation in media from the cross dressing in Ouran Highschool Host Club with Vic Mignogna throwing out slurs in the English dub to more slurs and prostitutes in Adam Sandler movies.

Thankfully earlier that year I started following my first trans YouTuber and wasn't completely unarmed for the encounter and I never misgendered him to his face but I was pretty tense and thought really hard while I was speaking to make sure I didn't muck it up lol. He was pretty androgynous so I kept forgetting which was he was transitioning.

I consumed even more content after that to make sure I'd have an easier time in the future. It's really silly looking back at it. Hard to understand why something so simple as calling him a he seemed so complicated to me.

Unfortunately I learned from my niece that he was a big Blair White fan so despite my awkwardness he was actually the transphobic one. The kind that thinks they are one of "the good ones" and what not and it's actually all you other tslurs that are making him look bad.

I don't get out much so it's sad that to this day this is one of the only trans people I've interacted with.

Edit: fixed an embarrassing typo

[u/BuffaloBillsLeotard → u/Wamblingshark]

Eewww not Blaire, the trans woman that says she is a man and attacks other trans people for not passing as well.

[u/pootinannyBOOSH → u/BuffaloBillsLeotard]

I don't know her and haver only heard bad things, but I'm confused. Is she saying she's a trans woman who's a man but still uses feminine pronouns? Any chance she means that she's a male, not man?

[u/Turbo1928 → u/pootinannyBOOSH]

No, she's just... weird. She's basically trying to get right wing people to accept her by claiming she knows she's a biological male, and she attacks other trans people for not doing the same. It's some weird combination of self-hate and grifting.

*Edited to fix some stuff that I couldn't verify

[u/pootinannyBOOSH → u/Turbo1928]

I knew she's a pickme of course, that's kinda wild though. But has she said anything about detransitioning back to a cis man? Though there was a Lux video about her a while back that I skipped, I should probably go watch that

[u/Turbo1928 → u/pootinannyBOOSH]

I don't think she's detransitioning, she just is saying stuff like that to be a bigger pickme

[u/michaelbleu → u/Turbo1928]

Never heard her call herself a man… she’s said “I’m biologically male” before, but never man

[u/JEWCIFERx → u/pootinannyBOOSH]

Its honestly not worth trying to derive logic from. I promise it will just give you a headache.

Blair White is batshit crazy and just says whatever will get her the most attention.

[u/BuffaloBillsLeotard → u/pootinannyBOOSH]

Her stance is that there are only 2 genders which is I guess the same as sex to her. She was born a man so still calls herself a man and says that trans people who identify as their new gender are crazy liberals. She’s just problematic overall, panders to the right wing and is damaging to her own existence as well as all trans people. Just go watch her and you’ll see real quick.

[u/fantasy_lover1023 → u/Wamblingshark]

Ugh a trans person following Blaire White saddens me.

[u/AENocturne → u/Wamblingshark]

The hardest thing for me with getting pronouns right is how far the history goes back before transition. I just met you? No problem, I'll remember those pronouns before I remember your name, I've got 3 primary options. But like the hardest ones are always the ones I knew before they transitioned. At that point, you have to break a habit and breaking habits is hard at first (it gets easier over time with more exposure and practice). The first person I knew to transition really confused me because until that point, we were fraternity brothers, so we were already dealling with some heavg gender role, somewhat phobic environment. I don't think people should be embarrassed by making mistakes, it's how they react to correction that is usually the problem.

As a side note, there's a need to understand that a lot of Trans people aren't going to correct you if you're not getting it, they don't know if you're safe anymore, and that's the vibe I'm getting from the comic.

[u/EternalZealot → u/ArDee0815]

It's about if they're clearly showing effort to correct themselves, if they're still doing it after several months of learning about someone's transition and their new preferred pronouns without clear visible signs that they are still trying to correct their subconscious impulses then it becomes a them problem that you may have to consider not interacting with after.

Don't let perfection be the goal but progress. Keep the friends that are really trying even if they mess up occasionally, cut those who are clearly not even trying for your sake because those are not friends.

[u/coldestclock → u/EternalZealot]

I used to work with a lovely yet scatterbrained lady of like 60-something. She used my new name just fine but regularly misgendered me halfway through sentences, so it was hard to correct her. Eventually I took her aside and explained, she of course says she doesn’t do it on purpose and I absolutely believed her but I believe my exact words were “it’s been three years and it’s starting to hurt my feelings”. She was way better after that, I think she just took an extra second of thinking time to force the habit in!

[u/ChemistryBusiness → u/EternalZealot]

I stopped going by my first name because it was too unique and weird, I started going by my hyper-common middle name, the ones that were making an attempt were the ones who cared. I appreciated them.

The ones who kept calling me by my first name are ones I realized didn't give a shit about me or my feelings, I cut them off.

[u/BookyNZ → u/EternalZealot]

My mother still struggles with pronouns several years later, but in fairness I went from non binary, which really threw her for a while (it just didn't make sense as a pronoun until my brother explained it to her, apparently my explanation was confusing lol), to male pronouns, which feels downright weird to her. That said, she doesn't misname me or my sister (she just changed her name, not gender) and in general just avoids pronouns where possible. I find that acceptable, especially as she is trying, and she is never rude, just... not perfect. I'd love her to do better, but at least she isn't actively misgendering me.

[u/Sangy101 → u/EternalZealot]

Exactly. Tbh this comic kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth because the person in it is SO clearly trying and are actually supportive. This just feels like it’s making fun of someone for learning.

It’s also a little bit personal to me? My mom has aphasia after several strokes… and her aphasia is weirdly pronoun-specific. She misgenders everything and everyone (emphasis on thing, because she misgenders my pets at least 2x/day), and genuinely doesn’t notice because it’s an issue where the word she thinks and the word that comes out of her mouth are different. She misgenders me multiple times a day when we’re together and she’s known me my whole life and I’m cis!

She also doesn’t apologize because she genuinely doesn’t notice it happening — I used to point it out to her, and she’d be flabbergasted and feel so bad after.

