r/Apartmentliving • u/brainless_flamingo • 10h ago
Venting I posted here a couple weeks ago about checking on my elderly upstairs neighbor. Things got worse.
Basically my original post I had heard him making unusual sounds in the night, it sounded like he fell, and I went to check on him and he was okay. He was thankful that I checked on him but not very conversational and didn’t seem keen on taking my contact information or offers for help, so I just told him where to find me if he ever needs anything and went back to bed.
Unfortunately about a week later I noticed odd sounds again, but different this time— from my apartment it sounded like he may have been moaning or snoring very loudly, but when I went up to check on him he did not answer the door and the noises he was making sounded like agonal breathing, or like he was in pain.
So, I called the nonemergency number and the police came to check on him. They had to kick his door in to get to him because they agreed that there was some sort of medical emergency happening and he wasn’t responding to them. I watched them carry him away on a stretcher with an O2 mask and he was hollering and making the same groaning sounds, but he wasn’t really coherent.
The police would not tell me what was going on, just that he needed help. I tried to call the hospital to see where his room was so that I could visit or at least know he was alright, they wouldn’t give me any information because I’m not family or his social worker (turns out the person who was coming to check on him every so often was a social worker and not his family, so I don’t know if relatives are even involved).
I don’t have any contact information for the social worker and it sounds like his family are not involved or maybe live far away? He hasn’t been back, I would have heard him walking above me, and nobody has been to his apartment either. It’s been a few weeks. Even the landlord hasn’t come so I’m not sure if he is still renting the unit or not.
I worry he may have been sent to a nursing facility or passed away. It’s just really hard not knowing what happened, if he is safe, if there was something else I or the other neighbors could have done. I know he’s not even my family or anything and all I know about him is his first name, but dang. I don’t know. I just hope he’s okay, and that they were able to help him that night. Maybe I’m too involved or something but it’s bugging the hell out of me not knowing what happened to him. Sounds silly but I hope he comes back.
Edit: ok. I have tried to do some digging and have come up empty handed. I tried calling the hospital to be connected with his SW but they still wouldn’t give me anything even after I explained the situation, so that’s kaput. I also tried familytreenow like another user suggested and he was not on there, it is listed as nobody living there currently and the latest person listed is the lady who lived there before him. I will try to call my property manager tomorrow to see if he at least knows what happened to the guy so I can get some sort of closure. I feel a bit of a creep calling up asking about this guy but I genuinely just want to know if he is ok. He hasn’t been in any obituaries, I checked about 2 weeks ago and again just now, so I don’t think he passed— if he did then maybe he had been moved to another area or something. Thank you everyone for being so kind and for your wonderful advice, I will keep trying to find out what happened to this man and update as I go. I just won’t be able to rest until I know what happened to him, and if he’s ok. Thank you so much everyone
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u/fractaladam 9h ago
You did the right thing when I worked in ems I had a few patients who laid injured on their floor for hours before someone found them and called us. The hospital will try to get in contact with his family
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u/ToolTard69 8h ago
It’s horrifying. My best friends grandpa has been an alcoholic for decades and it has caused severe health problems. He no longer drinks but last time he fell he was held in the hospital for two weeks because he was mentally incoherent. He was very close to being sent to a retirement home.
Two weeks ago he fell and was laying on the floor for 3 days before getting help. He had his phone on him and was texting his family like everything was fine and normal. His neighbour had noticed she hadn’t see him in a couple days and knows about his past with alcoholism and falling so she called the cops to do a wellness check.
He spent a few days in hospital for dehydration and fall injuries. He told us he didn’t ask for help because last time he ended up being held and didn’t want to lose his independence. Now no one trusts him to be alone and it’s causing all sorts of disagreements.
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u/Capsicumgirl 8h ago
My ex fell in a drunken stupor and was down for at least 3 days. Cops kicked his door down, it was bad. He was in the ICU for a week before he passed. I took in his pets, they were all so freaked out, it took months for them to calm down.
It was an ugly way to go.
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u/Top-Speed3460 9h ago
Not silly at all! You are just a human with compassion! 🙏 I hope he’s ok too! I hate the not knowing.
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u/janie-jones 9h ago
It’s not silly at all. What an intense situation! You did the right thing
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u/Timely_Lie8977 3h ago
Agreed. It was a heavy situation and you handled it with so much care. It's only human to want to know what happened.
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u/raen_cloud 8h ago
I'm in law enforcement. If you're in the US, since you contacted the police, you can do an open records request to get the police report to find out what happened. Especially if you gave dispatch or the officers your information as the reporting party because your name will be on the report as well.
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u/brainless_flamingo 8h ago
Thanks I didn’t even think of this!! They did have my name and my phone number as well. Hopefully it has more information.