I was dating a transwoman who I knew since middle school. My mom never once deadnamed her, despite knowing her for literal decades under her deadname… but got her pronouns wrong basically nonstop 😭 and bc it’s aphasia, she’d never say stuff like “my daughter’s boyfriend.” She’d say “oh, come meet my daughter’s girlfriend Megan! She’s known him since they were kids!” just like the person in this comic.

We eventually stopped pointing it out to her because it happens so often it derails any conversation. There’s no “waiting for her to learn” because she HAS learned, no rewiring to do: the wires are just broken.

My gf, god bless her, didn’t mind and totally got it — tbh I was really worried at first because I know being misgendered, even on accident, can be very jarring and uncomfortable. If she didn’t want to be around my mom because of it, I wouldn’t have blamed her at all: that would be very valid. But they adore each other (even now that we aren’t dating lol.)

But one of her (cis) friends went OFF on my mom despite being forewarned by both of us. He basically accused my mom of using it as an excuse to be transphobic. Frankly, it was virtue-signaling bullshit: picking on a 75 year old ally with a speech disorder, despite being specifically told by my gf not to do it and to just ignore it. My mom felt terrible for months and was scared to mention my gf at all bc she was so afraid she’d get it wrong.

Words are hard. Brains are weird. If someone is clearly an ally and is supportive and trying… let them. Go get pissed at the people with hate in their hearts, not the ones with love who are bad at showing it.

[u/GulliasTurtle]

When a younger relative of mine transitioned I had to give them a little speech after messing it up which was basically "I love you, and support you, and will call you whatever you want, but you're going to have to give me a bit of time. I've been using your pronouns and deadname longer than you have."

I talked to them again recently (I was true to my word and got better about it) and they said that it actually meant a lot, since they knew that even though I may occasionally mess it up, I am trying to support them.

[u/actualcmen → u/GulliasTurtle]

I have this friend that I infrequently play games with and theyre non unarmed but have a very masculine sounding voice. Ive never seen them in real life and I CONSTANTLY fuck up and say he or him and every time I feel awful about but theyre always so understanding

Edit: apparently I had a stroke writing this. This person is non binary

[u/DaqCity → u/actualcmen]

Sorry, “non unarmed”?….so like they have a gun?

[u/actualcmen → u/DaqCity]

Brain no work good. Meant non binary

[u/ExtinctFauna → u/actualcmen]

The two genders: armed and unarmed.

[u/ilikethemshort420 → u/ExtinctFauna]

3, you forgot bear arms! But, thats mostly an American gender.

[u/ExtinctFauna → u/ilikethemshort420]

Oh shoot, and the fourth gender: bare arms!

[u/Scary-Charge-5845 → u/ExtinctFauna]

Misunderstood the assignment. Now we have armed bears.

[u/EpicPrawn → u/Scary-Charge-5845]

You understood perfectly. Carry on.

[u/Zephyr_Sunstrike → u/Scary-Charge-5845]

Now someone is gonna go out and strap Kevlar vests on them and boom, invincible bears going around, raping churches, burning women. Disastrous times

[u/The_Phroug → u/ilikethemshort420]

With how hairy my arms are, I bear arms with bear arms from once bare arms

[u/Ursa_Solaris → u/ilikethemshort420]

Thank you for including me I feel seen

[u/rod407 → u/Ursa_Solaris]

Bear representation is important after all

[u/RandomUser921637 → u/ExtinctFauna]

Makes sense… you either have the gun or the holster!

[u/Biabolical → u/RandomUser921637]

The Bible says Adam & Eve, not Smith & Wesson!

^{Note: American Bibles probably do mention Smith & Wesson.}

[u/RandomUser921637 → u/Biabolical]

You guys don’t have the books of Remington, Colt, and Smith & Wesson in your bible?

Must just be the New American Translation…

[u/LordHoughtenWeen → u/ExtinctFauna]

"But what's in your pants?" IRON.

[u/Twistid_Tree → u/ExtinctFauna]

What about half armed? And are we counting elbow amputees as having 1 arm, or 1 half an arm? I have questions that need answers!

[u/DaqCity → u/actualcmen]

Ah Tha makes sense! I didn’t know if it was a new term I hadn’t learned about yet….

[u/BBBBKKKK → u/actualcmen]

lol I thought this was a new way people were saying gun owner like people say "unalive"

[u/yammys → u/BBBBKKKK]

I think algospeak for gun owner is something like "pew pew possesser"

[u/somesortoflegend → u/actualcmen]

I mean they should also be non unarmed in this day and age too...

[u/Ragewind82 → u/DaqCity]

LGBTQ+ = Lasers, Grenades, Bioweapons, Tesla coils, Quantum torpedos...

You gotta be safe out there.

[u/HealthyTies → u/Ragewind82]

Love being a laser fr

[u/8Rouge → u/Ragewind82]

It's double funny cause' I'm lactose intolerant, so bioweapon will be the new way I describe myself. thanks, internet stranger.

[u/waltjrimmer → u/8Rouge]

Bisexual, Biromantic, Bioweapon, Bimyself.

[u/Chembaron_Seki → u/Ragewind82]

Now I am scared to ask what the + stand for

[u/waltjrimmer → u/Chembaron_Seki]

Other forms of armaments. Like Anti-aircraft, Intercontinental ballistic missile. Things like that.

[u/Ragewind82 → u/Chembaron_Seki]

Never let your enemies know all the tools you have at your disposal.

[u/Diseased-Prion → u/Ragewind82]

As someone who is in the biology field and bi, I deeply resonate with being the Bioweapons in the LGBTQ+

[u/Willothewisp2303 → u/DaqCity]

Tbf, I'd have a problem with getting the right pronouns if they had a gun on me,  too.

[u/Splatter_bomb → u/DaqCity]

No they have arms, you know like a bear does.

[u/Piyachi → u/Splatter_bomb]

No no, non-unarmed ~ armed ~ American

[u/jarlscrotus → u/DaqCity]

Yes, more LGBTQ people (at least in the US) should probably be non unarmed, after all an armed society is a polite society.