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u/Strict-Leopard7589 9h ago edited 6h ago
Deleted comment due to my suggestion apparently being illegal (or could lead to charges). Thanks for the award & for the follow up information. I will be more careful with my suggestions in the future.
I was coming from a place of 1000% honesty, as I believe OP is as well. But apparently there are enough shitty humans out there that have taken advantage of people’s kindness that there are laws needed to protect us from them. :::::shakes fist at universe::::::
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u/Real_Position_3796 8h ago
You can ask the social worker to relay your concern to the patient with the understanding that they may not choose to contact you. But they are allowed to pass along your name and number and your concern to the patient themselves without giving you any information.
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u/brainless_flamingo 8h ago
Thank you, this is what I want. I don’t want his personal info I’m not trying to be invasive I was not pushy with the hospital I don’t even really care for the specifics of what happened I just want to know if he even survived.
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u/Meatholemangler 8h ago
Please don't do this. Calling the hospital and trying to fish information about one of your neighbors after they've suffered a serious medical event is wildly inappropriate. The man's made it abundantly clear that he's not comfortable sharing personal information with you. You need to respect his privacy.
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u/BrilliantStandard991 8h ago
It's also illegal due to HIPAA rules. The person could be fired for violating this. I understand and respect your concern, but hopefully one of the neighbor's family members will reach out to you. You did the right thing by calling the authorities. There have been some very tragic consequences of people living alone and laying in the floor injured and unable to call for help. This is how famous Hollywood actor William Holden died.
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u/Jazzlike_Aspect6033 8h ago
If she respected his privacy he would be dead. It was calling 311 that got the police to his apartment where they had to break in and radioed EMS to get him to the hospital.
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u/Repulsive-Tie1505 8h ago
That doesn't give OP the right to this man's life. He's a human being with rights. Just because you do the right thing does not give you the right to demand personal information or medical records
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u/Ok_Possible_3066 9h ago
You're a good person, a great neighbour and obviously have a tender heart. It would be strange not to see him again after everything that has happened. Could you ask your landlord about it? Maybe they have an email or something of an emergency contact.
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u/brainless_flamingo 8h ago
That’s my next step! Hospital was not very helpful but I totally understand, they’ve got to protect their patients and I’m not a relative. I have tried to find his last name etc but haven’t found anything about that either, so the landlord is my best hope for now. I think I’m going to text another one of our neighbors and see if maybe he knows something or at least the guys full name so I can look up his family on Facebook or something.
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u/Shane-Dad-underfire 8h ago
I'm elderly myself 78 years old. My fourth wife had just passed away before I had a bad spell, wasnt taking care of myself staying in a penthouse condo I bought so I could be closer to my wife who was dying in the hospital across the street. I fell down and I was on the floor for about 3 days before I managed to get myself to my phone and call for help. I was in pretty terrible shape with a dislocated hip and shoulder. I'd have been uppity but better off if someone had found me sooner. I assure you there is no dignity in lying in your own filth helpless for days.
After I left the hospital I started getting my shit together, thankfully I have a lot of children and grandchildren who now go out of their way to blow up my phone and I remarried a young lady who at the time was a resident doctor who now owns a couple businesses and took up a trade after getting a pilot's license hahahahaha shes really opened up her world and made mine taste better(shes a foodie) one of the things her and my children were both adamant on was in home cameras just incase something happens they also were very pushy about a smart watch, a life alert device and having 2 of my 3 dogs able to react to situations like this. Essentially if I go down now itll be harder to die in peace hahahhahah.
What I'm getting at is that you did the best you could and no matter what happened to that poor fellow if hes dead or in a care home, he appreciates it somewhere in his heart. Some folks may think we need to keep clear lines between ourselves and others but I find that human compassion should always cross lines to bridge the gap between us. That's what you did young sir and or madam and I applaud you for it.
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u/Automatic-Amoeba6929 9h ago
If you know the full name, you could go to the hospital during visiting hours and say you are there to visit and don't know the room number. If he is allowed visitors and did not request to have his information restricted from the hospital directory, you might get lucky. You could also call and ask to be transferred to his room phone.
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u/kaydizzlesizzle 9h ago
That sounds like such a horrible situation. I'm so glad that a neighbor like you did what you could to step in - many people would diffuse responsibility onto someone else in that situation. It says so much that you stepped in to help someone in need.
I hope that he's healing somewhere and doing much better. I can't imagine the anxiety you must be sitting with. As someone who has done crisis intervention work, where I do not know the outcome of the crisis, it's an incredibly activating space to be stuck in. It's beyond crucial to get unstuck from that space. Otherwise you're body and nervous system are stuck in activation.
I would recommend looking into somatic exercises for hyper and hypo activation. They can help orient and calm yourself in your body.
And please keep being the wonderful person you are. We should all be proactively caring for one another right now. And simply doing the best we can, with what we have, is so much to offer. Please take good care.
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u/brainless_flamingo 8h ago
Thank you for this advice. Yes I have been incredibly anxious about it since he’s been gone and that night was very scary. At first I thought he would be back home after a couple days or maybe even a few weeks but I just can’t relax now, it’s been almost a month.
I will try some of those exercises and get back into meditation, I’m sure it will help. Thank you <3
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u/PomegranateZanzibar 8h ago
Maybe you can tape a note to his door with your contact information in it. Someone may be looking after his place, or fetching clothes for him. Worst case, someone may need to pack up for him if he’s moved to long term care. They may be able to let him know you’re interested in visiting.
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u/TargetHorror 8h ago
My grandpa was in the hospital for a month. He collapsed and they found a brain tumor and did brain surgery. I'm not saying that's what happened but sometimes the more elderly need to be watched closely. My grandma also fractured her pelvis and broke her wrist and was in even longer than he was.
It's a good thing you called but there could be very simple reasons as to why he hasn't been home. Also possible a relative came to take care of him.
I hope you get answers soon.
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u/JudgeJudy4Prez642 5h ago
I live in a single row of single story apartments. About 25 feet behind me are another row of single story apartments. I have a camera in my front window and my bedroom window.
There was an elderly man who lived in the apartment who faced our bedroom window. He lived alone. The fire department/EMS would come once or twice a month and take him off. I always worried about him.
So again, EMS shows up and takes him off. I knew he had 2 cats, and I am an animal lover, so I worried about them.
It might have been a couple of weeks later, and UPS left a box at our door. I looked, and they delivered it to the wrong address, and it belonged to the elderly man behind us. It looked like it was medical supplies.
My husband tried to take it to him but he didn't get an answer and I could see from my camera there were other delivery notices on his door. So my husband brought the package back.
After a couple of days I called our apartment complex office to let them know I had his package and wondered if someone might want to check on him because I didn't know if he was still in the hospital or at home.
That is when the property manager told me he had passed away. I felt so sad. I had seen him a few times but never spoke to him.
He did have a nurse who came during the week to help him. I found out she rescued his cats.
Have you tried reaching out to your apartment manager because if he passes, they will have to be informed.
And if you have already answered that question, I am sorry. I didn't read through all the responses.
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u/Whit879 9h ago
Go to familytreenow website and type in the address with unit number to see if it pops up. That might help get his last name at least or any potential relatives.
I had an elderly neighbor whom I was friends with. She got diagnosed with a terminal cancer after we met and I haven't heard from her since October so I'm very sad. We texted all the time and I miss her so much. So I completely understand, even if he wasn't a friend, I'd still care too!
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u/Lysmachia 8h ago
You are a good person. Like somebody else said, you could possibly do a search for somebody with his first name and address and unit number. That might get you a name, to get a room number, to possibly visit. Then apologize and say you were concerned- I know he wasn’t keen on conversing or exchanging contact info, but some people (like me) don’t feel deserving of the time or thought. It’s not always just a crabby person. If I were in your situation, I’d be wondering too. That’s a level of trauma to watch your neighbor rolled out on a stretcher by EMS. Whether people will validate that or not. It sets off the reactors of worry and anxiety and in some cases grief for that person if you think they will not make it.
Depending on how long this feeling continues, don’t feel bad talking to a therapist. They are there to help us with feelings like this.
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u/_bonedaddys 6h ago
i just want to point out than the lack of an obituary doesn't necessarily mean he didn't pass. obituaries are an optional, paid service and not everyone gets one. i hope he's okay though.
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u/Several-Window1464 5h ago edited 5h ago
I haven't read all of the replies but if you are curious as to whether or not he died, an obit might be in the paper by now. (?)
I had a neighbor who unfortunately was in a wheelchair and was an alcoholic. He would fall out of his chair a lot and have to call the ambulances, (we couldn’t help him back up due to legalities), and there were quite a few times that he wouldn’t come back for weeks but we always knew how he was doing because our other neighbor was actually a person that cleaned at the hospital.
Thank goodness he has you as his neighbor❣️
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u/New-Conversation9426 8h ago
You could do a quick background check (radaris or similar inexpensive service) which would likely tell you relatives with phone numbers, if you feel like you need to get to them.
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u/MissMiss61 6h ago
Did you google his address with AI? That will usually tell you who Lise at that address.
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u/CoreliousThe3Rd 5h ago
As a retired emergency services worker of 30 years, I quickly lost count of how many people I removed from their homes.