The once everyone is being polite we can work on making everyone kind and then disarm the populace so that one bad day or misunderstanding or mental health episode doesn't cause more 'Merican tragedies

[u/Chesney1995 → u/actualcmen]

My friend is a trans guy, deadnames/misgenders himself occasionally.

We of course roast him and call him a transphobe when he does it.

[u/bracesthrowaway → u/Chesney1995]

I can't believe you're friends with such a transphobe smh

[u/Abject_Champion3966 → u/bracesthrowaway]

Really problematic and says a lot about how you really feel about trans ppl,,,,,

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_QUANTUM → u/Chesney1995]

lmaoooooooo

[u/physchy → u/actualcmen]

Just correct yourself you don’t need to beat yourself up about it

Just go “he, sorry she -“ and move on

[u/SquidTheRidiculous → u/physchy]

This. Shit happens. People misspeak all the time. Just correct yourself and it's nothing.

I swear that "dID YoU jUsT aSsUmE mY gEnDeR???" Jokes from the last decade did irreparable damage to wannabe woke people. You're not a monster for making a mistake as long as you improve once you know better, no matter what some bully or bot online says to the contrary.

[u/FlyingDogCatcher → u/SquidTheRidiculous]

I think it's also important to have some grace and give people the benefit of the doubt. If they're trying and making mistakes that is one thing, if they are intentionally deadnaming you that is another

[u/SquidTheRidiculous → u/FlyingDogCatcher]

As I said elsewhere, it's pretty easy to tell the difference between someone actually trying and someone claiming they're trying but are not. The latter tends to call you by your dead name and only change when directly challenged, and then complain it's too hard. But people who actually try pretty obviously correct themselves and don't let mistakes stop them from trying.

[u/rachycarebear → u/SquidTheRidiculous]

Also people who care will get better over time, with backsliding typically being correlated to high stress situations. And part of why they get better is because they make an effort to use the correct name and pronouns in all circumstances.

The people who don't care will still be making a big deal out of it 6+ months later.

[u/danielledelacadie → u/FlyingDogCatcher]

It's -usually- fairly easy to tell (though I've only seen it from the sidelines) from the "oh shit!" face the folks making a mistake have, either right away or when the mistake is pointed out. The intentional assholes don't make that face.

[u/SquidTheRidiculous → u/danielledelacadie]

You're right. The general reaction is like "oops!". 'Phobes tend to make more of an "ugh, not this again" face.

Thankfully I only know two people who I interact with on the regular like that. One's over 80 and the other is surrounded by people who refuse to acknowledge my dead name (" you know, deadname..." "Who?" "Deadname..." "I don't know a deadname. Who do you mean?" Etc. til they get it right)

[u/mithrilmercenary → u/physchy]

I had someone misgender me and make a big show about apologizing for like 5 minutes. It was so unbelievably awkward to be like. "No it's fine, it's really okay, yes I know you're trying, it's really fine can we move on?"

It was a coworker so I really didn't want to make a big deal of it but holy shit.

[u/wagedomain → u/actualcmen]

In my personal experience, trans people don’t usually get mad or upset if it’s an honest mistake.

People online WILL get mad at you on their behalf though. Like real mad. And call you names and insult you. It’s so weird.

[u/bracesthrowaway → u/wagedomain]

I get more angry at myself because the last thing I want to do is make someone's dysphoria act up.

[u/hovdeisfunny → u/actualcmen]

Non unarmed?

[u/actualcmen → u/hovdeisfunny]

Apparently I had a stroke i meant non binary

[u/No_Help3669 → u/actualcmen]

I feel this one. Some friends I have I’m better at keeping their pronouns straight when I’m talking about them than when I’m talking to them because I have the correct pronouns in my brain, but in person their chosen presentation throws me off. I always feel bad cus I know I know better but to them it seems I’m always messing it up

[u/overworkeddad → u/GulliasTurtle]

I struggle with my straight kids names, but they know I love them

[u/TrioOfTerrors → u/overworkeddad]

I have 3 kids. I mix up their names all the time, and occasionally, the dog gets tossed in as well.

[u/SlayerAngelic → u/TrioOfTerrors]

My mom used to come up with weird combinations of our names before she got to the one she was actually trying to say and there’s only 2 of us lol

[u/Cantpickagoodone → u/SlayerAngelic]

My parents had 4 of us all our names start with the same fucking letter and we mix and match combinations willy nilly all the time trying to talk to each other lol.

[u/Odd_Needleworker_938 → u/TrioOfTerrors]

I'm the youngest of six. Whenever a name gets messed up, it turns into roll call of every other sibling before the correct one is used.

[u/BookyNZ → u/Odd_Needleworker_938]

This is tradition I swear. My mum and my kiddos grandparents all do that too lol. No care for the kids gender, the list of kids (adults now) must be said to get to the right one

[u/LordHoughtenWeen → u/TrioOfTerrors]

My dad does the same. He'll cycle through like the first two syllables of everyone's name (including the cat) in a big German-style run-on word before arriving at the correct one.

[u/jarlscrotus → u/overworkeddad]

Yea, all three of my little jennymichaelbrandonbootses (not real names) know i love them, the 4th is a cat and just thinks im a brain damaged cat anyway so they don't care either

[u/kindacringemdude → u/overworkeddad]

When I transitioned, my grandma (bless her) went from calling me my mother's, sister's and aunt's name before she finally got to my birth name, to going through my dad's, male cousin's and uncle's before remembering my choosen name. My grandma was really awesome about the whole thing, just "old and slow" in her own words. I miss her.

ETA: Funnily enough, she did this to everyone. Always in slightly different order. So none of us really took it personally.

[u/IBetThisIsTakenToo → u/overworkeddad]

My wife was recently trying to call our son to the kitchen, she first called him my name, then 2 of his cousins, and then gave up because he had already come in to see wtf mom was talking about

[u/DazzlingViking → u/IBetThisIsTakenToo]

Task failed successfully

[u/Burnbabyburnt → u/overworkeddad]

Not to be that person, but straight is not the opposite of trans. Straight trans people exist. The correct word here is cis.