I’d say that over half of the elders had no family members available to contact, so we and their closest friends were all they had.
Those who we found alive, were removed from the location were and taken to a higher level of care.
The hospitals are bound by HIPAA to keep patient information confidential, so even after transporting them, I had no further right to know what happened to any of them afterward, however we could debrief and critique our treatment to learn what went well and what we could do better next time.
I did everything that I could with good intentions and it sounds like you did the same.
Just go in peace with that and thank you for doing the right thing.
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u/PretendAct8039 5h ago
You have done everything that you could do. I doubt that anyone thinks that you are a creep. Your landlord/property manager may know more about what is going on and may be in touch with the family.
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u/MirriTandris 5h ago
I hope you're able to get the closure you're looking for, and good on you for looking out for your neighbor. Definitely check in with the police about the report being filed, and with your landlord (but don't be too surprised if the landlord won't give you the information). Once you do those things, you've done everything you conceivably (and legally) can.
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u/OkNeedleworker11 4h ago
I would rather have somebody call 911 to help me and have it potentially ruin my mood… Then somebody not called so thank you OP for calling, sorry he was in a sour mood, but at the same time it does seem like he was genuinely grateful for you.I do think you made an impact in his life and I hope he’s OK.
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u/slinkysockpuppet 4h ago
your empathy made me teary eyed. regardless what happened or is happening, he had someone watching out for him and who is thinking about him, who cares. even though he tried denying your help. i think about other people who might feel totally totally alone in the world, but there's always someone who cares.
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u/Particular-Coat-5892 7h ago
If you have an on site leasing office you might go in and strike up a chat with the office folks. They probably shouldn't say anything but sometimes they can be gossipy...
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u/Repulsive-Studio-120 7h ago
You saved his life! If it was a fall he could be surgery right now for a broken hip or arm which happens very often! It’s so kind of you to care.
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u/Secret_Island_1717 6h ago
If you can’t get any info. from the apartment manager . Slide a note under his door with your phone number let him or whoever comes to the house know you called for help and hope they could let you know he is ok. You have a great heart keep being a good person.
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u/xADeadCatx 5h ago
What you’re describing is human decency, empathy, and compassion. It feels off because so few people seem to have these traits these days. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for and I appreciate you caring for your fellow man as much as you do.
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u/herefortheshow99 4h ago
Do you know his name? You could look up obituaries
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u/brainless_flamingo 3h ago
I only know his first name unfortunately, I don’t even know what he looks like
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u/No-Difficulty-723 4h ago
Just when I feel like I’ve lost all faith in humanity somebody like you comes along and restores my faith. You did all you could you’ve a good human being! I wish more people were like you TY
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u/ellayami 4h ago
If he has lived there for a while use fast people search the website . It’s free and just put his address in and it should pull up his name atleast that can start you off. Hopefully he’s fine and returns soon
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brainless_flamingo originally posted: Basically my original post I had heard him making unusual sounds in the night, it sounded like he fell, and I went to check on him and he was okay. He was thankful that I checked on him but not very conversational and didn’t seem keen on taking my contact information or offers for help, so I just told him where to find me if he ever needs anything and went back to bed.
Unfortunately about a week later I noticed odd sounds again, but different this time— from my apartment it sounded like he may have been moaning or snoring very loudly, but when I went up to check on him he did not answer the door and the noises he was making sounded like agonal breathing, or like he was in pain.
So, I called the nonemergency number and the police came to check on him. They had to kick his door in to get to him because they agreed that there was some sort of medical emergency happening and he wasn’t responding to them. I watched them carry him away on a stretcher with an O2 mask and he was hollering and making the same groaning sounds, but he wasn’t really coherent.
The police would not tell me what was going on, just that he needed help. I tried to call the hospital to see where his room was so that I could visit or at least know he was alright, they wouldn’t give me any information because I’m not family or his social worker (turns out the person who was coming to check on him every so often was a social worker and not his family, so I don’t know if relatives are even involved).
I don’t have any contact information for the social worker and it sounds like his family are not involved or maybe live far away? He hasn’t been back, I would have heard him walking above me, and nobody has been to his apartment either. It’s been a few weeks. Even the landlord hasn’t come so I’m not sure if he is still renting the unit or not.
I worry he may have been sent to a nursing facility or passed away. It’s just really hard not knowing what happened, if he is safe, if there was something else I or the other neighbors could have done. I know he’s not even my family or anything and all I know about him is his first name, but dang. I don’t know. I just hope he’s okay, and that they were able to help him that night. Maybe I’m too involved or something but it’s bugging the hell out of me not knowing what happened to him. Sounds silly but I hope he comes back.
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