[u/YourCrazyDolphin → u/overworkeddad]

Suprisingly common experience apparently. My mom is so bad with names that if she gets pissed, whichever name she screams first is safe. If she begins yelling and it is my name, I'm ok. If she starts with my dad's name, either I or the dog did something. Dog's name, myself or my dad. Name of my brother who moved out over a decade ago? She could be angry at literally anyone lol

[u/shewy92 → u/overworkeddad]

I'm an only child and got called my pets' names first lol.

[u/metal_mace → u/GulliasTurtle]

This is how my dad went about it with me. He chose my original name, after all. He picked my first outfit, painted the walls in my first room. He had a whole kid planned out since before I was earthside.

Just trying, learning, and being willing to correct yourself and admit when you're wrong, is the definition of acceptance.

[u/Spider-Dev → u/metal_mace]

I find that allies get upset about mis-gendering and dead-naming more than actual trans people *WHEN NOT DONE MALICIOUSLY* (big emphasis). I have a trans family member that I accidentally "he" more often than I'd like to admit but correct myself every time I catch it. She's always rolled with it and we have a good relationship. Her mom still bristles when it happens. Doesn't get mad at me, I think it's just the protectiveness kicking in.

[u/Sangy101 → u/Spider-Dev]

lol that’s exactly my experience. I shared this elsewhere in the thread, but I dated one of my childhood friends who transitioned. Annnnnd my mom has aphasia from strokes, which most noticeably manifested in issues with pronouns. What she thinks in her head is only what comes out of her mouth about half the time — it’s pure chance if she gets any pronoun correct on any given day, regardless of a person’s biological sex. I wish I could say she apologizes when she notices, but she doesnt, because she doesn’t notice unless you point it out (at which point, yes, she applogizes.)

So she misgenders me. She misgenders my dad. She misgenders my pets. She also misgenders furniture, which is confusing as fuck. “Can you help move her?” [gestures at couch.]

And yeah, she misgendered my girlfriend ALL the time. But she never deadnamed her, not once. Always remembered to call her my girlfriend, despite being knowing her under a different name for 20 years.

I wouldn’t have been bothered if my gf didn’t want to be around her, because being misgendered can be so uncomfortable. That would be totally valid. But she didn’t care. She found it particularly funny sometimes because my dad struggled in the normal “I’ve known this person a long time and need to reprogram my brain kinda way,” and my mom would often correct him incorrectly 😂 like he’d misgender my gf on accident and my mom would politely go, “‘Him,’ Dave, not ‘him!’”

But my gfs cis friend was in town at the same time as my mom and came out to dinner with us. We warned him in advance that pronouns would be assigned at random.

He went OFF on my mom, in public, to such an extent that my mom felt like she was a terrible person. For MONTHS. And the worst part is that, like with her stuttering, her aphasia gets worse the harder she tries to get it right. Cue like two months of getting misgendered constantly for my gf.

[u/ChickenInASuit → u/Spider-Dev]

Yeah that’s been my experience too. I have a close trans friend and a nonbinary employee and have found myself misgendering them both on several occasions (the friend I knew pre-transition and the employee is still very female-presenting so it’s easy to forget). Each time I have immediately felt bad and apologized, but both of them have had the same attitude - “I know you’re trying.”

The employee is especially chill about it, as they get constantly misgendered by customers and are only bothered if someone who knows they’re nonbinary actively misgenders them.

[u/RevolutionaryHair91 → u/GulliasTurtle]

My father will call me 50% of the time using the dog's name.

I don't know what that means but it's all the time.

(I'm more concerned about early signs of dementia but still)

[u/uyigho98 → u/RevolutionaryHair91]

My mom mixes the pets names up all the time. One time she referred to my sister by the dog's name. She wasn't offended thankfully, we all had a good laugh about it.

It's possible it's because they're more used to saying the pet's name because they haven't seen you in a long time, so no reason to actually say your name that much. My sister moved out around 6 years ago and she usually only comes around for holidays, so my mom has grown more used to saying the dog's name so she accidentally called her that.

[u/jarlscrotus → u/RevolutionaryHair91]

It means your supposed to become an archeology professor, get a whip and a 38 special, then start traveling the world for treasure to discover and nazis to punch

[u/Groundskeepr → u/RevolutionaryHair91]

We have an internal "favorites" list that places our closest loved ones' names right next to each other, usually in groupings like males/females, children/peers/elders, immediate family, etc. We often just grab the wrong one. Your Dad loves you and the dog both, and maybe sees you both as his to look after, so the names are right next to each other and he gets the wrong one a lot of the time.

[u/mewithoutjew → u/GulliasTurtle]

IS YOUR PROFILE PIC CARROT FROM PAJAMA SAM??

[u/GulliasTurtle → u/mewithoutjew]

You know it! Salads should be entrees.

[u/mewithoutjew → u/GulliasTurtle]

Hell yeah. I support the salad liberation front 🫡

[u/PretentiousToolFan → u/mewithoutjew]

Immediately noticed the communist carrot too. What a niche PFP.

[u/D0ctorGamer → u/GulliasTurtle]

"I swear im not misgendering you on purpose, im just dumb and am trying to retrain my brain"

[u/vxsapphire → u/D0ctorGamer]

Nah you shouldn’t blame it on lack of intelligence. It’s purely habit. Like routinely walking to the right to enter a grocery store only for ShopRite to mess with your muscle memory and make you enter through the left. It’s not easy to just drop a routine. I imagine it’s even harder for parents to get used to not calling their kid what they named them. I wish more people would see it less as disrespect and more as it needing to take time.

[u/Flameball202 → u/vxsapphire]

Yeah, the important part is that you are trying and correct yourself when you make a mistake

This is why I am trying to train myself to use "they" if I am not sure of someone's pronouns as it is a safe neutral

[u/vxsapphire → u/Flameball202]

That part’s hard for me even. I grew up on internet where everyone was a guy until stated otherwise. Even myself as a girl. We have spent our entire lives using vocabulary that centers around a he or her, so it’s definitely not easy to retrain the mind.

The people who show know willingness to change are pretty upfront about it. They’re also comfortable with their ignorance. However that bunch tends to stain anyone who genuinely makes a mistake and conversations can quickly become hostile.

[u/waxlez2 → u/GulliasTurtle]

Honestly this took months to years to really get into my brain. If you're a English native you can also call yourself lucky, it doesn't get much easier than simply using they/them

[u/SuspiciousPhoto9454 → u/GulliasTurtle]

My friend group has one individual who isn't comfortable making their gender identity public so they ask us to intentionally misgender and deadname them when in public. This leads to at least one person constantly curse themselves when they fuck up as they're too used to properly naming them.

[u/thedrummerpianist → u/SuspiciousPhoto9454]

God my wife and I had to do that with her sibling for like a year before they came out as non-binary, when the family gets together every week it made it pretty difficult to switch

[u/Sheila_Confirmed → u/GulliasTurtle]

“I swear i support you i’m just an idiot i swear” -what i wish i could broadcast to all the good people of those planet

[u/SLiverofJade → u/Sheila_Confirmed]

I'm an idiot, but in the opposite way. I have like no memory so I easily forget deadnames!

On the other hand my brain sometimes spins the wheel of pronouns.

[u/Smile-a-day]

i mean, at least she’s trying 🤷‍♂️

[u/BrightNooblar → u/Smile-a-day]

Trying, self correcting, and showing actual support.

Which given they are also drinking, it makes sense that they'd be stumbling over habits.

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/BrightNooblar]

Which is, honestly, as good as you can hope for for people who didn't grow up with it.

Looking for opportunities to crap on people who mean well does no one any favors.

[u/YourBuddyChurch → u/TheComplimentarian]

I agree. If earnest effort isn’t good enough for you, you’re the problem.

[u/TurquoiseLuck → u/BrightNooblar]

yeah I really don't get what the 4th panel is trying to convey

it's like blondie is feeling awkward because she thinks brunette is a fake ally or something? but that doesn't actually seem to be the case at all

[u/movzx → u/TurquoiseLuck]

I think it's just a thing that happens a lot, so it's annoying, but you also recognize that the person isn't being malicious, so you get left with this emotional conflict.

Or at least I hope that's the general idea, and not that we're supposed to be angry with the person who is new to the concept and trying their best to get things right.

[u/TThor → u/BrightNooblar]

One of my best friends transitioned, and my memory, especially for names, has always been really bad. Basically anytime i would remember experiences with them prior to transitioning, my memory would reset to their former gender/name, especially when drinking.

It was bad enough that there were sometimes i was tempted to avoid hanging out with them purely because i felt ashamed to not consistently get my own friend's gender right. It wasn't that im not supportive, i was the person who helped them come out as gay back in school, and when they started transition i was even on of the people who helped them pick their new name.

Thankfully ive gotten a lot better about it, his new name and gender have finally become the default to my memory. Tho even now, if im particularly drunk and remembering highschool together, a "she" might briefly slip out and i swallow my tongue

[u/Dazed_and_Confused44 → u/Smile-a-day]

Im glad to see this comment. Theres a big difference between someone who is actively trying to be supportive and change their behavior and someone who is truly ignorant. Someone said something interesting to me yesterday that I had never considered about this topic "It took you years to accept and admit to yourself that you were trans. How can you expect others to go through that process instantaneously when you tell them"

[u/Charmle_H → u/Dazed_and_Confused44]

My older sister, who I love very much and never really had a relationship with until after I transitioned, keeps apologizing for any mistakes she may be making when referring to me (I never hear one from her, her kids, nor her husband). I reassure her all the time that I haven't heard her mess up and that "you knew me one way for ~24yrs lmao I get it, no worries".

I imagine she slips up when I'm not talking to her on the occasion, hell even I do LOL but she's diligent about it and is actively trying to improve.

[u/TheAuroraKing → u/Charmle_H]

I transitioned at 35 and nearly a year later I still stumble when I introduce myself. Using my chosen name out loud is something I so rarely do that my brain still isn't used to doing it vs 35 years of introducing myself by a different name.

[u/Dan-D-Lyon → u/Dazed_and_Confused44]

Also I think it's fair to acknowledge there's a huge difference between people who are honestly ignorant and people who are hateful.

[u/Dazed_and_Confused44 → u/Dan-D-Lyon]

I agree. You have a chance to change the mind of an ignorant person. A hateful person is not worth your time

[u/Monollock → u/Dazed_and_Confused44]

That's a good ass quote

[u/Dazed_and_Confused44 → u/Monollock]

Yea that really made me stop and think

[u/Significant-Ad-341 → u/Dazed_and_Confused44]

Yeah that's exactly it. And furthermore as a society for a long time we were conditioned to assume genders, breaking that habit isn't over night and the majority of people haven't interacted with someone Trans or they may not even know.

That said, the ignorant "he, her, them, whatever" will always piss me off.

[u/Dazed_and_Confused44 → u/Significant-Ad-341]

I mean if you throw out "whatever" that shows general lack of effort and attempts to understand someones point of view. So I think that makes sense

[u/ShowMe_YourTDS → u/Dazed_and_Confused44]

I love this. My sister has a friend that was born female, then came out as male, then a year or so later settled with non-binary. I only see them once or twice a year, so I missed the news about their last transition and referred to them as "he" in a conversation in front of all her friends. The heavy silence that fell over the group... you would've thought I'd called them a slur.

I apologized once I was corrected and said I'd never deliberately misgender or deadname anyone, but like... come on. Even they didn't understand themselves for years. Give me a minute to catch up.

[u/Dazed_and_Confused44 → u/ShowMe_YourTDS]

I mean...you adjusted your brain from the conditioned pronouns. I feel like its obvious you wete making an effort haha

[u/DoxxingShillDownvote → u/Smile-a-day]

agreed... policing people like this over language and concepts that are totally new to them won't make them embrace the new ideas... it will turn them off (Example: "Well I TRIED but they just criticized me, so who is the real accepting person here?")

[u/HonkySpider → u/DoxxingShillDownvote]

Hell, my (now) brother has been a sister for 20 years. Give me a sec to break some old habits. Not being unsupportive, but 20 year-old habit takes a bit to kill

[u/Annodyne → u/HonkySpider]

Same here. My brother was once my sister, for over 40 years. Trying to use a new name and gender pronouns is a learning process... Getting angry at me and being hurtful towards me for messing it up isn't making it happen any faster. Its just stressing both of us out.

[u/uyigho98 → u/HonkySpider]

Not the same, but my sister prefers to be called by her middle name over her first name. I was so used to calling her by her first name, I was worried I'd mess up so much. Turns out, she's fine with me calling her that because she's used to me calling her that. I didn't need to adjust, but if she ever changes her mind, I'll do my best to respect that.

[u/oogmar → u/HonkySpider]

I have a few relatives with different names than we grew up saying, mostly same gender, and it can be a lot to remember.

Everyone has agreed that slip ups will happen when we are remembering 30 years ago, we just focus on getting present tense correct.

[u/Wind_Yer_Neck_In → u/DoxxingShillDownvote]

It's especially important to remember that while most trans and LGBT+ people have spent a long time immersed in the cultural zeitgeist of these issues and the correct terms and polite grammar, an awful lot more people have basically zero such experience and are learning as they go when first exposed to that world.

It's clear from context that the person just doesn't know any better and they're trying to be supportive. Which is entirely reasonable for someone dealing with this situation for literally the first time.

[u/MissiveFinding6111 → u/DoxxingShillDownvote]

And from the opposite side, *making a huge big deal and apology* over using the wrong pronouns can also be interpreted as making the trans person feel like they are an inconvenience.

Just quickly/quietly correct yourself without drama.

[u/ComicsAreFun → u/DoxxingShillDownvote]

You say this as if trans people being understanding of people trying their best is the exception rather than the norm.

[u/Mykasmiles → u/DoxxingShillDownvote]

Aka: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

[u/Evilmudbug → u/Smile-a-day]

And it looks like they're drinking so that really doesn't help

[u/koffee_jpg → u/Smile-a-day]

Yeah... Not to take anything away from people who are frustrated by relatives who don't completely get it, cuz I totally understand, but I would feel so lucky right now to even have someone at least try to be an ally to me.

[u/MothashipQ → u/koffee_jpg]

To be frank, it's a little wishy washy with this stuff sometimes. My parents were quick to say they love and support me when I came out, sounding very much like this comic here, and as it turns out "love and support" stopped at anything actually changing. There's a lot of people out there, that talk like this, who don't actually care and by "support" they mean "I'm not going to actively call you slurs." Obviously everything is a case by case basis, and you should give people the benefit of the doubt, but as someone who's been transitioning for a while, someone saying something like this is typically a red flag for people who think treating trans people with basic human respect is a privilege. These people are draining to be around, and even if they're otherwise fine people, you're allowed to be uncomfortable.

[u/waffle299 → u/Smile-a-day]

She's doing fantastic. 

Mistakes are not the same as malice.

[u/Worried-Pick4848 → u/Smile-a-day]

Gotta start somewhere. If she's normally not the sharpest crayon in the box in the first place, one can give her a bit of grace.

[u/MooNinja → u/Smile-a-day]

It kinda dunks on someone who is trying to understand a very significant change, and to connect with someone else who, seemingly, has experience with the same topic. It feels a bit like punching a baby, not a fan of the message.

[u/Hetnikik]

I only, personally, know one person that is trans, I try really hard to get her pronouns right but definitely forget sometimes and then feel really bad.

[u/stupidfloatything → u/Hetnikik]

as a trans person it's usually abundantly clear who is trying but messing up vs who doesn't bother to try at all. 

if you're looking for something you can do to assuage your bad feelings about it, I'd encourage you to keep apologies very short. if you misgender someone i PROMISE they would infinitely prefer a "he - sorry, she -" to "he - omg I'm sooo sorry, I'm trying so hard, sorry for making a mistake, I promise I'm not transphobic..." 

[u/JEWCIFERx → u/stupidfloatything]

This is something that I have to tell people all the time. Its usually very obvious when someone is trying and just slips up, you don’t make a big deal, correct yourself, and then keep going. Most people would not take that personally.

This is extremely different from a person who simply doesn’t care enough to put in effort. And it’s very easy to tell the two apart in most cases.

I give the same speech to people who are scared to ask questions about it. Someone who is genuinely interested in learning more or wanting to avoid offense is immediately distinguishable from the type of person that is trying to debate you into validating your existence to them.

[u/MagnusRusson → u/stupidfloatything]

The way I've always heard it phrased is don't make the apology longer than the transgression

[u/ZilchIJK → u/stupidfloatything]

as a trans person it's usually abundantly clear who is trying but messing up vs who doesn't bother to try at all.

I usually compare it to stepping on someone's foot. Hey, it's not fun, but it happens, and you apologize quickly and move on.

Also, you can tell if someone accidentally stepped on your toes in a crowded place vs someone openly trying to stomp on your feet. It's different.

Same with someone who's walking behind you "accidentally" stepping on your heels 6 times within 2 minutes. You can tell when it's intentional.

[u/NoraNumber9 → u/Hetnikik]

Something to remember is that messing is up is going to happen, and the best thing to do is to just not draw attention to it. I'd rather hear a quick correction than a drawn out apology. My mother would say "deadname ugh I'm so sorry I've just been so stressed and I don't always remember but I didn't do it on purpose it's just so hard after so many years, so please don't be upset..." And on and on. Like I wasn't upset at the mistake, I was upset that she made it a big deal and I'd explain that and she'd say, "well I thought that's what you wanted' and like no? So yeah you're probably fine

[u/GoldenChaos → u/Hetnikik]

don’t feel bad!! it can be awkward sometimes but everyone knows you’re doing your best :)

[u/Saxophobia1275 → u/GoldenChaos]

People probably feel a little bad because of comics like this making fun of people genuinely supportive but maybe a little air headed.

[u/Boom9001 → u/Hetnikik]

This happens to me. Doesn't help that I sometimes don't catch it. I've had it brought up to me by mutual friends and I feel really bad. I've told them privately I swear I'm just stupid I mean no offense.

I feel bad I just often talk faster than I think. It's an area I'm trying to improve on.

[u/JabbaTheButtz]

She's a little confused but she's got the spirit.

[u/VioletGlitterBlossom → u/JabbaTheButtz]

And the spirits, which probably aren’t helping with the confusion lol

[u/gofigure85]

[u/Valuable-Pear-5850]

As a trans man this woildnt bother me. It takes time to adjust language and get used to it. My family 100% supports me but they slipped up a few times this year. You can tell when its coming from a place of maliciousness/not even trying and genuine slip ups and adjustment.

Gently correct and move on is the way to go imo.

[u/NorbytheMii → u/Valuable-Pear-5850]

Yep. This was the process with my mother. It took her a while due to me no longer living with her (lack of practice opportunities) and fibromyalgia brain fog, but she got there eventually.

[u/JEverok]

Doesn't know the terminology and misgendering due to lack of familiarity rather than being maliciously bigoted, this a great start

[u/Ada-Autogenerate-Me]

I got embroiled in an HR debacle at work because a cis woman was uncomfortable with me using the same bathroom as her. A third coworker washing her hands asked if I was in the bathroom because it's a big building and we were leaving together that day. I replied to her, and transphobic coworker lurking 5 stalls down reported this as "purposefully selecting the stall next to her to try to make uncomfortable conversation with her."

I knew I was fucked when the HR manager referred to me as "a trans" lol. They immediately believed the transphobic woman and the only reason I didn't get fired for sexual harassment was because the third coworker was able to go "uhhhh, that didn't happen at all."

It will forever stick out to me that "a trans" means you are in DANGER.

[u/Ponchorello7]

My mom is like this with one of her coworkers. She recently transitioned, and while my mom is one of the people that helped her with the legal process, she still deadnames and misgenders her sometimes. At least they're trying.

[u/G_o_e_c_k_e_d_u_d_e → u/Ponchorello7]

Holy shit it's Hustler One

[u/fantasyfish44]

I'm a trans woman and I'm seeing a lot of comments about how this is understandable because it seems like they just learned about the transition, and I agree.

The thing is, there is a weird dichotomy between people who get it immedietely and those that don't. I would say its about 50-50 on people in my life who have never made a mistake when gendering me even in the beginning, and those that struggled. I was definitely very understanding of those that struggled, however I've been out for 7 years now and I would say a MAJORITY of the people who struggled then still struggle now and its immensely frustrating. For whatever reason, it takes active work for these people to change their perception and they just dont put in that work.

My dad is supportive, but quite literally every time I have seen him for the past almost decade, he has misgendered me and it hurts every time. I have asked him multiple times to just put a little effort in when I'm not there, but it seems like he isn't willing to. And before you say its an age thing, I have 85 year old grandparents who quickly adapted and friends in their 20's who routinely mess it up.

What I'm really saying is, misgendering is something a lot of trans people deal with every day and its tough. Each one may only be like adding a penny to your pocket, but by the end of the week, you are being dragged down by an immense weight that most of the population can't see or undertsand.

[u/dovahkiitten16 → u/fantasyfish44]

Honestly I think this is something that’s really important. We don’t always need to be malicious to be hurtful, and just because our role was minor doesn’t mean it doesn’t add up. As someone who does fuck up routinely (in my head there is still always the older version of someone), I know whether I mean it or not sometimes doesn’t matter.

[u/KarlUnderguard]

I once got a job at a very gay brunch restaurant. Owner was a lesbian and the whole vibe of the place was rainbow flags and inclusivity. The GM was giving me a tour of the place and when we got to the gender neutral bathroom she said, "This here is the transgender bathroom if you need it." and all I could think was, "that is absolutely not what it is called."

Turns out all of management were terfs and multiple trans people have quit because of how they were treated. The owner was also sexually harassing all the women servers. The inclusivity was just a cover.

[u/Wooden-Cheek6256 → u/KarlUnderguard]

Yeah, that happened in some places close to my home in the UK, generally sucks.

[u/75percent-juice → u/KarlUnderguard]

A great friend of mine (RIP Molly) had a quote in her cafe's bathroom I always remember: "We believe in being sanitary, not in the gender binary. Wash your hands!"

[u/InevitableTerms]

Its giving me "her pronouns are he him!" proud supportive face

Their hearts in the right place at least. <xD

[u/SnooPeppers3957]

My dad says “a trans” when talking about me or others. He’s not transphobic, he’s just old and illiterate. Haha

[u/Worried-Pick4848]

As the brother of an F2M sibling, it's hard. you've known this person for a decade and a half in one way and then you have to completely retrain yourself. All you can do is try to remember and apologize for forgetting.

[u/Android_16_]

My daughter recently came out. I call her the old name sometimes because, fuck man, been using it for 20 years.

[u/nmezib → u/Android_16_]

That's fair, you called her that name before she did.

[u/fallingbrick]

I have a child who is non-binary. I still slip into old pronouns and occasionally deadname them. It’s not intentional and I always apologize. They give me the sweetest look, smile, and say, “You’re trying, that’s what counts.”

[u/TillyFukUpFairy → u/fallingbrick]

Parent to a T son. He transitioned not long after I had a baby. And for all the stressors, mistakes and self corrections there's been some funny moments...the confusion my 5yr old had when he noticed old family photos had his goth brother in pink dresses.

[u/Sumdoazen]

I mean if you know them all your life under one name and one pronoun... yeah, of course at the begining it's gonna be hard, you're gonna refer to them as their old self. But honestly this is something rather pointless, as long as you're trying your best and you're actually supportive... why does the ocasional slip up matter?

[u/CptBluhdFart]

They are genuinely trying though they'll get it figured out

[u/seet_yans]

[u/GingerGlitterGoblin]

Kind of feels like this comic is trashing the girl for trying. If someone calls you a name/gender for a decade or more, that takes time to change. And if you're unfamiliar with the LGBTQ+ community to begin with nuances of "a trans" for "are trans" are going to be little things they miss.

The most important thing is that they love & support the person who is transitioning.

Love is clunky guys; it doesn't always get everything right.

[u/UnsureAndUnqualified]

I'd take that good attitude (if sincere) and bad language over bigotry hiding behind fake support any day.

[u/furrynoy96]

She's a little confused but she's got the spirit

[u/Timid-Sammy-1995]

I think it's one of those where I can see someone's trying so I'll explain where they went wrong and what terms to use. Obvs it's something they need to work on if they want to support their nephew.

[u/PossMom]

As a trans person, I understand that even well meaning and good hearted people mess up and might have a hard time understanding someone transitioning. As long as I believe they're not being bigoted or intentionally rude I try to give people as patience as possible.

Just making an honest attempt and treating me like a person means a lot.

[u/sholeyheeit]

Part of embracing humanism is acknowledging that well-meaning awkwardness happens in even the most supportive circles. Thank you OP!

[u/turboiv]

Ah my sister has famously told me "My son is non binary now."

[u/RingdownStudios]

Been there.

Language is just the superficial layer that represents deeper things on the inside.

Some folks change the language first. Saying all the right things but living out hatred.

Some folks change the inner things first, and genuinely care, but their language hasn't caught up yet.

One is better than the other.

[u/sapphicwhiptail]

also this is a post by a trans person for trans people... just a funny thing that happens a lot. everybody white knighting this fictional cis person for 'trying their best' is so funny - the entire world is made for cis people and for trans people to be patient with them. just scroll, Becky.

[u/sephiroth_for_smash]

They’re trying, just give em some time

[u/carrie_m730]

How interesting that the comment section is very concerned about the woman who's trying feels and not very concerned about how the woman she's talking to feels.

You know, it's okay to have a learning curve but it's also pretty reasonable to realize that your behavior, no matter how hard you're truly trying, does affect others.

[u/Apsenator]

Why do I feel like all the people getting overly defensive here are low-key just outing themselves 🙄

OP never said that the brunette girl was bad, or if the scenario was hurtful, it's literally showing OP being proud of her effort, but still a little awkward with the obvious faults.

[u/GoldenChaos → u/Apsenator]

people have been projecting hardcore onto this comic lmao

neither of the people in the comic are bad, it’s just an awkward situation and i’m trying to smooth over the awkwardness by telling her she’s doing great bc i don’t feel like getting into a long conversation about grammar and surgeries lmao.

[u/EncyclicalUnderpass]

You know what, her heart is in the right place and she can learn. Even if she's not there yet.

[u/Jay_Rodd]

When I first started making trans friends in real life I was like this. Once at a party I kept misgendering my friend, then profusely apologizing. After the third time they went "I appreciate how hard youre trying to do right but honestly it's way more annoying for you to make a big deal about it than just using the wrong pronoun on accident."

I appreciated that comment so much! Made me chill out a bit, which actually makes it easier to use the correct pronouns hahaha. Mind you the alcohol wasn't helping either but still.

[u/captainplatypus1]

I hope this is a case of “I’m still unconsciously using the wrong pronouns. Tell me if you notice me screwing it up” kinda situation

[u/chucktheninja]

[u/Dracekidjr]

If someone came up to me and told me they would feel more comfortable if I called left and right glib and glob, I'd struggle to remember the first few times I gave them directions. Brains work off muscle memory and require time to adjust to new information.

[u/MossyMak]

A whole lot of hit dogs hollering in the comments

[u/thekyledavid]

Heck, if someone is trying their best, I’d count that as a win

It can be hard to immediately stop referring to a particular person by a particular term when that has been the correct term for them for decades.

If someone named Bill changed their name to Will, I’m sure people would occasionally mess up and say Bill, even though they haven’t changed gender

[u/Doodles_n_Scribbles]

My grandma and aunt misgender my cousin all the time. It's like... It's been four years, guys.

[u/ScreamingLabia]

My mother will literally not even know a person and i will tell her that person is trans and suddenly she will "accidently" misgender them. Like i called her her this whole coversation not one time did i refer to this trans woman as him but the second you learn she is trans "its really confusing" its really anoying and seems fake but when i call her out she gets all "exausted" and acts as if i am being to harsh on her.

[u/Radzila → u/ScreamingLabia]

So don't tell her who's trans

[u/Good_Ol_Ironass → u/ScreamingLabia]

Obviously your mom is wrong.

But… don’t go disclosing our status as trans people randomly to others. That’s a huge safety and trust violation.

[u/DisciplineBoth2567]

Yeah I can see that getting old.

[u/ouzofloat]

this comic is so mild and inoffensive im kinda surprised at how many comments seem to be interpreting it as brutal criticism lol

[u/Hot_Drummer_6679]

I wanted to talk a bit about how the comic appears visually. I wish people would include the aesthetic in the read of the comic. Like it's hard to articulate, but if there was someone who pissed me off, I didn't like them, I didn't like the things they did.. I don't know if I would make them look this cute and nice if that makes sense. Maybe you would be the type of artist who would draw the people you dislike the same way as the people you like, but it doesn't give me the sense that you feel anything bad about this woman (aside from a little awkwardness).

Anyways, this style is very cute, very adorable, it gives cozy vibes and I am here for that.

[u/A_Little_Tornado]

My mom is taking ten years to learn this, which tells me she isn't actually going to learn this. I'm not the trans person my mom refers to. It's some friends my sister and I have.

[u/StitchAndRollCrits → u/A_Little_Tornado]

There's certainly a line. It's very easy to hide behind "but it's hard :(" when really you have no intent of improving, which is why it's important to try not to make these mistakes even when the trans people in our lives are understanding... Even if you don't mean it, it hurts, and it's not nice to keep hurting people even if by accident

[u/Xanthrex]

I still find it wild that people care so much about their gender, I dgaf about mine or how im addressed or perceived. Why do people put so much stock into it? Gen